


Love Lockdown

by AnansiAnansi



Series: The Love Lockdown Universe [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Anxiety, Artist Clarke, Clarke and Lexa have some herstory, Clexa is endgame nobody panic, Continues after they get together, Domestic Clexa, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff, Guess we should call it like it is, Humor, Idiots in Love, It's a love story maybe they'll say yes, Med Student Clarke, Pandemics, Panic Attacks, Quarantine, Romantic Comedy, Slow Burn, Someone told me to put this on my fic so don’t copy/post to another site, Story of their lives and lifetimes which is why it has no end, Tags May Change, The world is ending but theirs is just beginning, This is basically the fic that never ends, daily update, eventual established relationship, lots of feels, quarantine au, romantic af
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-02-23 05:43:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 79
Words: 143,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23539999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnansiAnansi/pseuds/AnansiAnansi
Summary: The one in which Lexa moves back into town, and crashes with Clarke and Raven while apartment-hunting.But, one awkward month later, there's a pandemic on the loose, everyone is on indefinite lockdown, and Raven has whisked herself off away from the big city for shelter. With just the two of them left at home, they have no choice but to face each other, and themselves. Did I mention they've got some herstory to sort out? Oooh....UPDATE (June 23, 2020): This fic will continue after they get together, just with less frequent updates.Chapters 1-67: Until endgame.Chapters 69-??: The rest of it.UPDATE (January 22, 2021): Love Lockdown is now available in Italiano! The amazingsamlaikhedahas offered to translate the story for anyone who wants to read it in Italian! It's available here:Love Lockdown (translated in Italian). Be sure to drop a kudos and some love for all the hard work and enthusiasm that’s going into this mammoth translation project!
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Costia/Lexa (The 100), Finn Collins/Clarke Griffin, Raven Reyes/Luna
Series: The Love Lockdown Universe [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2068431
Comments: 2725
Kudos: 1929





	1. Things can change in a day

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Italiano available: [Love Lockdown (translated in Italian)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28891578) by [samlaikheda](https://archiveofourown.org/users/samlaikheda/pseuds/samlaikheda)



> Hey All:
> 
> I've been reading Clarke/Lexa fics on AO3 for years now (well, since Season 3, Episode 7), and have been healing with the rest of us Clexa shippers on here. 
> 
> But, it's 2020, we might as well be living in post-apocalyptic Polis, and I'm trying to stay sane in quarantine. So, my first fanfic for you all, updated every day for as long as the lockdown lasts, is a romcom-style AU starring our two favourite leading ladies.
> 
> Constructive criticism and banter are always welcome. Leave me a comment and let's prop each other up, world; we'll get through this together.

This moment, a few minutes before dawn, and right before she turned the corner of the trail to the overlook, was always one she braced for. At this time of the year, the sun didn’t creep up on the horizon like it did in the winter months, tentative and apologetic. Instead, it exploded in a burst of golden flurry, and if you caught it on the water in time, it was as if the world split open for a few moments, and the sky and earth were one never ending mirage of warmth and light. It was a sight Clarke had trained herself to see every day for the decade she had lived in the city; always alone, it was her secret with the universe. Maybe it was the reason she’d never left after college; or at least one of them.

Today was no different. She watched the welcome light show off the day until she couldn’t look at the sun anymore, and then flopped on the green grass mound at the top of the oceanside park, closing her eyes. Another perfect morning, and after that, what could go wrong, really?

As if on cue, her phone began to vibrate in her pocket; sighing, she reached for it: _Raven_. Her best friend and most enduring ally was also an incorrigible third-wheel in every way; she’d lost count of the number of times Raven had walked in on her and some steamy one-night stand, on her and Niylah, and lately, on her and Finn, and also on so many of her private moments, while sketching, while dreaming, but even she knew Clarke’s morning walks were sacred. But Clarke couldn’t blame her, Raven was halfway around the world, on a team building retreat with her techie work buddies, and was probably bored to tears with all the deep breaths and vegetables.

“Claarrrrrke, you’re up…..Goodest morning….good morningest!”

“Raven, what time is it there? Are you drunk? In an ashram?” Clarke stifled a chuckle. Only Raven would manage to be trashed on a psychic detox journey.

“Yessss, we’re freeeeeee…..I mean, they let us go, the retreat was over yesterday, and I’m here in this beautiful beach town, and man, people are just so friendly here….I LOVE GOA….” Clarke grinned at Raven’s tipsy ramblings. “Are you having such a great time that you just had to call to tell me that?”

“Oh! No wait, you’ll never guess who I just ran into….no wait, I’ll _show_ you.” Clarke heard Raven shuffling with her phone, drunkenly ordering someone to scoot together for the frame. A few seconds later, she heard her phone buzz, just as Raven bellowed into the phone, “Didja get it????”

She checked her messages, waiting for the photo to load. And then, her heart stopped. 

It was Lexa. 

Lexa, grinning bashfully at the camera, the glint from the string lights of the beach bar reflected in her eyes. Lexa, who she hadn’t seen since they graduated college. Lexa, who looked exactly as she did that night ten years ago, when it was Clarke she was smiling at. Lexa, whose shoulders were draped by a long, shapely arm that belonged to someone who looked like what could only be described as a bronzed sea-goddess, gazing at the camera with the calm confidence of someone successfully in love. It was too much. Clarke closed her eyes and shoved the phone back to her ear.

“Lexa! Lexa fucking Woods! Can you believe she’s been hiding out in Goa this whole time?” Without waiting for an answer, Raven continued on, “And anyway, guess what? She’s got news!”

Clarke rubbed her temple with her free hand. No, she couldn’t be bothered to guess anything right now. Her head was spinning, and she suddenly felt like she had run a marathon. “What’s that?”

“She’s….they’re moving back! Her and Costia….we’re all going to be neighbours! How awesome is that?”

Totally fucking awesome, dude. Clarke was surprised at her sudden snippiness. What difference did it make to her what Lexa (and Costia, was it?) did with their lives?

“....so yeah, I told Lexa she could totally crash with us for a month while she looks for a place, and you totally wouldn’t mind. You won’t, right?”

“Wait, what? Since when is Lexa staying with us?”

“Claaarrrke, you’re not listening. I convinced Lexa to come back with me so she could get set up and stuff, and Costia’s almost done wrapping up the bar, so she’ll just join us in a month….and well, we’ve got the spare room, so Lexa might as well crash. I told her you wouldn’t care.”

“Uhhhh, I mean, I use that room as my office….” she was grasping at straws now.

“Oh come on, Clarke, just use the sunroom where you work all the time anyway. It’s only for a month…..besides I already said yes, we can’t go back on our word now….no, no, Lexa, absolutely not, scout’s honour, you staying with us is totally not a problem.” 

When had _we_ given our word anyway? Clarke shook her head. It was pointless to argue with Raven when she was like this. “Fine, yeah, of course. It’s just a month, we’ll manage.”

“Okay great! So Lexa and I will see you on Sunday; okay, I have to go, they’re having an ecstatic dancing party in the moonlight...love you, byeeee! This is going to be just like old times.”

Oh man. She really, really hoped not. Clarke sat up in the grass, stunned. Lexa fucking Woods was going to be in her house in five days.

What had just happened?


	2. The process, of processing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a long read, but we need to set this story up properly for what's to come. You know, a house without a firm foundation isn't going to be standing for long.
> 
> Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement! Everyone doing okay? Let's carry on and see what Clarke has been up to.

Clarke sighed, rolling her shoulders to ease out the tension that seemed to have settled firmly in between them over the last couple of days. Taking off her glasses, she rubbed the bridge of her nose, and smoothed out the frown line between her eyebrows. She glanced at the clock on her computer. 10:30 PM; she was still at work, and would be for a while yet. This was the third day in a row this week she’d stumble to her bed bleary-eyed and exhausted but, a deadline was a deadline, was a deadline. And it made for a nice distraction for what, or who, was to come on Sunday. 

She looked down at her notes from her meeting with Dr. Jaha earlier in the day. _More colour saturation, need more vivid depiction between spikes and envelopes, membranes need to *pop*._

“Make it pretty, Clarke. The world needs to know what’s coming for it, loud and clear. For that, they need to be smacked in the face with an image they can’t help but dream about.” Dr. Jaha’s parting shots were always poetically cryptic.

Looking back at her screen, she zoomed in to the top right corner of the amorphous molecule, rotating it until she could see its underside clearly. Its grey surface was pockmarked and sticky-looking, like a ball of cartoon slime. Eww.

Clarke frowned, sticking out her lower lip; extracting the beauty of a deathly virus wasn’t what she’d imagined herself doing when she’d juggled organic chemistry and oil painting in college, but it’d certainly made for some interesting first-date conversations. “A medical illustrator? What’s that, like a skeleton _artiste_?”

“Something like that. Science is beautiful; my job is to remind people of that.” Or in this case, deadly. 

Several hours later, she thought she had it. On the screen was a slowly rotating structure of vivid iridescent maroon and silver, a weirdly hypnotic globe resembling a psychedelic earth. She looked down at the naming convention for the file, “Novel coronavirus - COVID-19”, and in a flash, the image was off to Jaha’s inbox. He would have it for his press conference tomorrow morning. The week had been an endless stream of COVID-19-related events; first the news that an entire province in China had locked its citizens in their own homes, and then the constant back and forth about whether there was a chance the virus could have spread to the rest of the world. (“It’s only a matter of time”, said Jaha, “but the impact most certainly won’t disrupt our day to day; we have it under control.”) She figured tomorrow’s conference would be more of him parroting the same to the general public, and which she would be watching from her bed, thankfully. He’d given her the day off. 

She glanced down at her phone on the way to her car. 8 messages, all from Finn. _Shit_. She’d completely forgotten to call him back. Tomorrow, she’d make it up to him tomorrow. Right now, there was nothing else in this world she loved as much as her bed.

  
********

“Clarke? Babe? Are you awake?” Finn’s voice broke through her sleep, and she groaned, burying her face deeper into her pillow and pulled the covers over her head. He appeared at the doorway, “I brought breakfast.” A single blue eye peeked out from under the duvet. “Burritos. From Oy Gordito’s.” That earned him a sleepy smile, and a finger beckoning him to come hither. 

“Hi,” Clarke sat up and snuggled into him, surreptitiously reaching across for the bag in his hand. 

“Uh uh, always tip the delivery guy.” He leaned in for a slow kiss. “Hi, missed you. Crazy week?” 

“You have no idea. Which reminds me…” Clarke flicked on the TV in her bedroom, and continued digging through the bag for salsa. “Jaha’s doing one of his talking head gigs in a few minutes. Update on that new coronavirus strain wrecking China.” 

“What’s that got to do with us? Thought they had it contained over there?”

“If by contained you mean putting an entire province under lockdown, then yeah. Jaha’s going to update us on what to expect; no one really knows what’s going on.”

They watched in silence, munching on their burritos. As Clarke expected, it was Jaha recommending safe travel tips, a warning to visit the doctor for a dry cough, fever or tiredness, and generally being vigilant. 

“So this is a flu that’s not a flu?” Finn asked, but Clarke let out an excited squeal as an image of the COVID-19 strain flashed onto the screen. “That’s mine! That’s the sonofabitch that kept me up all week!” 

“Trippy. And that thing has humans hiding in their homes cowering in fear?” 

“Preventative containment, Finn, let’s hope it’s nothing more.” Clarke tossed her empty wrapper into the bag on the floor, heading to the bathroom. She emerged a few minutes later, teeth brushed and hair up in a messy bun, and began rummaging through her laundry hamper for a pair of jeans. “Buck up, we’ve got work to do. I need help clearing out the spare room.”

“What, why now?” 

“We’ve got a houseguest for a month. Friend of Raven’s from college. Lexa Woods.”

“That’s a long time. How come she’s not yours?” 

Clarke stopped dead in her tracks. “Mine?”

“Your friend. Didn’t you and Raven have the same social circle in college?” 

Right. “Oh, I mean, yeah, we were more acquaintances, good acquaintances, but they had a lot of the same classes.”

“Huh. Where’s she coming from?” 

“She’s moving back from Goa; needs a place to stay until she finds a place. Now push.”

Thankfully, cleaning out the spare room had Finn red-faced and out of both breath and any more questions, and several hours later, there was just a box of Clarke’s old college things sitting on the floor of the closet. Finn made a beeline for it. “Bet this is gold. I want to see hot-sorority-girl Clarke.”

“I’ll show you hot sorority girl.” Clarke undid her jeans, letting them drop to the floor, leaving the rest of her clothes in a trail on the way to the shower. “Coming?”

Finn chased after her, the box instantly forgotten.

********

Clarke didn’t get to the box until Sunday. Sitting on the floor of her room, she glanced through it quickly. As she picked up some old notebooks, a few photos fell out. Raven and her first day as roommates, a few of her various art pieces on display in the art studio, and one of her, Raven, and Lexa, taken in the mirror of a club bathroom; she had no idea by whom. It was the first time they’d all hung out. Raven was caught in a mid-drunken pirouette, and Clarke stared straight ahead, focused on carefully reapplying her bright red lipstick. But Lexa, a soft half-smile playing on her lips, had her eyes trained on Clarke, one hand reaching out towards Clarke. Clarke closed her eyes, suddenly flooded with memories of how gently Lexa had touched the corner of her mouth in the next moment, running her thumb across her bottom lip, her face inches from Clarke’s as she carefully and precisely fixed her smeared lipstick, her eyes momentarily the colour of dark emeralds as she looked deep into Clarke’s. 

What the hell? Clarke wrenched herself out of the reverie, just as her phone rang. It was her mother. For once, a welcome interruption. “Hi mom, what’s up?”

“Just checking in, darling. I was watching Thelonious’ speech this morning. You doing okay over there?”

“I’m good. We haven’t been told anything more than what you heard. Are you and Marcus still taking that cruise at the end of the month?”

“I think so; there’s really no reason to be alarmed. Looks like things are under control, what with the lockdown in China.”

“I mean, I guess. Just promise me you won’t be reckless.”

“Don’t be silly, darling. We’ll be fine. But if it makes you feel better, we’ve got trip insurance, so we can cancel at the drop of a hat. What are you up to?”

“Oh, you know, Raven’s back from her trip today, so I guess we’ll hang out. And we’ve got a guest for a few weeks. Lexa, from college. So a full house for a bit.”

“Oh.” Abby paused. “Lexa Woods?” Clarke couldn’t help but notice the sudden sharpness in her tone.

“Yeah, mom, her. _Why?_ And how do you remember her, anyway?” Her heart was pounding, inexplicably. 

The doorbell jangled through the house. Raven must have misplaced the keys again. “Mom, I have to go. I’ll call you later. Love you.” 

Pausing at the front door, she couldn’t help but notice her flushed cheeks. Get it together, Clarke; this is ridiculous. She’ll barely remember you.

The second she swung the door open, she knew that was the furthest thing from the truth.

Lexa Woods, with the same maddening half-smile on her face, her head cocked to one side, her eyes alight with the same gentle amusement, stood before her in the flesh. 

“Hello, Clarke. It’s been a while.”

_She was in so much damn trouble. Just like old times._


	3. March has three thousand days

She had rehearsed this moment countless times over the last few days. Over lunch on Tuesday, she was Cold Clarke, dismissively throwing the door open for Raven and Lexa and retreating to her room with a half-assed wave. Fixing her hair in the washroom at work late Wednesday night, she was Angry Clarke, greeting Lexa with a scowl, and slamming pots and pans as she made dinner, furious with her without quite knowing why. On Saturday, she was Friendly But Indifferent Clarke, politely greeting Lexa with a pat-hug, listening to her adventures over a drink, and retiring to her bedroom after dinner with a benign joke about it being way past her bedtime. She’d nailed that one, she thought, had it in the bag. Somehow, in this moment though, the various Clarkes had banded together perfectly and abandoned her _en masse_ , leaving her with well, herself. So it was up to her to do her best, and muster up a perfectly cool response on the spot.

“Lexa, hi. Wow. Hi. Wow. Wow.” Her mental face palm would ring in her ears for days.

Lexa looked taken aback, but a second later, she threw her head back and laughed, and Clarke’s stomach did a full out running bungee leap off a cliff. “Well, yeah, actually. Especially, wow.” said Lexa, rubbing the back of her neck shyly, her smile growing wider.

They stood staring at each other in the doorway, shifting from foot to foot. “Can I come in?” Lexa asked, softly.

“Yeah, of course, sorry, let me help you with those.” Clark grabbed Lexa’s suitcases, rolling them in. “Where’s Raven?” 

“Haggling with the cab driver. Guess some things don’t change?” 

“Ha. Yeah, not that. Long travel?” 

“Two days, yeah.” This was beyond excruciating.

The front door flew open, and Raven marched in, dumped her bags in the foyer, cut straight through the space between Clarke and Lexa, and flung herself on the couch. “I’m deeeeaaad. I don’t think I ever want to be in the air for that long again. Remind me to take a cargo ship to India the next time.” She raised her head, eyeing them both. “Okay good, you two are catching up. Clarke, isn’t this just nuts? Lexa, I told you she was still stunning. Right?” she paused, expectantly.

“S-s-sure, yes, of course, still….” Lexa stuttered, her tanned face suddenly beetroot red. 

Clarke eyed her curiously, then decided to put her out of her misery. “Let me show you your room. I thought you guys might be hungry. Dinner’s ready whenever you are.”

“You’re the best, Clarke. Lexa, I call dibs on the shower!” Raven started toward her room, then turned back suddenly and caught Clarke in a bear hug. “Glad we’re home. This is going to be so much fun!” 

As she set the table, Clarke wondered how far you could bend the definition of a word without breaking it apart.

*****

“Lexa, tell Clarke how you ended up in Goa!”

Lexa cleared her throat, taking a large sip of wine and setting her glass down, which Raven promptly refilled. She was going through it quickly, Clarke noticed, but then she glanced at her own glass, and it told the same story. Maybe the way to get through the next month was to have a crate of the stuff delivered to her doorstep every second day.

“Well, you know I joined the Peace Corps after graduation and went to….”

“The Congo Basin,” It was out before Clarke could stop herself.

Lexa nodded and flashed Clarke a brief but warm smile. “Yeah. I was assigned to teach at the school and help build a water treatment plant in a rural community in the middle of the African rainforest. It was hands down one of the most incredible times of my life, but also challenging in ways I didn’t anticipate. In the rainy season, we were sometimes cut off from the nearest town - which was about 2 days away by jeep - for weeks. And because we were so high up in the mountains, there was a constant cloud cover.” Lexa paused. “I never saw the stars.”

Clarke's eyes softened. Lexa had always loved stars passionately; not seeing them for a couple of years must have been hard.

“It was difficult.” said Lexa, “...so when I finished up my assignment, a fellow volunteer invited me to Goa. It was beautiful, refreshing, and seemed like a good place….to wait.” Her eyes searched Clarke’s for a few moments, but Clarke only returned her gaze with a blank stare. Lexa’s brow furrowed for a second, in what seemed liked confusion, but she continued. “Anyway, I happened to check out the planetary sciences and astronomy graduate program at the local university, and ended up enrolling. They offered me a full ride, and the same for my Ph.D, which I finished a few months ago. So yeah, that’s why I stayed.”

“And because you met Costia, obviously!” Raven piped up, enthusiastically. “Who by the way, is so fucking cool. And gorgeous. And Lexa’s gaga over her. And I mean, who wouldn’t be. She’s the complete package. Seriously, Lex, if things don’t work out between you two….” she trailed off. Lexa chortled, and seemed riveted by the ingredients list on the ketchup label. Clarke simply dumped the last quarter of the wine bottle in her glass, and downed it in one solid gulp.

Scratching at the French windows startled all three of them. “Gryffin!” Clarke slid the door back, to make way for a tuxedo tomcat, who promptly ran up to Lexa and began rubbing against her legs, purring hard. “Lexa, meet the head of the house. He’s back from a three-day bender in the neighbourhood.”

“Aww, hi little guy.” Lexa scratched between his ears. “You named your cat the same name as you?”

“It’s the only thing he answers to. Ever since he was a kitten. Guess he really is a part of the family. He knows his people.” Deciding she’d had enough for one day, Clarke turned to her bedroom. “Good night, you two; I’ve got an early morning. Raven, would you mind clearing up?”

“Oh my god, no. We have mad jet lag, we’re going to be up for a while. Netflix party, Woods. Later, Griffin.”

“Clarke, “ Lexa called after her; she paused. “Thanks. Really. For letting me stay.”

“It’s nothing.” Lexa’s face fell; maybe that was a little harsh. “Let’s just say it’s for old times' sake.”

Lexa smiled, looking slightly relieved. “For old times' sake.”

In her bedroom, Clarke leaned her forehead against the door and sighed deeply.

Onemonthonemonthmonemonth.

******

In between the jet lag, screwed up sleep schedules and an increasingly busy time at work, Clarke managed to limit her interactions with Lexa somewhat for the next couple of weeks. Which didn’t make things any easier; when she was home, Raven insisted on bonding time for “the old crew”, reminiscing about their countless escapades as undergraduates, and inadvertently reminding Clarke just how much time Lexa and her had once spent together, and how supercharged all of it seemed to have been. Lexa seemed to enjoy Raven’s stories, but the intense looks she threw in Clarke’s direction meant that Clarke would toss and turn half the night, waking up soaked and sighing, and in a foul mood for the whole next day. Finally, she’d dragged Finn into her bed and spent all night on top of him, trying to literally fuck Lexa out of her mind, and so what if she’d been louder than necessary, Finn certainly hadn't complained. Raven though, couldn’t resist. “You two having a good time last night? Kept me up, and that’s saying something.”

“Ah, you know,” Finn was having a hard time not looking pleased with himself. Lexa hadn’t said a single word at breakfast, focusing intensely on her omelette, maybe stabbing her fork a little too forcefully into it, and none of it made Clarke feel even a little better. In short, she was a complete and total mess, and she was dying for the news any day now that Lexa had found a place and would be moving out. She would have been happy to pack her things herself and hand deliver them rolled over a red carpet to Lexa’s new place.

She woke up on the last Tuesday of March to a text from Jaha announcing an urgent meeting that morning. “Team, you’ve been watching the news. You know what’s happening. We’re expecting lockdown measures soon, and I’d like those of you who can to start working from home, at least for the next little while.” For Clarke, the news was startling, but not unexpected. They’d seen it coming for weeks. Raven was already working from home, and Lexa hadn’t had any apartment viewings for a few days. On the way home, her phone showed an unknown number calling. 

“Clarke, it’s mom.”

“Is everything okay? Why are you calling me from this number? Where are you?”

“I’m fine, but listen to me. We’re on one of the cruise ships that has tested passengers positive for COVID-19. We’re fine, but we can’t dock at any ports. So, we’re going to be at sea for a while.”

“You took the trip? Why on earth…?”

“Well, Marcus tried for a refund, but the insurance company turned down the request. They were getting so many, so we decided to just take the trip.”

“Mom. You’re a retired doctor with decades of experience with infectious diseases. Please, please tell me this is a joke.”

“Well, Clarke, it’s not. It was a misstep, but here we are. This shouldn’t be for very long. We’re safe; we have everything we need. I’ll give you a call in a few days. I have to go, my time on the satellite phone is up. I love you. Stay at home, Clarke, and wash your hands.”

Clarke pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to regain her composure before opening the front door. Raven was bringing down her bags as she walked in.

“Clarke, I’m going to Octavia’s. She and Lincoln both need to self-isolate after their shifts at the hospital. I need to go over and take care of the kids. I’ll call when I get in.”

“Yeah, of course. This is nuts. Please, please stay safe. Love you. Where’s Lexa?”

“Upstairs. Talking to Costia. She seems upset. Tell her I said bye.” They hugged, and Raven was gone.

Her phone was ringing again: _Finn_. “Hey, babe. You heard about the lockdown? Do you want me to come get you?”

“Get me? Why? I’m at home.” 

“Yeah, I was thinking maybe we could shack up together, if it’s going to be a while. You know, practice for living together. And don’t you have a full house?”

“That’s sweet, Finn, really. But I’m okay. All my stuff is here. Raven’s gone to Octavia’s, and Lexa is probably getting a flight back to Goa right now. I’ll see you in a few days. This is probably not going to be more than a week or two at the most.”

“Okay, I mean, I’d prefer if you were here, so I could take care of you, but okay. I’ll call you later. Be careful, Clarke. I love you.”

“You, too. Bye, Finn.”

She turned on the news on, and heard Lexa coming down the stairs. “Hey. Costia okay? Are you trying to get a flight back?”

Lexa's face was pale. “Costia’s fine, for now. Clarke, they’ve sealed the borders. There are no flights in or out.” 

“What? For how long?”

The voice of the news anchor cut through their racing thoughts. “....And the governor’s announcement of total, indefinite shelter-in-place comes fresh on the heels of cancellation of all in and outbound international travel for the foreseeable future.”

Clarke sank on to the couch, running a hand through her hair. Her mother was stranded in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, Raven was gone, and she was stuck at home with Lexa Woods for the foreseeable future. This was the fairy godmother of all clusterfucks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story set up complete. So it begins! Are we ready for this wild ride? 
> 
> Leave me a comment if you want to chat!


	4. Come see about me

Clarke sighed, turning the TV off. “I can’t take anymore of this right now. I’m sure we’ll hear this stuff on repeat ten thousand times a day.”

Lexa looked around. “Where’s Raven, by the way?”

Oh. “She’s, umm, at Octavia’s. Lincoln and her are both nurses, so on the front lines, and need to self-isolate after work. Raven’s stepping in to watch the kids.”

“That’s incredible of her. And them. They always were heroes.” Lexa paused. “Hang on. Don’t Octavia and Lincoln live like, four hours from here?” 

Clarke nodded slowly.

“So she won’t be home.” 

Clarke shook her head. 

“Oh.” Lexa’s left knee began bouncing up and down; it used to be a dead giveaway of her nervousness; that hadn’t changed apparently. Clarke watched Lexa’s face as the realization sank in. “So it’s just you and me.” Clarke nodded again. “Now what?”

Clarke licked her lips. Lexa’s face, with all the bare honesty of the last few moments painted across it, was reflecting her internal conflict like a mirrored shard. Part of her just wanted to reach out and touch her, to be held and to feel that quiet strength again, to have it prop her up against the world like it once did so certainly. 

But this wasn’t her...the Lexa of the past, right? This Lexa was practically a stranger, with a decade of new lives, of new loves, in her, and the old Lexa she’d thought she’d known so well once had shed that skin the day they graduated. And yet, here she was, looking at her as if no time had passed at all, and nothing had changed since they were twenty-one. Except, nothing was, or would, ever be the same again. Time had gotten to start again, and in a way, so had they.

Clarke stood up. “I don’t know, Lexa. You’re welcome to stay as long as you need to, of course, that goes without saying, unless you’d prefer not to.” At that, Lexa’s shoulders visibly relaxed.

“Clarke, I’m sorry for disrupting your, uh, routine even more; you and Raven have been great. If it’s really okay with you, I’d like to be here; but I need to know I’m not an imposition.”

Clarke nodded. Her routine was the last thing to be affected by Lexa’s presence, and here she was, being forced to admit it in some way. “Stay here, Lexa. The human company would be nice; I was worried about having to learn fluent Cat for Gryffin.”

Lexa’s bright laugh broke the tension. “And he’d probably still judge your accent.” she paused. “Thanks, Clarke.” 

Clarke smiled at her as she made her way up the stairs. “See you in a bit. I need to get back to work.”

She told herself the warmth in her chest wasn’t in any way related to the fact that she couldn’t forget the look of pure happiness that had flashed on Lexa’s face a few moments ago.

******

Clarke’s concentration was interrupted by the scent of fresh garlic and basil wafting in under her bedroom door. She’d holed herself up for the rest of the afternoon, finding solace in the mountain of work that she had to get through in the next few days. Her illustration of the COVID-19 virus had caught the attention of almost all of the major media outlets, and she was flooded with requests to recreate renditions of it for everything from awareness billboards to hand washing manuals. She wondered wryly if she would forever be best known for her portrait of a microscopic bug.

She made her way downstairs. Lexa was standing at the stove, her long hair piled up messily on top of her head, her slender hands crushing sprigs of oregano into a pot. She worked with precision and focus, and Clarke watched her graceful movements for a few moments, completely entranced. Realizing she had been staring, she moved into the kitchen, clearing her throat. “Where did you learn to cook like that?”

Lexa turned around, and poured Clarke a glass of wine. “Many trials, even more errors.” Handing it to Clarke, she raised her own. “Clarke, a proposal: we have a lot to catch up on, and apparently a lot of time to do it now. Let’s go back to relearning how to be friends.”

Clarke clinked their glasses. This was okay, right? Friends, they could do. It’s where they had started out; surely they could do it again. “To a friendship, reborn.” 

Lexa grinned. “Let’s eat. I’ve got to tell you about the time I groomed a giant mountain gorilla to get out of her grasp. She thought I was her long lost daughter.”

Clarke chuckled. “Must have been your mane, obviously.”

“Obviously.” 

It felt a little like old times, butterflies and all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A beautiful fraandship. Hahahahaha. Nice try, kids.


	5. Everything's looking peach now

The next morning, Clarke was greeted by the smell of coffee and freshly cooked eggs as she got back from her usual trail hike. She walked over to the stove, and uncovering the cast-iron skillet, was greeted by the sight of two perfectly made, googly-eyed, snaggle-toothed fried eggs. She giggled. Lexa had managed to balance peppercorns cross-eyed in the yolks, and a slice of fried red pepper was a maniacal grin. The eggs were still warm, there was toast sitting in the toaster, and the coffee was steaming. But where was Lexa? 

She found her a few minutes later, sitting on the back deck, staring dreamily at the waves in the distance, a book open on her lap. There was a chill in the air still, and it drew out a slight blush on her sculpted cheeks. Wisps of hair flew across her face, and one caught at the corner of her mouth. Clarke unconsciously moved her hand up as if to move it away, and the movement caught Lexa’s attention. She smiled and stood up, sliding the French window open. “Hi! Did you get your breakfast?”

“That’s all for me?” Clarke gestured towards the stove. 

“Yeah, figured you could do with a proper breakfast for once. I’ve seen your grab and go attempts.”

Clarke blushed. It was true. Most days, she grabbed the first thing available on her way out the door, usually a protein bar, and which tasted like sugary cardboard at best. How had Lexa even noticed that? 

She decided to join Lexa while she ate, just as a way to show her gratitude, of course. “This is amazing, thank you, Lex. But you don’t have to cook for me every day.”

Lexa cocked one eyebrow at the drop of her old nickname from Clarke’s mouth, but decided not to comment. “Well, I need something to do with my hands.” Her eyes went wide the second the words left her mouth, and her blush grew brighter. “I mean, I like cooking. I’m happy to.”

Clarke, trying not to choke on her toast, quickly washed it down with some coffee. Her gaze dropped to Lexa’s hands, and she watched the slender, strong fingers unconsciously trace patterns on the smooth pages of the notebook. Umm. 

“So, uh, what are your plans, apart from house-hunting? Guess that’s on hold for now?”

“Yeah, I think so. I was actually thinking of looking up online science teaching gigs. Bet schools could use the extra help right now.”

“Mmm, good idea! I think you’ll be a fantastic teacher. Raven always said you were an excellent physics tutor to her.”

Clarke’s phone was ringing; it was a video call from Raven. Speak of the devil. “Morning, sunshine. How’s life at Casa Blake?” She held out the phone for Lexa to appear in frame, too.

“I think I’ve aged three years. When this is over I’m getting my tubes tied.” Raven shoved a spoonful of cereal in her mouth, crunching noisily.

“Already? You’ve been there one day!” Clarke exclaimed as Lexa chuckled, softly.

“Seriously, though, I always thought Aden and Maddie were adorable, and they are, but in like eight ounce doses. We start home-schooling tomorrow. Save me.” 

“Well,” Lexa exchanged glances with Clarke, “We were just talking about how I’m looking at online teaching gigs, since I don’t have many options for employment right now. Maybe I can help?”

“Lexa, I LOVE you. If I could, I would have kissed you right now. Clarke, plant one on her for me!”

Clarke's face blanched. She was seriously considering flinging herself off the deck and onto the rocks below; she stared straight down at her plate. Lexa refused to look in her direction. “It’s no worries, really. Maybe send me the lesson plan so I can take a quick look?”

“Yeah, totally. And look, I’m going to talk to Octavia and Lincoln, and we can come to some kind of arrangement. They were worried their kids were going to forget to read with me.” 

“Yeah, no worries.” Lexa waved her hand dismissively. “Actually now that I have you both on here, I wanted to ask you to split the rent, since this has become a more permanent arrangement. You shouldn’t have to worry about it, Raven.”

Clarke and Raven both ho-hummed at that, but at Lexa’s insistence, they finally agreed to a three-way split. 

“Okay, fine. Welcome back to the family, Lex. Glad you’re here to stay, and keeping Clarke company. I gotta go wake up the monsters, but talk soon? Be safe, you two!”

It was totally normal to feel ecstatic about things like these, of course, Clarke told herself, as she washed up the breakfast dishes. No big deal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going just swimmingly, isn't it?


	6. Interlude - The Love Lockdown reading music experiment

Hello everyone:

A little intermission in the middle of our currently unfolding Clexa romance (don't worry, there will an update later today), because I had an idea.

Apart from writing, music is my other passion; so I write to music a lot (as do a lot of other people and famous writers, of course). Gabriel Garcia Marquez famously listened to the The Beatles when working on his books, including Love in the Time of Cholera (EDIT: I'd suggested reading the book earlier, because I think it's an important read at this time; it's a devastating commentary on the consequences of obsessive extremes, but as someone rightly pointed out, it's a very upsetting read, so please proceed with caution, if you do choose to read it).

Anyway, I thought I would put together a collection of songs that I've been listening to while writing Love Lockdown. Link here: [Love Lockdown (Clexa)](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1cMoFIbEk5zyMdjgg5tB5A?si=OwswR4PYQqenDtsw1vuH5Q).

To me, they were integral in bringing up the thoughts that have translated into the story. So, as an experiment, I thought I would share them with everyone who is on this journey with me, to listen to the songs while reading the story. We all know the indescribable power of words, but music makes everything so evocative, if that's how you choose to imbibe the story.

It's a public playlist on Spotify called "Love Lockdown (Clexa)", created by me, AnansiAnansi. If you can't find it, or if you'd like to listen another way, here are the songs so far (I'll leave notes on chapters/update this list when I feel like adding a new song):

Love Lockdown - Kanye West (obviously)  
You Never Knew - HAIM  
Lovers - Anna of the North  
Sara - Fleetwood Mac  
Come See About Me - Nicki Minaj  
Peach (MUNA Remix) - Broods, MUNA  
Everlasting Evening (featuring Sea Oleena) - Guilty Ghosts  
Golden Brown - The Stranglers  
Call Your Girlfriend - Robyn  
Dreamcatcher - Bahramji, Maneesh de Moor  
Seventeen - Sharon Van Etten

Let me know what you think of the idea (terrible? cheesy? terribly cheesy, but fitting?) I've held off on matching the songs to specific parts (thought I would leave that to the imagination), but let me know if you'd like me to say.

Do you have any song suggestions for me to listen to, while writing? Or, you could just enjoy my (sometimes embarrassing) taste in music. Really putting myself out here, folks. ;)

Okay, back to our regularly scheduled programming!


	7. Golden Brown, fine a temptress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all:
> 
> I wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who's been coming back day after day to keep reading this, and for all the pats on the back and the comments. I cherish them all, and hope I keep making this worth your time. Here's to Clarke and Lexa and their crew for keeping us going during this tough time.

The lockdown dragged on and on. It seemed like every time she turned it on, the news was poised to break at the exact moment of a new and even more horrifying story about the coronavirus pandemic. With the constant litany of facts, opinions and steadily rising figures of infection and mortality, it was a wonder that she hadn’t had a full blown panic attack yet. Maybe it was the fact that her work had reached a more manageable pace, or that she had a bit of time to unwind at times she wouldn’t have before but, except for the news, Clarke had settled into a sort of rhythm in this new normal. She even admitted to herself that Lexa’s quiet presence, and just the constant awareness of knowing she was around the house, was very comforting. It probably was also because she had spent the last two weekends at Finn’s, at his insistence, and against her better judgment. She’d told herself it was mostly to give Lexa some space, and that she had given in because she had missed Finn (at least according to Finn).

Lexa and she had settled into a kind of routine, too. Lexa’s teaching skills had been a hit with Aden and Maddie, and word had spread among their friends that their teacher “was basically a space warrior.” Lexa now had a long roster of hyperactive elementary and middle schoolers with cabin fever to educate and entertain, and no time to do it all. She had barely seen Clarke these last two weeks apart from at mealtimes, and she’d admitted to herself that she missed her. That, and she’d told herself that Clarke probably missed Finn, which is why she had spent the last two weekends at his place. She tried not to think about that too hard. 

She also had barely had a chance to speak to Costia. The time difference between their lives had flipped their days entirely, and apart from short video calls and good-night-good-morning texts, they hadn’t had a proper conversation in two weeks. Which is why Lexa was up a little after sunrise on Sunday morning, huddled on the couch with breakfast in her lap, and Costia on the screen.

“Don’t you wish it was the other way around?”

“What was the other way around?”

“Me in your lap….”

“And breakfast on my screen? Costia, that doesn’t make any sense!” Lexa laughed.

Costia’s hazel eyes sparkled with mischief. “Yeah, but, I’d make sure you had breakfast as well.”

Lexa groaned. “Stop. This is really hard as it is.” She paused. “And really weird. Six weeks ago I was in Goa with you.”

“And now I won’t know when I’ll see you again. Baby, this sucks.”

“I know, I know. For me too.” Lexa looked in the distance at the waves, and imagined another warmer ocean that she had come to know so well. “What’s it like over there? How’s everyone?”

“Well, Astro, Paula and Jairo managed to get the last flights back before they shut the airport down, and Oscar and Priya are staying in Calangute with some friends. I went to see Mum and Dad in Panjim last week, but I don’t think I want to again, at least until we have some news about the number of cases declining; I’m worried about dad’s diabetes putting him at a higher risk. So it’s just Dev, me and a couple of new people who showed up for the festival right before it was cancelled. We’ve formed our own COVID-19 commune, basically, with the bar and the hostel as our hangouts.” Costia paused, and blew out the smoke from her joint in slow wisps; in the blue Indian twilight, she looked like a mystic, with her dreadlocks tied back with a scarf, and her brown arms scattered with tattoos and heavy metal bangles. When she moved, the light caught the tiny gold stud on the side of her nose, highlighting her delicate profile. She was beautiful, there was no doubt about that, thought Lexa.

“You’re staring, Lexa.” Costia looked at her wistfully. “You know, your birthday is coming up in a couple of months. Do you remember the last one?”

Lexa smiled. “Yeah. You finally got me to say yes to being your girlfriend.”

“Took you half a decade. But, your birthday, my gift.” 

“Maybe this year we can celebrate by taking a trip to the mountains. I want you to see them.”

“I’m hoping you’ll be back in Goa by then.”

“What if you get here by then? Didn’t you have a few offers for the bar?”

“Yeah, but they fell through because of this mess. And you know I can’t afford to move unless I sell the place.” Costia looked away for a moment. When she looked back at Lexa, her eyes were full of tears. “Just come back, for now. We’ll figure it out. I love you and I fucking hate this. I miss you so much. I’ll go anywhere you want to if you just come back as soon as you can.”

Lexa took a deep breath. How could she possibly say no? “Yeah, okay, I am. I will. We’ll figure it out together.”

Costia wiped the tears from her cheeks and beamed. “Okay.” She sniffed. “Hey, want to see my latest rave collection?” She pulled out her notepad of clothing sketches, and Lexa listened to her chatter on, interjecting periodically with questions about the style and inspiration.

*******

When Clarke got back that evening, she found Lexa on the back deck, looking up at the stars pensively.

“Hey, Lex. Good weekend?”

“So-so. But I spoke to Costia. You?”

“Same. Finn says hi.” Clarke paused. “How’s Costia holding up?”

“Not good. She asked me to come back as soon as I could.”

Clarke inhaled sharply. That was fair. She would have done the same if Lexa was her girlfriend (but she was not, she reminded herself). “Well, for her sake, I hope they open up the airports soon.” She turned to go, but hesitated. There was something about Lexa tonight that she couldn’t quite read. She seemed sad, and Clarke felt a tug in her chest; she hated seeing Lexa’s eyes without the easy humour they usually carried. “What’s she like?”

“Costia? She’s….wild.” Lexa looked away. “There’s not much she won’t try, or do. And she’s whimsical and flighty.”

“She sounds amazing, honestly. Raven’s been ravin’, as you know.”

Lexa chuckled. “Yeah, Costia has that effect on people.”

“Sounds like true love.”

Lexa looked at her intently for a few moments. “Love’s a big word, Clarke.”

Clarke felt her heart beat faster. It’s true, it was. And she had never used it lightly. Or at all. Yet. “I should go to bed. Wanted to say hi. Sleep well, Lex.”

“You too, Clarke. Sweet dreams.”

She left Lexa still deep in thought. Later, when Clarke came down for a drink of water in the middle of the night, she noticed Lexa had left her phone on the kitchen counter. The screen lit up as she poured herself a glass. It was an alert: _Your flight to Goa is being tracked. We’ll let you know as soon as the next flight is available_.

It took her a long, long time to fall back asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It had to happen. You had to meet Costia.


	8. Finding out the things we can’t do without

Clarke was having a horrible week. 

It began with Jaha’s weekly Zoom call with the entire Medical Art team on Monday morning. Logging in, she waved at her co-workers, waiting for the rest of the team to join in.

“Hey Clarke! Good weekend?”

Before she could respond, the others chimed with what were becoming the standard working from home jokes.

“Was it the weekend? I didn’t notice.”

“I renamed the week on my calendar. It’s now Day, Day, Day, Day, Day, Day and Day.”

“I just washed all my pyjamas over the weekend. Work wardrobe set for the week.”

Clarke joined the polite electronic laughter. “I’m fine, thanks. Looks like my weekend wasn’t as eventful as everyone else’s.” She was thankful her team was still plodding on stubbornly, and putting up a brave front, for now at least. 

Jaha’s face flashed on the screen. He still insisted on wearing a suit and tie for these weekly updates. His showered and pressed image made a ridiculous contrast with the rest of the MA team, which was steadily migrating each week toward the pet-hair embellished, make-up and shave-free end of the quarantine chic spectrum. Clarke glanced down at herself. She insisted on changing into at least jeans and a shirt every day to feel more professional, and maybe so that Lexa didn’t think she was a total slob, but that was secondary, obviously. Today was a simple printed blouse and casual black trousers. Not Jaha-level, but passable. Secretly she wondered if he was pantless and in boxers from the waist down, and then instantly tried to suppress the giggle that threatened to escape from her mouth. 

“Okay, everyone, thanks for logging in. Let’s get started. Busy week ahead for us. You’re seeing the science, and we’re getting more and more requests for COVID-related imagery. But, I know there’s a lot of other subject matter we need eyes on. So, I’m going to do some reshuffling of projects. Clarke, since your COVID-19 image is the one that got us into this mess, you get to lead the Coronavirus MA team.” Jaha paused, letting a half-smile slip onto his face for a second. Clarke knew he was proud of her, and the spotlight it had thrown the team into. “Which means that I’m going to have to shuffle the rest of your projects. Sorry, I know you were really enjoying the floral extracts textbook.” 

She was. It was a calming break to look at flowers instead of virions for a change. “Noooooo! Chief Jaha, that was my favourite one!” 

“I know, and I’ll give it back when this is done. But for now, you’ll need all the time you have to handle the work, and delegate as you need to. Also, you’ll need an eye on news updates for potential scientific developments, mutations, whatever, so we know what other projects are coming down the pipeline.”

She nodded, but sighed internally. She was not looking forward to the constant barrage of bad news, with no end in sight. “Will do, Chief.”

Jaha spent the next few minutes redistributing projects. “Right everyone, stay home, stay safe, and let’s keep on trucking. See you all next week.” The steady pings that followed signalled the rest of the team logging off.

Clarke picked up her phone to text Finn. _Think I just got promoted without really being promoted. Yay._

The three dots appeared. _Awesome. Does this mean you’ll be too busy to do dinner tomorrow?_

She frowned. _I don’t know. Maybe. Honestly not thinking about anything other than getting this stuff done._ She was annoyed with him. Finn was bored at home, and his constant pressing for her attention was beginning to take its toll on her. 

_Okay. But I miss you. Maybe I can come over and cook for you? Really want to see you this week._

That was the absolute last thing she wanted right now. _Finn, we saw each other all weekend. I’ll let you know. Sorry, really stressing today._

Finn’s response was short and swift. _I know how you get. It’s fine._

Clarke scowled. He could at least have tried. That exchange had somehow made her feel even worse. She put her phone down and turned back to her work.

******

By Wednesday, she was scrambling to keep up. She realized she was working non-stop, and it was counter-productive, but she had a huge deadline for Friday she was working towards. In between the newsfeed updates and managing the incoming work, she was behind on her own work, a complex rendition of the minutest details of the COVID-19 virus infecting human cells, for one of the labs developing a cure.

“Clarke? Can I come in?” It was Lexa, standing in the doorway with a plate of food and a glass of wine. “Hungry?” 

She was starving. She’d completely forgotten to eat. “Oh my god. Thank you. How did you know?”

“Well, I usually eat dinner at dinnertime. Strange, I know. But I was wondering if you were weird like me.”

Clarke laughed. She missed Lexa. She wanted to be near her. “How can I make this up to you?”

“Will you let me make you dinner on Friday, once you’ve made your deadline?” Lexa asked, a little shyly. “I happen to know a great homemade pizza recipe. And I can have that craft six-pack we ordered last week chilling.”

Clarke realized what Lexa was asking; Lexa didn’t know it, but she was going to cancel on Finn to stay home that weekend. “Is this the grown up version of our post-exam pizza party?” It was an old tradition, and one they’d reserved only for each other. 

Lexa blushed. “Well, kind of. You’re having a rough week, so I thought that might help.”

“Count me in. 5:01PM Friday and I’m all yours.”

Lexa’s face broke into a wide grin. “It’s a date.”

Clarke couldn’t stop smiling for the rest of the evening.

******

Thursday night, Clarke refreshed her news feed, checking for coronavirus updates as per Jaha’s orders. She rubbed her eyes, waiting for the stories to load. She was just so fucking tired. Work was gruelling, her head felt like the watermelon in one of those videos with elastic bands wrapped around it, and she didn’t want anything to do with COVID-19 anymore. She instantly chastised herself as she thought of Octavia and Lincoln, reminding herself she was lucky enough to have a job working from home without endangering herself, but just a few hours without having to worry about the pandemic would have been nice. Friday evening and dinner with Lexa couldn’t come soon enough.

“What the…?” She clicked on the top headline. 

_Stranded South Pacific Cruise Ship Hosts Latest COVID-19 Outbreak_

Clarke’s skimmed the article, her eyes growing wide with horror. _Over a hundred cases and growing....ports refusing to dock…escalating situation….medical resources low._

She put her head in her hands. Her mother was on that ship.

******

Clarke spent a terrible, sleepless night, tossing and turning until she gave up and looked up ways to contact cruise ships online. She eventually found a toll-free number, and called and left a message with Abby and Marcus’ cruise itinerary and whatever other information she remembered about their trip. There was no way she was falling back asleep, so she decided to work on her deadline.

She ran downstairs for a giant pot of coffee, a banana and a protein bar; the sun hadn’t even risen, and Lexa was still asleep. She worked all morning and straight through lunch, pausing only to check her phone for any calls, and to snack on the bar for lunch. Being worried sick could make you incredibly productive. She finally finished around 4:30, heaving a huge sigh of relief. She was completely exhausted, but she had gotten through the week. Her phone rang just as she hit _send_ on her email. She grabbed it on the half ring without checking the number. “Hello?”

“Clarke? Babe? Where have you been all day? Are you coming over tonight?”

Shit. She’d forgotten to respond to his texts last night. “Hi Finn, crap. I’m sorry, I literally just hit send on my last project for the week. I can’t tonight, I’m sorry, I’m dead tired.”

“What? I thought we’d agreed you’d spend weekends here? It’s lonely over here without you.”

“Finn, I’m sorry. Maybe let’s do a FaceTime call tomorrow? I need to crash tonight.”

He paused. “I just don’t get it; why can’t you come over here and sleep? I won’t even care if you fall asleep on the couch.” She could practically hear the pout in his voice. And she was over it. “Look, Finn, seriously, I’m not feeling it tonight. Let’s talk tomorrow. I’m sorry.”

“When are you feeling it these days, Clarke?” He was spoiling for a fight now.

“What?” Her tension headache began pounding again.

“I mean, when do I ever come first? You know what, don’t answer that. Enjoy your evening, and call me tomorrow.” Clarke stared at her phone. Had Finn seriously hung up on her? When had she started dating a petulant man-child?

“Whatever, Finn.” She flung her phone angrily on the bed, and went to take a shower. Maybe that would help her headache. There was still no word from Abby.

******

Lexa hummed to herself as she sprinkled goat cheese on the pizza. She was pleased with herself; the salad just needed to be dressed, the beer was chilled, and the pizza would be ready around the time Clarke would be downstairs. She’d noticed that Clarke had skipped lunch again, and was probably ravenous. Lexa shook her head as she wiped her hands on a cloth. It was weird how much of Clarke hadn’t changed in over a decade, and yet how much she tried to hide that fact. She’d spent a lot of time this past week thinking about Clarke. Unconsciously at first, thoughts of Clarke had crept in, between lessons, while she went for a run on the beach, as she fell asleep at night. Somewhere along the way, she’d given up pushing them away; she’d come to the realization that everything in the completely surreal sequence of events that had led her to this moment, and to being so close to Clarke after so long, was completely out of her control. She was here now, as was Clarke, they literally had nowhere to go, and there was probably a reason in the grand scheme of things for it all. Lexa had decided to let chance take the reins, which clearly had been the plan all along. Things would fall as they would. She would wait and see.

Her phone buzzed. Costia’s face appeared, sticking out her tongue, along with Dev and a blonde woman she didn’t know. They were out for a morning walk on the beach. Lexa grinned. Costia had been in a much better mood since their last chat. Lexa had made an effort to be better about texting and keeping in touch generally, and it seemed to be working. Costia seemed to be back to her old self, and her friends seemed to be keeping her busy. Flighty. Lexa was relieved. She smiled at the picture, fondly.

“What are you grinning at?” Clarke appeared at the kitchen entrance.

Lexa put her phone away. She would respond later. “Oh. Costia sent me a silly selfie. She’s doing better.” She did a double take when she saw Clarke’s sweatshirt. It was Lexa’s old lacrosse jersey. She remembered when Clarke had “borrowed” it in senior year, and here they were a decade later. “You still have that?”

Clarke held her arms out and did a quick pirouette. “Mhmm. Fished it out of the back of my closet for this hopping party. How do I look?”

Lexa’s eyes softened. Seeing her last name on Clarke’s back made her feel all funny inside. “Like my Number One fan.”

Clarke blushed. “Well, you’re very lucky then.”

“I am.” Lexa handed Clarke a beer. “So, how did the deadline go?”

“Well,” Clarke opened her mouth to gloss over the details of her work week, like she would have with Finn. Then, she decided against it. “Work was awful, but I got it done. And, the ship my mom is on has had a major COVID-19 break. I found out in the news last night.” By the time she had finished bringing Lexa up to speed, Lexa’s eyebrows were knitted with worry. “Shit, Clarke. I’m so sorry. Is there anything else we can do? Can I help?”

Clarke shook her head and smiled. “No. I really don’t know what else there is to do. You can help take my mind off it.”

“On it.” Lexa turned to check on the pizza. Clarke’s phone rang. _Unknown number_ flashed on the screen. “It’s my mom.” Lexa waved at her to go answer it.

“Hello? Mom?”

“Clarke, darling, hi. I got your message.” Abby’s voice sounded tired.

“Mom, I saw the news. I’ve been worried sick. What’s going on? Are you and Markus okay?”

“We’re fine. But the outbreak numbers are growing. I’m volunteering to help the medical team out, so it’s been pretty stressful.”

“Mom, are you being careful? Do you have enough PPE on board? The article said something about a shortage.”

“We’re doing the best with what we have. We’re probably going to be anchored off the shore of Hawaii soon; they’ll be able to send us reinforcements there.” Abby paused. “I’m okay for now, don’t worry. Your mom is tough.”

“I know. But you’re all I have left.” Clarke said, softly. 

“And I’m not going anywhere. I promise.” Abby’s voice grew thick. “Listen, darling, I’m going to be getting a cell phone soon. The ship is arranging for us to get some when we get to Hawaii. We’ll be able to keep in touch better then. It should be a couple of days.”

“Okay. Just please, please, be careful. And, I’m really proud of you.” 

“I know. I’m proud of you, too. Bye, baby.” Abby’s voice was replaced by a dial tone.

Clarke took in a ragged breath. Her head felt like it was going to explode, and her chest had turned to steel. She was trembling, and her hands began to shake uncontrollably. After Jake’s death, she and Abby had turned to each other for support, and Clarke now fiercely cherished her relationship with her mother. The thoughts of losing Abby to COVID-19, coupled with all the horror stories she’d read of families not being able to say goodbye, had terrified her. She was struggling to breathe now, heaving her chest up and down with the effort, there were tears streaming down her face, and it was only when she reached for her beer bottle which clattered to the floor out of her trembling hand, did she realize she was having a panic attack.

Lexa heard the bottle crash just as she had finished setting the table. “Clarke?” She hurried into the living room. Her heart clenched at the sight. Clarke, eyes wild and tears streaming down her face, was rocking back and forth on the couch, sobbing. She was having a panic attack. In a flash, Lexa was by her side. She reached for Clarke’s hands, and when Clarke didn’t object, began to rub them gently. 

Clarke was hyperventilating now, even as Lexa tried to stay calm; she had never felt so completely powerless. Watching Clarke like this absolutely gutted her. Not knowing what else to do, Lexa held her arms open; Clarke looked up, and crashed into Lexa’s embrace with a force that nearly knocked them over. She sobbed into Lexa’s neck, her entire body shaking violently. Lexa began rubbing gentle circles on her back. She stroked her hair, whispering softly in Clarke’s ear. They stayed like that for a long time. When she felt Clarke’s breathing gradually slowing down, she looked into her eyes. “Do you want to lie down?” Clarke nodded. Lexa helped her up, and half-carried her up the stairs. Once she’d tucked Clarke into her own bed, she went to the bathroom cabinet and found her anxiety pills. She brought one to Clarke with a glass of water, who took it with still shaking hands. As she turned the lights off, she heard Clarke’s voice. “Can you stay?”

Her heart hammering in her chest, Lexa nodded. She slipped under the covers, her body flush against Clarke’s back, and slipped her arms around her. Clarke turned in her embrace, and grabbing the front of her shirt, put her head against Lexa’s chest. “Catch me, Lex. I’m falling.”

And Lexa did, like she would never let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anxiety sucks. The news isn't helping. Take care of yourselves, and of each other.


	9. Hope for us

Clarke lay in a lush forest clearing with her head resting on a patch of soft, fresh grass. The diffused light filtering through the trees gave everything a soft, hazy hue behind her eyelids. Safe, sheltered and blissed out, she listened to the soft pitter-patter of raindrops, inhaling the clean scent of the forest in great lungfuls. 

When she opened her eyes, she was in her bed, with Lexa’s warm, steady breath tickling the back of her neck. What a chill dream. She couldn’t remember the last time she had woken up so relaxed. Lexa’s right arm was thrown over her waist. She could hear the raindrops falling gently on the waves outside. A cool breeze wafted in through the half-open window, bringing a slight chill in with it; Lexa sighed, and snuggled into her, pulling her closer. Clarke thought back to the events of the previous evening, remembering the onset of her panic attack and the calming feeling of Lexa’s embrace as she had finally drifted off to sleep as the medicine took effect. She hadn’t had such an intense bout since her dad’s death five years ago, and had almost forgotten how scary they could be. Lexa had been perfect through it all; even now, Clarke was relishing the feeling of being held by her. This nurturing side was what she remembered best, and had missed the most about her. Being the centre of Lexa’s attention was like having the sun shine for you alone. This Lexa was the same as her college crush, the one whose light and attention she had craved more than anything, and right now, if she was being totally honest, she was right back there again. 

But, that was a different time, and Lexa had since proved to Clarke that Clarke was in fact, completely forgettable to her. And she had made a separate life halfway across the world, complete with a girlfriend to hold like this every night. That thought made Clarke pull away from Lexa, but not without a pang in her heart; something had changed between them last night, that was true, and the part of her that still held a flame for Lexa was excited to explore it. But this, whatever this was, wouldn’t be at the cost of her heart again; she would have to proceed with caution. 

Clarke’s stirring made Lexa roll over on her back; she’d been awake for a few minutes, but had stayed still, cherishing the feeling of having Clarke in her arms. She had lain awake for a long time after Clarke had fallen asleep the night before, replaying the evening in her head over and over. It had hurt and scared her to see Clarke like that. But, she was glad she'd been the one Clarke had turned to. Thinking about Clarke’s words before she had fallen asleep made her instinctively pull her closer even now; Lexa was surprised by the intense wave of protectiveness that washed over her. But it could have been anyone else, right? Maybe it was Finn Clarke had really wanted, and Lexa had been the most convenient option. She sighed; this was all such a mess; she was such a giant mess over Clarke, as usual, as she had always been. But it was all too much to think about this early in the morning. She opened her eyes. “Hey.”

Clarke turned over and smiled sleepily. “Hi.” They lay like that, looking into each other’s eyes for a few moments, until Clarke’s stomach let out a loud, long rumble, making them both laugh. “Whoops. Shouldn’t have skipped dinner, I guess?” Clarke joked.

“Well, how do you feel about pizza for breakfast?” 

“Living on the edge. Quarantine rules. Let’s do it.”

They freshened up and headed downstairs. Lexa walked into the living room and threw a few paper towels over the spilled beer to clean it up. Clarke reheated the pizza and fixed them both coffee. They headed out to the back porch, eating in silence for the first few minutes, taking in the day and each other.

Finally Clarke put her plate on the table and picked up her coffee. “Lexa, I don’t know how to thank you for last night. I wouldn’t have known what to do by myself. You were amazing.”

Lexa beamed at her. “I’m just glad I was here, really. Don’t thank me.” She paused. “Are you feeling better?”

“Yeah, much. I slept so well. But I think I’ll take it easy today. I think that was a warning from my body to rest.”

“That’s probably a good idea. When did they start, the panic attacks?”

Clarke hesitated. “Five years ago, after Dad died. I was in a bad way for a few months. I couldn’t eat, and lost a ton of weight. Mom prescribed the pills for me, and I had to quit med school, temporarily. Which has become a five-year hiatus, but the attacks gradually stopped. Until last night.” Clarke looked at Lexa curiously. “Did you...did you know about Dad?”

Lexa looked at her, her eyes clouding over with uncertainty. “Yes. I found out when I moved to Goa. I’m really sorry, Clarke. I remember how close you two were.”

Clarke looked away. If Lexa had known, why hadn’t she reached out to her? She would have given anything to have had Lexa comfort her back then, just as she was clearly still capable of doing. She could only assume that Lexa simply hadn’t wanted to, which really hurt. Proceed with caution. But, she was here now, and maybe that counted for something. “It’s okay. It was a long time ago now; I’ve been healing.”

They stood up. Clarke turned to Lexa, and pulled her into a long hug. God, that felt good. 

“What was that for?” Lexa asked, as they finally pulled apart. 

“For being here.”

They spent the rest of the day pottering about the house quietly, each one lost in the private maze of her own thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These two. The louder it calls, the faster they run. At least we got some backstory hints (for those of you asking, a little respite, maybe?)
> 
> Also, how is everyone? Hanging in there? Leave me a comment if you want to chat!


	10. And this is how it starts

Yawning, Lexa yanked the fridge door open, and eyed its contents. Five eggs, a bunch of half-wilted kale, the remnants of the goat cheese she’d used for the pizza, and a half-pack of wrinkled cherry tomatoes stared back at her. She reached for the milk carton in the fridge door and shook it. There was maybe enough for the morning’s coffee. Hmm. The week’s grocery delivery was due today; she pulled up the email on her phone, scrolling through the list, checking for what to expect. _Sourdough, out of stock_ _(credit)._.. _Butter, out of stock (credit)...Milk, out of stock (credit)..._ and so it went on, until it looked like this week’s total order would be a butternut squash and a clamshell of overpriced blueberries. Lexa sighed and went upstairs.

Clarke was lounging in bed, studying the angle of light through her window, watching it hit the single stranded sun catcher and bounce off in shimmering patterns. It felt like she was underwater, and she was a mermaid watching the world above her. Maybe she would paint some today. Lexa had reached out to knock on the open door, but she paused. Clarke was lost in thought, and she watched her absently trace strokes out in the air; her fingers moved effortlessly, and to Lexa, she looked like a dancer, creating magic out of air and nothing. She was entranced. 

Clarke, sensing her presence at the open door, turned her head. “Hi.” she smiled. This was nice. Lexa and inspiration first thing on a Sunday morning.

“Hi.” Lexa smiled bashfully. “Didn’t mean to pry, sorry.”

“I don’t mind.” Clarke turned, and the covers slid off her chest; she was wearing a light white tank top, and through it, Lexa could very clearly see the dark outline of each areola. The thin fabric settled against the full curves of her breasts, and the chill in the air had puckered her nipples erect. Totally taken by surprise, Lexa couldn’t keep her eyes off them, completely forgetting what she had come for.

Clarke cleared her throat. “What’s up?”

Lexa's face flushed a bright red. Fuck. “Uh, so, we’re almost out of food. The grocery service is out of stock with practically everything, so today’s delivery is a no-go. I can scrounge something up for breakfast, but I think I’ll actually have to go shopping. I was wondering if I could borrow your car.”

Clarke nodded. “Sure, but, I can drive us?”

”Oh. Well, I wasn’t going to ask you to go.” Lexa hesitated. ”I’d rather be the one to.”

“You mean venture out into the great, wild unknown? No, I’m not letting you go by yourself.”

“Are you sure, Clarke? I’ll be okay.”

“Yeah, same team, Woods.”

Lexa bit her lip. “Okay. But I’m bundling you up.”

“As long as I’m still cute in post-apocalyptic couture.”

“You don’t need to worry about that, Clarke.” Lexa turned to go down the stairs, her ears still burning. “I’ll get breakfast ready.” 

Clarke sat up, shaking her head. Of course Lexa would try to offer herself up. And, she had definitely been staring. She thought about that for a moment. Nope, she didn’t mind it one bit. Steady, Clarke.


	11. Armour up and say your prayers

Lexa couldn’t get the image of Clarke out of her head. She thought back to all the versions of Clarke she had known in the past, and how each was indelible in its own way. She was transported back to college, where Clarke was the firefly that almost anyone she encountered would have willingly followed off a cliff. Lexa, on the other hand, had been the shy, awkward onlooker, peeking out from the shadows, stammering and fumbling her way into Clarke’s friend circle, thanks mainly to Raven’s efforts to get her nerdy roommate to open up and “remember that you’re in college, not a nunnery,” as she had so eloquently put it. 

At first, she had mainly known Clarke as the friendly friend of a friend, the pretty, popular girl who would stop by their room to hang out with Raven, and who made an effort to seek Lexa out when Lexa made a rare appearance at a college party, ask what she’d been up to lately, and go back to whatever version of beer pong and boys had currently caught her interest. She’d tried not to get too caught up in Clarke, and had mostly carried on until one afternoon in sophomore year, when she’d found Clarke waiting outside her and Raven’s dorm, with none of her usual gregariousness about her. She looked pensive, and asked her if she knew when Raven would be back.

“Not till this evening, I think. She’s got a double physics lab to catch up on, from err, sleeping through it last week.” They both knew Raven had fucked off class to play video games; she’d claimed to be bored with the syllabus, and none of it would matter, because she’d make straight As anyway. Except that the class had a mandatory attendance policy for passing.

“Oh. Hmm. Guess I’ll come back later then.” Clarke said, making no effort to get off the stone ledge she was sitting on.

Lexa hesitated. She had the afternoon free, and lacrosse practice wasn’t till later anyway. “Do you want to come in?” Clarke had raised an eyebrow at her. “You look like you need to talk.”

“I do.” Clarke hesitated. “Do you have any tea?”

Lexa smiled. That she could provide. “I do, actually.”

As Clarke had rummaged through her “bougie” tea collection (“Seriously Lexa, these tea bags are made of real _silk_. Who are you?”), Lexa had put the kettle on, and adapted her study space of floor cushions for two, lighting a couple of scented candles. “They chill me out. Maybe they’ll help you too?”

Clarke sank down on one of the cushions, her hands wrapped around a steaming mug. “If only it was that easy.” Lexa eyed her, saying nothing, giving her a chance to gather her thoughts. She sipped her earl grey-jasmine blend, playing with the label. _Royal Bliss._ Hmm. Maybe it was a bit stuck up. She would check the grocery store for orange pekoe next time.

“I slept with a girl.” Clarke looked at her with wide eyes.

“What?” Lexa looked up, confused.

“I slept with someone. Who is a girl.” Clarke tried again, clearly expecting a response.

That’s all? This was the big reveal? “Okay.” Try harder, Lexa. “How did it make you feel?”

Clarke looked taken aback, like she wasn’t expecting _that_ question of all the possible ones. “Oh. Well…” she looked away. “Good. Really good. I just…. I just never thought of myself as gay or whatever. I don’t know where that came from.” She threw one hand up in the air, like she was at a loss for what else to do.

“Well, I mean, it looks like you felt something, and you acted on it. It doesn’t have to mean anything unless you want it to. And it doesn’t automatically mean you’re gay. I mean you could be. But like, you could also just be you.” Lexa paused. “Would you do it again?”

Clarke blushed. “I mean, yeah.” She looked at Lexa and smiled. “Girls are so pretty. And fascinating.”

Now it was Lexa’s turn to blush. “I know exactly what you mean.”

Clarke looked at her curiously. “You mean…”

“Yeah, I’ve known since I was nine. But it hasn’t been a coming out process for me, really. I’ve just really never really thought too much about who I’m attracted to. So far it’s always been women. But who knows.” Lexa shrugged. With everything else in her life, her sexuality hadn’t really been something she’d had a chance to fret about.

Clarke studied her face for a few moments. “I wish I had your confidence, Lexa. This is scary for me.”

“I get that, totally. If you ever need someone to talk about it with, I’ll be here with my silken tea bags.”

Clarke laughed, and it sent a small shiver up Lexa’s spine. “True. I know where to find you.” She looked grateful. “Thank you, Lexa.”

They spent the rest of the afternoon talking about their college semester so far, until it was time for Lexa’s lacrosse practice. That was the beginning of it all, Lexa realized. After that day, she’d never looked at Clarke quite the same way again.

Lexa moved around the kitchen preparing breakfast. Clarke had always been stunning, but time had changed her body in amazing ways; where she’d once been fresh and full, she was now luscious. Her curves had filled out in the perfect places, something that Lexa was now acutely aware of, after having spent a full night holding onto them. She’d also seemed to have settled into herself with a self-assurance that could only have come with age; her bisexuality suited her. In short, Clarke was fucking sexy, and it was doing a real number on Lexa. She whisked the eggs with fervour; this frittata was going to fluff like a cotton ball. Oof.

“Alright, I’m set for this battle.” Clarke walked in and began fixing herself a coffee. Lexa did a double take. She was wearing leather pants, a grey top, a leather jacket and knee high boots, and it was all tight enough to have been painted on. She looked ridiculously hot. As Lexa gawked, Clarke turned and raised an eyebrow at her “What? This is how I always go grocery shopping.” They both burst out laughing. 

“Hey, might as well make an event of it.” Lexa glanced down at herself. “Maybe I should change, too.”

Clarke looked her up and down slowly. Lexa was wearing fitted black harem pants, and a black sweater with embellished silver sleeves, with the top three buttons undone showing off her high collar bones. With her natural slender gait, she looked like a warrior. And it was totally hot. “Nah. I like you like this.” Clarke winked at Lexa as she moved over to sit at the kitchen table, enjoying watching Lexa’s blush slowly rise up to her face. She pulled up her phone and began making a grocery list. After breakfast, she went to the cleaning closet and found two remaining painters’ masks left over from when Raven and she had painted the kitchen, and handed one to Lexa. “I’m going to sew us cloth ones, but these are better than nothing for now.” She tossed in some latex gloves, hand sanitizer and a travel pack of disinfectant wipes in her bag. "Shall we?” Armed to the teeth, she made her way to the car. 

Lexa locked the door behind them, bemused. What a surreal time to be alive.

*******

The parking lot of Mount Weather Coop was eerily empty. Where cars usually fought for space, drivers cutting each other mercilessly for the last spot in the front part of the parking lot, there were maybe twenty cars, each with several spots of space between them. There was a line at the door to get in. People stood on taped circular markers about six feet apart with face masks on, looking at their phones silently. It looked like an absurdist game of Twister, paused. Clarke and Lexa joined them, snapping on their latex gloves and putting on their face masks, and they were in the store in ten minutes.

Inside, people were moving with careful precision, measuring the six-foot distance between each other, maneuvering their overflowing carts like bumper cars. This was going to be a challenge. Clarke beckoned Lexa, who was pushing their cart to the grocery section, and paused. They needed to get to the back by the fresh greens, but there were people in almost every aisle. She exchanged looks with Lexa, who nodded. “Pac-Man. See you there.” Lexa swerved to the right, then took three steps to the left, paused and waited for the person in front of her to move six feet away while adding cucumbers, potatoes and berries to the cart, and then seamlessly stepped into the aisle and pushed her way to the imaginary finish line, by the fridge full of leafy vegetables. She held ten fingers up, then pointed to Clarke, as if to say _your turn._

Challenge accepted. Clarke walked straight ahead for five steps, ducked to the right out of the way of a family of six (why were they all here?), grabbed a bag of carrots, six tomatoes, and three heads of garlic, and cradling them all in her arms, did a short u-turn to arrive at the finish line. Lexa looked up from her watch. “Eight seconds. Nicely done.”

“And with all these things, cartless. That deserves another three points.” Clarke emptied her arms into the trolley.

“True, but you grabbed the romas, when san marzanos are obviously the best.” Lexa pointed to the tomatoes. “That’s sacrilege, and a three point deduction.”

“I’ll fight you on that. Romas are the most versatile.” 

They fake bickered through the store, tossing in the things Clarke called out from her phone into the cart. 

“Okay, moment of truth. Quarantine snack preferences?” Lexa waved her hand at the huge junk food and candy aisle. 

“Ooh. Definitely kettle chips; maybe some popcorn. And as a really guilty pleasure…” Clarke held up a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. 

Lexa held up three fingers. “Approve. Also these.” She dumped in two packs of vegetable chips, and some dark chocolate bars. “Okay, let’s try our luck with the toilet paper aisle, and that should be it.” Clarke led the way.

It was totally empty. Lexa let out a long whistle. “I thought the hoarding behaviour would be over by now.” As they watched, a middle-aged man walked by pushing two carts nonchalantly, each piled to the top with toilet paper. In between the two carts, he had maybe 20 12-packs. 

Clarke and Lexa looked at each other incredulously. “Excuse me, sir. Could you spare a couple of packs?” Clarke called out to him.

“Sorry, first come, first serve.” He shrugged and began walking away.

“Oh no. Not again.” They turned to find a frail-looking old woman standing by the aisle with a look of despair in her eyes. She saw them watching her. “I won’t have a ride here again until next week.” She wrung her hands. “This is so difficult, isn’t it?”

Lexa squared her shoulders. “Wait here, please.” She walked up to the man with the toilet paper on the tips of her toes. He was engrossed trying to balance an armful of disinfectant wipes in his arms as he tried to clean those shelves off, too. In a span of seconds, Lexa had walked past him stealthily, coolly grabbing two packs out of one of his carts, and without breaking pace or stride, had vanished around the corner. The hoarder never even noticed. She strolled back up to them from the opposite end after coming back around in a minute, and set down one 12-pack in the old woman’s cart, and the other in theirs. 

The woman’s eyes went wide with delight. “Oh, thank you, thank you, you are so kind. This really makes things so much easier.” She turned to Clarke. “She’s a keeper, this one. Don’t let her go.” She shuffled off, muttering something about youth reflecting the true value of society under her breath. 

Lexa looked at Clarke, whose eyes were shining with pride and something else she couldn’t place. “That was really sweet, Lex.” They stood in the aisle, looking intently into each other’s eyes. Lexa broke the silence first. “Keeping my inner ninja in practice. Should we head home?”

They were both quiet on the drive home. Lexa looked out of the window; Clarke, the woman’s words ringing in her ears, listened to her head and heart duking it out over the enigma that was Lexa Woods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More back story for my most patient peeps. 
> 
> And, these days, a grocery shopping trip counts as a date. Agree?


	12. Baby, who?

On Monday morning, wrapped in a towel, Clarke flopped down on her bed to cool off after her shower. She pulled up the messages on her phone.

 _Hi. How was your weekend?_ She hit send, and clicked on the Facebook icon to open up her page while waiting for a response. She hit the search icon and typed in ‘Lexa Woods’ in the search bar, and waited for the results to appear.

 _Fine. Didn’t have much going on. My date cancelled on me. You?_ Finn’s response made her groan out loud. 

Great. She’d hoped that giving him a couple of days to cool off would have helped but that didn’t seem to be the case. _Okay, I guess. Went grocery shopping with Lexa. So surreal. Did you go out shopping?_ The top search result was a picture of Lexa, smiling at the camera with Costia grabbing her sand-covered shoulders and kissing her cheek. Clarke’s brow furrowed. She clicked on the image to enlarge it. Lexa looked carefree and relaxed, with the turquoise waters of the Indian ocean shimmering in the background. 

_I did. Would have been nice to have the company._

Ugh. He was still mad. Clarke was already regretting texting him. _Sorry about Friday. I was all over the place. Found out Mom is on the ship with the big COVID outbreak._

_That sucks. Is she okay? Would have liked to have heard about it over dinner._

Was Finn for real? _She’s fine, thanks for asking. It was a shock._ She ignored his last dig.

Clarke swiped through to see the rest of Lexa’s profile pictures. They were all of her alone. Lexa lying in a hammock, book resting on her stomach, Lexa holding up her PhD certificate beaming in her graduation robes, Lexa standing on the shoulders of a muscular surfer dude as she tried to reach for what Clarke could only guess was a drink in a coconut shell about 20 feet above the ground as a crowd cheered her on. Lexa seemed to have come out of her shell in Goa; she’d have liked to see this side of her. There were a few more like that, but they stopped about seven years ago. She’d recalled Lexa never used Facebook in college. She scrolled back to her main profile photo of Lexa and Costia and studied it for a few more minutes. They looked happy together. She scowled, and tried to suppress a sudden pang of jealousy, before sending Lexa a friend request.

She checked Finn’s response. _Can I call you?_

Clarke sighed. _Sure._

“Hey, Clarke.”

“Hi Finn. Doing okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Look, I’m sorry about Friday, but I really wanted to spend time with you.”

“It’s okay. I know, it would have been nice, but I really wasn’t up to it.”

“It just felt like you were avoiding me to stay home. Which is weird, because there’s nothing for you there.”

Clarke cleared her throat. He sure was wrong about that. “Well, I wasn’t. And here’s the thing, we’re probably not going to be seeing each other as much until the lockdown is relaxed, so we need to get used to it.”

She heard Finn’s sharp intake of breath. “What do you mean? We can still see each other? I live alone, and you and Lexa have been living together for like a month and a half now. So we’re fine, right?”

“That’s just a loose guideline. We should be stricter about social distancing. I don’t think I’m going to come by for the next few weeks.”

“Weeks? Clarke, are you serious?” Finn paused. “Why don’t you want to see me?”

That wasn’t it, was it? “Of course I want to see you, Finn. I’m just trying to do the social distancing thing properly.” 

“I mean, we can do that together here. Why don’t you come stay with me?”

“I just can’t leave Lexa alone for weeks, Finn.”

“Why not? She’s a grown woman, isn’t she? She’ll survive.”

“And you’re a grown man, so will you.”

“Wow, okay. I don’t get you sometimes, Clarke.” Finn paused. “I guess we’ll talk later. Call me when you feel like it.” He hung up.

Clarke rolled over on her back. Finn was right. She didn’t want to see him, but she couldn’t figure out exactly why. He was a sweet boyfriend, eager to please and he really tried most of the time. In fact, that’s kind of how they had become a thing in the first place. Finn had come home with her one night from a house party, and he’d kind of just kept coming back until she let him stay a little longer each time. That was about a year a half ago, and before she knew it, they were boyfriend and girlfriend. It had kind of slipped into a serious relationship for him quite quickly but Clarke realized that it had never really moved past the casual stage for her. She sighed. Could she imagine a life without Finn in it? She frowned, tugging at her bottom lip. She’d have to think about that one; she was concerned that she didn’t have a clear answer right away. She would mull it over, and hopefully, things would be clearer then. For now, she had to get on with her day. She got up to get dressed for it.

******

Lexa yawned, stretched and rolled over in her bed to reach for her phone, turning the alarm off. She unlocked it, checking for messages. There was nothing new from Costia. That was unusual. Costia had generally been quiet this past week.

She texted Costia. _G_ _ood morning or good night. :) Haven’t heard from you much this week. Hope everything’s okay_.

She waited. Costia’s response was quick. _All good, babe. Busy shifting the year’s events and timelines, but okay otherwise. Miss you_. _Xoxo_

Lexa typed out a message. _Miss you too. Shall we try FaceTiming tomorrow? You can set the time._

_Tomorrow might not work. Gimme a couple of days. I’ll call you. Love you. Lots._

Lexa put her phone away. They would talk soon, she was sure. She didn’t want to seem too pushy. 

She got up and went to take a shower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Finn. Nothing against the dude, but he's got to grow up.


	13. Come get your honey

Clarke sighed as she got up from her desk and stretched. The countless hours of switching between her desk and the hanging wicker egg chair in the sun room had frozen her back muscles stiff. She never thought she would say this, but she missed her office desk and chair. After this time, she figured things would either go two ways. People would never complain about offices again, or homes would get serious office setup upgrades. Until then though, there were going to be legions of people with cricky necks and aching backs, shuffling around in total discomfort for months, apparently. She’d tried to keep up a regular hiking and yoga routine, but her back really was killing her today. She looked at the time. 5:20 PM. Close enough to call it a day, considering the late nights she’d pulled recently. She decided to take another hot shower; maybe it would ease her muscles out a bit. And since it was her turn to make dinner tonight, she’d be serving up the most delectable Indian takeout she could conjure up with a few taps of her fingers. Lexa wouldn’t mind what she ate, she knew; she’d just be grateful to have dinner ready after she was back from her extra long run. With a few clicks, her order was on the way. _Estimated delivery time: 55 minutes._ Perfect.

Stepping into the shower, she let the hot water cascade onto her. She sighed as she felt her back muscles warm up,and she began rolling her shoulders and massaging her neck, gently. She reached for the shampoo and worked it into her scalp, the pressure easing out the tension trapped in her head for days. Reaching for the soap, she lathered a sponge and began washing herself slowly, enjoying the effect it was having on her body. She missed having someone to touch, and to be touched by. She wondered if she’d made a mistake with her self-imposed moratorium on Finn, but as the sponge travelled lower over her chest, she realized that it wasn’t his hands she was imagining all over her; it was Lexa’s. The thought suddenly had her heart racing. She remembered the feeling of waking up with Lexa’s arms around her, of the heat that had rushed through her when Lexa had pulled her closer, and the electricity when her fingers had accidentally slipped under Clarke’s top, grazing the skin of her stomach. She imagined what it would feel like to have Lexa there with her now, having her push her up against the wall of the shower, feeling Lexa’s breasts pressed up against hers, her lips on her neck. By the time she had finished her shower, she was so wound up, her insides felt like they had been pulled taut; she now had a completely different kind of ache between her legs. She tightened her towel, and reached for the body oil to moisturize, wondering if it was worth waiting until she got to her bedroom to finish herself off.

The bathroom door that led in from Lexa’s bedroom opened, and she walked in, drenched with sweat and flushed from her run, looking down at her phone. Her brow furrowed in confusion as she looked up, clearly taken by surprise to find Clarke in the bathroom at the same time. Clarke looked at her through the mirror, and their eyes locked. Clarke debated walking out the door to the left that led into her bedroom, but instead, she poured a little of the oil onto her hands, setting the bottle down on the counter. She began rubbing the oil onto her arms, working her hands across her chest, her neck and shoulders, moving slowly, deliberately, sensuously, her gaze never leaving Lexa’s.

Lexa’s mouth dropped open. She had meant to apologise and leave quickly, but Clarke had her rooted; she couldn’t have moved if she were dragged away. She watched as Clarke moved her hands in languid circles across herself, slipping one hand inside her towel and over her belly, out of Lexa’s sight. As she reached lower, she bit her lip, and Lexa almost moaned out loud. Her brain had stopped functioning, and with the adrenaline coursing through her, she was ready to push Clarke’s hands away and take over. She felt herself flush as she watched Clarke run her eyes over her body, lingering over the droplets of sweat pooling between her breasts, over her still flexing abs, and tight thighs. Clarke licked her lips, bent slightly at her waist as she brought a leg up to the side of the tub, and began pouring oil over it. Lexa thought her heart would stop. Clarke’s towel had ridden up just enough, but then not nearly enough, and she could see the beginning of the swell of Clarke’s ass under it. This was it; this is how she would die. Right here, in this bathroom, of a sex-starved coronary. Clarke’s eyes were hooded and sensuous and inviting, and Lexa clenched her jaw until her teeth ground together. What the fuck was happening? Did Clarke really want this, want her? She stood there, her chest heaving, her hand gripping the doorknob as if it was the only thing that would keep her anchored to the ground, watching Clarke helplessly, her brain frantically trying to work out what to do next.

The doorbell rang loudly, breaking Clarke’s spell on her. “I’ll get it,” Lexa practically shouted as she turned and ran down the stairs; she had no idea who was even at the door, but she didn’t care. Clarke watched her leave wordlessly, satisfaction settling into her eyes. Not how she had intended to get it, but she had her answer. 

Lexa wanted her just as badly as she wanted Lexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's one way of doing it.


	14. No place for promises here

Clarke stood on the back deck gazing out onto the beach and sipping on her morning coffee. She watched Lexa as she practised the moves of what appeared to be a martial art of some kind, her lithe body moving with graceful dexterity. Clad in black thigh length training shorts and a sports bra, Lexa was spinning a long stick over her head and behind her back, switching it from hand to hand, bending in various side and front poses, until she suddenly came to a crouched stop with the stick in a position poised over her shoulder as if to strike. She looked like a warrior queen ready to inflict the final blow, and Clarke let out a deep sigh. This girl. She wondered if being perpetually turned on was now her default state of existence. 

She hadn’t seen Lexa much after their encounter in the bathroom; Lexa, still seeming flustered, had opted to have dinner in her room, and Clarke hadn’t pushed her anymore. She had seen what she needed to see, and she had said without words what she needed Lexa to know, but she had no idea what to do next. She hoped they could at least talk about what had, and was, happening between them, if Lexa would only stop avoiding her. She finished her coffee, and turned to go back inside. She may not have known what to do with Lexa quite yet, but she had at least made another decision.

*****

Lexa spun the stick above her head, focusing intently on a spot in the distance as she moved it between her right and left hands. She knew Clarke was watching her and that somehow made each of her moves a little more agile, a little surer. She had barely slept a wink, replaying the scene with Clarke in the bathroom over and over in her head all night. Clarke had made her intentions crystal clear yesterday, and truthfully, they completely mirrored her own. She had wanted Clarke since she’d first set eyes on her at the front door all those weeks ago, and that want had gradually risen to a crescendo with every passing minute. Lexa jabbed the air with furious precision. So Clarke had made her intentions known; but what next? What about Finn? What about Costia? She didn’t want them to be the unwitting collateral in this, and if she knew Clarke like she thought she did, neither would she. And what about everything that had happened between the two of them, Clarke and her? At some point, she was going to have to face Clarke, and they were going to have to figure out what was happening between them. She had no clue about what to do; she focused all her internal conflict on her imaginary opponent as she worked up a sweat in practice.

*****

When Lexa returned to the house, she could hear Clarke having an animated conversation with someone in her bedroom. Trying not to be intrusive, she got a glass of water, and headed to her room to take a shower. She stripped and quietly stepped into the bathroom. Just as she was about to turn the shower on, she heard Clarke’s raised voice.

“Finn! Please listen to me. This, all of this, is really hard on us both. There isn’t a precedent for any of this. How are we supposed to know what to do?”

“I don’t care. It’s pretty simple to me, Clarke. It’s obvious you’re freaking out about us because we’re not seeing each other as much. Move in with me; we’ll figure this out; I know we’re going to be fine.”

“That’s not the point; I don’t think moving in together is going to solve anything. I’m just….struggling, Finn. And I know you are, too. We need to be kinder to ourselves.”

“The only thing I’m struggling with is why my girlfriend, who I love and who loves me, wants to take a break from our relationship in the middle of a fucking global pandemic.” Finn paused. “You _do_ love me, don’t you?”

Oh no, no, no. She shouldn’t be listening to this conversation; Lexa made a move to get out of the shower, but stopped herself; if she made the slightest noise, it would alert Clarke, and that was the last thing she wanted. Quietly, she perched naked on the edge of the tub, her head cupped in one hand. She was just going to have to wait it out.

Clarke hadn’t said a word in response to Finn’s question. Her eyes glistening, she looked away, biting her lip. 

“Clarke, you can’t be serious! This is us, you and me. We’re in love; we’re in this for the long haul.”

Clarke looked at Finn’s confused face on her phone. “Finn, you’re in love. I….I never said I was.” Tears were streaming down her cheeks now.

“Wait, what? What are you talking about? I told you I loved you, and….”

“I’ve never said it back, Finn.” 

“Yeah, you...you never said it back. But I just assumed that you meant it, too.”

“Finn, who does that? Who _assumes_ someone is in love with them?” Clarke’s voice broke. She put her head in her hands. “I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry. But I think if I’m being honest with myself, we haven’t been working, for me, for a long time. I just...I need time to sort myself out.”

“And you pick the middle of a lockdown to do it. Perfect timing, Clarke.”

Clarke ran a hand through her hair. “I don’t know what else to do. It’s not fair to you, and I don’t want to hurt you anymore than I already have. This is an impossible situation.”

“Too late.” Finn spat out. “Fuck you, Clarke. I hope you’re happy.”

“You know I’m not. I’m trying to do the right thing, even though you can’t see it that way right now.”

“Whatever. So what is this? An official COVID breakup?”

Clarke paused. She knew it wasn’t going to ever work out between them. But maybe she had inflicted enough damage on Finn for now. She was worried about how he would cope, “Let’s call it a break. I have a lot of thinking to do, and I think you’ll find you do, too….”

“Don’t tell me what to do, Clarke.” Finn snapped at her.

She let that slide. “.....Okay. But maybe we can meet up and figure out where we’re at after the quarantine.” She hesitated. “I’m still your... friend, Finn. If you need to talk, I’m here, as crazy as that sounds.”

“No you’re not. Friends don’t hurt each other like this. I don’t want to talk to you, I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. I’m done.“

“Finn….”

“I have to go.” He hung up, unceremoniously.

Clarke sighed, and wiped the tears off her face. _Don’t they?_ She knew from experience that friends cut each other the deepest. She would respect Finn’s decision, but she knew he was causing more damage to himself in the long run by acting like this. But there was nothing she else could do for now. 

She turned to her laptop, and sent a quick email to HR; she was calling in sick. There was no way she could focus on work today. She grabbed a jacket and her keys, and went down to the kitchen. She looked through the fridge and cupboards, and packed herself some bread, cheese, water and some chips in a bag. Lexa was nowhere to be found; she figured she wasn’t back from her workout yet. She quickly scribbled a note for Lexa that she would be back by the evening, and walked to her car. She needed to clear her mind; a long drive was exactly what would help.

Lexa heard Clarke rummaging through the kitchen, and then she heard the front door shutting. The house was suddenly completely silent. She puffed out her cheeks and let out a long breath. Holy hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little more patience, crew, and thank you for your trust.
> 
> Or, come yell at me in the comments, if you need to. :)


	15. Go on and shine a little crazy on me

“Bye, everyone! Don’t forget, I’m going to ask you why the Sun is so important to the Earth tomorrow. Be ready with your answers. It’s a quiz!” Lexa smiled and waved back at the gaggle of snaggle-toothed faces on her screen as she turned off her camera and signed out of her ClassDojo account. Phew. Her last lesson for the day was done. She had been going non-stop since 9 o’clock in the morning. She looked at the time, and pursed her lips. Clarke wasn’t back yet; she was worried about her, but decided against texting her quite yet. She was probably still sorting her thoughts out; Lexa decided she would get dinner ready, and if Clarke still wasn’t back by then, she would reach out. She stretched, and walked down to the kitchen. She looked through the fridge and the spice cupboard, mulling over recipe possibilities until inspiration struck her. Grabbing the tofu, eggplant and bell pepper, she rinsed them and began chopping them up. For her part, she hadn’t had a chance to think about anything that had happened between Clarke and Finn. She knew she shouldn’t have overheard that conversation, but there was nothing to do about it now. When Clarke returned, how was she supposed to act? Should she be honest with her, or feign surprise if Clarke decided to tell her? And why had Clarke broken up with Finn so suddenly? If she’d had been that unhappy, she’d shown no indication of it to Lexa. Or was it something else, something to do with _her_? That last thought suddenly had Lexa’s heart racing; in between the last night and this morning, she was now even more flummoxed about what was going on. She needed to talk to Clarke; she needed some kind of an answer. 

Just as she finished up the green curry that she’d thrown together, her phone flashed: _Incoming FaceTime call._ It was Costia. She turned the stove off, and covered the pot. “Hey, Cos! I was wondering when I’d hear from you.” Grabbing her beer, she made her way to the back deck, rested the phone against the conch shell on the coffee table, and sat back comfortably in the love seat.

Costia’s face appeared on screen. It was just after sunrise in Goa, Lexa could tell by the orangey-pink glow infusing the screen. Costia was sitting in the garden of the small bungalow she lived in. Lexa knew the exact spot intimately; they had crashed on that very wicker sofa countless times after yet another all-night party at Costia’s bar, or on the beach next door. Costia sat cross-legged on it now, a steaming cup of what Lexa guessed was her morning _chai_ in her hand. As she took a sip and waved at Lexa, the sudden, loud screeching of parrots broke through the phone. Lexa felt a wave of longing overcome her. She missed Goa; it really was a whole other way of living. Simpler times.

Costia smiled. She looked tired. “Hi, baby. Watcha doin’?”

Lexa smiled back at her. “Just made dinner. That green curry you like.”

“Nice. I miss your cooking. I’ve been starving over here.”

Lexa reached over and turned the volume on her phone all the way up, to hear Costia over the gentle sounds of the waves before her. “Impossible. You know you’re a better cook than me.” Lexa took a sip of her beer. “What have you been up to?”

“Oh, you know, this and that.” Costia rubbed her face. “Festival season has completely gone bust, so we’re moving everything till next year, or online. Lots of live streams happening, should send you some to check out….” she trailed off, looking into her mug.

Lexa frowned. “Cos, what’s up?”

Costia looked up and into the distance, a faraway look in her eyes. In the light of her dawn, they were radiant.

“I fucked Dev.” she blurted out.

Lexa wasn’t sure she had heard that right. She sat bolt upright in her seat. “You...what?” 

“I had sex with Dev. And someone else.” Costia was fidgeting with the rim of her mug now.

Lexa pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to compose herself. “Dev? Dev, the bong blower?”

Costia looked over at her. “Glass maker. You liked his work.”

“Costia. Who else?”

“You don’t know her.”

Lexa stared at her, completely gobsmacked. The image of the selfie Costia had sent her flashed through her mind. “ _Why?_ ”

Clarke opened the front door, taking her shoes off and padding into the house in her socks. Something smelt incredible. Lexa was such a good cook; she couldn’t wait to try tonight’s mouthwatering dish. She felt much better after her day away. She’d started out on her drive, but then realized she wasn’t technically supposed to be driving around without an “essential” reason. So she’d tried her luck down by the old power plant on the outskirts of town, and had spent the day in solitude, sketching, walking, thinking among its ruins. It had given her time to organize her thoughts, to sort through her feelings around Finn, and to begin the process of letting him go without acrimony. It had also given her plenty of time to think about Lexa, and she thought she knew what she was going to say to her. Where was Lexa, anyway? She heard voices on the back deck, and walked towards it. As she neared it, she stopped. Lexa was having a fight with someone she could only assume was Costia.

“You know why, Lexa. I’m bored, and sad, and horny. I can’t have the person I want because she’s like ten thousand miles away, in the middle of a pandemic.”

“Don’t put this on me, Costia. You missed me, so you fucked someone else? Two other people?”

Costia put a hand against her forehead. “Lexa, it was just sex. You know that. I love _you_ ; there’s no one else.” Lexa said nothing. “Which is why I wanted to ask you something.”

Lexa scowled at her. “What now?”

Costia hesitated. “Can we….can we open up our relationship?”

Lexa’s eyebrows shot up. “What? Are you kidding me? You ask me that after the fact? No!”

Costia frowned. “Lexa, I’m being upfront with you. What are we supposed to do? We’re two human beings with perfectly normal sexual needs, stuck a world away from each other, _indefinitely._ What are we supposed to do for sex?”

“Well, at least one of us can keep it in our pants.”

Costia threw her hands up in frustration. “Oh come on, Lexa. You know as well as I do that you don’t really mind the idea as much as you think you do right now.” She paused. “Do I need to remind you that it was _you_ who refused to commit for our first four years?”

Lexa looked away. Costia had a point. She had nothing against the idea of an open relationship in principle. And they had been non-exclusive for the majority of their time together. Costia did have the upper hand right now. She sighed. “What do you want?”

Costia looked relieved. “Just for you to be okay if I continue to hook up with Dev and this new woman who’s staying at the hostel. She got here right before the quarantine.” Costia waved one arm around, dismissively. “There’s no one else here anyway. We’re just trying to help each other get through this mess. And, there are no feelings, nada, zilch, between me and either of them. I swear. That’s only for you, baby.” Lexa looked at her, still trying to process what was happening.

Costia continued. “And by the way, that goes both ways.”

Lexa frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, you can do the same as me.”

“What do you mean? I have no one around me but…” 

Lexa’s eyes went wide with realization, the minute Costia said it out loud.“....Clarke. She sounds hot from what I’ve heard.” Costia grinned cheekily. “I’m sure she’d oblige. I mean, look at you.” 

Clarke, who was turning to go back upstairs, stopped short in her tracks. _Holy fuck_. _Holy flying fuck_. What had she just heard?

Lexa used her last ounce of willpower to keep a straight face. Costia had no idea what she was saying. She took in a long, slow breath, before letting it out. She was drowning. “Costia, I’ve got to go; I need some space. I….we’ll talk soon.” She paused. “But, do what you need to.”

“This is why I love you so much, and you’ll never have to worry, you dream woman. Let’s check in, in a couple of days, okay? I wanna know we’re still on the same page.” She blew Lexa a kiss, and hung up, still grinning cheerily.

Lexa stood up shakily, her legs like jelly. The world was spinning, and her heart was thundering. She slid open the screen to the French window, stepped into the kitchen and stopped dead. Clarke was just standing there, looking at her in shock.

 _Of course._ “How much of that did you hear?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Costia, my favourite toofan (typhoon). Told you she was wild.
> 
> Come, let us discuss.


	16. Open season

Clarke stared at Lexa, not registering for a few seconds that she had just asked her a question. Lexa was expecting a response, she realized finally. “Uhh, the last part, where, uhh, you and Costia...I mean, it wasn’t much, I don’t think.” She paused to try and stop tripping over her words. “I’m sorry Lexa, I didn’t know, I was on my way back up….”

Lexa held one hand up. “No, no, it’s okay, Clarke. It’s okay.” She hesitated. “I overheard you and Finn this morning, too. I was about to take a shower.”

“Oh.” Clarke blushed. “Wow. Okay.”

They stood there looking at each other, wondering what the other was thinking at that moment.

Lexa was the first to break the awkward silence. “Are you hungry?”

Clarke nodded. “Starving, actually.” 

Lexa led the way into the kitchen. They served themselves from the pot, and sat down at the table, eating the first few bites in silence. Finally, Clarke looked up. “This is delicious, Lexa, thanks.” She paused. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Lexa cleared her throat. She was still feeling dazed. “Well, I’m not sure what to say. Costia really threw me a curve ball.”

Clarke watched her carefully, taking a sip of water, letting her continue.

Lexa rubbed her eyes, tiredly. “And the weird thing is, I kind of get where she’s coming from. This is such a mess.”

Clarke put her fork down. She was going to have to be delicate about this “Yeah, but Lex, if you don’t mind me saying so, the fact that she wasn’t upfront with you kind of means that she...cheated first, and then asked you the question later.”

Lexa winced. That hurt. She nodded. “I feel like such a fool.” She looked down at her plate for a few moments. “I feel like I hurt her when I didn’t commit to her for a while, and it’s almost like karma or something.”

Clarke reached out and held her hand, ignoring the fluttering in her stomach when they touched. “None of this is on you, Lex. She made a conscious decision to do this. You shouldn’t be the one left out in the cold.” Four years was a long time to be undecided though. She wondered why, but decided to keep that thought to herself for now.

Lexa looked straight into her eyes, suddenly, intensely. “I’m not.”

Clarke inhaled sharply, feeling a sudden shiver run down her spine. Okay, they were doing this. They were going to talk about last night.

But then Lexa dropped her head into her hands. “God, I’m so all over the place right now.” She let out a big sigh and looked at Clarke.”What about you? How are you doing?”

Clarke shook her head. The moment had passed. She was strangely relieved; everything had been too much today. “Same. It was rough, doing that to Finn. But I couldn’t go on.”

Lexa nodded. Why not? Was it because of me, she wanted to know, but now wasn’t the time to ask. 

Clarke continued. “We’re just at two different phases in life, I guess. I hope he understands that some day.” She didn’t offer anything else, and they both lapsed into silence as they ate, stealing glances at each other every few minutes.

Finally, Lexa pushed her plate away. She was going to do it. She was going to ask Clarke about last night, and what all of it meant now. “Clarke, I….”

Clarke’s phone rang, loudly. “It’s my mom.” She hesitated, but Lexa nodded at her to pick it up. “Sorry, Lex, I’ll be right back.” She walked upstairs and shut the door.

Lexa sighed. This day had been way too long. She was so ready for it to be over. Putting the dishes away, she cleared up the kitchen. Clarke wasn’t back yet; she had a headache, and felt nauseous from all the pent up tension. Come to think of it, she was in no mood to talk right now. She went upstairs to her room; she could hear Clarke telling Abby about Finn; she shut her door. She took off her jeans and bra, and slipped under the covers in her t-shirt and panties. Turning off the light, she lay in the dark, staring at the ceiling, imagining her thoughts like shoals of fish swimming in the swirling ocean currents. Life was so fucking strange, and she was so lost in it most of the time. She was so very tired, but sleep wasn’t going to come easy tonight. 

Clarke finished talking to Abby, and went back downstairs. Lexa was nowhere to be found; she guessed she had gone up to her room. She sighed. What a difficult day it had been. And they still hadn’t addressed the giant elephant stomping about the room, swinging its trunk and trumpeting at them both. Suddenly exhausted, she decided to turn in early, too. Life needed to cut her a break tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Send them both hugs. It's been a rough day.


	17. It takes two

Lexa opened her eyes and stretched, looking up at the sunlight filtering in. From its angle, she knew that it must be later in the day; she checked her phone. 3:17 PM. Wow, she’d really needed the rest; it had been dawn when she had finally fallen asleep. But, she’d made it through this mind fuck of a week; that deserved an award in itself. She raised her arms up and cradled her head in her hands. She knew she wouldn't be ready to talk to Costia for a while yet. She knew Costia well enough to know that she wasn’t acting from a place of malice, but her display of selfishness was still hard to swallow. She knew they would sort it out, eventually; they knew each other far too well for anything otherwise, but this was still a ridiculous situation. For her part, Lexa was done moping; life had taught her there wasn’t any time for it; she had better things to do. Costia might be halfway around the world, but Clarke, Clarke was right here. And she was tired of their attempts to talk; it had been an awkward tip-toe around each other to this point, and it wasn’t getting them anywhere, but they did have stuff to figure out. She felt a sudden surge of determination. Throwing the covers off, she headed to freshen up.

*****

Clarke yawned, turning the page of her book; she was lying on the couch in the solarium, which was bathed in the warm glow of cozy afternoon sunshine. Gryffin, who had decided to stay in for the day, lay stretched out on her stomach, purring loudly. She scratched his ears absentmindedly, a feeling of contentment settling over her; this little guy always knew when she needed him the most. He’d followed her home from a trail hike one day, right about the time her dad had died; she’d fed him, expecting him to leave once he was satisfied. But, he’d climbed right into her lap and fallen asleep there, and in spite of his days-long escapades outdoors, he had never stopped coming back. Clarke was grateful for him; everyone needed a caretaker cat in their lives. 

Trying not to disturb him, she grabbed her phone from the table with the tips of her fingers. It was almost 3:15 in the afternoon. Was Lexa still asleep? Clarke herself hadn’t woken up till almost noon, so she could relate; what a shit show yesterday had been. Her thoughts drifted back to Costia’s comment, and she could feel her face flushing. Would Lexa take her up on that? Just then, she heard her bound down the stairs, and go into the kitchen.

“Busy Caturday?” Lexa walked into the sun room a few minutes later, chewing down a banana. She was dressed to go running. 

“Morning, sleepyhead. Yeah, you know it; bonding with my bestie.” Gryffin stretched and yawned, before jumping off and running into the kitchen for a snack. “Or something. How are you?” 

Lexa shrugged. “Better, I guess. Sleep might not solve all my problems, but it definitely makes some things crystal clear.” She eyed Clarke for a moment. “Are you doing anything this evening?”

Clarke pretended to scroll through her phone, holding up one finger. “Let me just check my schedule….” Lexa laughed. “Looks like I might be able to squeeze you in.” Clarke looked up grinning. She’d missed hearing that sound. 

“Well, so there’s this dance instructor who streams live sessions from his home studio. They’re usually quite silly and fun. Sometimes he’ll do like a surprise guest to teach specific forms of dance and stuff.” Lexa looked at her hopefully. “Do you want to check it out?”

Clarke smiled. Okay, Lexa did seem more relaxed. And she was right, she could dance off yesterday. “I’m in. When and where?” 

“My room? I’ll set up the stream. 9PM, so we can eat a little earlier.” Lexa turned towards the front door. “Oh, and dress to impress. By which I mean your best workout sweats.”

Clarke raised an eyebrow, a mischievous look in her eyes. “Noted.” 

Lexa smiled to herself as she walked out. This was going to be fun.

*****

Clarke walked into Lexa’s room at about five minutes to nine. Lexa was fiddling with her laptop stand to raise it to standing eye level. She’d also connected her bluetooth speaker, and a catchy electropop beat filled the air. “Sweet setup.” The screen flashed a countdown, interspersed with _Dance Party with Myron Stuffington_. Oh, this guy. Clarke had heard of him; he was known for energetic, upbeat choreography and fun dance parties. She turned, and saw Lexa eyeing her outfit. She felt her eyes travel up over her tights, taking in the sides of her legs all the way up to her hips through the mesh panelling, lingering over the curve of her ass for a couple of seconds, and over her cross fronted sports bra; she knew she looked good. Lexa’s eyes met hers with _that_ half-smile; this time, unlike every other time, she didn’t look away; Clarke bit her lip and swallowed.

_All right everyone, thanks for joining us on this bangin’ Saturday night! Are you ready for a fun and sweaty dance party? Let’s do this!_

Myron’s face panned out to him cutting into a simple two-step dance sequence, complete with a high jump and exaggerated hand movements. Lexa was right; this was going to be fun. Before they knew it, they were giggling out loud, poking fun at each other’s missteps and trying to keep up. Clarke was the first to recover; she’d always been a good dancer; it took her a couple of attempts and she had the moves down pat. She looked over at Lexa starting off on the wrong foot again, and yet somehow managing to stumble along to the music quite gracefully. “Lex! Wrong foot, no, turn the other way!”

By the time the song was over, they were flushed and panting, and giddy from the burst of activity.

 _All right folks, we’ve got something special planned for you tonight. If you’ve got a dance partner, this one is going to be extra extra, if you know what I mean. For the rest of you, follow along by yourself. I promise this will be worth it. And now, presenting my special guests tonight,_ _João_ _and Ana, who will be teaching us the kizomba!”_

Lexa’s eyebrows shot up. Whoa. She’d seen a few performances of it when she’d visited Angola after her Peace Corps assignment. Umm.

Clarke, noticing her expression, turned to her. “Do you know it, Lex?”

Before Lexa could answer, Myron’s voice wafted through the speakers. _It’s fast gaining a reputation as one of the sexiest and most sensual dances out there, folks. Are you ready to make this Saturday night a little steamier?_

Clarke looked at Lexa, who shrugged cheekily as she held her hand out. She took it, reaching for Lexa’s other hand and placing it on her hip. Where words had failed them, maybe dance would help out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Talk is cheap sometimes. Also, you may want to come back tomorrow. :)


	18. Assombração

The screen switched to the two dance instructors, standing facing each other about 6 inches apart. Myron had switched to narration. _Alright folks, the first thing in kizomba is choosing the roles of the partners. Typically, but not always, the taller person is the leader, the one who balances the weight of the other partner on the dance floor. Pick yours now._ On screen, João put his hand up, and flexed his biceps. Ana poked him in the ribs, and he curved in on himself, giggling.

Clarke looked at Lexa, one eyebrow raised. “Want to lead me?” Lexa’s smirk grew wider, her eyes sparkling. She nodded slowly, _yes._

 _Next, the follower. Don’t be fooled, like in all things in life, the follower is actually the one to watch. If you’re the follower, your role is to submit to the leader, but only so much as it frees your own inhibitions._ It was Ana’s turn to raise her hand; she winked and curtsied.

Lexa turned to Clarke. “Submission, eh?” For a second, a flash in her eyes deepened the golden flecks in them. It was gone just as suddenly, but not before it took Clarke’s breath away. Huh. She recovered quickly. “Don’t fool yourself, Woods. Submission _is_ dominance.” She turned around in a circle, watching with satisfaction as Lexa took in her body hungrily. 

_Okay, so now we’re going to focus on the basic steps. Face your partner, and start with a simple one-two side step. Then repeat it forward and back._ _Do this first by yourselves, and then together._ João and Ana slipped into a seamless series of repetitive movements.

Clarke started on her right foot; Lexa did too. “Lex, no, you start on your left, so we’re moving in the same direction. See?” She reached for Lexa’s hand, wrapping it around her waist, and guiding the other one up until their hands were mid-air. The movement suddenly brought them within inches of each other. Lexa looked down at Clarke’s feet, trying to focus. After a few moments, they were in sync, moving sideways and back and forth, fluidly. 

_Now, this one’s for the followers. We’re going to focus on getting that classic kizomba hip movement; you know, that swing and flow. Put your legs hip width apart, and slowly bend your knees a little and come back up, and don’t stop this motion. The key is continuous, controlled movement. Don’t forget to raise your tailbone at that last bit; it’s a super slow pop you’re going for_.

Clarke had her eyes trained on Ana, as she tried to mimic the slow, sensuous roll of her hips that began as a wave at the tops of her thighs, and ended with a cresting in her belly and a tremor all the way up her behind, ending abruptly just below her lower back. She tried the motion a few more times, holding her torso still as she was instructed to do, until her pelvis practically flowed with the seductive beat of the music. 

_Leaders, watch your partners here; this is the motion you’ll need to balance out on the dance floor. Followers, if you’re doing this right, you should feel that energy rise through you right about now._

The undulating motion was creating ripples throughout Clarke’s groin and she waited to feel the energy that Myron was talking about. Oh. Shit. It shot through her like a jolt; she was suddenly very, very turned on; the rolling of her hips was now an all too familiar motion. She looked over at Lexa, wondering if she had noticed anything. Lexa’s eyes were blown wide as she watched Clarke, and her mouth hung slightly open. This, seeing Clarke transform her body in fluid, serpentine ways was one of the hottest things she’d ever witnessed. Watching Clarke, she saw the exact moment when her eyes registered the electricity coursing through her body. Lexa was mesmerised; Clarke wasn’t just sexy, in that moment she _was_ sex.

_Okay, now, for the final part, what’s probably the most important, and most intimate part of the dance, and what gives it its reputation; we’re going to work on forming that soulful “kizz connection.” Stand facing your partners, folks, leaving about six inches space between you._

Clarke and Lexa faced each other, looking at the screen for more direction. João and Ana were readying themselves for the next pose, looking at each other steadily. _Okay, now followers, step into the leader's space, like get really close up until you’re almost eye to eye, if your heights allow it._

Clarke stepped in, her heart racing. Lexa wasn’t much taller than her, barely an inch. Their eyes met, and Lexa’s had deepened as a forest in the twilight. Her pupils were so wide, they’d almost taken over entirely; Clarke felt herself tremble slightly; Lexa swallowed visibly, licking her plump, parted lips.

_Okay, now followers, you’re close, but get closer. Lean your chest forward, so that it’s touching your partner’s. If you can, touch your stomachs together, too. Ideally, you want to feel your partner all the way up from your belly to your chest. If you’re doing this part right, trust me you’ll know, haha._

Lexa nearly fainted as she felt Clarke’s breasts against hers. They were much bigger than hers, and they rested against hers with a light pressure; even though they were separated by a couple of layers of clothing, Lexa could feel _all_ of them. She shifted slightly; the movement caused Clarke’s nipples to brush against hers. Oh. They were erect. Judging by the look in Clarke’s eyes, she had felt the friction, too.

 _Alright folks; time to feel this beautiful beat. Remember, your body will know what to do, just take it slow, and use each other._ The music turned up. The heady, low beat filled the room. Clarke began slowly rotating her hips in time to it, while gently urging Lexa to move along by pushing her thighs up against hers. They began a slow, pulsing movement across the room, Lexa leading and supporting, Clarke following and swaying to the rhythm. They began to feel the combined motion spreading across to each other, their shared connection flowing like currents of lightning between their torsos. Clarke had never experienced anything like it; the only place they weren’t touching was below their hips, and that was the spot where _all_ the feeling was concentrated. She was panting now; and she wasn’t sure how much more of this she’d be able to take.

 _And one final thing, folks. To complete that kizz connection, lean in slightly and touch your forehead to your partner’s. With that, it’s Ana,_ _João_ _and me signing off; enjoy your evening._ It was just them and the music now. Lexa leaned in and touched her forehead to Clarke’s. The feeling of having Clarke this close to her was making her lightheaded. Clarke was sweating slightly, and she could smell the musky undertone to her perfume. She slipped her hands around Clarke’s waist, sliding her hands lower, and cupping Clarke’s ass. Her senses were overwhelmed by everything Clarke; she didn’t have a single thought in her head. Looking into Clarke’s eyes, she could tell she was feeling the same. Lexa couldn’t stand it anymore. She pulled Clarke’s hips into her, and the minute she felt them against hers, she leaned in and connected their lips in a harsh, desperate kiss.

Clarke threw her arms around Lexa, pulling her closer, immediately deepening the kiss, their tongues fighting for entry into each other’s mouths. Finally, they broke apart, flushed and panting, as they stared at each other. Without looking at it, Lexa slammed down the lid of her laptop; the room went quiet, charged only by the sound of their breathing. Without a word, Clarke backed onto the bed, pulling Lexa on top of her, as their lips met in another wild, bruising kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ..... 🙃


	19. Everything goes wow

Clarke ran her hands over Lexa’s back, feeling the muscles tighten under her touch, as she pulled Lexa closer, kissing her with a furious intensity, her tongue deep inside Lexa’s mouth, licking, pulling, demanding. She needed more. She tugged upwards at Lexa’s bra, willing her to take it off. Lexa broke off the kiss, her eyes feverish, and ripped off her bra and flung it in a corner in one swift motion. Clarke reached her hands upwards towards Lexa’s breasts, but Lexa pushed them away. “Your turn. Take yours off.” she grinned, licking her lips. Clarke sat up, leaning back on her hands. “Make me.” Lexa lunged forward, snaking her tongue across the tops of Clarke’s breasts, up along the side of her neck, stopping only to suck on her pulse point. All the while, her thumbs rubbed gentle circles against Clarke’s nipples through the fabric of the bra. Clarke was panting, mouth open, eyes closed, her head thrown back, pushing her chest higher. “Lexa, off. Take...fucking thing...off.”

Lexa looked at her with a self-satisfied smirk; that had been easy. Clarke, raising her hands above her head, caught her expression as Lexa pulled her bra off. She would see about that. Sitting up, she put her arms around Lexa, until they were both chest to chest like they had been a few minutes before, this time without anything in between them. She began rubbing her nipples against Lexa’s, their erect tips grazing together slowly, purposefully; Lexa groaned, pushing her breasts further into Clarke’s. She was so fucking wet, it was getting uncomfortable, but this sensation felt so damn good. Clarke watched her, her expression softening at the sheer honest lust reflected on Lexa’s face in that moment; Lexa’s natural guardedness was so hard to get past, but what a gift it was when you did. Clarke was transported back to a night ten years ago, when Lexa had looked at her with a similar vulnerability, and it had split her heart open. No, she wasn’t going there, it was too much. For now, they were here again, and for now, this was enough. 

Clarke put a hand against Lexa’s shoulder, and gently pushed her back down into the mattress. She leaned in and kissed her fervently, resting her forehead against Lexa’s for a moment. Sitting up, she reached for Lexa’s shorts, looking at Lexa questioningly. Lexa, eyes glazed over, nodded wordlessly. Clarke began peeling them off, taking Lexa’s panties along. Lexa raised her hips to help, and Clarke caught a whiff of her scent; divine. Throwing the clothes over her shoulder, she reached down and took the rest of her own off. Running her hands up Lexa’s long, smooth legs, she felt Lexa shiver under her touch. Reaching under, she cupped Lexa’s ass, and buried her nose in the dark curls between Lexa’s legs, inhaling deeply. Lexa smelled like a forest after rain; lush, moist and overflowing with sweetness and life. It was a scent Clarke knew she would never, ever tire of. She stole a look at Lexa’s face; her eyes were closed, she was biting her lower lip, and she had begun to slowly roll her hips in anticipation. Clarke swallowed the lump in her throat, and dipped her head forward, using her tongue to push through the curls until she found her target. Lexa moaned. Clarke set up a deliberate, earnest rhythm, stroking Lexa’s slit over and over with her tongue, occasionally stopping to press a little harder into it; she could tell by the break in Lexa’s moans that it was driving her wild. Lexa had covered her eyes with the palms of her hands, and she was lost in her own world, shudders coursing through her entire body. Clarke was soaking wet just from watching, and feeling Lexa tremble against her mouth.

Suddenly, Lexa raised herself on her elbows, and reached down to touch Clarke’s head gently. Clarke looked up, slightly startled. She had lost herself in Lexa, and in the sensations in her own body. “Close. I’m close. But, not yet.” Clarke raised herself, meeting Lexa halfway in a kiss. Lexa parted her lips, and pushed her tongue in, moaning. She could taste herself in Clarke’s mouth mingled with Clarke’s own taste; it was driving her wild. She raised her hand to the back of Clarke’s head holding it closer and pushing her tongue deeper. Clarke grunted, and bit down hard on Lexa’s bottom lip. She broke the kiss, only to swipe her tongue against the little cut she’d made. “Come here.” Lexa guided her closer, lying back down. Clarke looked at her quizzically, not sure what to do. “Here.” Lexa raised two fingers and tapped them against her lips. Oh. Oh shit. Clarke felt a jolt hit her clit as she understood what Lexa was saying. She carefully straddled Lexa’s head, making sure she didn’t trap any of Lexa’s hair under her knees, and began to lower herself. Lexa dug her fingers into Clarke’s ample hips, and guided Clarke’s pussy onto her mouth. Mmmm. The second her tongue tasted Clarke’s fruity, full flavour, Lexa thought of warmth and sunshine, of the air glowing with a burnt yellow shimmer, and of ripe heat engulfing her. Clarke tasted like a summer’s day; how was that even possible? She thrust her tongue deeper into Clarke, wanting more of it; above her, Clarke jerked hard and cried out, her left hand slamming against the headboard for support, her hips struggling to keep up the pace Lexa had created for them, her right hand clenching the fingers of Lexa’s left hand harder. Lexa’s tongue was deep inside her, and she could feel it stroking her over and over, until she could feel her orgasm building like a river reaching its breaking point behind a dam. She was so close, so close; Lexa was a magician with her tongue. But not like this. 

With what felt like the effort to move the earth off its axis, Clarke squeezed Lexa’s hand gently, and raised herself off Lexa’s face. Lexa looked startled; Clarke reached down and kissed her deeply. “Together.” She used her right knee to part Lexa’s thighs once more, straddling her right leg. Lexa understood, and half sat up, her tight abs in full display in the soft light. Clarke gently raked her hand over them, tracing a straight line lower until her hand was resting against Lexa’s clit once again. Lexa, sitting up further reached her right hand between Clarke’s legs. She pulled Clarke towards her, taking her lips in a fervent, open-mouthed kiss, and, just as she pushed her tongue into Clarke’s mouth, Lexa entered her deep with two fingers in one smooth motion. Clarke’s cry was muffled, but a second later, Lexa felt Clarke push two fingers inside her in turn, and she was on fire. They quickly fell in sync with each other, each one’s hips bucking faster and faster against the other’s fingers, until the air was filled with a steady chorus of Lexa’s gasps and moans, and Clarke’s cries. Clarke felt the sharp wave of her orgasm rising inside her, and she crashed her lips into Lexa’s; she broke off the kiss as she came harder than she could ever remember, resting her forehead against Lexa’s, panting into her mouth, looking deep into her eyes. Lexa felt Clarke gushing against her hand, and a split second later, she was riding out one of the most intense orgasms of her life. She looked deep into Clarke’s eyes, and in that moment, there was nothing else. They collapsed side by side on the bed, chests heaving, droplets of sweat pooling between their breasts and in between their thighs, staring at each other, the truth plain for each one to see in the other’s eyes. This wasn’t going to be the last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....


	20. Time's gone inside out

Clarke sighed, turning and snuggling into Lexa as she felt her breathing even out. She rested her head on Lexa’s chest, listening to her heartbeat gradually work itself back down to normal. She wrapped her arm around Lexa’s waist, and raised her face to smell her scent at the base of her neck. That had been, frankly, one of the most intense sexual experiences she’d had in a long, long time. She smiled beatifically; it was so good to have Lexa here with her. Lexa raked her nails against Clarke’s side gently, sending light shivers through her. Right now, she couldn’t think of anywhere else she would rather be. The thought brought a sudden warmth in her chest; this was it, wasn’t it? This was the side of Lexa she had never gotten over, the side she had never stopped craving, and probably never would. She wasn’t really surprised by her realization; it was just something that she’d known all along, and the only unexpected thing about it was that it had taken her this long to admit it to herself. Her fingertips traced out the patterns the thoughts were drawing in her mind on Lexa’s stomach; memories of the last time she had lain like this with Lexa, skin to skin and without any inhibitions swelled to the surface of her consciousness, and she felt a pang of the intensity of her emotions in that moment even now. She had been so young, so ready, and so hung up on Lexa. She smiled sadly thinking of her twenty-one year old self; if she could have, she would have reached back into the past and held her younger self close, shielding her from what was to come next; or if she couldn’t have stopped it, she would have at least warned her that it was going to hurt. A lot. For a very long time. And all the feelings, the pain and the sadness, would serve as a reminder of what could, or would happen if she let Lexa in like that again, even as they sat side by side with the hope that maybe next time, things would be different. She buried her face in Lexa’s neck, suddenly unsure. What had she done? Was this just a repeat of the last time? How could it not be? For all intents and purposes, Lexa still had a girlfriend, and she had just slept with Clarke with that girlfriend’s permission. She had heard them herself; it was a temporary arrangement, purely for sex alone; Lexa had given her no indication it was going to be anything more than that. Clarke slowly raised herself to look into Lexa’s eyes. Lexa smiled back at her, shyly. Clarke pushed away the wave of affection rising in her chest; she tried not to find it adorable that Lexa was feeling bashful after the things she had just done to Clarke, and what she had let Clarke do to her. No, this was a simple arrangement; this time, Clarke wouldn’t be fooled by it. Running a finger across Lexa’s face, she leaned in for a slow, sultry kiss. It certainly wasn’t going to be the last time they did this.

*****

Lexa sighed, raising one arm behind to cradle her head as she tried to catch her breath. Beside her, Clarke shifted closer, and Lexa instinctively held her left arm out to hold her. Clarke nestled into her, her nose seeking out Lexa’s still hammering pulse point. She inhaled, planting a soft kiss there, and then put her head on Lexa’s chest. Lexa about melted at the sweet gesture; she ran her nails softly over Clarke’s side even as she was lost in her thoughts, feeling Clarke tremble gently under her touch. Clarke. Clarke. It was always about Clarke, wasn’t it? Lexa had been drawn to her from the day she had first set eyes on her, and their friendship, and the intensity behind it, had only grown as they had gotten to know each other better. Lexa recalled the feeling when she’d first realized that she would have gone into battle with no chance of ever returning in return for a smile from Clarke; as she lay with Clarke in her arms, it hit her that she would do that without hesitation even now. But, that hadn’t been how it had worked out, had it? The last time she’d held Clarke like this, she had been so scared, so hopeful, and so crazy about her. And look where that led her; a decade later, here she was, having run around in a giant circle that took her halfway around the world, to start back up in the exact same place where it had all begun. Except, what _was_ happening between them? Did Clarke just see this as a simple physical arrangement, a happy convenience to see quarantine through with, someone to have fantastic sex with, no strings attached? Lexa knew this would happen again; there was no doubt in her mind about that; their chemistry was electric. But what then? Would she be left out by herself again? Had Clarke forgotten about what had happened the last time? And what about Costia, who had made it clear this was a temporary arrangement to tide them over until they could get back to each other? Costia had fucked up, it was true, and she had to answer for that, but wouldn’t Lexa be untrue to their arrangement if it wasn’t just a physical thing with Clarke anymore? And how did she know that Clarke would want anything more anyway? Lexa realized that as usual, when it came to Clarke, she was a giant mess, completely at her mercy, as she was, as she had been, and as she would probably always be. She sighed, losing herself in Clarke’s blue eyes, brilliant with things she couldn’t read fully, as Clarke leaned in and kissed her softly, gently.

“Mmmm. I’m going to sleep so well tonight.” Clarke pulled away, cupping the side of Lexa’s face. 

“Me too. Wow. That was, you were, indescribable.” Lexa smiled back at her, suddenly feeling shy.

Clarke tapped the tip of her nose with a finger. “Oh, you too, trust me.” She climbed on top of Lexa with a mischievous grin on her face, rubbing her pussy against Lexa’s. “She’s not going to forget that for a while, or stop wanting more.” She leaned in for another slow kiss. “Thank you.”

Lexa smiled; maybe this was something new between them after all. “At your service, m’lady.” She brought Clarke’s hand to her lips and kissed it, not breaking eye contact. She shifted over to make space for Clarke to get comfortable next to her.

Clarke raised herself up and off the bed. Before Lexa could fully register what was happening, she had gathered her things, kissed Lexa once more, whispered _goodnight_ against her lips, and walked out of her room without looking back. She heard the quiet click of her door and pulled the sheets closer, shivering slightly from the loss of warmth, even as she tried to ignore the swell of disappointment rising within her. 

So this was how it’s going to be; Clarke didn’t want anything serious. Like she had suspected, she was right back where she had been the last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts and feelings? 
> 
> Come talk to me!


	21. Guess you never knew what was good for you

“We need to talk.” Lexa walked into the kitchen on Sunday morning, just as Clarke was pouring herself a cup of coffee. Clarke nodded without looking up. She wasn’t surprised in the slightest. She’d lain awake for a while the night before, picking apart her thoughts until she had visions of thousands of Lexa-faced dandelion seeds floating away into the horizon as she drifted off to sleep. She had regretted her decision to leave Lexa’s bed the minute she had shut the door; she’d stood outside with her hand on the doorknob debating running back to her until she had begun to feel goosebumps from the cold over her naked body. Part of her wished that Lexa had chased after her, grabbed her and taken her back to bed, but that hadn’t happened. She had tried to quell the feeling of disappointment rising within her as she had found herself all alone. Her bed had felt familiar, but without its usual warmth; and she’d fast realized that she had begun to miss Lexa’s scent already. Or again, she corrected herself. She had begun to miss Lexa’s scent again. Great. Well, that at least was something she could fix. If Lexa wasn’t too furious with her. And by the sound of it, things didn’t look too promising; but she could change that, right? Lexa’s voice had a firmness to it that sent an involuntary shiver down her spine. “Sure. Hi.” she smiled, not being able to resist once she looked into Lexa’s eyes. Memories of the previous evening rushed to her with the force of a tidal wave, and she could feel a flush rising all the way to her cheeks. The reaction was entirely spontaneous, and she felt her lips begin to tingle in anticipation of touching them to Lexa’s again. She licked them, trying to suppress the feeling. Talk first. “Want to sit on the deck? It’s warmer today.”

Lexa’s face had a similar blush on it. She nodded, her face stretching into a wide grin in response to Clarke’s. She just couldn't help herself. “Hi. Good morning. Sure, I’ll be there in a second.” She reached into a cupboard for a mug; Clarke was still standing there, looking at her. Lexa held her mug up. “Getting a cup for myself.”

“Right. Of course.” Clarke blushed harder, then walked out to the back quickly. What was up with her this morning?

Lexa joined her a few minutes later, stirring her coffee with a spoon, looking around as if wondering where to sit. Clarke, sensing her indecision, tapped the empty spot next to her on the love seat. Lexa sat down without hesitation. That was a good sign at least, thought Clarke, as she half turned to Lexa, tucking one foot under herself, letting the other dangle loosely off the love seat. She took a sip of her coffee, letting Lexa begin.

Lexa ran a finger over the lip of her mug, wondering where to start. She had wanted to chase after Clarke and kiss her all the way back to her bed last night, but she had stopped herself. Clarke had made a choice that Lexa knew deep down she was responsible for, and she had to respect it. She had decided as she’d tossed and turned all night that she couldn’t go on without at least having some idea of what was happening between them, though, and that resolve had stayed with her when she had woken up this morning. Until now, that is. Closing her eyes for a split second, she decided to just blurt it out. “What’s happening with us?” She pointed a finger back and forth between Clarke and her.

Clarke watched her steadily. Lexa had picked the low hanging fruit and asked the most obvious question, and she was relieved. She wouldn’t have known how to respond if Lexa had asked her the only question that she knew really mattered; she’d only have known how to counter it with a much heavier one of her own. So she took the easy way out, too. “What do you want it to be, Lex?” She watched Lexa fidget with the rim of her mug.

Lexa ran a hand through her hair. Shit. “I don’t know, Clarke. I had an incredible time last night.” She grinned in spite of herself, running her eyes slowly over Clarke’s body, lingering on her eyes, lips, breasts. “You were amazing.” And _everything,_ she wanted to add, but she bit her lip. “But I need to know we’re on the same page here.”

And what page is that exactly? Clarke suddenly wanted to shout at Lexa. Will you just throw me by the wayside like you did the last time? She took a deep breath, trying to compose herself. Proceed with caution. “Well, I can tell you where I stand.” She tried to ignore the heat rising inside of her as she felt Lexa’s gaze caressing her body. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ears. “Last night with you was….like being among the stars. And I, I want more of it. If you do. But I’m not looking for anything else.” Even as she said the words, Clarke felt a sharp pain in her chest. She was such a damn liar. 

Lexa nodded, then looked away, watching the waves breaking on the shore for a few moments. “Okay.” she finally said. Okay, I’ll take whatever you give me, because living with nothing is not an option anymore. She willed herself to flash her confident half-smile at Clarke. “More starfucking, I can do, to put a new spin on that word.” She paused. “I can’t do anything serious, either.” Lexa couldn’t look Clarke in the eyes even as she lied to her face. She stared into her coffee wishing it was something much stronger, then downed the rest of it in a gulp. She stood up, holding out a hand to Clarke. “What do you want for breakfast?”

Clarke’s smile mirrored her own from a few seconds before. “You.” She licked her lips as she pulled Lexa back down onto her lap. They had this at least; as far as consolation prizes went, it wasn't half bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A teeny tiny hint about why Clarke did what she did. All will be revealed in time, don't worry. Also, this is about as tight the knot of this story is going to get. Now we begin the slow process of unravelling; I get the sense almost everyone will agree with me that this is a good thing... :) 
> 
> Thanks, as always, for your lovely words, patience and enthusiasm, crew. Be well!


	22. All I dream is the same dream

Headphones in, tapping her feet to the tune of the beat, Lexa waited for her inbox to load. Once it did, she scrolled through the messages, wading through the listserv emails that somehow managed to evade the spam filters every time, giving their subject lines a cursory glance before tapping the delete key. _75% off limited time in-store only._ These guys had missed the COVID memo. Delete. _Our support in these difficult times._ That one was from her bank. How exactly were they going to do that? Delete. _Bodyshred from your couch._ No, thank you, that sounded both painful and impossible. Delete. _Bullshit._ Delete. _Bullshit._ Delete. _Bullshit_. _Bullshit._ Hmm. She hit the ‘select all’ button to mass cleanse her inbox, but the last message at the bottom of the page caught her eye. _Hey stranger!_ She clicked it open. 

_Hey Lexa,_

_It’s been a while, I know. Okay, a year isn’t that bad, but it seems a lot more when every day these days is about 30 combined. How are things? Heard Cos and you are planning to leave Goa, though I’m guessing all that’s on hold, what with the world being in the shitter indefinitely. Anyway, was talking to Jairo the other day, and he gave me the scoop, so thought I would reach out and actually hear the truth from you. ;) Kidding, love the guy, but you know him. So, if you’re up for a chat, let me know. I’ve got nothing but time these days._

_Stay safe kiddo,  
_ _Anya_

Lexa was smiling ear to ear by the time she finished reading the message. It had been too long; she missed Anya’s stoic practicality in her life. She dashed off a quick response, proposing some times for a FaceTime call. 

The response came almost instantaneously. _U free now?_

Anya must have been online. _Yeah, totally. Call whenever._ Lexa waited for her phone to ring. 

Her song was cut mid-beat in about thirty seconds.

“Hey, kiddo! What’s good?” Anya’s angular face came into focus as she waved. She was even smiling. Momentous.

“Hi!! I’m good, I’m good. How are you? And _where_ are you?” Lexa picked up her phone and plopped down on her bed, propping herself up on her elbows. 

“Haha, I should ask you the same thing.” Anya paused as her microwave beeped. She set her phone down, and Lexa caught a glimpse of a plant, a bookcase and the ceiling light. Anya came back into focus, holding up her steaming mug. “Sorry. Dinner. Soup.” She slurped loudly, then grinned obnoxiously at Lexa, who rolled her eyes, shaking her head. Some things would never change. “Berlin. I’m in Berlin. Been here for about six months now.”

“I think this is the closest we’ve been to each other in a year. What are you doing there?” 

“Working for a non-profit. It’s basically like being in the Peace Corps all over again, except they actually pay you this time.” Anya paused, examining her soup. As Lexa watched, she fished something out from the cup with her finger, examined it closely, sniffed it flaring her nostrils exaggeratedly, then flicked it away. “Meh. Extra protein.” Lexa laughed out loud, disgusted and delighted in equal parts. Anya could be such a clown if she let you see that side of her. 

“So, tell me, are Cos and you really stuck oceans apart from each other right now? Jairo kind of made it sound like a doomsday situation. So what’s the deal?” Anya flailed one hand around, impatiently. By the time Lexa caught her up, Anya was listening with rapt attention. “Wait a second. Clarke. Clarke. Why does that name ring a bell?” Before Lexa could open her mouth to respond, her eyes went wide. “Lexa! Clarke? Like _Clarke_ Clarke? Like the girl you were so cut up about the whole time we were in Africa? You’re seriously stuck together, under one roof, without anyone else around, indefinitely.” Lexa nodded, hiding part of her face with one hand. If you put it like that, it did seem rather cosmically dramatic.

Anya pushed on. “Sooooo …. how’s it going? Any feelings resurfacing? Any old itches to scratch?”

“Anya…” Lexa groaned.

“What? I’m just being honest! Lexa, when we weren’t out in the field, you literally spent all your time pining for this girl. Sorry, woman, now. Man, remember when you’d taken to climbing to the top of the rickety water filter, so you could mope in peace and we wouldn’t bug you. And those six-day trips into town, in the monsoons….remember that time we heard the bridge collapsed, and spent a week looking before we found you?”

Lexa remembered. She’d basically given herself up to be the eternal volunteer for supplies from town to be able to run her own errands. Or one errand in particular. And she’d escaped the collapsed bridge because she’d had a flat tire, so she’d had to live in the Jeep for a week in the middle of the forest before her team had found her. That had been a close one. Wow. All for what, really? She blushed and rubbed the back of her neck. “Yeah. Yeah. I remember.”

“Man, Lexa, only you. Anyway, so how are you getting along this time?”

“Oh, you know. Fine, I guess.” Lexa was suddenly very interested in examining her fingernails.

“Lexa, look at me.” She raised her eyes to the camera. Anya gasped. “Oh my god. There _is_ something going on between you two. Are you sleeping with her?” Lexa didn’t answer; she only pursed her lips. “Holy shit. You are. Wait a second. Does Costia know?” Lexa nodded, filling her in on the details. 

Anya had completely forgotten about her dinner at this point. She slapped her forehead with her hand. “Wow. You two will never fail to amaze me. So Costia is okay with you sleeping with Clarke after she knows what happened between you two?”

Lexa said softly. “Umm, yeah. But she doesn’t know that part.”

“What? Lexa! Come on, seriously? You didn’t tell her?”

“I mean, I haven’t had a chance to, this was all very sudden; and she kind of sprung the whole open relationship thing on me. After she cheated.”

Anya was silent for a moment. “Yeah, Cos really fucked this one up. But you had five years, Lexa. You never thought to tell her before, huh?” She shook her head, like she was trying to understand; Lexa just watched her, silently, not knowing what she could even say. “So this thing with Clarke, it’s just sex, yeah?” 

Lexa hesitated. “I mean, what choice do I have? I’m technically still with Costia, and Clarke doesn’t want anything serious.”

Anya pushed on. “Okay but, if you had a choice, would it be anything more? What do _you_ want, Lexa?” 

Lexa threw her hands up in frustration. “I want to turn back time.”

Anya’s face softened; when she spoke, her voice was much quieter. “Lex, look. I can’t tell you what to do, or how to feel. I get it. But, just be careful, yeah? At least until you figure yourself out.” Anya chewed on her lower lip for a second. “And, what about Costia? She’s made a mess, but we both know that girl is mad about you, Lex. She chose you over everyone, even though it took you a long time to get there yourself.” Anya looked away. “Hell, she chose you over me.”

Lexa reached her hand out. “Anya….”

“No, it’s fine. Really, I’m over it, mostly. Just, don’t hurt her, Lexa. You two need to talk about what she did, but then, I think you should be honest with her, too. Especially if this thing with Clarke is escalating. That’s just my two cents, as your friend. And hers.”

Lexa looked away. She felt as though Anya had dumped a bucket of ice water on her head. “You’re right.” she sighed, rubbing her eyes. “I need to sort myself out.” She would; she needed to. Ugh. Why was all of this so hard?

“Okay, enough about me. How’s Berlin treating you?”

Anya’s eyes widened as she launched into an elaborate explanation about an all-night carpentry rave she’d attended as a fundraiser. Lexa smiled absently, only half listening, lost in her own thoughts, Anya’s advice ringing in her ears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lexa needed her bruh. Or should I say, gruh.


	23. French exit for me and you

Taking a bite out of her toast, Clarke eyed Lexa. She was just back from her morning run, and she sat in the chair across Clarke, trying to catch her breath, her eyes taking in the waves in the distance. A fine spray of sand, sweat and salt water covered her, and Clarke appreciated how it accentuated some of her favourite parts of Lexa’s body, though she was fast discovering there wasn’t a part of Lexa she didn’t like as much as every other one. She was staring, she knew, but who could blame her, really? The woman was a masterpiece. She raised her coffee mug to her lips. The movement distracted Lexa from her thoughts, and she turned her head and smiled. “What?” 

Clarke shook her head, returning her smile, shyly. “Just admiring the view.” Lexa blushed. “Penny for your thoughts?” Lexa had seemed especially pensive since yesterday. She’d even said a quick goodbye to Clarke and gone up to her room right after dinner. 

Lexa’s brow furrowed slightly. She was still thinking about what Anya had said. “Nothing in particular, really.” She wasn’t ready to talk yet; she hoped Clarke wouldn’t mind.

Clarke’s face fell; she knew Lexa well enough to know when she was putting up a wall, and that it wouldn’t come back down until she was ready to let someone back in. She just hoped it wasn’t something that she had said or done, or worse. “Are you having second thoughts?” Clarke said out loud before she could stop herself.

Lexa looked at her, surprise flashing across her face. Oh. Clarke had misunderstood her unwillingness to share; she saw the uncertainty muddying the sky reflected in Clarke’s incredible eyes. “About us? No, no.” She shook her head vigorously. “We’re good.” She smiled, watching Clarke relax back into her seat, relief flashing across her face. She decided to offer up a bit more. “I talked to an old friend yesterday. Anya. She has a way of really putting things into perspective for me. So you know, just thinking about what it all means.”

Huh. Clarke wondered if Lexa had said anything to Anya about them. Probably not, or probably in passing, at the most. “How did you two meet?” 

“In the Peace Corps. Anya was the leader of my team in Africa, and my mentor. She saved me from some really hairy situations. We became really good friends by the end of it.” Lexa paused, reaching for a piece of toast, and taking a bite. “She’s the one who convinced me to move to Goa after my assignment.”

“She sounds cool. You’ll have to tell me more about these escapades sometime. Is she from Goa?”

Lexa shook her head. “No. Anya’s not really from anywhere. She grew up in a bunch of countries because her parents were diplomats. Some of her friends from high school had moved to Goa, and they invited her out there. Her assignment was up a few months before mine, so she asked me to come check it out after I was done.”

“Nice. She sounds like a good friend. Does she know Costia, too?”

“She is. She’s the best.” Lexa paused. “Yeah, Anya and Costia were...friends first. Anya introduced us.” 

Clarke caught the hesitation in Lexa’s voice, but decided not to push. Lexa’s expression was lost again. She nodded, taking a sip, and they slipped back into silence, until Clarke’s phone buzzed a few minutes later.

 _Clarkey, I miss yo’ face. Text isn’t cutting it for me._ It was Raven. 

She smiled and typed a quick response. _Me too. Missing my roomie homie._

_Want to chat tonight? Let’s do a Zoom call with the crew? Linc and O have the evening off. Ask Lexa if she’s up for it._

Ooh, that would be fun. Clarke looked up. “Lex, are you free this evening?” Lexa nodded. “Raven wants to do a Zoom call with Octavia and Lincoln. You up for it?”

Lexa’s face brightened. She’d exchanged a few texts with Octavia and Lincoln since arriving, mostly about Madi and Aden’s school work, but hadn’t had a chance to talk to them properly with everything going on. And she missed Raven’s nutty vibes. “Yeah! Let’s do it. It’ll be like old times.”

Clarke smiled. “Yeah, it’ll be nice to have everyone back together.” She typed off a response to Raven.

_Cool. Let’s do 9ish? It’ll be after I put the monsters down._

_Perfect. We’re in. Talk soon xx_

Lexa stood up. “That’s something to look forward to.” She stretched. “See you for dinner? What delicacy are you whipping up tonight?”

“Gourmet grilled cheese. And canned tomato soup if i’m really feeling fancy.” 

Lexa grinned. “Three Michelin stars for you, Griffin.” Clarke stuck her tongue out as Lexa walked past to get ready for her day. Lexa turned, her hand on the screen door, suddenly feeling unsure. Before she could change her mind, she leaned down and kissed Clarke, softly. Pulling away, she looked into her eyes. “Was that okay?” Clarke blushed, and nodded. “Definitely. It falls firmly in the ‘with benefits’ category.” She winked at Lexa.

“Good. A decent benefits plan is crucial to one’s general well being.” Clarke giggled at Lexa’s robot voice. They gazed at each other for a moment, before Lexa half-waved and finally walked inside.

Clarke raised her fingers to her lips, still feeling Lexa’s touch, now lost in thoughts of her own.

******

Lexa watched Clarke bite into her sandwich with gusto. A thin strand of cheese was stuck to the corner of her lips. Lexa raised her hand and wiped it off her mouth with her thumb, watching Clarke’s reaction. Clarke, never breaking eye contact, licked Lexa’s thumb slowly, nipping it gently. Lexa’s heart was racing; Clarke had been driving her crazy all through dinner. Maybe it was because she’d caught Clarke checking her out this morning and had replayed her hungry gaze in her mind over and over, but she wanted to drag Clarke off to her bed, and spend the rest of the evening acting out all of her fantasies Clarke had starred in all day. She slowly brought her thumb to her own mouth, and sucked on it, gently. Clarke must have been thinking something along the same lines, because she half stood up in her seat, and reaching across the table, slipped her tongue into Lexa’s mouth, pulling her forward by the front of her shirt and kissing her hard. Lexa ran her hands through Clarke’s hair, coaxing her closer, trying to get deeper with her own tongue. Clarke broke off the kiss by pulling Lexa’s lower lip in between her teeth, only to come around to straddle Lexa’s lap, wrapping her arms around Lexa for another feverish kiss, while slowly grinding her hips into Lexa’s. They made out for a few minutes, their dinner getting cold, until they were both getting too heated to keep going with their clothes on. The buzzing of Clarke’s phone brought them back to reality. _Hey, we’re on and waiting for you two!_ Shit. The Zoom call. They’d completely forgotten about it. Sensing Lexa’s annoyance, Clarke kissed her hard. “Come on, it’ll be fun. You were so excited this morning.” Lexa stuck her lower lip out, but relented when Clarke kissed her pout. How could she refuse Clarke anything? “Fine, fine. You’re right. But uuuuuuughhh.”

Clarke got off her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the living room. Sitting side by side on the floor before the coffee table, they waited to join the call. 

“There they are! Griffin, Woods, fashionably late as always!” Raven’s voice blasted through the speakers. Lincoln drummed the table as Octavia let out a _whoop, whoop_.

“Hi guys! Sorry, sorry, sorry, we were just finishing up dinner.” Clarke raised both her hands to her cheeks, to try and gauge by their heat how dark her flush was. Lexa surreptitiously straightened the front of her shirt for creases.

“It’s fine, it’s fine, I was just catching up O and Linc on what fine little monsters their kids are.” Raven ran a hand over her forehead. “Just put them both to bed, phew.”

Octavia laughed. “Ray, I told you they were a handful. Think twice before you offer yourself up next time.”

Lincoln chimed in, “Seriously though, Raven, we’d be lost without you. And you too, Lexa, thank you so much. You’ve both made this a lot easier.” 

Lexa raised her beer bottle to the screen. “It’s the least I can do, seriously. They might be monsters, but they’re also super smart and really fun to teach. You’ve got an adventurer on your hands with Madi, and Aden’s got a fighting streak. They’re great kids, really.”

Octavia and Lincoln beamed. “Thanks, Lexa. That’s really, really great to hear. We’ve been worried sick about them.” Lincoln added in quickly, “Not that you haven’t been taking fantastic care of them, Ray. We just….we miss them so much.”

The group fell silent. Clarke cleared her throat. “How’s it going in the hospital? Any good news with the numbers?”

Octavia sighed as Lincoln rubbed his eyes. “Honestly, no. It’s exactly like what you read in the news, except ten times worse.” Lincoln nodded, tiredly. “We’re just happy to come home safe every day.” 

Octavia ran a hand through her hair. “Guys, can we talk about something else? It’s just, being surrounded by it constantly, I just need a break.” The others nodded, vigorously. “Lexa! Tell us what you’ve been up to! It’s been forever!”

Lexa launched into an abbreviated but animated explanation of her life in Africa and Goa. Clarke watched her face light up, and watched her long fingers move through the air as she described one of her adventures. She was only half listening, and distractedly thought of them in the kitchen a few minutes ago. She slowly ran her hand across Lexa’s leg, stopping on her thigh and squeezing. Lexa almost choked mid-sentence, but managed to finish her thought. “And that’s how you outrun a…. warthog.” The others burst out laughing, missing Lexa’s crimson face as she turned and glared at Clarke, who made no attempt to move her hand. 

Her story done, Lexa sat back and put her hand around Clarke’s waist, out of sight of the others. She pushed aside the edge of her t-shirt, and slowly began tracing slow circles on Clarke’s left hip. Clarke sat bolt upright. She was feeling those circles much, much lower. Oh, man. 

“Okay, so serious question.” Raven chimed in. “What is everyone doing for sex???”

Clarke glanced at Lexa, who gripped onto her hip tightly, but refused to look at her.

Octavia looked at Lincoln, smirking. “I mean….” she pointed between Lincoln and herself. “Benefits of self-isolation. Together.”

Raven rolled her eyes. "Couples."

Lexa looked away from the screen, scratching her forehead, not sure what to say. Clarke was thankful Raven hadn’t brought up her breakup with Finn; they’d talked about it right after, and she was glad Raven had been tactful. She’d also texted Octavia about it, so that there wasn’t any awkwardness around it. But then, this was equally awkward.

“Umm, toys, Ray, toys.” She gripped Lexa’s knee hard. 

“Oooh, what kind? Girl needs some help here.” Raven’s complete openness about absolutely anything never failed to astound her.

Octavia and Lincoln sniggered quietly. They’d all been friends for way too long to be ashamed about stuff like this. And, they were all used to Raven by now.

“How about I just text you some recommendations?” Clarke had had about enough of this conversation. Lexa’s hand had resumed her exploration, and she was finding it totally distracting.

“Fine. You’re all so boring. What is quarantine doing to us?” Raven paused, totally forgetting Lexa hadn’t responded. “Okay, TV shows and movies. Go!”

Lincoln and Octavia were both huge movie buffs, and they began rattling off a huge list. Within minutes, they were discussing the latest trashy couples reality show on Netflix with Raven, complete with detailed opinions on each contestant. Clarke tried to listen, she really did, but her hips had slowly begun moving in tune with Lexa’s hand. Finally, she reached out and closed the lid of her laptop with her index finger, turning suggestively to Lexa. “Whoops. Poor call quality. We’ll catch up with them later.”

Lexa, eyes dark and shining like lit coals, nodded once and sprung forward, lowering herself on top of Clarke. Clarke groaned, as she felt Lexa lie between her hips, pressing into her. She began unbuttoning Lexa’s shirt, aching to feel her skin under her fingertips. She’d bet her life that Lexa was better than any toy out there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now you know why so many Zoom calls drop so suddenly. ;)


	24. Use your hands and my spare time

Lexa stood over the pot, sniffing the steam delicately, trying to gauge if she’d added enough basil to the pasta sauce bubbling away on the stove. Clarke strolled in and leaned against the island in the kitchen. “This smells so good, I had to stop working to come see what you were making.” It was about half the truth. She also wanted to see if she could steal a kiss, or twelve. Lexa turned around, one eyebrow raised. “Oh, yeah? I made this exact sauce two weeks ago. You didn’t seem so enthused then.” Turning the stove off, she scooped a little bit on the wooden spatula, and holding her other hand under it, blew on it gently to cool it as she slowly walked over to Clarke, giving her a taste. As Clarke licked it off, Lexa brought her face close to hers, until she could feel Clarke’s breath on her lips. “Was that it?” Clarke bit her lip, slowly shaking her head, _no._ Without a word, she hooked her arms around Lexa’s neck and pulled her close, connecting their lips. Lexa dropped the spatula to the floor, slipping her arms around Clarke and hoisting her up onto the counter. She made quick work of Clarke’s shirt, burying her face in her breasts as her hands reached towards Clarke’s jeans. Pulling them off hurriedly, she set to work on Clarke’s panties, slowing the pace to drag them down with her teeth. Impatient, Clarke reached for Lexa, practically tearing her t-shirt off and grinding hard against Lexa’s abs. She was so wound up she couldn’t wait anymore. Lexa watched in awe as Clarke screwed her eyes shut, gripped Lexa close and dug her nails into her back as a short but powerful orgasm ripped through her, and Lexa felt its evidence gushing onto her abs a second later. She held Clarke, gently kissing the sides of her neck as her breathing evened out. Clarke pecked her lips, grinning happily. “Hmmm. You’re incredible.” 

“I barely even did anything. But, I’m happy to oblige, whenever.” Lexa pulled Clarke closer, kissing her temple, enjoying the feeling of just having her in her arms. “Ready for dinner?” She glanced down at herself. “Though I think I’ll need to clean up first.”

Clarke slid off the counter, lacing their fingers and pulling Lexa into the living room. “Soon. I want to clean you up.” She pushed Lexa onto the couch, climbing on top of her with purpose. She intended to give back as good as she had gotten, especially if that meant getting Lexa plenty dirty first.

It had been like that all week. They hadn’t been able to keep their hands off each other, and neither one seemed remotely inclined to ask the other to stop. If anything, it was the exact opposite. Like the time Clarke had walked into the laundry room to find Lexa looking through the hamper of washed clothes for a t-shirt in only her bra, with the top of her jeans unbuttoned and showing her lacy underwear. She’d leaned in to the hamper to help, and their fingertips brushed gently. Before she knew what was happening, Lexa found herself pinned against the washer, her jeans and underwear pulled down to her thighs, Clarke’s hands on her hips for support, her tongue deep inside Lexa. The washer was still on, and by the time the spin cycle hit, the combination of the vibration and the long, precise strokes Clarke was using threw her over the edge with such force that she saw stars when she came. Clarke swallowed every last bit of Lexa’s release, and rising slowly, she ran her hands over Lexa’s torso, licking her lips like a particularly happy cat. “Mmmm. You’re delicious.” It took Lexa a few minutes to be able to stand again, and Clarke seemed content to let her just be, catching her in a hug, peppering her shoulders with soft kisses.

Or the time they had tried to say goodnight to each other in the landing between their rooms, after agreeing over dinner that it was best to turn in early since they both had long work days the next day. Clarke had turned to her bedroom and started to walk away, only to have Lexa catch her arm and pull her in for a kiss, which had turned into a heated make out in about thirty seconds. Clarke had found herself pushed up chest first against the wall outside the bathroom, Lexa’s hot breath in her ear, her left hand finding its way inside Clarke’s thong and onto her clit in record time, as she rubbed infinity eights and coaxed sounds out of Clarke that made _Lexa_ wet enough to come from just listening alone. She held them both steady against the wall with her right arm covering Clarke’s, anticipating what was to come. Feeling Clarke spill onto her, anywhere on her, was something Lexa had begun to crave like air underwater, and she _did_ come herself when she felt the unmistakable clenching of Clarke’s insides a split second before her release began pooling in Lexa’s palm; Clarke hadn’t even had the chance to touch her. It had taken Clarke a while to recover, and Lexa had been content to bury her nose in her hair, inhaling her soothing, heady fragrance. “You’re dynamite.” She’d whispered in Clarke’s ear, which had only made her turn around and kiss her harder, and they’d ended up making out for another twenty minutes before finally making their ways to their own beds.

Or tonight when for the fourth time this week, after riding Lexa over and over for hours, Clarke travelled all the way down and back up her body, ending with the sweetest, softest kisses across Lexa’s face, and lay with her head on Lexa’s chest in quiet bliss, just taking her in. Then, just like she had done every other time, she kissed Lexa once more with fierce intensity, and left. Once she was back in her room, Clarke rested her head against her closed door, trying once again to figure out what would get her to stay. And like every single time she’d asked herself the question, the same answer came back to her like a boomerang: she needed to learn to trust Lexa again. With no idea how to do that, she lay in her empty bed, lost like she had been every other night after leaving Lexa.

Lexa watched Clarke leave, trying to push away the pang of sadness rising up inside her. What would it take to get Clarke to stay? This, their sexual chemistry, was the stuff dreams were made of, but that obviously wasn’t enough; Lexa had known that all along. Just like she had the last four times when Clarke had walked out, she stared at the ceiling for what felt like hours, trying to figure out what to do. And, like every single time, she practically saw the answer written out above her head: she needed to get Clarke to trust her again _._ How, was another question, and the one that she was forever stuck on.

Turning to her phone to set an alarm, Lexa scrolled through her email absentmindedly. _Hi._ She clicked on the subject line. _Lexa, I’ve been trying to give you the space you asked for, but I need to know that you’re okay….that we’re okay. Can we please talk?_

 _I love you,  
_ _Costia_

Sighing, Lexa tapped her phone to her chin for a few moments, before dashing off a response and putting her phone away. For now, she needed to sleep. Tomorrow’s problems would be ready and waiting when she woke up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Breathe.


	25. Don't delete the kisses

Lexa finished up frying her eggs, trying to hurry; Costia would be calling soon. She reached for the toast, swearing softly as she burned her thumb trying to reach it stuck between the teeth of the toaster. Unplugging the toaster, she reached in with a butter knife, quickly dislodging the toast and setting it down on her plate. Picking up her plate and grabbing her coffee, Lexa made her way to the sunroom. It was the farthest in the house from Clarke’s room; she knew Saturdays were Clarke’s days to sleep in and, as she had learned, sound carried between their bedrooms and the bathroom. She sat in front of her laptop, waiting for Costia to call, taking a bite of her toast, chewing thoughtfully. In a few minutes, she saw the notification flashing, and she clicked on it with her hand still holding the fork with a piece of fried egg on it. 

Costia’s face appeared on the screen, scrubbed clean of makeup, but still fresh. Lexa noticed she had dark rings under her eyes, which seemed dimmer than usual. Her brow furrowed slightly. 

“Hey, Lex.” Costia’s voice sounded even more exhausted than her face looked. “How’s it going?”

“Alright. I’m doing okay.” Lexa took another bite of her eggs. “You look tired. Doing okay?”

Costia nodded. “Yeah. I’m good. I’m good.” She paused, taking in a deep breath and letting it out. “Okay, no. What am I doing? No. I’m not okay. I needed to talk to you, to see you.”

Lexa watched her, carefully. She was telling the truth. “Well, here I am. Let’s talk.” She was expecting another feisty repartee or five from Costia, and this time she felt more like herself, she was ready for what was coming.

Costia sighed. “Lexa, I’m sorry. I did a shitty, shitty thing, out of nothing but pure stupidity and selfishness. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” 

Now that, Lexa wasn’t expecting. She put her plate away, and picked up her coffee, cradling it with both hands and taking a sip. Huh. She wasn’t quite sure what to say to that.

Costia was fidgeting with her thick metal necklace now. “I, just, I panicked. I don’t know why, but I was convinced that you didn’t want me anymore, and that I was better off by myself, and I was mad at you for leaving me here all alone even though I know neither of us could have seen this coming, and everyone here was flying off home to be with their families, or loved ones, and well, the person I love the most was so far away from me, it all just stopped making sense. I’m sorry, Lex, I’m so sorry for hurting you. I don’t know what I can do to make it right, but I’ll find a way.”

Lexa watched her silently, her heart swelling with compassion. She wanted to reach out and give her a hug; Costia was tripping over herself, tying herself up in knots trying to express what she was feeling, and as usual, it was all rushing out at once, leaving Lexa to make sense of it.

She cleared her throat. “You really hurt me, Cos. And made me feel really, really stupid. And small. You know that if you’d asked me first, I wouldn’t have said no to an open relationship. I just felt like you were punishing me because it took me so long to agree to us being exclusive.”

Costia shook her head, remorse written all along her face. “No, god, no, Lex.” She slapped her hand against her forehead. “See, I was afraid of that. No, I meant it when I said all those years ago that I would wait for you no matter how long it took, and I did. This, my….cheating, had nothing to do with that.” She looked entreatingly at Lexa. “I need you to believe that, to believe me. I just really, really fucked up. Can you...do you think you’ll forgive me?”

Lexa nodded. “I’m working on it, Cos, I am. You know I don’t hold grudges; it’s taking me some time to get there. The big thing for me is that you understand what you did, and take responsibility for it.”

Costia looked a little relieved, and nodded. “And look, Lex, if it’s going to help you get there, if this is something you want, we can go back to being exclusive. I was being an ass about the sex thing. We’ll figure it out. There’s always toys and cameras, right?” 

Lexa hesitated. Huh. “Umm, well, what’s done is done, no?” She scratched her forehead. “And well, you’re right about one thing. We’ve never had a conventional relationship. So, I’m okay with the way things are, if you still are.”

Costia tilted her head sideways. “There’s my Lexa; I was wondering where you’d gone.” She rubbed the tip of her nose with her finger. “Does this mean you’ve hooked up with Clarke?”

Lexa blushed, in spite of herself. She really hoped Costia couldn’t see it. “Well, yeah.” 

Costia thought about it for a moment, then nodded. “Okay. Then I guess we’re on the same page. Any ground rules we need to talk about?”

Lexa paused. Were they on the same page? Were Costia’s feelings as muddled as hers were? She knew she wasn’t being upfront with Costia, and she knew it was probably going to come back to bite her big time. But, what if this thing with Clarke was going to fizzle out eventually? What if Clarke never wanted anything more than sex? Was it worth hurting Costia right now, when she, Lexa, didn’t know her head from her ass most days? Hadn’t Anya told her not to hurt Costia, and wouldn’t she be doing just that if she said anything about the internal conflict raging within her right now? Making her decision, she shook her head, _no._ “Just the usual. We don’t talk about our hookups with each other.”

Costia nodded. “Yeah. This is our space. Yours and mine.” She smiled. “I’ve missed you, Lex. I can handle anything, but not the radio silence, okay? This last week has been really awful. We can talk about anything, but just don’t shut me out, okay?”

Lexa nodded. That she could do. “Okay. But, just be patient with me, Cos. I’ve got a lot going on. I know you do, too.”

Costia smiled. “Baby, you’re always travelling galaxies in your mind. I get it. I’m here. You know that.” She looked at the time on her phone, and yawned. “Lex, I should go. I have an early start. I’m doing a full inventory of the bar tomorrow; we’re donating the excess food stocks to the homeless shelter in Calangute.”

“That’s awesome! Good on you; wish I could help.” 

Costia looked wistful for a second. “Me too. Soon, I hope. Love you. Bye, Lex. Text me soon.” she blew her a kiss, and waving, turned off her camera.

Lexa exhaled, and sat back in her seat. That had gone better than she had expected. And they had sorted it out, as much as they could, given everything. Then why did she feel so uneasy? She dropped her head against the couch. For crying out loud, had she managed to screw up yet again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trust. You can't get from A to Z by skipping the rest of the alphabet.
> 
> Or, come blast me in the comments. :)


	26. It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this

For what felt like the hundredth time in the last hour, Lexa’s phone buzzed, and she picked it up. She seemed to be getting a lot of texts all of a sudden, and by the looks of it, they all seemed to be super entertaining and super funny; Lexa hadn’t stopped grinning in the last hour. Every so often, she would let out a quiet chuckle, type something back, set her phone down, and go back to her book, without so much as a glance in Clarke’s direction. It was infuriating. Clarke had been re-reading the same page of her own book for the last hour, watching Lexa’s eyes light up and wondering if she should ask what was so funny. She scowled and went back to her book again, chewing on the nail of her left thumb, trying to concentrate on the words before her. Lexa let out a particularly loud guffaw, immediately covering her mouth to stifle it as she looked in Clarke’s direction, and saw her glaring. “Sorry.” She waved her phone at Clarke. “Costia’s telling me about how she had to get rid of a family of owlets nesting in the storehouse of the bar. It’s ridiculous. She had to run around flapping her arms like giant wings, screeching. She must have sounded like a pterodactyl.” Lexa collapsed on the couch in a fit of giggles. 

Clarke stared at her, letting out a short, strained laugh. “That’s hilarious. Costia sounds like a hoot.”

Lexa’s eyes went wide for a second, and she laughed even harder. “Oh. My. God. That was so good. I have to tell Cos.” 

Clarke practically bared her teeth in a smile, thankful that Lexa wasn’t actually looking at her. She must look terrifying. She cleared her throat. “So, uh, how are you two doing?”

Lexa finished typing her message, and looked up at Clarke, putting her phone aside. “Oh, uh, better, much better. We talked this morning, finally. Costia apologised for uh, the cheating.” Lexa ran her hand over the back of her neck. “And we, uh, we’re working on working through it.”

Huh. “Did you tell her about our...thing?”

Lexa nodded. “Yeah, we’re talked about it a little. We’re both on the same page, I think. So, all good.” She winked at Clarke, hoping it came across with a nonchalance that she didn’t feel at all. Her heart was suddenly racing.

Clarke fought to keep a level face, trying not to let her surprise show. “Wow. Costia and you have a very….evolved relationship.”

Lexa eyed her for a second, trying to read Clarke’s tone. “Well, uh, yeah, I think we’ve always kind of understood each other’s take on the physical side of things. It took us a while to get there, and to be honest, it was because of Costia’s patience, mostly. But yeah, we do have a unique relationship, you could say.”

Whoop-de-fucking-do. Here were Lexa and her otherworldly girlfriend teaching the rest of them mere mortals how to free love properly. Clarke suddenly slammed her book shut with much more force than she intended. “Amazing, really. It’s so great you two have each other.” Lexa’s brow furrowed as she watched Clarke stand up. Clarke picked up her phone. “Well, enjoy. I promised Raven I’d call.” She stalked off, leaving a very confused-looking Lexa behind. What the hell? Lexa’s mouth fell open a little as she watched Clarke leave. What had just happened? Clarke had seemed fine until they had started talking about Costia. As she heard her stomp upstairs, a lightbulb suddenly went off in Lexa’s head: _could Clarke be jealous?_

******

Clarke felt Lexa’s eyes following her as she walked out. It was only when she got to her room and had slammed the door shut did she let out a huge sigh. _She was so fucking jealous._ She groaned out loud, putting her head in her hands. Perfect. Just perfect. Could Lexa tell? She FaceTimed Raven.

“Hey, Griff! What’s up?” Raven had propped her phone against the window above the kitchen counter as she continued chopping something. 

“Hey, Ray. Just thought I’d say hi. Got a few minutes?” Clarke lay down on her bed.

“Sure, if you don’t mind me making dinner.” Raven paused, dropping the chopped vegetables into a boiling pot on the stove. “Though it seems like you ain’t got no time for me these days.”

Clarke frowned. “What? What do you mean?”

“I mean that stunt you and Lexa pulled on our Zoom call the other night. What was up with that, Griffin?”

“Ray! I texted you after. Our call dropped!”

“And I call 100% pure and unadulterated bullshit on that. You know we have spectacular Internet. We pay through our damn noses for it.” Raven popped a cherry tomato in her mouth. “Want to tell me what’s going on between you two?” 

Clarke stared at her for a second too long before opening her mouth to respond. “Between Lexa and me? Come on, Ray, nothing!”

“Griff, I know you since we were wee bonnie lasses in the crib of our college. Don’t insult me.”

Clarke huffed. There was no getting around it. “Fine. Yes, okay. Yes. I’m sleeping with her."

Raven’s eyebrows shot up and a short laugh burst out from her. “I knew it! Wow. Hahaha!” She clapped loudly a few times, then stopped abruptly. “Wait a minute. What about Costia?”

Clarke sighed, and gave her the gist.

Raven let out a long, low whistle. “Well, blow me. Lexa’s got serious game, I’ll give her that. She’s got two stunning women wrapped around her fingers.” She cackled. “Maybe I’ll ask her for tips sometime.”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “Shut up, Ray. _I’m_ certainly not wrapped around Lexa’s anything.”

Raven wiggled her eyebrows. “Oh no? Doesn’t seem like it from where I’m standing. Is she any good?”

A deep blush rose all the way up Clarke’s chest to her forehead. She looked away. “Umm, yeah.” She fidgeted with her hair. “Yup. Yup. Can’t complain.”

“Griffin! You’re the colour of a beetroot!” Raven teased. “Damn, she must be _good_. You’re never coy about this stuff.”

“Well, I don’t exactly kiss and tell either, Raven. You’ve just walked in on me a bunch of times, because you don’t understand the meaning of knocking before entering.”

Raven nodded. “Fair’s fair, Griff.” She wiped her hands on a dishcloth. “So, it’s just sex, right?” 

Clarke bit her lip, not saying anything. Was it? Then what was her performance downstairs all about just now?

"Holy shit, Clarke, did you catch feels?” She had Raven’s full attention now. 

Suddenly, the weight of everything she had been feeling inside since the first time she’d set eyes on Lexa almost two months ago came crashing down on her like a waterfall. She felt an intense emotion rise up from the pit of her stomach with such power that it physically caused her to shake. She put a hand on her heart to stop it from thudding against her ribcage so hard. Before she knew it, her vision was clouded over with tears. Not knowing what to say, she just shook her head and swallowed the lump in her throat. It hurt. A lot. “I, I don’t know.” Then she nodded, wiping her eyes with her hands. “You know, I think I did.” She threw her hands up in the air in defeat.

Raven was quiet. Clarke could hear the water boiling on the stove while she tried to collect herself, the hot, wet tears leaving marks on her cheeks. Finally, Raven spoke. “Hey, Clarke, it’s okay. Really, it’s not a bad thing.”

Clarke wiped her nose vigorously with the sleeve of her sweatshirt. “How is it not a bad thing, Ray? She has a girlfriend, for fuck’s sake. Who by all accounts, including yours, is this amazing, enlightened being who’s so confident about their relationship she lets Lexa sleep with someone else while being on the other side of the fucking planet.” Clarke rested her chin in her hand. “Why would Lexa ever want to give that up?” For me, she wanted to say, but Lexa had already made it clear what she’d thought of Clarke once, hadn’t she?

Raven’s voice was gentle. “Because the Lexa I knew in college had eyes only for you, Griff. Maybe that hasn’t changed. Maybe she just needs time to figure it out.”

Clarke looked at Raven, her eyes suddenly clear and focused. “What, Lexa? No way, she was always so tentative in college, I was friendzoned from Day One.”

Raven shook her head. “Definitely not. I was her roommate, Clarke. That girl spent more time dreaming about you than stars. And that’s saying something.” Raven paused to drain the pot of boiled vegetables. “Did you seriously never notice?”

Clarke frowned. Had she really missed all the signs? She closed her eyes, trying to fight off the tension gathering at the back of her head. She rubbed her temples. But wait a minute. It didn’t make sense. None of it made sense, because Lexa had left, ultimately. Why would she do that if she’d actually cared about Clarke, like Raven said she had? 

Raven continued on. “I’m actually shocked nothing happened between you two in college, Griff. We were all blinded by the beams of heart eyes and laser-focused eyefucking between you two. Maybe now’s the time; maybe it’s meant to be.”

Clarke opened her mouth to respond; Raven had no idea what had happened between them. “Okay, so….”

“Raven! I’m hungryyyy. Can we eat yet? Pleaseplease pretty please!” Madi ran in and launched herself into Raven’s side in a bearhug.

“Ooooooffff, yes, Monster Princess. Go get your brother. Dinner’s ready in two minutes.”

“Okaaaaaayyyy!” Madi bolted back out, arms wide like a jet plane, making whirring noises. 

Raven turned back to the screen. “Griff, I gotta go, but we can talk again soon. You gonna be okay? Seriously, take some time to figure things out. You two could be so great together.” She began to shovel food on dinner plates. “Hey, we’re doing another Zoom call soon. I’ll let you know when. And let’s talk again, you and me? This is the most vicarious action I’m getting, haha!”

Clarke laughed, in spite of herself. She waved at Raven. “Sure, thanks, Ray. Love you.” 

She clicked off the call, and sat up on her bed, mulling over what Raven had said. If only Raven knew the whole truth, maybe she wouldn’t be so sure. But that didn’t change her feelings for Lexa, did it, now that she had finally admitted to herself that they did exist? She had no idea what they were exactly, or what she was even going to do. For now, she was just trying not to drown in their sheer strength. What in the ever living hell was she going to do now? Looking at the time, she decided to freshen up and head to dinner; she’d have to act as calm and nonchalant as she could, for now at least. 

Lexa watched her with concern all through dinner, relaxing a bit as Clarke laughed and joked through it. Maybe Clarke had just had a bad evening; maybe it was nothing else. That night though, she could swear Clarke’s kisses were filled with a different kind of intensity. And, as Clarke turned to leave, she lingered at the door this time, looking back at Lexa for a few moments with an unreadable expression in her eyes.


	27. You forgot it in people

Sunday morning, Lexa woke up early, turning her alarm off. She brushed her teeth, tying her thick hair back into a braid, and grabbing her training staff, went down to the beach for a short but intense _silambam_ workout. She had a lot of energy to work off, and not enough time to do it. After about forty-five minutes of high-jumps, twists, turns and dodges, Lexa was flushed, energized and ready to face her day. Grabbing a banana from the kitchen on the way up to her room, she hurried to shower, and picked her clothes with care. She chose a simple white silk blouse, tan-coloured slacks, and spent about a half hour putting on some light make-up and redoing her braid. Stepping out of her room, she grabbed her laptop, and made her way down to the kitchen. She checked the time; 8:52AM. Perfect. That gave her just enough time to brew a fresh pot of coffee. She drummed her fingers on the counter top as she waited, lost in thought. She glanced down at herself, taking a deep breath. It was just a Zoom call, and one that she was looking forward to, all things being equal. But, a little light armour wouldn’t hurt. She turned off the coffee machine at the first beep, not wanting to disturb Clarke; pouring herself a generous mugful, she made her way to the sunroom. Setting up her laptop, she entered the Zoom call, waiting for Gustus and Indra to join in, making a few mental notes as she sipped her coffee.

A few minutes later, the screen flashed. “Hello? Hello?” Gustus’ ruddy face appeared on screen, as he tried to adjust his laptop screen. “Lexa, can you hear me?”

“Sssh, Gustus, there’s no need to shout. She can hear you just fine.” Before she could respond, a slender hand appeared on screen, gently setting the laptop screen to precisely the perfect angle, so that, in a couple of seconds, Lexa could see both Gustus’ bearded face and Indra’s thin, set one; she smiled broadly and waved. “Hi, Uncle Gus! Aunt Indra, hi!”

Gustus’ face lit up and he looked delighted. “Lexa, my dear, hello!” Indra’s smile was more subdued, but just as happy. “Hi sweetheart; how are you?”

“I’m fine, thank you! How are you both?”

Gustus chimed in. “As well as we can be, given everything. You know they opened the marinas back up this weekend.”

Lexa nodded. Her news alerts were giving her the blow by blow. “I know. Uncle Gus, you’re not thinking of taking the boat out, are you?” She set her face in a stern expression.

He laughed. “Well, I did think of it, but you know, your Aunt Indra…”

“I caught him trying to skulk out, and don’t worry, he has no idea where any of the keys are anymore.” Indra winked and nodded at Lexa, decisively. “He’ll have to get past his first wife to get to his second.”

Lexa laughed, and nodded her approval. “And we all know the chances of that happening.” She relaxed a little. She always did this; she wound herself up over nothing before talking to them, and as soon as she did, she realised that they were the same as always, stoic rocks in the raging stormy seas of her life.

Indra’s expression changed into one of concern. “How are you, sweetheart? We’d so been looking forward to having Costia and you over for a few weeks, but it’s all up in the air now, isn’t it? How are you two coping with the distance?”

Lexa paused, quickly reminding herself about how much they knew, and what part of the story to fill them in on. She’d exchanged a few emails with them since the lockdown, so they had some idea of what was happening at least. “Nothing new to report, really. Costia hasn’t found a buyer yet, and I obviously can’t leave, or look for a place to stay, so here we are. No one said limbo was going to be this full of busy nothingness.”

Gustus smiled, and nodded. “Always with Alex’s dark eloquence, Lexa.” He shook his head, as if shaking off a memory. “But yes, nothing has changed. And nothing will, for quite some time. So you should expect that. Hopefully Costia understands that, too?”

Lexa nodded. “She does. I mean, as much as we can both make sense of this. We talk a lot, and she still has Goa, so she’s okay. We’re okay, don’t worry.”

Indra nodded. “And what about you? Are you and Clarke ready to kill each other yet?” She looked slyly at Lexa. 

Lexa blushed. Oh, the irony. “Ha, no, we’re fine. Really. You know, we were friends…”

“....In college, yes, I know, sweetheart. But I also know it’s been a while since….graduation, and I wanted to make sure you’re okay. Seems like things are going well between you two, though?” 

Lexa hesitated. How much had Indra guessed back then? She nodded, and smiled, letting the corner of her mouth lift up. “Yes, we’re good. We’re good. We’re, uh, getting to know each other again. Old….friends are nice to have around right now.” She took a sip of coffee to give her hands something to do.

Indra’s eyebrow quirked, and amusement sparkled in her eyes. “I’m sure. Some friendships, and feelings, are timeless.”

Lexa choked on her coffee, her face turning a bright crimson. She came up for air, spluttering. “Mmhmm.” She nodded, her eyes watery. Indra watched her carefully, a strange half-smile playing across her lips.

Luckily, Gustus blustered in as usual, and Lexa wanted to reach into the screen and throw her arms around him. “Lexa, we need to talk about your fund. Now that you’re back in the country, I’ll have to get you to sign some more papers. You’re still receiving mail fine where you are, correct?”

Lexa nodded. Here it came. “Yes, all good. Though courier might be best.”

Gustus eyed her for a moment. “And as usual, you’ve not spent any money.” He paused, clearing his throat. “Lexa, it’s all yours. For you to do what you want with it. And there is plenty to last for the rest of your lifetime, believe me. The investments we’ve made will make sure of that.”

Lexa paused, looking away. She scratched her chin. “I know, I know. I’m sorry, you’re right. I’ll...look into it once uh, everything is back to normal. Whatever that means.” Gustus looked unconvinced. “I will, I promise, Uncle Gus!”

“Have you considered buying your next place instead of renting? You have more than enough for a down payment, you know.” Gustus pushed on. “Besides, won’t it mean more to Costia if she had some kind of certainty once she gets here, since she’s selling her own property in Goa?”

Lexa squirmed in her seat. “Uh, yes, maybe. I think, I don’t know. We haven’t, we haven’t talked about it.”

“Lexa, my darling…” Gustus was shushed by Indra, who patted his arm soothingly. “Lexa, it’s okay if you haven’t decided yet. Your Uncle and I wanted you to know that it’s an option, that’s all. If you were ready to settle down, that is. But, no pressure, of course. You know that.”

Uncertainty flashed in Lexa’s eyes. “You’re not...tired of me, of all this, are you? Because if you are, I can totally look into ….”

Gustus waved his massive hand at the screen almost impatiently. “Lexa, of course not; don’t even think that for a minute. You are _never_ a burden; your Aunt and I are just concerned about your wellbeing, and well, as your guardians.” He paused, inhaling sharply. “I have to keep my promises to Alex and Victoria.”

Lexa nodded, a flash of pain stabbing her heart. “I know, I’m sorry, Uncle Gus. I’ll think about it, I promise. Just as soon as things are back to normal, I’ll let you know, so we can move ahead with all this stuff.”

Gustus nodded. “Okay. Or I know where to find you.” He waved a piece of paper with Lexa’s address on it, grinning in mock-menace. Indra slapped his arm. “Gustus! Give the girl a break! Turning to Lexa, she asked. “So, how is tutoring going?”

Lexa heaved a sigh of relief, launching into an animated description of her science lessons. Much as she appreciated Gustus and Indra, this call had just added more things to her plate she would try to have to not think about, and even more to try and figure out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Indra, the wisest one of them all.


	28. The kids are alright

Clarke rolled over onto her back, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. She’d had weird dreams, and hadn’t slept very well. That, and the constant internal back and forth she had going on about Lexa was starting to wear her out. She sighed. Maybe they needed to take a break from...whatever it was they were doing. Maybe a few days without touching each other would be good for them. She knew, even as she had the thought, that it was going to be damn near impossible to do; sighing, she picked up her phone. There had to be another way out of this gridlock they were stuck in.

_Clarke, call me when you’re up. Everything’s fine, I have news._

Clarke hit the call button; Abby picked up on the second ring. “Hi, darling! Didn’t want to wake you too early.” She sounded positively chipper.

“Hey, mom. No, you should have called, anyway. What’s up?” Clarke sat up, arranging her pillows, before falling back onto them. 

“I have good news, Clarke. We’re coming home.”

Clarke let out a whoop of joy. “Finally! When? And how?”

Abby laughed affectionately. “Tomorrow, or well, early Tuesday morning. The authorities are finally letting us dock in Honolulu, and we’re going straight to the airport. They’ve told us there should be enough chartered flights to fit everyone, so it looks like we’re entering the home stretch.”

“Yay! Mom, this is awesome. And when can I see you?”

“Well, not for a couple of weeks at least, I’m afraid. Marcus and I will be self-quarantining.” Abby hesitated. “And you really shouldn’t be coming over even then. We could be asymptomatic for a while.” 

“True, I guess. I’m so tired of all this, mom.” Clarke sighed into the phone, only half-meaning the lockdown.

Abby’s voice was concerned. “Clarke, what’s wrong? Everything okay at the house?”

Clarke turned on her side, burying her face into her pillow. “Oh yeah, we’re fine, don’t worry. Just...tired of being locked away from everything and everyone.”

“Hmmm.” Abby sounded doubtful. “Is Lexa treating you okay?”

Clarke sat up, confused. “What? Of course she is! Why wouldn’t she be?” She felt a wave of protectiveness rising up inside her.

Abby, sensing Clarke’s defensiveness, backed down. “Oh, nothing, darling, two months is a long time to be spending with someone who you haven't seen in a very long time. You’re practically living with a stranger.”

Clarke felt her face grow warm. “Mom, don’t be ridiculous. Lexa was, is, still the same. She’s great. We’re great. And I’m really glad she’s here, actually.” She was feeling more than a little annoyed now.

“Oh, I know, Clarke. I’m just asking a simple question. Hang on a second.” Clarke could hear Abby giving orders to someone. “Clarke, I have to go. We’re just stabilizing the last round of COVID patients.” She paused. “I love you, darling. I’ll let you know we’re home.”

“Love you too, Mom. Please do; I’m so glad you’re coming home.”

“Me too. I’ll talk to you soon, Clarke.”

Clarke stared at her phone for a few seconds, wondering what Abby had meant. That was the second time her mother had said something strange about Lexa. When she was back home and settled, she was going to talk to her about it.

Throwing off her covers, she went downstairs to find something to eat. She could hear Lexa in the sunroom talking to someone; she wondered who it was. A second later, a loud laugh burst out from the laptop. _Gustus_. She hadn’t heard his voice in so long, but it was unmistakable. A few seconds later, she heard another familiar voice, belonging to a woman now. _Indra._ She smiled, fondly. They had been so much fun when they’d driven Lexa to college, and they had always made it a point to take Raven, Clarke and Lexa out to dinner before leaving. She’d only gotten brief updates from Lexa about them recently, but it was nice to hear their voices; they seemed to be doing well. Lexa’s laugh rang out; her heart skipped a beat. In that moment, she made a decision; she was going to spend the day painting in her room. She needed to sort through her feelings; and that meant some Lexa-free time, precisely because she needed it all to think about Lexa. 

Opening the cupboards, she loaded her arms up with snacks, a water bottle and a can of San Pellegrino, heading upstairs. Dropping everything on her desk, she texted Lexa. _Painting and hermitting in my room for the day. See you for dinner?_ She began rummaging through her closet for art supplies.

Lexa’s response came about thirty minutes later, when she got off the call. _Sure thing. Go paint your masterpiece. :)_

She shook her head, smiling. How did Lexa always know the right thing to say?

*******

Lexa was sitting with her feet up on the couch, absentmindedly clicking through channels when Clarke came downstairs around dinnertime. She smiled when Clarke poked her head in. “Hey stranger. Good day painting?”

Clarke nodded back, her smile echoing Lexa’s. “It’s always a great day when it’s spent painting.” She felt so much more relaxed; she’d managed to capture the muddle of her thoughts into the swirls of paint on the canvas, and she felt like she could breathe again. She might not have all the answers, but she certainly wasn’t full of just questions anymore. 

Lexa nodded. “Truth. I’m glad you had a good day.” She wanted to ask to see Clarke’s painting; she really was an incredibly talented artist, and Lexa could still recall some of Clarke’s pieces from college, but she suddenly felt shy asking.

It was almost as if Clarke could read her mind. “I might even let you see it someday. If we’re still friends when it’s done.” 

Lexa chuckled. “You’re going to have a hard time getting rid of me, Griffin.”

Clarke gave her a long look. “I hope so. I like having you around.”

Lexa blushed. “Me too.” They looked at each other for a few moments, until the doorbell rang. Lexa stood up and began walking to the door. “Hope you don’t mind Chinese. I was feeling lazy.”

As Lexa unpacked the food and served them, Clarke brought her laptop to the table. “Let’s just eat while we talk to the others? I’m starving.” She started up Zoom while waiting.

Lexa nodded, bringing the plates over. She turned to go back for the sauces, but Clarke grabbed her arm, pulling her in quickly for a kiss. “Hi.” 

Lexa brushed a hair out of Clarke’s face. “Hi.” This was nice.

The screen came alive with faces. They quickly pulled apart and sat down, side by side.

“Hi kids!” Raven waved vigorously. “Look who decided to join us today.” Madi and Aden poked their heads into the screen. “Hi Clarke! Hi Lexa! We wanted to talk to you, too!” Aden shouted into the screen excitedly. Clarke tactfully turned down the volume on her laptop a few notches.

“Lexa, are you going to ask me about my homeworks?” Madi looked concerned. “Because I only did half.”

Lexa laughed. “Well, lucky for you, it’s Sunday. Which means no school talk.” Madi beamed at her. “What else did you do today?”

Aden chimed in, “Raven let us paint the walls in our rooms!”

Octavia, who had just logged in, had a look of sheer horror on her face. “Raven! You did what?”

Raven only laughed. “Relax, O, we had a strict one wall only policy. We just used whatever paint you had lying in the shed.”

Lincoln shook his head. “Well, we did say we wanted accent walls. Hi, kids.”

Madi shrieked with joy, and Aden waved excitedly. “Guess instead of reading you bedtime stories tonight, we’re going to have a little party with Clarke and Lexa.” 

Madi looked at the camera shyly. “It’s okay. I can share. I missed you, family.”

Everyone erupted into a chorus of oohs and awws. Aden rolled his eyes, but he was smiling, too. “This is like having everyone at home. Except, no one’s here, for real.” He pouted, resting his chin on his hand.

“Hey, what about me? We’re a party of three!” Raven tickled his sides, and he burst into giggles.

Madi looked pensive. “Mommy, Daddy, when will you come home?”

Octavia’s smile faltered. “Soon, baby. As soon as we can.” 

“But why can’t you come home now? You don’t look sick!”

Lincoln sighed. “Because I might be covered in gross little bugs, even if you don’t see them.” He widened his eyes, comically. “Do you want the gross bugs to get on Mr. Monkey or Madame Poopoo?”

Madi’s eyes widened and she shook her head; Aden began picking his nails. “Daddy, what will happen if they get the bugs?”

Lincoln hesitated. “Well, they’ll get very, very sick. And we don’t want that.”

Aden looked up. “Just like the people at the hospital, right? Don’t they get really sick and...die?”

“Aden!” Raven ruffled his hair. “A lot of people who get sick and go to the hospital get better, thanks to your mom and dad, who are working hard to help them.”

Clarke chimed in. “Yeah, your parents are very brave. And we can help them by not getting sick; which is why we all need to stay in our own homes and party on Zoom for now.”

Madi’s eyes were as wide as saucers. “But Daddy, if Mommy and you have the bugs on you, you could get sick, too.” Her lower lip began to tremble. “I don’t want you to die!” She burst into tears suddenly, sobbing into Raven’s arms. Raven made soothing noises, gently stroking her hair. Aden tried to put up a brave front, but when Raven held her arm out to him, he curved himself into a ball into her side, his body shaking with silent sobs, too.

The others could only watch helplessly. Octavia and Lincoln were silent, surreptitiously wiping tears off their own cheeks, their arms around each other.

Clarke glanced at Lexa, who was rolling her jaw, like she might cry herself. Clarke got it; she knew Lexa was probably thinking of her own parents. Clarke was thrown back into memories of Jake. She reached for Lexa’s hand, holding on tightly. Finally, once Madi had quietened down, Clarke spoke up. “Hey, Madi, I have an idea. Why don’t we draw some superhero pictures to send to your Mom and Dad? Aden, you can join us if you like. That way they can smash all the bugs away, and keep them safe.”

Madi’s poked her face out of Raven’s embrace. “Really? Can we make them extra strong? Like double muscles?” 

“I want to make my own superhero.” Aden sat up straighter. “Corona Woman!”

“Deal! We’ll give them triple muscles!” Clarke beamed at them. “Tomorrow evening after dinner? We can paint them together on Zoom.”

“Okay!” Madi had completely forgotten her tears, her excitement taking over. Even Aden was nodding vigorously. 

Octavia mouthed a silent _thanks_ to Clarke. Clarke looked over at Lexa, who was looking at her with something like adoration written all over her face. Clarke blushed as Lexa moved their interlinked hands under the table to rest on her thigh.

“Okay, but that means you need all your strength to make these superheroes tomorrow; which means it's bedtime.” Lincoln interrupted softly, but firmly.

Raven led them upstairs after they’d wished them all goodnight. Once they were out of earshot, Lincoln let out a huge sigh. Octavia rubbed his shoulders, gently. “Thanks, Clarke, really. This gets harder every day.” He rubbed the top of his head with his hand.

“I swear, they get a little taller every day.” Octavia wiped another couple of stray tears. “It’s like we’re stuck watching chunks of their childhood on a screen. How is this real life?”

Lexa cleared her throat. “There’s no explanation or logic to this, really. I’m just happy you’re both safe and healthy. And you can see Madi and Aden are, too.” She paused, looking away for a moment. “Trust me, they’re just thankful to have you here at the end of the day.” She felt Clarke squeeze her hand softly.

“Back! They went down easy tonight. Clarke, your plan is genius.” Raven puffed her cheeks out. “I don’t know about all of you, but that wiped me out. Shall we call it and try again in a couple of days?” 

“Sounds good to me.” Lincoln yawned, as Octavia and Lexa nodded.

Clarke nodded. “See you tomorrow, Ray. Love you, all. O, Linc, sending you both good vibes.”

Clarke clicked off the call. She looked at Lexa. “I’m wired, honestly. I don’t think I can sleep for a while.”

Lexa nodded. “Me too.” She got up, suddenly. “I have just the thing.” She ran upstairs, taking the stairs two at a time. Clarke could hear her going through her closet. She came down a few minutes later, and set a bottle on the table. It was filled to the brim with a clear liquid. “Have you ever tried _feni_?”

Clarke shook her head, picking it up to read the label. “Cashew liquor? Sounds delicious.”

Lexa grinned. “Oh, it is.” She reached into the cupboard for two small stemmed glasses. “Come on. You’re about to taste the nectar of the gods.” She grabbed the bottle off the table, and headed to the back deck. Clarke put their dishes in the sink, and followed her, intrigued by this latest adventure Lexa was taking her on.


	29. Running up that hill

Lexa sank down on the loveseat, twisting the top of the bottle until it snapped open sharply. Uncapping it, she inhaled the sharp, fruity aroma. “Ah. This smells like so many memories.” 

“You really miss Goa, huh?” Clarke leaned over the side she was sitting on, and flicked a switch. The deck was suddenly lit with the soft yellow glow of fairy lights. They caught in the gold of Clarke’s hair perfectly, and when she turned to look at Lexa, shimmered in her eyes like treasure at the bottom of the deep, blue sea. Clarke was so effortlessly alluring, and she never seemed to have any idea of the effect she had on people. Lexa paused for a second, just taking her in. “I miss things about it. But there are other, more beautiful ones out there for me to find.”

Clarke blushed, tucking her hair behind her ear, biting down on her smart comeback. She would take the compliment, especially when Lexa was looking at her like that.

Lexa poured a little bit of feni in each glass, and sat back after giving one to Clarke, so they were half facing each other. “Cheers.” She took a little sip, watching Clarke’s reaction as she did the same.

Clarke’s face scrunched up, then her eyes went wide. “Oh. Whoa. Huh. Wow.” She slowly ran her tongue over her teeth and lips. “Wow. That was like taking a bite of an entire basket of tropical fruit. Except, slightly spicy; and so warm. What _is_ this stuff?” She took another sip, then another. “And boozy. Holy shit, this is strong.” She shook her head. “This is delicious.”

Lexa laughed, enjoying watching Clarke’s journey. “It’s weird, huh? Once you get past the bold flavours, it’s actually really delicate.” 

“I need to be careful with this stuff. I’m starting to feel it already.” Clarke looked at her already almost empty glass.

“Here, I’ll match you.” Lexa clinked their glasses, and took a swig, downing the contents of hers entirely. Then, she refilled them. “This one should go down slower.”

Clarke ran a finger over the rim of her glass. She felt a fuzziness coming over her which, when combined with the sounds of the waves and the twinkle of the lights, made her feel calmer instantly. “Those poor kids. I hope this doesn’t scar them; what a weird thing to remember happening in your childhood.”

Lexa nodded. “Yeah. They’re tough, though. Both of them. And they have such a great circle of support.” She looked away in the distance, lost in thought. 

Clarke looked at her, hesitating before asking her next question. “Do you still think about them?”

Lexa met her eyes. “No. Every so often, a memory will come into really sharp focus, but it was so long ago, really. I mostly remember them from photos now.” She took another big sip. “You? Has it gotten any easier?”

Clarke shook her head. “No, but I’ve gotten used to it, honestly. And we had many happy years; and when the cancer finally took Dad, I could tell it was time. In a strange way, I was ready.” She looked at Lexa. “It wasn’t as sudden, I guess. That helped.”

Lexa nodded, her face darkening. Clarke saw a muscle twitching in her jaw. “Yeah, that’s the hardest part. I never got to say goodbye.” She ran a hand over her eyes. She had never told anyone about the night her parents died; not even Clarke when they were in college. But maybe it was seeing the familiar raw fear reflected in Madi’s eyes, or the fact that Clarke’s presence tonight felt different in its comfort somehow, but she felt a torrent of emotions rushing up from deep inside her, suddenly fighting to be let out all at once. She took another swig of the feni. “It’s so strange, having someone sitting smiling and full of life in front of you one second, and then, the next it’s like their essence just evaporates into thin air; it’s like they never existed.” She snapped her fingers, almost in a reverie.

Clarke watched her, her heart clenching. Lexa had never mentioned the death of her parents in more than passing; she sensed that she was finally letting it all out, and she would be here, ready to catch her without hesitation if that’s what Lexa wanted. “How old were you, Lex?”

“Eight. We were driving back from Gustus and Indra’s; it was pouring rain, so bad that Dad couldn’t see straight.” Lexa’s voice was almost entirely emotionless. “I remember Mom asking him to pull over, so that we could wait out the rain. He refused; he just wanted to get us home safe.” She paused, reaching for the bottle of feni. Clarke beat her to it, refilling Lexa’s glass first, then her own. Lexa took a sip, and continued, her eyes focused in the distance. “I was so sleepy, I couldn’t keep my eyes open; the last thing I saw before they closed was Mom’s face; she was smiling; she said to go to sleep, and that she would be right there when I woke up.” Lexa paused; there were tears streaming down her face, slowly; she hadn’t even noticed them. She looked at Clarke, a haunted look on her face. “I’ve never stopped regretting closing my eyes that night. The next thing I remember is a loud screeching, and a horn blaring. And then, Gustus and Indra, as they picked me up from the hospital. I never saw my parents again. Even their caskets were closed, the accident had damaged their faces so badly.”

Clarke stared at her, tears streaming down her own face. She wiped them away, speechless. Her heart was breaking for the terrified eight-year old Lexa who had lost everything she had known in a single moment. She cleared her throat. “So you went to live with Gustus and Indra, right? Because they were your parents’ best friends?” Lexa nodded, swallowing a lump in her throat. “Yeah, they adopted me. Gustus was also Dad’s lawyer, so he already knew everything about the businesses and the estates and stuff; and they knew me since I was born.” She sniffed, wiping her eyes. “They’re the closest things to parents I’ve known since then. But….” she paused. “This is going to sound horrible, because I love them, I do. But…”

“...they’re not your parents?” Clarke said softly.

Lexa shook her head, _no_. “I don’t think they expected to be. But they don’t have any kids of their own, either. And sometimes I think Indra especially wishes I let her in more. I just….can’t.”

Clarke nodded. “I get it. Marcus can never replace Dad. But, he makes Mom happy. And I guess he looks out for me in his own way. So there’s that.”

Lexa looked at her. “There’s no comparison, is there?” Clarke shook her head. 

“Anyway, so I lived with them for a few years, and then ended up going to boarding school, as you know. It was in Mom’s will that I go to her _alma mater._ And then came college. And then the Peace Corps and Goa.” Lexa paused, gazing into her glass. “So I guess I’ve been away from home for a very long time.”

Clarke thought a moment before asking, “Are you ready to come back?” 

Lexa looked at her searchingly. “I am. Except I don’t know what, or who, home is anymore.” 

Their gazes locked. _Me. I am_ , Clarke wanted to say. Instead, she put her glass down, and shifted closer to Lexa, putting her arms around her, resting her head on her shoulder. Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke, tightly. Clarke could feel her soft breath against her hair; in that moment, if she could have, she would have swallowed all of the hurt inside Lexa whole. It was no wonder Lexa had put up the walls she did, and why she was so reticent, sometimes.

Lexa shifted after a while, and Clarke raised her head to look at her. Lexa smiled, pointing to the bottle. “Look at that. We almost made it to the bottom.” She looked at Clarke, her eyes showing some of her usual humour. “This is almost exactly like the first time we kissed in senior year. Do you remember?” 

Clarke nodded, smiling back. “Except I wouldn’t count the bottom shelf boxed wine on the same level as this liquid magic you served us tonight. And the conversation was much sillier. But, I take your point.” She leaned in closer, tasting the remnants of the drink on Lexa’s lips. They kissed slowly at first, taking their time exploring each other. Clarke let Lexa take the lead; she was happy to have this go wherever Lexa wanted tonight. Their kisses turned heavy quickly, and Lexa pulled away, rising to her feet and holding her hand out to Clarke. They made their way upstairs to Lexa’s room without another word. Lying in bed, Clarke pulled Lexa on top of her, gasping as Lexa pinned her arms above her head. She planted kisses all the way down Clarke’s body, making her squirm. Lexa was different tonight; her fingers, as they travelled over and inside Clarke, were more decisive; her touch felt firmer; her lips, possessive. As Clarke came, she felt a feeling of calm wash over her. Catching her breath, she realized she felt taken care of. She reached for Lexa, trying to turn her over on her back, but Lexa only shook her head. She rested her head on Clarke’s chest, lying on top of her. Clarke ran her hands over her back, playing with her hair; so this is what happiness could feel like. After a long time, Lexa raised her head, resting her chin gently on Clarke’s chest to look into her eyes. “Should I let you go?”

Clarke cupped the side of her face, looking deep into Lexa’s eyes. “Will you let me stay?”

Lexa’s slow smile and languid kiss were all the answer she needed for now. They fell asleep wrapped up in each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're getting there....
> 
> Also, Italy, YAY!! So happy for you troopers!! 🎉👏🏽🥳


	30. What am I to you?

Clarke woke before her alarm the next morning; she couldn’t remember the last time that had happened, or when she had woken up so refreshed. She lay with her eyes closed for a few minutes, just feeling Lexa’s presence next to her. Lexa’s face was tucked into her neck, her breath tickling her in gentle wisps. She half covered Clarke’s body with her own; her left leg was thrown over Clarke’s waist, and her arm was draped over Clarke’s stomach. Ordinarily, Clarke would have squirmed out of an embrace like this long before the night was up, but she was perfectly content in Lexa’s arms. Come to think of it, she was pretty sure Lexa hadn’t let go of her all night, and she was totally okay with it. Her thoughts drifted back to the previous evening; her heart still hurt from Lexa’s story; she wondered if Lexa had ever told it to anyone else. From her reaction, it didn’t seem like it. But, wouldn’t Lexa at least have opened up to Costia about it? Hmm. She opened her eyes, turning her head to look at Lexa; she was still deeply asleep. Clarke watched her closed eyes move under her eyelids, and as the corner of her mouth twitched up; Clarke hoped Lexa was having a good dream. In sleep, Lexa was an open book; the tension she usually carried around her mouth gave way to total peace; her lips were still a little swollen from their kisses last night, and Clarke wanted to kiss her awake right now, but decided against it; Lexa could do with a little more sleep. Careful not to disturb her, Clarke reached for her phone; it was early still, but she was wide awake. She slipped out of Lexa’s embrace; Lexa shifted with a little groan of protest, burying her nose into Clarke’s pillow. Smiling, Clarke left a gentle kiss on her temple, and tiptoed her way out of the room.

She began making breakfast, lost in her thoughts. What was going on between Lexa and her? Over the last few days, her feelings had slowly begin to crystallize; she knew she was falling. It was only a question of when she would hit the bottom, and how hard; she was powerless to stop it at this point. But, would Lexa catch her this time? She didn’t think her heart could take another rejection from Lexa. She shook her head; how had she ended up here again? Maybe she should talk to Lexa; she could tell she was conflicted, too. But, did she really want to put it all out there, and risk ruining both this nice something that they had, as well as their renewed friendship? Now that she had her back, she didn’t think she could do without Lexa again. She thought back to the night of their first kiss. It was the first day of Fall Break their senior year; Clarke remembered they’d both opted to stay on campus to keep working through their senior projects. She’d gone to find Lexa after a long day in the studio, where she had been painting up a storm for her final portfolio. Knocking on her dorm room door, she could hear Lexa’s footsteps as she pattered about.

“Hi!” Lexa threw the door open. “I was just about to head downstairs and brave the kitchen for dinner. Are you hungry?”

Clarke nodded. “Starving. And I brought a gift.” She held up the boxed wine that had been sitting on the floor of her closet for a month. Now was as good a time as any.

Lexa eyed it. “That is actually the perfect accompaniment to the feast of instant ramen noodles you will be served tonight.” She waved towards her bed, which had about six different packets laid out on it. 

Clarke raised her eyebrows in surprise. “I wouldn’t have pegged you for an instant noodle fiend. You take care of yourself far too well for that.” Lexa was bent over, looking into the small fridge in her room. Clarke couldn’t help but take in the view; Lexa really was incredibly fit. She licked her lips, unconsciously. 

“Well, we all have our vices.” Lexa rummaged through the cans of beer, kombucha and the remnants of Raven’s string cheese snacks, as she reached to the very back. “Aha. I knew we had some of this.” She stood up, holding a small packet of tofu and a single stalk of green onion. “Desperate times. I haven’t had a chance to go shopping after midterms.”

Gathering their things, they headed to the lounge kitchenette in the basement of their dorm. It was completely empty, and thankfully, cleaner than usual. Even so, Lexa looked through the cleaning supplies under the counter. Wiping down the countertops and the stove stops quickly, she set a pot of water on the stove. “How’s the art portfolio going?”

Clarke poured them some wine in disposable cups. Walking over to Lexa, she handed her one, and leaned against the counter she watched her chop up the green onion. “Well, I think. I’m just thrilled to have days to do nothing but art; it’s impossible while classes are on.” She paused. “How’s physics honours going?”

Lexa nodded. “Okay. My head’s spinning with all the equations and numbers, but I keep telling myself I’m learning the language of the stars, so it’s worth it.” She smiled. “That, and I get free access to the observatory. Have you been up there?” Clarke shook her head.

“I should take you one of these days.” Lexa divided the noodles up. They ate in front of the TV, balancing the steaming bowls on cushions while they watched reruns of _The Simpsons_ , occasionally punctuating the silence with guffaws. Clarke finished first, and went to clean up. “Are you doing anything now?” 

Lexa shook her head. “We could watch a movie in my room, if you like?” 

Clarke nodded; it would be a nice way to unwind. “Fine by me; and we’ve got to make a dent in this fine wine.” 

Upstairs, Lexa sat by a giant stack of CDs in by the player. “I’m on a queer movie trip; I think I checked out every single one the library has.” 

Clarke let out a laugh; this was going to be fun. “Hit me with it.”

Lexa started scrolling through the list, pausing on one. “Tough choices, but what about _Better Than Chocolate_?” She read the back cover, giving Clarke a summary. “Clandestine romance between two women…. one is an artist...one of them’s not out….ooh, there’s even a meddling mother….” She looked up. “What do you think?”

Clarke raised an eyebrow; this had potential to hit too close to home; but why not? “Interesting. With a title like that, who could refuse?”

Clarke kicked off her shoes, moving over on the bed to make space for Lexa. They settled in next to each other, the overhead light off, Lexa’s lava lamp casting a glow over the room as the video came on. Lexa raised her arm, putting it around Clarke’s shoulder as Clarke relaxed into her. Over the last couple of years, this had become their preferred movie-watching position. Clarke couldn’t remember when it had happened; it just had.

A few minutes in, Clarke couldn’t stop herself from talking through most of it. “What?! Oh my god.The U-Hauling….is this whole movie going to be a series of lesbian stereotypes?”

Lexa waved a hand nonchalantly at the screen. “Well, I mean, I’m guessing so. It’s supposed to be a cult classic. Part of the queer canon, apparently.” 

Clarke shook her head. “Okay, I am enjoying it; they’re both super hot.” She pointed to the two leads. “Oh, this is going to be a trip.” She leaned closer to Lexa, catching a whiff of her soap. Mmm. She must have showered right before Clarke had gotten there. She felt a slight stirring in her groin. Huh.

By the time the movie had progressed to the body painting scene, Clarke’s mouth was hanging slightly open; her feelings were oscillating between being totally turned on and confusion at the completely insane plot line. She looked over at Lexa, who was shifting slowly beside her; from her expression, she looked equally mystified. Clarke’s eyes fell down to Lexa’s lips; maybe it was the wine, maybe it was the sex scene, or maybe it be was the fact that she had finally gotten to spend some time alone with Lexa after almost a month of buckling down, but she suddenly wanted to kiss her, so badly. 

Lexa turned her head; she looked nervous; her eyes flickered down to Clarke’s mouth. Without hesitating, Clarke leaned in and brushed their lips. Lexa was hesitant at first, but she got more confident as Clarke drew her in. She gently brushed her tongue against Clarke’s lower lip; Clarke moaned loudly, rising up to sit in Lexa’s lap. They were making out now, their hands in each other’s hair and across their backs, feeling, exploring; Clarke was on fire; she hadn’t expected Lexa to be such a fantastic kisser. Wait a minute; this was Lexa. Lexa, her best friend. What was happening?

She broke off the kiss in a sudden panic, breathless. This was their last year; they’d been friends since they were sophomores; why was this happening now? She didn’t have time to start something, and probably neither did Lexa. In a few months, they would go their separate ways; she would probably be in med school, which was something she’d worked for since that day in middle school when Abby had come to Career Day, telling her class about being a doctor, and how she’d smiled at Clarke, saying she hoped some of them would follow in her footsteps. Clarke knew her mother had meant her, and she’d made up her mind that day to do just that. This couldn’t happen right now; she couldn’t let anything get in the way of that when she was so close, right? And she couldn’t lose Lexa because of her indecisiveness. Besides, Lexa was always going to be in her life, right? She was just that kind of a friend. Maybe, maybe they would have something later, when they had settled into their post-college lives. Now wasn’t the time. Clarke raised her hands to her flushed cheeks. “Wow. That was...wow. I don’t know what came over me.”

Lexa reached out to hold her hand. "It’s okay. Me too.” She kissed Clarke’s hand. “Are you okay?”

Clarke nodded, dazed. She pushed herself off Lexa’s lap. “Yeah. Fine, I should go. It’s late.” She fumbled to put her shoes on, and grabbed her jacket. Pausing at the door, she turned to look at Lexa. “See you tomorrow? I’ll text you.” 

Lexa nodded, blinking a few times as if she was trying to get her bearings. “Cool. Yeah, do that.”

By the time she had gotten back to her room, Clarke had calmed down enough to think about how good that kiss had felt; yet she couldn’t push the nervousness in the pit of her stomach away.

*****

“What are you smiling at?” Lexa walked into the kitchen, wiping the sleep out of her eyes, as she made her way to the coffee machine. She poured herself a cup, watching Clarke as she laid the eggs out on their plates. 

Clarke looked up at her; and here was Lexa again, in the flesh. “You.” 

Lexa blushed. “What about me?” She ran a hand through her hair. “I can’t remember the last time I slept so well.” She leaned in for a kiss. “Thank you for staying with me last night.”

Clarke nodded, breaking eye contact, not wanting Lexa to see the torrent of emotions swirling through her. “You’re welcome. Thank you for opening up to me.” She paused. “It meant a lot.” 

Lexa waited until Clarke raised her eyes again. “For me too. It was a weight I’d been carrying around for years; I feel like my chest is lighter.” She touched a hand to her heart. Clarke reached out and touched the side of Lexa’s face; she couldn’t help herself. Lexa looked as if she wanted to say more; she opened her mouth, but was interrupted by the buzzing of her phone. She looked down, raising her eyebrows. “It’s Costia. She wants to know if we’d be interested in a live stream dance party she’s hosting online; apparently one of the people she’s isolated with is a deejay.” 

Clarke looked at her, furrowing her brow. “Sounds like fun. You should definitely go.” 

Lexa looked up at her. “No, she means us both. Not just me.”

Clarke raised her eyebrow. Seriously? Lexa’s _girlfriend_ wanted to have an online dance party with her, Lexa’s….lover? “Are you sure that’s what she means, Lex? And are you okay with that?”

Lexa frowned, typing something back. The response came back almost instantaneously. She held her phone up to show Clarke Costia’s message. _Of course I mean Clarke, too. What is she going to do, sit around the house while we dance up a storm? Bring her, we’re all friends here._

Lexa shrugged; it was a bit strange, but not completely out of the ordinary, given that it was Costia. “I’m okay with it, if you are. But seriously, I get it. No pressure.”

Clarke thought for a moment. She’d be damned if she seemed uncool in front of Costia the Extra. “No, I’m fine with it. It should be fun. Thank Costia from me. When is it?”

Lexa typed back a response with one hand. “The day after tomorrow. Like 9ish our time? They’re setting up the stream specifically for this part of the world.”

Clarke nodded. “I’ll be there, in my best rave sweats.”

Lexa laughed, picking up her plate, walking over to the table, and sitting down to eat. “Which you’ll still somehow manage to look amazing in.” She went back to her phone, scrolling through her phone for the day’s teaching schedule, eating her breakfast hungrily.

Clarke shook her head as she joined Lexa. She really didn’t understand Costia and Lexa’s relationship. She did know, though, that sooner rather than later, they were going to have to talk about what was happening, and where Costia fit into the picture. She sighed. Lexa was going to drive her completely mad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Late update today, folks. Migraines are tools of disruption sent by gremlins to throw a wrench in the best laid plans. But, onward we go with our story.
> 
> On another note, how is everyone holding up? We're entering Week 8 of lockdown here in Ontario; I'm starting to envy the freedom of raccoons as they steal food scraps out of my composting bin. Leave me a note if you want to chat/commiserate!


	31. Like the cool kids

“Clarke, my muscles are sooooo big, you can’t see the head!” Madi’s voice broke through the computer screen, drifting into the kitchen, as Lexa finished up the pesto. Clarke was sitting in the sunroom with her paints spread around her, giving Madi her promised art lesson; Aden had decided to trade in art for video games at the last minute. Lexa secretly thought it was because he had jumped at the chance for some sibling-free time. Lexa could hear Clarke giving Madi instructions, as she taught her the basics of sketching and painting. They would lapse into a calm silence for a few minutes, and Lexa could hear the scratches of pencils against paper, mostly because Madi was sitting too close to her laptop. Clarke hummed along to the song playing on the TV show in the background on Madi’s side of the chat. Lexa worked quietly, trying not to disturb them, though mostly because she wanted to hear Clarke’s voice. She spread a layer of pesto on the bread. Pausing she added a second, thicker layer to Clarke’s sandwich. She knew she had strong feelings about extra everything on bread; she had learnt that a long time ago when picking up a falafel wrap for Clarke from the food truck in the college quad. Clarke had taken one look inside the wrap, scrunched her face up (“they are so damn stingy with the tahini”), and promptly dumped hot sauce into it, chomping into her mess of a sandwich with enthusiasm. Lexa meanwhile, had asked them to go easy on hers; she had watched them like a hawk, making sure they took the meaning of drizzle seriously; she wanted to taste the freshly made falafel. Clarke apparently didn’t care if hers drowned in hot sauce.

Lexa stacked the roasted vegetables on the bread with care; it was so weird what parts of someone you remembered and carried inside of you. Though with Clarke, there wasn’t much she didn’t keepsake; like for instance, that she hated mushrooms. “They taste like something in between a plant and an animal; it’s weird, it’s like eating an alien,” was another one of Clarke’s pronouncements, as she picked through the fajitas at the local Mexican restaurant, dumping them onto Lexa’s plate one by one. Lexa added extra portobello on her own sandwich, switching out her zucchini and putting it on Clarke’s instead. Rinsing her hands, she carried the plates to where Clarke was set up. 

“Look, it’s Lexa! Should we ask her what she thinks of our pictures?” Clarke pointed at Lexa with her paintbrush. 

“Yeah!” Maddie squished her picture up to the screen, then pulled it back slightly.

Lexa squinted, as if concentrating deeply. She gave Madi’s squiggles a careful appraisal. “Wow. They are so strong! Are those all muscles?” Madi nodded, showing off her toothless grin in full glory. “Where, err, is the rest of the body?”

Madi laughed. “Here, silly. That’s the hair, and that’s the arm, and the other arm, and the rainbow sparkle shoes, and the wand.” She pointed enthusiastically at the disembodied lines and blocks, each missing the mark at connecting with the other just slightly.

Lexa quirked her eyebrow. “Your superhero has a wand? That’s a pretty great superpower.” 

“Mmhmm. She can zap the bugs away. Can you guess her name?” Madi looked at her imploringly.

“Err…” 

“LEXA! It’s you! Can’t you tell?” Lexa turned her head sideways to look at her deconstructed fairyish self on the screen. “Huh. How silly of me. It’s so obvious. Thanks, Madi.” Beside her, Clarke giggled, squeezing her thigh affectionately. 

Lexa looked at Clarke’s painting; it was a simple sketch of the silhouette of a woman in leather armour with a flowing cape; she looked regal and fierce. Clarke hadn’t gotten around to finishing the face yet. “Is that supposed to be me, too?” 

Clarke had a twinkle in her eyes. “Maybe. If you workout on the beach more often.” She remembered Madi, and blushed. “So I can study your movements more. Obviously.”

Lexa raised an eyebrow. "Mmmhmm." She picked up Clarke’s sandwich, raising it to her mouth. Clarke took a big bite and went back to her sketch. “Mmmph. So good, thanks, Lex.”

Lexa picked up her own sandwich, and took a bite, munching quietly, enjoying Clarke’s chilled out energy. Every few minutes, she would feed Clarke another bite of her sandwich. Lexa watched Clarke out of her corner of her eye. She had a sudden vision of a future Clarke, sitting cross-legged on the floor at a table just like the one she was at now, teaching a golden-haired, green-eyed child how to paint. She imagined walking into the room and stretching out on the couch with a book, and peeking out over the top of it to sneak glances at Clarke and their child, a warm feeling settling in her chest. So this is what happy domesticity could feel like. Wait, what? She shook her head; how had her thoughts taken her there?

“Clarke? Lexa?” Madi paused, turning her painting around, using her paintbrush to dab spots in random corners, without looking at the screen.

Clarke looked up. “What, sweetie?” Lexa bit into her sandwich. 

“When will you get married?”

Clarke could _hear_ the rush of blood as it rose to her cheeks. Her heart was thumping in her chest, and she could feel a sweat pricking down her back. She raised a hand to her forehead, trying to calm herself. She looked over at Lexa, who had descended into a series of violent coughs, her face about as red as a tomato. She reached over and thumped her in the back a couple of times. Lexa’s eyes were watering when she looked at Clarke, and the look of shock on her face was almost comical. 

Clarke turned to Madi. Lexa was still coughing and clearly useless in this conversation. “Umm, why do you think we should get married, Madi? Lexa and I are just friends.”

“Yeah, but you’re special friends; and special friends should get married.” Madi pointed to her decrepit stuff toys propped up against each other next to her. “Like Mr. Monkey and Madame Poopoo.” She went back to her painting. “Anyway, don’t forget to invite me to your wedding.” Losing interest, she held up her painting. “Clarke, I want Lexa to have a tail. She’s a unicorn! Where should I put it?”

Clarke busied herself with suggestions, thankful for the distraction. 

Without looking at Clarke, Lexa got up to get a glass of water from the kitchen. She had the phrase _wife material_ flashing through her head like an incessant neon sign; her brain was really enjoying fucking with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean, if a five-year old can tell.....


	32. Somebody that I used to know

Clarke walked into the kitchen, just as Lexa was finishing up the lessons for the day; she waited until Lexa had signed off and put her laptop lid down, scrolling through her phone. Looking up, she waved her phone in the air. “Lex, have you seen our groceries? I didn’t get a text notification. They were supposed to be here yesterday.” 

Lexa shook her head, taking out her own phone. “No, nothing. I figured they were running behind or something.”

“Hmm. Weird.” Clarke walked out the front, leaving the door open. Lexa could hear her walking around the front of the house, her feet crunching in the gravel. A few minutes later, Clarke walked back into the kitchen, kicking the door shut, a cardboard box in her arms. “Mystery solved.” She put the box down on the kitchen floor. “Attack of the trash pandas.”

Lexa walked over to it. “Oh, crap.” The side of the cardboard box had been ripped to shreds; peering in through the gaping hole, she could make out what had once been a full loaf of sourdough; it lay on its side in a pile of its own crumbs, practically obliterated. Reaching for it with a kitchen towel, she held it out. There were huge claw marks in it, interspersed with gnawing patterns. “Well, I think we have consensus that Ingrid’s has the best bread in the city.” Clarke rummaged through the rest of the box with an old spatula. “Wow, they really went to town.” She imagined a family of raccoons lolling around in the mud in a blissful gluten coma.

What remained of the vegetables had been ripped to shreds, and there were deep scratch marks on all the milk and soup boxes. And they had flat out taken off with the egg carton; a cracked half shell lay discarded at the bottom of the box as the only evidence they’d even existed once. “At least they appreciate the finer things in life.” Their grocery delivery service was entirely locally sourced with organic produce. “We’re going to have to throw all of this out. And there won’t be another delivery slot for at least another couple of days.”

Lexa shrugged. “Grocery trip after dinner? It might actually be quieter on a weekday evening.”

Clarke nodded, looking through the cupboards for something to throw together quickly. “Yeah, think we have to.” She pulled out a single can of baked beans. “We’ve got some of the old bread left.”

“Works for me.” Lexa picked up the box to toss out in the garbage.

*****

They got to Mount Weather about an hour before closing. Lexa was right; there was hardly anyone around. They navigated through the produce aisle quickly, tossing in fruits and vegetables, Lexa checking things off her phone as they went by. 

As they turned the corner into the dairy section, Lexa paused. “Capers. I forgot the capers. I’ll be right back.” She turned on her heel and headed back to the other side of the store. Clarke enjoyed watching Lexa, her long, easy strides making even her simple jeans and sweatshirt seem like something off a designer rack. Sometimes she couldn’t decide whether she preferred Lexa with her clothes on or off. Then she corrected herself; off. Definitely off. 

“Clarke?” She turned, startled out of her thoughts by a familiar voice. “How are you?” 

“Finn?” She blinked a couple of times, bringing herself back to the present. “Hey! I’m uh, fine. How have you been?” She ran a hand through her hair, suddenly feeling off kilter. They hadn’t been in touch since their fight; had a month gone by? What was _happening_ to the days, and time? She gave Finn the once over; he’d lost weight; his crumpled T-shirt hung loosely over his wide frame and his jeans were dirty and they sagged. His hair was overgrown and slightly greasy, and a dark stubble covered his face. His eyes drooped at their sides; he looked rough. Clarke bit her lip; this is exactly what she had been afraid of. Finn wasn’t taking care of himself at all. He cleared his throat. “I, uh, I’m okay. Better, actually. Decided to try cooking for a change instead of takeout.” She glanced down at his basket; at least that had some fresh fruit and vegetables, and she could make out some sausages and a steak. Maybe he was making some kind of an effort.

She smiled to lighten the mood. “Did you look up that chef’s COVID-cooking videos? Are they any good?”

Finn smiled back and nodded. “Yeah, I actually tried a couple of things. That ravioll you said looked nice, and the pot pie. And hey, I didn’t burn the place down.” He trailed off, staring at her.

Clarke shifted from foot to foot. Was it weird that she hadn’t thought of him very much in the past month? Maybe to someone else, but she’d been a little preoccupied, to say the least. She tried to think of something else to say to him; the silence was getting awkward. She opened her mouth. “Mom’s home, finally.” 

“I miss you.” Finn said at the exact same time. “Oh, wow, that’s great. You must be relieved.”

Her eyes widened. “Oh.” She scratched her head. “Yeah, I am. Thanks. Me too.” 

Finn hesitated. “Clarke, are you done thinking about us? I need an answer from you.” He looked down, his shoulders drooping slightly. “Even if….even if it’s a no. I need to know; I’ve been sitting around wondering if you’ll ever take me back. And that’s a real mindfuck, especially because of this COVID crap.”

Oh shit. Clarke wanted to kick herself. Finn still thought they were taking a break. She was an idiot; she looked down, tracing lines on the floor with her toe, her hands in her back pocket. Taking a deep breath, she looked at him a few moments later. “Finn, what we had was….easy. And fun, and comfortable. Now that I’ve had some time to think about it, you were what I needed….at a specific time in my life.” She paused. “But, I realized that for me, we were buddies who tried for something more. And that...that wasn’t fair to you.”

Finn nodded, his jaw clenching. “Okay. So what you’re saying is that you never loved me like I love...like I felt about you.”

She looked away. “I loved you differently. I still do; I miss the fun we had. But, I don’t think I want to get back together. I need...to be with myself, to figure out what’s going on with me.” She looked at him imploringly. “Can you understand where I’m coming from?”

Finn looked crestfallen; his eyes pooled with tears. He looked up and smiled, sadly. “Yeah. Yeah, I get it.” He stuck two fingers in his eyes to try and brush away the tears gruffly. “Shit. I was expecting this and it still hurts.”

“Don’t touch your eyes!” Clarke burst out. They both looked at each other a moment, then laughed, breaking the tension. Finn shook his head. “This is all so weird. How did we end up here?” He gave a big sigh. 

Clarke wiped a stray tear from her cheek. “I know. I can’t even give you a hug.” She held her arms out and embraced the empty air in front of her.

Finn laughed again. “Hey, I’ll take what I can get.” He looked unsure for a moment. “I think I need some time; but, do you think we could be friends again? When I’m ready?”

Clarke nodded. “Always. I’m here for you, I am.” She meant it.

He nodded. “Me too; for you. But I get you want to be alone.” They were interrupted by the store announcement. _Ladies and gentlemen, we are now fifteen minutes from closing, Please head over to the check out aisles with your items; we appreciate your cooperation in these tough times. Everyone stay safe!_

Finn took a step back. “I should get going. Maybe I’ll call you sometime.” 

Clarke nodded. “Please do. Whenever you’re ready. And take care of yourself, please.“

He nodded, walking away, half turning back, raising a hand to wave at her. “Bye, Clarke.” She saw a flash of his old self in his smile.

“Bye, Finn.” She smiled warmly at him, blowing him a kiss, waiting until he turned the corner before exhaling. Phew.

*****

Lexa froze mid-step as she watched Clarke smile and blow a kiss at Finn. What was going on? She thought back to the conversation she’d overheard between them weeks ago; it seemed like so much longer. She had wondered if she should bring it up since then, but Clarke hadn’t mentioned Finn once, either. Hmm. But wait, hadn’t Clarke said they were on a break until she had a chance to figure out what she wanted? But just now, they looked like they were...a thing again. Did this mean, did this mean they were back together? Lexa’s heart was racing; she wanted to march up to Clarke and kiss her hard right there, in front of everyone, in front of Finn. She clenched her phone so tightly she thought she would bend the frame. But, she wasn’t really in a position to stake any claims herself, was she? She looked away, rolling her jaw in thought; she had to talk to Costia. After this rave thing, she was going to do it. And then she was going to ask Clarke what she wanted. This was getting too much; she was suddenly very annoyed; with herself, with the world, with the circumstances, with fucking _everything_. Squaring her shoulders, she walked up to Clarke, trying to look as nonchalant as possible. “Was that Finn? Everything okay between you two?”

Clarke nodded, collecting herself. She paused; Lexa didn’t really talk to her about Costia, so she shouldn’t really say much about Finn, either. “Yeah, all good. Nothing to worry about.” She smiled at Lexa, wondering why she suddenly looked like a storm cloud. “Come on, grumpus. Let’s get out of here; it’s getting late.”

Lexa relaxed a little; there was no point in making a scene right now; but she was going to get to the bottom of this very, very soon. She felt a sour taste rising in her mouth, she swallowed hard to push it down; jealousy tasted awful. 

Clarke, noticing what she had in her hand, squealed with delight. “Lex! Jelly beans!” She grabbed the packet from Lexa’s hands, examining it closely. “All my favourite flavours!”

She pulled her close, leaning in for a quick kiss. “My hero.”

Lexa smiled shyly. Maybe they were going to be okay. Right? Right? 

Clarke linked their arms as she pulled Lexa towards the checkout aisle, swinging them gently. 

Neither of them saw Finn standing at the very back, squeezing a milk carton so hard it was crumpling in his hand, his face turning redder with anger and confusion with each passing second.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merde.


	33. Watch me watch you

Clarke checked her phone for the time: 4:22PM. It was a slow day for work, a rare lull in the flurry of activity that had been the last couple of months for her. She stood up from her desk, stretching; it wouldn’t hurt to take it a little easy today. She walked over to her closet, raising her arms to rest her hands above her head as she idly took in its contents. What were you supposed to wear to an online rave? She chewed her lower lip thoughtfully; this would have been much easier if she was actually on the beach, and not in her house. Then it hit her; she _did_ live on the beach. She hurried downstairs, past Lexa who was sitting in the living room working on lesson plans, and onto the back porch. Quickly, she began rearranging the furniture, stacking the chairs and bringing them inside, setting them up in a makeshift corner in the living room. Lexa looked up at her quizzically, watching her flurry of movement with raised eyebrows. She followed Clarke out to the deck, leaning against the open French windows. “What’s all this?"

Clarke pushed the love seat all the way to the corner of the back deck, and set the coffee table next to it. “Thought we needed a dance floor for the rave tonight.” 

Lexa grinned. “So we’re taking this seriously, huh?” 

Clarke shrugged. “I mean, why not? We’ve got the beach right here, so let’s make the most of it?” She waved her hand in the direction of the water. “Bet this will be an interesting raving experience for you.”

Lexa nodded, raising an eyebrow to look at Clarke. “Oh, I have no doubt about that.” She turned to get dinner started. Clarke’s enthusiasm was infectious; she didn’t feel like working anymore today either.

Clarke opened the door to the basement, clicking on the overhead bulb with a string. She descended the steps carefully. “This is where all of our college junk went to die.”

Lexa heard her moving things around, and felt boxes being shifted. A few minutes later, Clarke emerged, dusty and slightly out of breath. She held up a disco ball packaged in plastic in her right hand; in her left was a small strobe lamp. “Remember these?” 

Lexa brought her hands together with a clap. “Yes! That time Raven decided to throw that all-night rager for the entire dorm for…..what was the charity?” 

“Clowns Without Borders.”

“Oh my god, yes! Good cause, but why did we support that one, especially?”

“To get last minute approval for the party. And that’s how we escaped that rule violation fine when half the campus showed up. We raised a shit ton of money.” Clarke shook her head; they’d had some good times. 

Lexa smiled. “We’ve had some great times.” They looked at each other, revelling in their shared nostalgia. Clarke cleared her throat. “So, what do you think?”

Lexa gave her the thumbs up. “I think it’s great; let’s put them up.” They had the disco ball and the strobe set up in about ten minutes. Lexa jumped off the love seat; Clarke held up both hands for a double high-five. “Teamwork! I’m getting really excited about this, actually.” Lexa held on to her hands to pull her in for a kiss. “You’re making me excited about this.”

Clarke tapped her nose with a finger. “Why, jaded from a decade of raving hard?”

Lexa paused, then shook her head. “It’s not even that. You’re just….making me see things with new eyes.”

Clarke put her arms around Lexa’s neck. “Considering everything you’ve seen, that’s a real compliment, Woods.”

Lexa leaned in for another kiss. “Don’t underestimate yourself, Griffin.” Clarke blushed, a warm feeling spreading out from her heart through her entire body. 

The sound of the oven timer going off distracted them; Lexa gently disentangled herself from Clarke, and went inside to prep dinner. Clarke followed her; she went upstairs to wash off the dust and grime from the basement.

******

After dinner, they hung on the couch, watching TV, sitting side by side, just enjoying some quiet time. Finally, Lexa stretched, looking at the time; she turned to Clarke. “Are you changing for this thing?” 

Clarke looked sideways at her. “I dunno. Are you?” She looked down at herself; she was still wearing a polka dotted blouse and jeans from her workday. “I feel like I need to, just to keep up some semblance of reality, and to keep to the artificial barriers of work and fun?”

Lexa cast a glance at herself. “Fair. I should probably shed my schoolteacher persona.”

Clarke looked at her. “I mean, I’d think it was really cool if my teacher was a raver.”

Lexa laughed. “But the real question is, would you think it was equally cool if your raver was a schoolteacher?”

Clarke nodded. “Good point. And, no, we’re not that evolved yet.”

They got up to change; after mulling over it for a bit, Clarke decided on a pair of denim short shorts, one of her bikini tops, and a crochet crop-top over it. She decided to leave her hair loose; the humidity had curled it some naturally, and she frankly couldn’t be bothered to do anything with it. She stepped into the bathroom and spent a few minutes on her eyes and lips; her makeup enthusiasm was almost always at a bare minimum; tonight would be no different. She took a look at herself in the full-length mirror; she was rocking the COVID-rave-chic look, whatever the hell that was. She figured she was already ahead of the curve since she wasn’t showing up in sweats.

She found Lexa sitting at the kitchen table, rolling a joint; she was dressed even more simply than Clarke, in black and grey embroidered harem pants and a black bikini top, and her thick hair was tied back messily at the top of her head; as Clarke watched, she licked the end of the roll to close off the joint. Then, holding it between her lips, she lit it, inhaling a couple of times before she looked up and saw Clarke, and held it out to her. “Still had some left over from my run to the store before the lockdown, though we might have to look up online ordering soon.” Clarke nodded, taking the joint from her and drawing in a couple of puffs. They passed it back and forth; Lexa eyed Clarke’s outfit. “You look great.” Clarke smiled sweetly at her; she was realizing that Lexa almost always noticed, and complimented her outfits. “Raving in the time of COVID. You do, too.” They finished up and she put out the joint. “Shall we go check this thing out?” 

Lexa nodded, working herself up out of her chair; this was good, strong weed that she hoped would do the trick. She’d already set up the stream on the deck; as they walked out back, Clarke could see a blonde woman testing out her mic and headphones, and playing with loops and dials on her controller. The disco ball and strobe on their porch were already rolling and reflecting the lights in all directions; all in all, it wasn’t too bad for a homemade rave. The deep bass rhythms were emanating from Lexa’s bluetooth speaker which, all things being equal, was doing a pretty good job of projecting the music without losing the intended effect overall. It was daytime in Goa, and Clarke could see the stream was set up in a garden with lush tropical foliage and the sun shining brightly; she could even make out a bird or two hopping about in the bushes behind the deejay. As she watched, a woman with long dreadlocks danced into the screen, keeping in time with the beat of the music, making her way to the deejay, slinging her arm around her neck to pull her close; Clarke recognized her from the photos she’d seen; it was Costia. The deejay took off her headphones as Costia spoke to her up close, brushing her lips against her ear. She threw her head back and laughed, which made Costia do the same, slipping an arm around the woman’s waist; they seemed pretty close. She glanced over at Lexa, who was watching the screen at the same time as setting up her laptop stand to eye level; her face was completely impassive. 

Costia looked at the screen on her side, and her face suddenly lit up; she jumped away from the deejay, and waved, a big smile on her face. “Lex, hi!! There you are!” She waved at the screen enthusiastically, bringing her face close to the screen as if to kiss it. The deejay said something to her in the background; Costia didn’t even turn her head; she just waved a hand behind her, half-heartedly.

Lexa smiled and waved. “Hey, Cos! Looking good!”

Costia was wearing bikini bottoms with a belt of metal coins around her waist, and a lycra top with slits a half inch apart all the way from top to bottom, on every side; it hugged her curves tightly. Her arms were covered in bracelets and bangles, which clinked against each other as she moved. She grinned, turning around to let Lexa see her outfit more fully. “You like it? It’s from the collection I showed you a couple of months ago.” She squinted at their screen, taking in the disco ball and strobe light. “Great setup, your dance floor looks super legit.” Spotting Clarke, she waved, motioning for her to come closer. “Hi! You must be Clarke!” Her smile was open and full; Clarke smiled in spite of herself. “In the flesh. It’s so nice to finally meet you. Thanks for inviting me.”

Costia laughed; it sounded like a cross between a hyena and a sunflower, and Clarke saw a flash of white teeth. “Of course! Like I told Lex, we’re all friends here. I’m so glad you joined us; it’s really great to meet you, too. I hope we can actually meet properly soon.” Costia paused. “How are you doing? Lexa not bothering you too much?”

Clarke felt a pang of protectiveness rise up inside her. “Gosh, no. She’s great company, actually. It’s really good to see her after all these years; we were really good friends in college, so it’s nice to reconnect.”

Costia nodded. “Don’t I know it.” She looked wistful. “Yeah, Raven mentioned you were all pretty tight back then. Glad you two are getting to reconnect.” She paused. “And thanks for keeping Lex company while I get there.” She smiled, her expression giving away nothing.

Clarke’s eyebrow shot up. That wasn’t shade, was it? “You’re welcome. I think Lexa’s quite enjoying reconnecting with her old friends.”

Before she could respond, Costia was called away by someone off screen. She looked distracted. “I’ll be right back.” She turned away, but then turned back. “We’re starting soon; you and a couple of other people have two-way access to the stream; everyone else is watch only.” She blew a kiss in their direction. “If I’m not back before we begin, have fun! Lex, love you; I’ll talk to you soon, baby.” She walked off, leaving only the deejay in focus. Clarke turned to Lexa; she was watching them intently, her expression completely stone faced and unreadable. 

The deejay turned the music up; Clarke looked at Lexa; she was starting to feel the weed. Along with the sounds of the waves and the general surrealness of the entire thing, she was starting to feel her guard being let down; the music got even louder, the beat more focused, and faster. She closed her eyes and began to take in the music, moving her body to the frenetic beat. Before she knew it, she felt Lexa’s hands wrap around her waist; Lexa pulled her close, falling in line with her movements. Clarke enjoyed the feeling of having her close, and of letting her senses take it all in: the sound of the ocean, the feel of Lexa’s body against hers, the hypnotic repetition of the music, until it all seemed to be moulding into one synergistic sensory experience of thought, sound and smell. She was missing taste; she leaned in and kissed Lexa without hesitation, knowing the second their lips touched that this was exactly what she had been craving. 

Once they had broken off the kiss, they went back to dancing, stepping back to allow movement, but still close enough to reach out and touch each other, which they did every few seconds. Lexa looked up at the screen; Costia was back, and she was dancing against a tall, lean man; she recognized him as Dev. She watched them together; Costia seemed to be enjoying herself. A few seconds later, Costia moved towards the screen, fixing her eyes on the camera. “This one’s for you, Lex.” She began moving her body in undulating waves which, when combined with her armful of jewellery, made her look golden and serpentine. Lexa looked over at the screen, her eyes widening. She’d danced with Costia like this so many times; it was weird to watch her on screen now, and not be able to be there in person. She watched Costia for a few moments, temporarily slowing her own movements in tune with the music.

Clarke, sensing the change in Lexa’s rhythm, looked at her, and seeing where Lexa’s gaze was focused, moved away from her. She watched Costia’s performance on screen; she had to give it to her; the woman was sexy as hell. In the background, she noticed the deejay’s eyes fixated on her. She knew Costia was playing it up for the camera, for Lexa. She didn’t really blame her. If Lexa was hers, she’d do the same. Actually, if Lexa was hers, she’d have found a way to get to her, lockdown or no lockdown. Sensing Lexa’s focus being directed to the screen more and more, she turned towards the kitchen, deciding to get herself a glass of water. Just as she reached the door, she felt Lexa slip her arms around her, and draw her back to their dance floor and into her embrace. Lexa rested her forehead against the back of Clarke’s head, moving them both to the beat, which had only gotten faster and more aggressive, but also even simpler to keep up with; Clarke leaned into her, feeling the music wash over them both; she was stoned, the warm ocean air felt calming, Lexa was holding her tight, and she felt lulled into a sense of weightlessness; she needed something to anchor her; she turned around, and kissed Lexa, hard. 

On screen, Costia had moved over to dance with the deejay; she reached over and laced her arms around her neck, leaning in to kiss her. She turned her head slightly as if watching the screen on her end.

Lexa was completely lost in the music, in the pleasant lightheadedness of the weed, and most of all, of having Clarke in her arms, their bodies moving as one to the purposefully mesmerizing beat. She kissed Clarke back with passion, without a thought or care in her mind. They were both here together, and in that moment, absolutely nothing else mattered. She felt Clarke run her hands down her back, and felt her tongue find its way into her mouth; she was fast losing track of why they were still dancing, and not in bed ripping each other’s clothes off. Come to think of it, there was no reason why they shouldn’t have been doing that already. Lexa broke off the kiss, looking at Clarke. Her lips were swollen, her eyes were slightly glazed over, and she was looking at Lexa with the same question in her eyes. “Let’s get out of here.” Clarke nodded, leading Lexa by the hand towards the French window. Lexa turned to look at the screen; Costia was dancing up against the deejay, leaning in to kiss her; she would text her later, she looked like she was having a good time. Clarke stopped at the door to turn around halfway and kissed Lexa again. As they stumbled inside, closing the door haphazardly, they didn’t realize Costia had walked up closer to the screen; her eyes followed them as far as she could see into the house as they headed upstairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Popcorn, anyone?


	34. If you leave the light on, I'll leave the light on

Lexa sighed, fluttering her eyes open. She tried to move, but Clarke had her pinned down on her stomach; Clarke’s head rested in between her shoulder blades, and her hand was intertwined with Lexa’s own, resting by Lexa’s head. She could feel Clarke’s breasts pressing into her back, and her soft breath against her left shoulder. All in all, she was quite pleasantly squished, apart from a slight crick in her neck, which was beginning to get more pronounced as she woke up. She shifted, gently releasing Clarke’s hand, as she tried to get out from under Clarke without waking her. She reached for her phone with her free hand. Wow. It was just after dawn, but she was wide awake. Clarke rolled off her and onto her side, tucking her chin into herself as she pulled the sheets up over her, still fast asleep. Lexa sat up, rubbing her eyes. Looking over at Clarke, she saw a purplish bruise forming on her right shoulder; she rubbed the back of her neck, suddenly feeling a little shy. She had a feeling that wasn’t the only hickey on Clarke’s body she was going to be responsible for. Turning on her phone’s camera, she inspected her own chest and shoulders. She found a couple of deep lovebites; one on her right breast, and the other on the left side of her neck. She raised her eyebrows, smiling to herself. Clarke had been wild last night, and hadn’t hesitated to leave her mark, but then, apparently she’d returned the favour, too. She leaned over to kiss the dark spot on Clarke’s shoulder, inhaling her scent for a second; then, sliding off the covers, she quickly slipped into sweatpants and a tank top, and grabbing her phone, closed the bedroom door behind her quietly, heading downstairs. As she walked into the kitchen, she caught a glimpse of her laptop, still on its stand on the deck outside. Shit _._ She really hoped it hadn’t rained.

She threw the screen door open, and walked up to it; luckily, there was just a thin film of morning dew covering it; she ran a finger across the screen. No damage done; she could just wipe it off with a cloth. The laptop came on, its motion sensors activated. _Thanks for tuning in to our LOVE party everyone! Remember, stay safe, love each other hard, and we’ll see you under the Goa stars when this all over. SENDING OUT A BIG VIRTUAL GROUP HUG TO YOU ALL! XOXO._ Lexa scrolled through the comments quickly as she walked back inside. _Costia, thank you, beautiful soul for putting this up!; You lovely folks saved my life last night, this was the most fun I’ve had in MONTHS!; Costia, you legend, you goddess….Lexa is so damn lucky._ There was an endless stream of hearts, kisses and similar messages. Lexa shook her head; it looked like Costia had worked her usual magic, global pandemic be damned. She smiled, then sighed. She _was_ very lucky to have Costia in her life, though she wasn’t sure what they were doing anymore. They had to talk; she was tired of the back and forth in her head between Clarke and Costia. Watching them interact last night had been so strange; it was like watching her two alternate realities collide; did that mean her universe was going to implode?

She thought back to seeing Costia with the deejay and Dev; it was obvious they were having a good time together, and she was happy to see Costia lighter and freer than she had been since this whole thing had begun. She’d felt a few prickles of unease when Costia had kissed the deejay, but she’d had pushed them away quickly, determined not to let them get the better of her. And then Costia had danced just for her, like she had every time when she would perform with her fire batons on stage, with audiences of thousands mesmerized by her, but Costia’s eyes would never leave Lexa’s. That had taken her right back to the times when they were their happy, carefree selves. She turned on the coffee pot, shaking her head; for the sake of their incredible memories alone, they needed to sort this out. Lexa owed her that much; she needed to talk to her about Clarke. She pulled up the messages on her phone. _Cos, last night was….amazing. You knocked it out of the park, as usual. Thank you, I didn’t even realize how much I needed that pick me up. Can we talk soon? We need to catch up. Xoxo_

She poured herself a large mug of coffee, and went out to the back deck, slumping into the love seat; she was going to cut herself some slack and skip her morning run; she was glad Clarke and she had been able to loosen up a little and shake off the tension of being locked up; they hadn’t partied together in so long. Her thoughts drifted back to a Saturday night in senior year, when Lexa had just gotten back to her room after leaving a campus party earlier than the rest of her friends; she had lacrosse practice the next morning, and needed to be ready for a tough session; their most important meets were coming up. She had just finished getting ready for bed and had slipped into an old t-shirt and shorts, when there had been a knock at the door. Furrowing her brow, she went up the door and opened it a crack; Clarke stood there, smiling and waving, an open and half empty bottle of vodka in her hand. She opened the door fully.  
  
“Hi! Where'd you go?” Clarke leaned against the doorframe, swaying slightly. 

Lexa smiled at her gently. “I told you I was going home, remember? I have lacrosse in the morning.”

Clarke grinned at her dopily, taking a swig of the vodka. “Mmmm. Lacrosse; that uniform….so hot.” She held out the bottle to Lexa. “Wantsshhome?”

Lexa sighed; Clarke was trashed; there went her full night’s sleep. She took the bottle from Clarke, pulling her into the room with one hand, and leading her to a chair. She set the bottle down on her desk. “No, and maybe you should stop, too.” She looked at Clarke’s hands; she didn’t have her bag with her. “Did you bring your keys? I’ll walk you to your room.”

Clarke stood up, shaking her head, throwing her arms around Lexa. “Nope. I missed you. I missed you so much.” She nuzzled Lexa’s neck, resting her head on Lexa’s shoulder, looking up at her, smiling. “You’re shhho pretty, Lex.” 

Lexa blushed; she knew this familiar rabbit hole; Clarke and she usually ended up having a hardcore and heated make out session precisely because of things like those that Clarke had said to her, though she was usually way more sober than this. Putting an arm around Clarke’s waist, she walked them over her bedside table, where she picked up her phone to text Raven. _Hey Ray, Clarke’s here with me; she’s trashed. Might get her to crash in our room, think she’s lost her keys and phone._

Raven’s response came back quickly. _No, I have them. Glad she’s with you; let her have my bed. Don’t think I’ll be using it tonight. ;)_

Lexa grinned. So Raven. She turned to Clarke, getting her to sit down gently on her bed, taking off her shoes one by one. She stood up to help Clarke out of her jacket; as she turned to put it away on the chair, Clarke flopped down sideways on Lexa’s bed, and splayed out across it. “Lex, come here……I want to cuddle.”

Oh no. “Clarke, how about you get some sleep, and we can cuddle tomorrow?” Lexa moved to tuck Clarke into her own bed; looks like she’d have to sleep in Raven’s instead. As she moved the sheet to cover her, Clarke reached out and grabbed her by the wrist, pulling her down; Lexa lost her balance and landed on top of Clarke, their faces inches apart. Clarke smiled at her triumphantly. “Gotcha.” She threw her arms around Lexa’s neck, pulling her down. “C’mere.” She connected their lips, flipping Lexa over to sit on top of her as she began running her hands through Lexa’s hair. Lexa's reaction was pure instinct; she pulled Clarke close as Clarke began raining hot, wet kisses all the way down her neck. Before she knew what was happening, Clarke had reached for Lexa’s t-shirt and pulled it up over her head; Lexa wasn’t wearing a bra. Clarke stopped short, her mouth falling open, her eyes popping wide. “Whoa. They’re...you’re so beautiful.” She lunged forward, drunkenly cupping Lexa's breasts in her hands. Lexa closed her eyes; Clarke’s mouth was back on her neck; shit, that felt amazing. But, Clarke was drunk, and if she wanted to take this further, which Lexa wouldn’t be opposed to, she needed her to tell her that when she was in her right mind. She gently lifted Clarke’s hands off her; Clarke looked at her, pouting. “Whyyyyyyy?? I want you, Lex, _so_ _bad_.”

Lexa nodded. “Me too. I want you, too. But not like this, Clarke. Let’s just sleep now, okay? And we can talk about it tomorrow?”

Clarke looked crestfallen; Lexa kissed her softly. Clarke smiled and nodded. “Okay. Tomorrow. We’ll kiss lots tomorrow. And do other things.” 

Lexa gently rolled Clarke off her, letting her get comfortable; she reached to the floor and put her top back on. As she tried to slip off the bed, Clarke reached for her again, pulling her down next to her. “Don’t go.” Clarke tucked herself into Lexa, sighing as she fell asleep in seconds.

Lexa lay awake for a while, her arm around Clarke, thinking about what she had just said. She was totally okay with taking whatever was happening with Clarke to the next level; but how many levels were there to this, and would she just be climbing up a pyramid, only to be pushed off once she made it the top?

Lexa was pulled back from her thoughts by her phone buzzing. Costia’s response was short. _Tonight. 9PM your time. Let’s talk._ She frowned, trying to quell the sudden unease in her stomach.


	35. Through the storm I hear your voice, does it all come down to my choice?

Clarke watched Lexa pick through her pasta as she poked at each piece one by one, spun the fork around in her hand a couple of times and took a bite; she’d barely said a word all throughout dinner; in fact, she had barely spoken to her after breakfast.

Earlier that day, Clarke had woken up to find her breakfast ready and warm, with Lexa sitting on the back porch and finishing up her lesson plans from the previous day, drinking coffee in her sweats. Lexa had put back all the furniture in its usual place; the only sign of the party from the night before was the disco ball which was still up, spinning slowly as it caught the sunlight, leaving pretty patterns across the deck, and all over Lexa. She caught sight of a large hickey on Lexa’s neck, and blushed. Last night had been incredible, and she hadn’t been able to help herself; seeing Costia interact with Lexa had triggered something inside of her. She’d needed to show Lexa what she couldn’t say to her in words. Lexa looked up, sensing her presence. She smiled a lazy smile. “Hi. Sleep well?”

Clarke nodded, walking up to sit beside her. She stretched. “Wow, yeah. I feel like all this tension I’ve been holding up inside me for a couple of months has been let out. “And, you helped; you were electric.” She leaned in to kiss Lexa, pulling away to gently touch the mark on her neck. 

Lexa looked into her eyes. “I could say the same about you; that’s not the only one you’ve left.”

Clarke blushed, looking down, tucking her hair behind her ear. “I couldn’t stop myself. Sorry.”

Lexa raised her hand to her lips. “Oh, don’t be. I’m not.” 

They looked at each a few minutes, flashes of their night running through their minds. Clarke sat back, looking around; she was getting wound up again just from thinking about what they’d done to each other. She cleared her throat. “Costia is….very cool. And she sure knows how to throw a party.” Her interaction with Costia had initially left her confused, but having Lexa to hold her had helped a lot; she had sensed Costia’s longing to be in her place, especially when she had tried to catch Lexa’s attention. But then, Costia seemed to be having a pretty good time herself. Clarke thought about it for a moment; Lexa and she had been on fire last night; had that come across on the dance floor, too? Had Costia picked up on their chemistry? What was Lexa going to do? Should she just ask her? She looked at Lexa, gauging her reaction. 

A strange expression flashed across Lexa’s face. Was it trepidation? “Yeah, that was a much more toned down version of what her parties are like, but same general vibe. It was a hit, from the comments." She smiled a little stiffly. “We’re talking this evening.” She looked at Clarke, a serious expression on her face.

Clarke raised an eyebrow. “Oh? That’s good isn’t it? You haven’t spoken in a few days, right?” Lexa nodded. “Please thank her again from me.” She paused, then asked softly. “Everything okay, Lex?”

Lexa looked like she might say something, but then she tightened her jaw. Clarke saw the exact moment the wall went up; it was like Lexa’s eyes were suddenly glinting with steel, devoid of any emotion. She gave a short nod, once. “Yeah, fine. We just need to talk; it’s been a while.”

Clarke looked into her eyes for a couple of moments, wondering if they would give anything away. Finally, she nodded. “Okay, well, if you need to talk about anything, I’m here.” Squeezing Lexa’s thigh, she gave her a quick smile, and headed inside to shower. She knew she wouldn’t be able to get another word out of Lexa even if she tried to pry it out with clamps; she would just have to wait until she was ready to open up to her. Lexa was nervous though, there was no doubt about that. 

Now, at dinner, she watched Lexa push her plate away, and stand up. “Not hungry?”

Lexa shook her head, _no_. “Yeah. Just….off today. Maybe lockdown has taken the partier out of me.” She grabbed her headphones off the counter, plugging them into her phone. “Actually, I think I’m going to go for a walk on the beach. You won’t mind if I leave you alone with dinner?”

Clarke shook her head. “No, go for it. Whatever you need. What time are you talking to Costia? I’ll give you two your space.”

Lexa looked a little relieved. “Nine; and you don’t have to, I don’t want to cramp your style.”

Clarke gave her a reassuring smile. “You won’t. I wanted to call it an early night anyway; I’m getting to the really good parts of my book.” 

Lexa nodded. “Thanks, Clarke.” She smiled. “I guess I’ll see you later.” She turned and walked out the front door, shutting it quietly behind her. Clarke watched her leave; she chewed her bottom lip thoughtfully. Something was definitely up; she was very, very curious about this conversation, but she would have to be patient for now. She took in a big, deep breath, and let it out slowly.

******

As she walked along the shore, Lexa’s thoughts took her back to the first time she met Costia; it was her second week in Goa, and she was just settling in, finding her bearings. Anya had popped by her bungalow one evening, just as she was getting back from a swim in the ocean. “Lexa, chop chop. I’m taking you out tonight. Two weeks is enough time to get over your Peace Corps hangover.”

Lexa grinned; of course Anya wouldn’t let her be for absolutely longer than necessary. “Cool. Where are we going?”

“Only to the finest establishment in town. Friend of mine owns a place that also throws the best beach parties around here.”

They’d headed over after dinner; as Lexa walked in with Anya, a woman waved at them enthusiastically. “Anya! About damn time!” She came over and threw her arms around Anya, who picked her up and twirled her around; she threw her headful of dreadlocks back and laughed; it was such a carefree sound. Setting her down, Anya brought her over to Lexa. “Lexa, meet Costia. The owner of this magical place, and the connoisseur of all things cool.”

She had a lovely, friendly smile, and her eyes travelled over Lexa’s face as she greeted her. “Hi, Lexa! Anya tells me you’re new to Goa. Welcome to our little piece of paradise.” Lexa grinned and stuck her hand out. “Nice to meet you, Costia.”

Costia laughed, pulling her in for a hug. “If we’re going to be friends, you need to know something about me; I’m a hugger through and through.” She released Lexa, winking at her. “Come on, let’s get you a drink.” Lexa followed her, instantly charmed. Anya watched her with a smile. “You’re in good hands; you’ll see.”

Lexa smiled at that memory; that had been almost eight years ago now; how had time flown so quickly? The more she thought about it, the more she realized that Costia had become a near-permanent fixture in almost everything she had done in Goa since then. Between her and Anya, they had ensured that Lexa never sank so far into herself that she couldn’t find her way back out. Like the time Costia had caught her sitting off toward the side on the beach, as Anya danced the night away at yet another party Costia was hosting at her bar. “Hey, Lexa. Not feeling it tonight?” Lexa shook her head; she was totally lost in thoughts of Clarke; she missed her so damn much, sometimes. It had been almost three years since graduation, since they had spoken, and sometimes she wished none of the last three years had happened, if she could only get to see Clarke one more time. “Yeah, sorry. Just….not here tonight.” 

Costia nodded. “I get it. If I didn’t own the place, I wouldn’t be here all the time, either. But hey, life’s a party.” She shrugged, rolling her eyes. Lexa laughed. Costia looked at her. “What would you rather be doing?”

Lexa paused for a second; she couldn’t really tell her what was on her mind, so she decided to be silly. “Playing Monopoly?”

Costia laughed. “Not what I was expecting, but not a bad idea either.” She held out her hand to Lexa. “Want to get out of here? I live five minutes away; and I have Monopoly.”

“What about the party?” Lexa jerked her thumb towards it.

Costia waved her hand nonchalantly. “I’m sure they can take care of themselves for one night.”

Lexa smiled, taking her hand to stand up. Why not? They played Monopoly late into the night, drinking beers in Costia’s garden, making fun of each other’s property choices. Lexa hadn’t laughed like that in a long time.

There were so many memories; they were coming to Lexa so fast now. Like the time she had found Anya sitting on her front porch as she got back from college, her head spinning with physics equations. Anya looked up at her. “Costia broke up with me.” 

Lexa’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh shit. Want to come in?”

Anya nodded; they went into the kitchen, and Lexa handed her a beer. “What happened?”

Anya shrugged. “Dunno, really. I thought we were doing okay.” She took a swig. “She told me there may be someone else.”

Lexa raised her eyebrow. “ _May_ be? What’s that supposed to mean?”

Anya looked at her and sighed. “Who knows, with Costia? But, I respect the fact that she was honest.”

“Are you okay?” 

Anya nodded. “I think so; I mean, it sucks. But we’re still friends. And that’s what’s most important to me.” Lexa nodded, making a mental note to go check on Costia later.

Six months later, she was hanging out with Costia one night, sitting at the bar, keeping her company as she fixed drinks. They both looked over at Anya, who was wrapped up in the arms of her new girlfriend, dancing while trying to balance a coconut on her head. They laughed at her antics; she seemed happy with Leia. Lexa looked over at Costia. “You doing okay?”

Costia nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine. It’s nice to see Anya happy. We’re in a great place; she’s such a good friend.”

Lexa nodded. “You know, the day you two broke up, she came over. She said you told her there was someone else.”

Costia nodded. “Yeah, I wanted to be honest with her.” 

Lexa nodded. “She appreciated that; that was good of you.” She shrugged. “But, I don’t see anyone new. Who is it, Cos?”

Costia finished wiping the glass in her hand. Before she turned away, she bent her head a little to look into Lexa’s eyes. Her smile was shy, but still confident. “Who do you think?” She turned and walked away, her hips swaying slowly. Lexa felt the heat rising up her cheeks. Oh. _Oh._

A week later, Lexa and Anya were walking back from their weekly water polo practice. Anya looked over at her. “What’s up, kiddo? You’ve been quiet today.”

Lexa nodded, clearing her throat. “So, uh, I’ve been thinking that uh, something may be happening between Costia and me.” She rubbed the back of her neck. “Nothing’s happened yet, I promise.” She looked a little apprehensive. “And nothing will, if you’re not cool with it. I just wanted to talk to you first.” 

Anya looked at her for a moment; then she laughed, hugging Lexa’s shoulders. “I know, Lexa. I figured it out a few months ago; Costia’s been giving you heart eyes for a while; I was wondering when you’d notice. It’s cool, really. We’re just good friends now.” She eyed Lexa. “Frankly, it will be great for you to finally move on from Clarke.”

Lexa blushed. Maybe Anya was right; maybe it was time to forget about Clarke; it had been almost five years. There wasn’t any point, was there? Clarke was firmly in her past now. And Costia was here, and present. “Okay. You’re right. Thanks, Anya.” Anya just smiled and nodded, giving her the thumbs up.

Lexa rolled over in Costia’s bed as the bright morning light filtered in through the window; she would never get used to how quickly the day turned up the brightness in Goa. Pushing off the covers, she went to find Costia; she was sitting in the garden, working on the monthly accounting for the bar, a steaming pot of tea and cookies in front of her. “Hey, sleepyhead. Breakfast will be ready soon. But a snack until then?”

Lexa nodded, wiping the sleep from her eyes. “Mmmm. Yes. Good morning.” She reached across to peck on Costia on the lips.

Costia handed her a cup of _chai_ , then sat back. She hesitated before speaking. “Lexa, can I ask you something?” Lexa nodded. “What are we doing?” Lexa raised her eyebrows. “I mean, what do you want to happen with us?”

Lexa scratched her head. That was a great question, wasn’t it? She’d thought that three months later, she’d have forgotten about Clarke and moved on. But she knew she wasn’t there yet; and she couldn’t ask Costia to wait, could she? But this thing they had going was nice. “Well, I don’t think I’m ready for anything exclusive, honestly. But this is….great. I really like spending time with you.”

Costia looked at her intently. She put down her _chai._ “Okay. So what I’m hearing is that you like being with me, but don’t want anything serious?” 

Lexa looked hesitant. “Yet. But, I can see myself getting there; just, not yet.” She looked at Costia, licking her lips. “But I can’t ask you to wait for me, either. Unless you’d be okay with something non-exclusive.” 

Costia looked pensive; she was lost deep in thought for a few minutes; then she looked up and nodded. “Okay. Fine, let’s try it. Though I’ve never been non-exclusive with anyone before. So you’ll have to tell me what to do.”

Lexa looked at her, surprised. Huh. “Well, me neither. How about some ground rules?”

Lexa shook her head. Four years was a long time to be undecided. How had Costia been okay with it for that long? Even as she thought it, she knew the answer. She remembered Costia’s face that summer’s night, when Lexa had gone to meet her at the bar after a long day of studying stars; she was tired and looked forward to seeing her. As she reached in to kiss her, Costia’s face didn’t have its usual lightness to it. “Cos, what’s up?”

Costia said nothing; she poured herself a shot, then downed it. Finally, she looked up at Lexa. “Where were you tonight? I texted you a bunch of times.”

Lexa checked her phone, confused. Shit. It was on silent. “I was in the observatory. Working on my thesis; I told you that.”

Costia searched her face, then sighed. “Look, Lexa, I’m sorry. It’s just, sometimes I wonder where you are, who you’re with, and I know we’ve been doing this for a couple of years, but it’s still hard. I…” She paused, her eyes filling with tears suddenly. “I think I’m falling for you. Actually no, I’m already there, and I’ve been there for a while. I just, I need to know where you’re at, too.”

Lexa reached out to her, holding her close, waiting for her to calm down. Finally, she pulled away. “I’m sorry, Cos. I don’t know why it’s taking me so long. You’re amazing; we’re great together. And, I care about you….a lot. But I get it if you can’t, or don’t want to wait for me.”

Costia nodded, wiping her eyes. “See the thing is, Lexa, I love you. And to me, that means giving you what you need. So, I’ll wait as long as I need to, if that’s what you think will get you there. I just need to know that you’re loyal to _me_. I don’t care if you’re with someone else every night; I just need to know that you’ve got a place inside here that’s just for me.” She tapped gently above Lexa’s heart.

Lexa hesitated. She wasn’t quite there all the way yet; but she would be, right? She’d be able to let go of Clarke soon; already her memories weren’t so painful anymore. She nodded. “It is, Cos. That I can promise you.” Costia’s smile was worth the little white lie she had told them both; it was only a matter of time, surely.

On Lexa’s birthday last year, she’d opted to spend it alone with Costia; her PhD thesis was killing her, and she just wanted a quiet day on the beach. As they got to Costia’s place that night, she suddenly grabbed Lexa’s hand and pulled her into the garden. She knelt down on one knee; Lexa’s eyes went wide with shock. Costia laughed, holding out both her arms wide. “Lexa, baby, I love you. I love you. I love you so very much. So I’m going to ask you this tonight; if you’re there with me, if you’re ready and want to, will you be my girlfriend?”

Lexa hesitated for a second. They’d been seeing each other for four years now, and it had been easy, mostly; and they had so much fun together. Maybe this was what love was; a happy friendship, someone to share laughs with as you walked through life together. Maybe it didn’t have to be a heart wrenching, soul-churning kind of intensity that you couldn't stop craving like the air you breathed. Maybe this was better; there was less chance you’d be gutted along the way. She smiled, and pulled Costia up into her arms. “Yes. Yes, I will. Of course I will. It’s you and me now, Cos, if you’ll still have me.” Costia whooped with joy, leaving kisses all over Lexa’s face.

At her graduation party at the bar, Indra pulled her aside, gently. She gave her a long hug. “I’m so proud of you, Lexa. Really. This is a huge accomplishment.” 

Lexa smiled back at her; it was so good to have her and Gustus here, to have them see the life she had built for herself in Goa. She beamed. “I’m so happy you’re both here. You have no idea.”

Smiling, Indra linked her arm with Lexa’s walking with her towards the beach. “Now, I’m not trying to be pushy, but have you thought about what your plans are next? You don’t have to have an answer, just a direction to think in.”

Lexa nodded; she was expecting this; she’d been thinking about it for a while. “Well, actually, I was thinking of coming….home. It would be nice to be closer to Uncle Gus and you.” She inhaled deeply. “I think I’m ready.”

Indra clapped her hands once; this was the widest Lexa had ever seen her smile. “That is the best news I’ve heard in a while; we miss you, Lexa. It will be so good to see you more.” They started to walk back towards the party. Indra nudged Lexa. “By the way, Costia is just lovely.” Lexa blushed; well, wasn’t that something. Maybe things were finally falling into place for her.

Even though it was almost dawn when they crawled into bed, Lexa couldn’t fall asleep. She lay with Costia’s arms around her, her thoughts running all over the place. “I can practically hear you thinking, Lexa. What’s up?” Costia asked. 

She flicked the lamp on, and turned to look at Costia. She stroked the side of her face, gently. “Indra asked me what I wanted to do next; I told her I was thinking of going home.” Costia sat up, suddenly awake. “Oh, really? Huh. Well, that’s big news. Have you made up your mind?”

Lexa looked at her for a moment, before smiling. “I don’t know. Have I?”

Costia looked at her, confused. “What? Lex, I don’t understand.”

Lexa half sat up, propping up her head with her hand. “I mean, it’s not just my decision. It’s ours, Costia.”

Costia blinked a couple of times, looking almost owlish. Then, a slow smile spread onto her face. “Are you asking me to move with you?” Lexa nodded. “Yeah, I am. Actually, I’m not going to move without you.”

Costia leaned in, kissing her softly, resting her forehead against Lexa’s. “I don’t know how the hell we’re going to pull this off, but if you’ll be by my side, then yes. I’ll go anywhere with you, baby. Let’s do it.”

Lexa sighed deeply; the best laid fucking plans. Until two months ago, she thought she had finally figured out her shit. Then she’d laid eyes on Clarke, and everything had come crashing right back down. Once again, the universe had taken a look at her blueprints, crumpled them up into a giant ball and swallowed them whole while grinning maniacally at her. But no more. She was going to talk to Costia, and she was going to come clean about what was going on with Clarke and her. If she knew anything about Costia, it was that she was patient and generous. Lexa was optimistic they would find a way out of this, and Costia and her would hopefully be able to move on to a beautiful friendship in time. She turned around and started walking back to the house; she was ready for this.

******

Lexa got back to the house just before nine. The walk had helped her organize her thoughts some, and she had an idea of what she was going to say to Costia. She reached into the fridge for a beer, and twisting off the top, she grabbed her laptop off the kitchen counter, and headed to the living room couch. She set up Zoom and gulped half of her beer down in a single swig. The screen flashed; Costia’s face appeared on screen; she waved and smiled tightly. Lexa could see the tension around the corners of her mouth.

“Hey, Cos.” She smiled and waved. She’d never seen Costia look so serious; it was disconcerting. “How, uh, how was the wind up from last night? You did an incredible job.”

Costia nodded, once. “Thanks. It was easy and best of all, no clean up. Maybe online raves are the way to go.” She took a sip of something from a steel tumbler, which was sweating from the heat. Lexa guessed it was probably fresh coconut water, Costia’s preferred post-party rehydration beverage.

Lexa relaxed a little. She was subdued, but maybe she was just tired. She cleared her throat. “So, glad you and Clarke finally met. I realized later that I should have probably just introduced you two sooner. My bad.” 

Costia’s nostrils flared slightly. “Yeah, Clarke seems really nice. I can see you two being good friends in college.” She paused. “Did you like the deejay? That’s Maya, who I told you about.”

Lexa nodded. “Yeah, she was excellent.” She smiled, trying to lighten the mood. “You two having a good time, huh?”

Costia looked at her, shrugging. “It’s just fun; I think you could see that. What I wouldn’t give for it to be you, instead.” 

Lexa’s eyes softened. “I know, Cos, I know. This is so fucking weird.”

Costia suddenly smiled a strange half smile. “Looks like Clarke and you are having a great time, too though. I mean, it kind of looked like you don’t miss me at all.” She peered into the camera. “That’s just fun, too, right?”

Lexa looked away. “Umm, I mean, yeah. Kind of.”

Costia’s eyes narrowed. “Huh. I knew it.”

Lexa frowned. “What? What do you mean?”

Costia leaned into the camera. “I think you know exactly what I mean, Lexa.” Her eyes seemed to bore into Lexa’s; even through the screen, Lexa could feel their intensity. “Anything in particular you want to tell me?”

Lexa nodded. “Yeah, uh, actually, yeah, that’s why I wanted to talk to you.” She swallowed, then continued. “I think we need to talk about, uh, about us.”

Costia clenched her jaw. “That wasn’t my question.” She brought her hands together, resting her chin on them. “Is there _anything_ you want to tell me about you and Clarke?” 

Lexa flushed; this wasn’t how she’d laid out the conversation in her head. “Well, I, we, you know we’ve been hooking up, and uh, it’s been, it’s been intense….”

Costia gave out a short, harsh laugh. “No shit. A monkey could have seen that from outer space, blindfolded.” She looked into the camera again, her eyes suddenly blazing with emotion. “Is there something more between you two?”

Lexa opened her mouth to argue, then she stopped. “Yes.” 

Costia looked at her, incensed. “Wow. This is perfect, just perfect. This year just keeps reaching new levels of fuckery. When were you going to tell me?” 

Lexa rubbed a hand over her eyes. “Today. Now.”

Costia threw her hands up in the air. “So these feelings, they just came out of nowhere? I could _see_ how you looked at her, Lexa; it felt like shit to watch you together.” She paused, trying to collect her thoughts. “I said you could fuck her, not fall for her!” There were tears pooling in her eyes. “What are we supposed to do now?”

Lexa sighed. “I don’t know. I don’t know, Cos. I don’t know how this happened.”

Costia looked at her closely. “See, that’s where I don’t get it, Lexa.” She paused. “You’re telling me you don’t know how your feelings just blossomed over the last couple of months. That’s so _not_ you.”

Lexa looked away, not saying anything. She was right. Crap.

Something was dawning on Costia; Lexa could see the realization spreading across her face. “How long, Lexa?”

Lexa paused. “How long….what?”

Costia threw her hands up in the air, her voice rising. “Are you really going to make me spell it out for you?” She paused, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. “How long….have you had feelings for Clarke?” A pained look crossed her face as she said the words out loud.

Lexa’s face blanched. _Oh shit._ Had it been that obvious? It was Costia; of course it had. She felt her head begin to spin; the tips of her fingers and toes suddenly ran cold. She looked at Costia. “For...some time.” She looked down at her hands, cracking her knuckles with such force that it hurt.

Costia covered her nose and mouth with her hands as if in prayer, closing her eyes. She said it again, this time her voice scarcely above a whisper. “How _long_ , Lexa?”

Lexa looked at her, rolling her jaw. She felt a tidal wave rising up through her, hitting her with such force that it felt like a sucker punch in her gut; all of it, every single time she had asked herself that question over the last decade came swirling up inside her, until she could feel various versions of the one and only answer running through her in ever increasing circles, until she felt like a coil of snakes was coursing through her insides; it was a vortex, a gyre of all the thoughts, feelings and emotions engulfing her, and it felt like a poison eating at her from within. She couldn’t do it; she couldn’t keep it in anymore; she thought it would actually kill her. She took a deep breath and spoke. “Since I was nineteen years old.”

Costia’s eyes were still shut; not a muscle moved in her stunning face for a few moments; then, Lexa slowly saw the tears streaming down her face, forcing themselves out from the corner of her eyes. She dropped her head down, as if in defeat. A single, deep sob escaped from her mouth. The sound ripped through Lexa like barbed wire; as she watched, Costia’s shoulders began to shake as she burst into heavy, silent tears.

Lexa wanted to look away, but she forced herself to keep her eyes on the screen. She had tears streaming down her own face now; she couldn’t believe what she had just said out loud. Costia looked absolutely devastated, and it hurt. It hurt so much because she was the one who had done that to her. Lexa opened her mouth. “Cos, I’m so, so sorry.”

Costia raised her eyes to the camera, wiping her eyes fiercely. “Lexa, you still don’t get it, do you? Why didn’t you just tell me from the beginning? Why….how could you string me on for years?”

Lexa jerked her head up then. “I _didn’t_ string you on. What we had was real, too. So real. They were some of the best times of my life.” 

Costia snorted, a bitter laugh escaping her mouth, as more tears fell from her eyes. “How the hell do you expect me to believe that, Lexa?” She put a hand to her forehead. “And here I was, thinking that giving you time and space, giving you _everything_ you asked for, letting you work out your need to not commit to anyone, giving you _all_ of my love, would be enough to get you to love me back. But none of it made a difference, did it? You just never really _wanted_ to love me back.” She touched her hand to her lips. “I am such a fucking fool.”

Lexa looked down, speechless. Costia was right, wasn’t she? Why hadn’t Lexa been honest with her all these years? She had led her on, hadn’t she? Even though it had been because of her own indecision, she had ended up being dishonest with Costia, who had been nothing but patient and understanding, and had given her everything she’d asked for and thought she needed. Lexa ran a hand through her hair. What a fuck up she was. She looked up. “You’re not, Cos. If anyone’s a stupid fucking fool, it’s me.”

Costia’s eyes flashed. “You don’t get to do that, Lexa. You don’t get to blame yourself to make me feel sorry for you. Not this time. Let me ask you this; when I cheated, and you told me I’d hurt you because you thought I was punishing you for our non-exclusivity for the first four years, were _you_ actually punishing _me_ for my cheating by not telling me about Clarke? Because it sure as hell worked.”

Lexa shook her head. “No, Cos, no. Like you said to me, I meant it when I said I wouldn’t hold it against you. I didn’t, and I don’t. I was hurt, but we worked through it.” She shook her head again. “This has nothing to do with it.”

Costia continued. “I mean, I felt like I had destroyed something fundamental in our relationship, and you, you _let_ me believe it.” She paused. “Even though you did the same thing in a way, Lexa. I mean, were you ever even really _with_ me? Is that why you took off with Raven, leaving me behind so easily?” She shook her head, almost in wonder; her eyes were blown wide, all her emotions laid out bare in them. “I thought we understood each other; that loyalty means more than anything. I thought you were the one, Lexa. Now I wonder if anything we had was true, at all.” She slowly shook her head, as if in disbelief.

Lexa’s head shot up, sharply. After knowing her for this long, Costia knew where to shoot exactly where it would hurt the most. “Costia, I don’t expect you to forgive me for this for a long time, if you ever can; and that’s something I have to live with.” She paused, wiping her eyes. “But if you don’t believe anything else I say, believe this: I loved you, too; in a way I always will, because of what we’ve shared. But I’m sorry I couldn’t do it fully like you deserve. And that’s a weight I will carry with me for the rest of my life.”

Costia nodded; she was silent for a long time as she looked away, the tears slowing down some. Finally, she looked at the screen. Her voice was quieter, sadder. “You’ve broken my heart, Lexa. You’ve broken _me._ And you know, I kind of always thought I gave you too much power over me; but I trusted that you of all people would know what that meant: to hold someone’s heart in your hands.” She shook her head again. “Wow. Life just really comes at you from nowhere.” She reached for the tumbler, taking a long drink from it.

Lexa looked at her, sniffing. “What now, Cos? Where do we go from here?”

Costia set down her glass, wiping the corner of her mouth. “I think you’ve made it clear, Lexa. There is no “we”. So you go your way, and I’ll pick up the pieces of my life.” Her lower lip quivered. 

Lexa’s eyes widened. Costia couldn’t be serious. “What? No. No. Costia, we can’t end like this; you can’t just walk away from me. Five years, Cos; and all the time we knew each other before that. We’ve had so many good times.” Costia’s expression remained unchanged. “Will you at least think about what you want, what you need?” Lexa hesitated. “Maybe….maybe we can be friends someday?”

Costia nodded, as if making up her mind. She looked straight into the camera. “What I need, Lexa, is for you to leave me alone. I can’t even look at you anymore. As you’ve made so clear, it’s over. And so, I’m done.” She burst out into a fresh round of sobs. “I’m sorry; I need to go. Take care of yourself.” She turned off the camera abruptly; silence replaced her voice.

Lexa stared at the screen, shellshocked. How had that gone so, so wrong? She’d tried to do the right thing, and instead she’d ended up gutting Costia, someone who had been a patient, constant and light force in her life for almost eight years. And now she would never see her again.

She rose from the couch, walking silently to the front door, closing it as she walked to the beach, her steps rigid and wooden. The tide was coming in; the waves crashed hard against the shore, and she could see the storm rolling in; it couldn’t have echoed how she felt inside any more perfectly. Would she ever get it right? Was she actually good for anything? Lexa sat down in the wet sand, her arms around her legs, curling into herself tightly as the soft, warm rain washed over her, mingling with her tears until it all tasted the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so it goes, my friends.


	36. Baby, dreams tend to crumble at extremes

Clarke turned the page of her book and paused to look out the window; it was storming. She’d been listening to the thunder rolling in, and turning her head at the occasional flash of lightning as it lit up the sky in wild, explosive streaks. She could hear muffled undulating voices through the floorboards; she couldn’t make out any of the words, but she could tell from the sudden and constant changes in their pitches and tones that it was not going well; it sounded like Lexa and Costia were having a pretty serious fight. She frowned; it probably had something to do with the party. Costia had struck her as being pretty intuitive, and she wouldn’t be surprised if she was upset by the intensity between her and Lexa last night. Clarke didn’t know herself where it had come from, just that it completely swept her up, and she hadn’t been able to stop it; and it seemed like Lexa had felt the same. She’d wanted to talk to Lexa this morning, but she had seemed so preoccupied with whatever was going on between Costia and her that Clarke had stopped herself; she hoped their conversation right now would help her and Lexa, too. This whole thing had just become a game of playing ostrich, and it was wearing them all out; Clarke had seen it clearly last night, and if she had read them right, so had Costia and Lexa.

She put down her book; she had just heard the front door open and close; the voices had gone silent. She sat up; Lexa hadn’t gone out, had she? The rain was now brushing against the window in sheets, and she could hear and feel the storm getting closer. Should she go check on her? Maybe Lexa had just opened the door and shut it again when she’d seen the storm? But the house was quiet; she didn’t hear any footsteps. She gave it about five minutes, until the feeling of uneasiness inside her grew too much to bear; throwing off the covers, she slipped on a sweatshirt over her shorts and tank, and went downstairs. 

She saw the laptop still on, sitting on the coffee table in the living room, the Zoom start window still up; Lexa’s half empty beer bottle sat next to it, along with her cell phone. But, where was Lexa? In a sudden panic, she walked over to the wooden bowl by the entrance; Lexa hadn’t decided to take a drive in this crazy weather, had she? She heaved a sigh of relief; the keys were still sitting there. She walked over to the kitchen sink, filling a glass with water; she was really worried now. Lexa wasn’t one to just leave, unless she was _that_ upset. As she raised the glass to her lips and took a big sip, she was distracted by a sudden flash lighting up the beach outside; she could just make out a huddled figure sitting on the wet sand in the rain. She put her glass down, and grabbing the house keys, slammed the door behind her as she hurried down to the beach. There wasn’t a breeze at all, and she was soaked to the bone in a matter of seconds. It was soft, warm rain, and it felt weirdly cathartic. Clarke walked closer to the figure; it definitely was Lexa; she would recognize the shape of those shoulders anywhere. When she was close, she called out. “Lexa?”

Lexa turned; her hair was plastered against her head, and her clothes looked like they had moulded to her skin. She was completely drenched. “Clarke? What are you doing here?”

Clarke hesitated, then walked up to her. “I heard the front door and well….” she pointed to the sky, smiling slightly. “I was worried. Sorry if I shouldn’t have come. Just wanted to check on you.” She half turned. “I can go, if you like?”

Lexa shook her head. “No, it’s okay.” She took a look at herself. “I shouldn’t be here anyway, and I should get out of these clothes. The last thing I need is to get sick right now.” She held out her hand to Clarke to help her up, which she did. As Lexa’s face came closer to hers, Clarke could make out she had been crying; her eyes were swollen and puffy. Lexa didn’t look at her as they started to walk back in silence. When they got to the house, they stood just inside the front door, taking off their squelching shoes. Clarke watched Lexa standing in a pool of rainwater, unsure of what to do next; she seemed completely dazed. “What happened, Lex?”

Lexa bit her lip. “We broke up. Costia broke up with me.” She corrected herself, running her hands over her soaked face. She looked small and defeated. 

Clarke raised her eyebrows. Oh. Huh. “I’m sorry, Lexa. That really, really sucks.” She dipped her head, looking into Lexa’s eyes. “Are you okay? Is she?”

Lexa just shrugged, her bottom lip quivering. “I don’t know. It wasn’t good.”

Clarke nodded; Lexa looked completely lost. She reached out and touched her arm. “Should we get out of these clothes? I think you could do with a shower.”

Lexa nodded; they stripped out of their wet clothes, leaving them by the door and went upstairs barefoot and in their underwear. Walking into the bathroom, Clarke turned on the shower, running it until it was steaming. She turned to Lexa. “You should go first; you were out there longer. I’ll wait.” She started to wrap a towel around herself as she walked towards the door. Lexa reached over and caught her arm. “I don’t mind….if you want to join me. You’re cold, too.” 

Clarke searched her face for a few moments, which still had a serious expression on it, then nodded. Taking off the rest of their clothes, they stepped into the shower together, taking their time to feel the hot water warm them up. Reaching for the body wash and shampoo, they lathered themselves up, occasionally making eye contact; Clarke could sense that Lexa didn’t want to be touched; she just seemed to want her company. Finally, just as they were finishing up, Lexa turned to her. “Clarke?” 

Clarke looked at her, concerned. “Come here?” Lexa opened her arms out; Clarke stepped into her embrace. Lexa’s skin was soft and warm; she could feel their combined heat warm her to her core. Lexa rested her head against Clarke’s, letting the hot water wash over them as the steam enveloped them. Clarke reached behind Lexa into the shower rack, and gently sprayed a lavender-scented mist into the air. As the fragrance spread all over, she felt Lexa begin to relax in her arms. They stood like that for a while, Clarke occasionally planting a soft kiss or two on Lexa’s shoulder, until the water started to get cold.

Clarke raised her head, looking at Lexa. “Should we get out? I don’t know about you, but I could do with a nightcap.”

Lexa nodded; they stepped out and headed to their own rooms to change. Clarke got downstairs first; she set out two lowball glasses, and poured generous amounts of scotch into each one, deciding to forego ice and everything else; she had a feeling Lexa wouldn’t mind drinking her whisky neat tonight.

She headed to the couch in the living room with their glasses; Lexa walked in, in a couple of minutes. She saw her laptop still sitting there; sighing, she closed the lid and put it away, taking it and the beer bottle to the kitchen table. She sank down on the couch at the opposite end of Clarke, half turning towards her, with her feet up, taking a big gulp from her glass.

Clarke looked at her. “That rough, huh?”

Lexa looked at her and nodded. “Yeah. Yeah. I don’t think she wants to see me ever again. So there’s that.” Her face suddenly looked so tired.

Clarke shifted sideways to face Lexa. “She might just be hurt, Lex. Maybe she’ll come around.”

Lexa looked away, shaking her head. “Not this time. I think she means it.” She sighed. “Anyway, it was inevitable; I see that now. I’m just sorry I hurt her so badly.”

Clarke thought for a moment before asking her next question. “Why inevitable? I thought you both were so happy together.” 

Lexa nodded. “We were. There were times when we were very, very happy together. But...it wasn’t enough.”

Clarke took a sip. Huh. “Why not?”

Lexa looked at her for a long moment. “Because I was trying to find something that just wasn’t there. We had an incredible, and incredibly deep friendship, but for me, that was what it always was.” She looked pensive. “I just wish I’d found the courage to tell her that sooner; I just kept hoping I would catch up to her, and I never did. And being with her, being wrapped up in her love, just felt so good.”

Clarke looked away. It was over, but it still hurt to hear that. Seemed like Costia knew how to love hard and without inhibitions. Clarke envied her for it; would be she capable of feeling like that? And would it even make a difference to Lexa if she did? 

“Four years is a long time to be undecided, Lex. Did she never ask you to commit sooner?” 

Lexa shook her head. “She wanted me to but she waited for me to be ready. She waited, and every single time I thought I’d pushed her too far, she would give me more time, more space, more of herself.” She swirled the whisky in her glass slowly. “Until now, that is. I think I finally did it; I managed to break her, to break us. And now I’ll never see her again.” Lexa looked away into the distance, lost in thought.

Clarke cleared her throat. So Lexa had never been in love with Costia. That was interesting. 

“Did her cheating have anything to do with it, Lex? With you breaking up?”

Lexa thought about it for a moment. “Honestly, no. I know that’ll seem strange to a lot of people, and I was hurt by it. But I know how she feels...felt about me. I mean she showed me that unconditionally for so many years, right? And we’re living through such a weird thing; maybe the stress of living in indefinite lockdown away from the person you love can make you do crazy things.” Lexa shrugged. “Like I’ve said before, we had a unique relationship; we got each other that way. And to be honest, I don’t know if I’ll ever want the same kind of dynamic with anyone else; I’m not sure it’s even possible. That was just between us.”

Clarke nodded; she could understand that. She didn’t think she could do what Costia and Lexa had, or have a similar relationship with Lexa if that was even something they wanted. But she got that Costia had slipped up; and if Lexa was okay with it, and Costia and she had worked through it, there really wasn’t a reason to judge something that she didn’t fully understand. She shook her head. Love really was a strange, infinitely morphing beast.

“Lexa, she clearly really loves you; maybe she’ll come around.” She paused. “Would you want to be with her again, if she does?” She held her breath for the answer, almost regretting asking the question.

Lexa slowly shook her head. “No. She deserves someone better than me; I couldn’t love her the way she needed to be, and I lost one of the most important people in my life _again_ because I couldn’t face that fact sooner. The most I can hope for is that she might one day want to be friends, but I don’t think that’s going to happen either, at this point. It’s really, completely over this time.” She puffed out her cheeks, still taking it all in.

Clarke exhaled in relief. “Was she upset because of us, last night?”

Lexa nodded. “Yeah. She saw our….chemistry. It hurt her.” She finished her drink, standing up. Her nerves were run ragged; she really couldn’t unpack her feelings for Clarke tonight. Besides, she had all the time in the world to think about them now, didn’t she? She looked down at Clarke. “Part of me wishes we’d taken a break sooner. Like Finn and you. That helped you figure things out, right?” Clarke nodded; Lexa was close enough, for now. Lexa hesitated. “Are you two getting back together?”

Clarke studied her face. Chemistry wasn’t the half of it, was it? She knew what Lexa was trying to say; Costia had seen what was happening between Lexa and her. There really was no denying it anymore, was there? Lexa had figured it out, too, she knew that; but, she could also sense Lexa’s exhaustion tonight. If Costia could wait five years, she could wait a few days, too. And they still had plenty to figure out; on her part, Clarke still didn’t know what she wanted to do with her feelings for Lexa; and then of course, there was their past, still looming over their heads. But for now, she could at least answer Lexa’s question, truthfully. “No. We’re not. He wanted to, but I didn't. We’re over for good. I told him that in the grocery store that day. Like you, I hope we’ll be friends in time, that’s all.”

Lexa’s face lit up a little; it made Clarke want to kiss her, but she stood up, taking the glass from Lexa’s hand. “I’m wiped; and my day wasn’t half as intense as yours.”

“Yeah, I’m beyond exhausted. I’ll see you upstairs.” Lexa headed up to brush her teeth. 

As Clarke finished getting ready for bed, Lexa stepped into the bathroom. Clarke looked at her quizzically. “What’s up, Lex?”

Lexa hesitated for a second. “Will you be with me tonight?”

Clarke smiled sweetly at her. “Of course. Give me a minute?”

When she made her way to Lexa’s bed, Lexa was already fast asleep, her face soft, open and free of her worry, at least temporarily; Clarke slipped in beside her quietly, not wanting to disturb her. Lexa turned around, and spooned Clarke, holding onto her tightly. “Stay, Clarke,” Lexa mumbled in her sleep; Clarke felt her chest light up. As she drifted off, she had more answers than questions in her mind for the first time in a very long time. For now, that was enough.


	37. In camera

Lexa hurried downstairs, strapping her watch onto her wrist. She had a busy day ahead; the local school district had decided to carry out their exams online, which meant she had gotten several panicky emails from parents asking her to open up more tutoring slots to help their kids prepare “in this unprecedented time which, frankly is jeopardizing Caitlin [or Diego or Kim or DeAndre’s] chances of getting into a top college.” Lexa had to remind them several times that their children were in middle school. On top of that the homeschooling gossip network had been especially active recently, and Lexa had ended up with four extra students, all high school juniors, to help through their upcoming science AP tests. Given the crunch of it all, Lexa wasn’t sure whether she was more therapist and less tutor, but then she remembered that her favourite high school teachers were the ones who had been generous with their time and advice; she was only trying to emulate them. But first thing this morning, she was talking to Anya. 

As she waited for the coffee to percolate, she pulled up her email, scrolling through the messages quickly, hoping to see one particular name to show up in the _From_ line. Nothing. She sighed, clicking on the _Sent_ tab, opening up the message she was hoping for a response to, re-reading it for what felt like the hundredth time.

_  
Costia,_

_I know I’m literally the last person on the planet you want to hear from right now, but I’m worried about you, and I can’t tell you how sorry I am about how things went down between us. It’s not sitting right with me, Cos, any of it. I know you won’t believe it, but you’re too important to me to just drop out of my life; I need to know you’re okay. Can you at least just tell me that much? I won’t stop worrying until you do._

_Please take care of yourself,_ _  
__Lexa_

  
That had been three days ago, which was a couple of days after their fight. Costia had been right; radio silence was awful. She needed a sign, any sign from her that there was a chance she wouldn’t cut Lexa out of her life completely. And so far, it wasn’t going well at all. She took her coffee out onto the back porch with her laptop. Anya was right on time. 

“Morning, sunshine.” Anya held up her phone, headphones in. The slanted rays of the afternoon sunshine caught the blonde in her hair; she brushed a few wisps out of her face, as she waved at Lexa. Behind her, Lexa could see green trees rustling gently in the breeze. 

“Hey, An.” Lexa waved back, then she brought her phone closer to her face. “Where are you? Are you outside?” 

Anya nodded. “Hell, yeah! Our lockdown’s been partially lifted. So here we are, celebrating together and alone, 6 feet apart.” She flipped her phone camera, moving it from left to right so Lexa could get a better view. She was sitting by the canal, her feet dangling over the ledge; Lexa could see people in dinghies, floating along slowly in the distance. All along, people sat alone or in twos, resting on their hands, some with their eyes closed as they took in the sunshine, others sitting in silence, almost as if taking in the fresh air with reverence. Anya flipped her camera back; she had a bottle of beer in her hand. “Cheers to cautious optimism.” She took a long swig.

Lexa toasted her back with a coffee. Their drink choices seemed to echo their lockdown lives perfectly. “I’m so damn jealous of you right now. How does it feel to be free?”

Anya shook her head vigorously, so that her hair flew around madly. “Glorious. Really. I will never, ever take the sun for granted again. I get what animals feel like after hibernating all winter.” 

Lexa sighed. “I can’t wait; they just extended our lockdown order.” 

Anya shrugged. “All in good time. If we do this right, this will go down as the year we all fucking survived. To be honest, everyone’s still pretty scared. Things really quieten down after dark, which is crazy considering it’s Berlin. And we’re still social distancing hard. It’s just a little bit more of the outside, so not that much has changed. Still pretty lonely, though.” She rested the bottle next to her. “Which is why it’s always great to hear from my bestie. How are you, kiddo? You look tired. Your two women keeping you up?”

Lexa snorted. As usual, Anya had thrown her darts straight at the target. “You have no idea.” She shifted in her seat. “Costia and I broke up.” She watched for Anya’s reaction. 

Anya’s eyes went wide and her face drained of all colour. “What? Wait, what? What the hell Lexa, you can’t just spring that on me.” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “What the fuck happened?”

As Lexa filled her in, Anya listened stone-faced, her expression growing darker with each passing second. By the time Lexa had finished, her energy had completely changed; she frowned, a deep crease forming in the middle of her forehead. “How long ago was this?”

“Five days, now.”

Anya sighed. “Lexa, oh man, Lexa. Why didn’t you tell her the truth after you two talked about opening up your relationship?”

Lexa sighed. In hindsight, that would have been the right time; maybe Costia wouldn’t have been as devastated. “Because I didn’t know...no, I didn’t have the guts to face my feelings for Clarke. And I didn’t want to hurt Cos without knowing for sure. Except I’ve gone and done that anyway, huh?” She shook her head. “Anya, I just can’t get it right.”

Anya was quiet for a moment. “Lexa, do you know why I asked you not to hurt her the last time?”

Lexa shrugged. “Because she’s amazing, and didn’t deserve how I treated her?”

Anya shook her head. “No, that’s obvious, we both get that. Because I know how much you’ll beat yourself up over this; and I know it’s going to be a long time before you forgive yourself for it.”

Lexa paused, her eyes suddenly filling up with tears. Anya knew her so well. “You’re right. I can’t look at myself in the mirror right now.” She wiped her eyes. “I just wish she would talk to me, Anya. I can’t let her walk away like this.”

Anya nodded. “Give her time, Lex.” She was quiet for a bit, then she perked up. “Hey, remember the night of my going away party?”

Lexa looked at her, smiling wistfully. “That was a good one. The toast?”

Anya nodded. “The toast.” She took a sip of her beer. “It means something, Lex. Trust.”

They were both silent for a few moments, thinking back to the night. Costia had thrown Anya a massive party at the bar a couple of days before she left for Berlin. It was dawn before the last guests had left, and Lexa, Costia and Anya had sat around amongst empty bottles and confetti, listening to the soft music Costia had switched to playing from the heavy electronic beats that had taken up most of their earspace so far, winding down after a wild night. Anya lay flat on her back on the bar, tracing lines in the air, speaking her rambling thoughts out loud. Costia rested her head on Lexa’s shoulder, who had one arm around her. 

“This, right here.” Anya waved her arms around. “This is the most important stuff.” She sat up. “Love…” she pointed at Costia and Lexa, “Happiness…” she held out her hands to the sky….“But most of all, family.” She jumped off the counter, and threw her arms around Costia and Lexa, pulling them into a tight hug. “We’re family, right?” She pulled away, clapping her hands, watching Lexa and Costia nod vigorously. “Nothing, nothing will ever change that, you two better remember that.” She wagged her finger at them in mock sternness. 

Costia went around behind the bar, and pulled out a bottle of _feni_. “Hear, hear. A toast.” She snapped the top open, and took a gulp, before passing it to Anya. “To chosen family.” They passed the bottle around until it was empty, walking down to the water together. Anya stripped down to her underwear, yelling, “Come on, slowpokes! Last group swim for a while!”

They chased after her, splashing around in the calm morning waves, laughing and dunking each other underwater as the sun came up. 

“Did I fuck it all up, Anya?” Lexa asked.

Anya shook her head. “No, don’t put that on yourself, Lex. It’s just changed things a bit, that’s all. And look, you have a right to be happy, you do. Costia’s not going to spite you that; she just wanted to be the one making you happy. But she’ll come around, eventually.”

Lexa took a sip of her coffee. She wasn’t so sure. “I hope so, Anya, I really do. But I tried reaching out to her, and she hasn’t responded. Which is a first.”

Anya scratched the tip of her nose. “Let me talk to her. It might not be right away, but I’m sure I can get her to come around.” Lexa nodded, but didn’t say anything.

“Speaking of happiness….” Anya wiggled an eyebrow at Lexa, “What are you going to do now that you finally have the woman of your dreams all to yourself?”

Lexa blushed. “Working on it. I need to figure out what she wants; that might take some time.” She picked a piece of lint off her clothes. “But, yeah, I’m so there, Anya.” Her smile was bashful.

Anya shook her head, smiling slowly. “Would you look at that. She’d have to be blind as a fucking bat to not see how you feel. You’re crazy about her.”

Lexa nodded. She could finally admit it out loud. “Yeah. Yeah, I really am. I don’t think that’s ever changed, really.”

“Have you two figured out what happened after graduation?”

Lexa’s smile faltered. “No, we haven’t talked about that. I don’t know how to bring it up. And things are good right now. Maybe we can just move on, starting from here?”

Anya finished up her beer. “Word of advice for you, Lex. Don’t gloss over the past; there’s some important lessons in there, I’m guessing for you both. You’ll know when the time is right, but you need to talk about it. You deserve to know, Lex; you owe that to yourself, and to all of your heartache over Clarke.”

Lexa nodded; Anya was right; when the time was right, she would bring it up with Clarke. She was just so eager to see where things would go with them; after all this time, she finally had her chance; she just had to get it right. “You’re right; I will. Thanks, Anya.”

“For what?”

“You know, for not calling me a total fuck up.”

Anya wagged her finger at Lexa. “You’re too hard on yourself. And if you can’t see how incredible you are, believe the amazing people you attract. They wouldn’t be around you if you were a screw up.” Anya looked at her watch. “Kiddo, I gotta go. I’m starving. And I want to call Costia to check in on her. I’ll let you know how it goes. Talk soon?”

Lexa nodded; she felt so much lighter. “Sooner rather than later, please. And yeah, please do. Thanks, Anya.” She waved at her; maybe there was hope still.

“Later, Lex.” 

Lexa stood up and stretched, checking the time, hurrying inside; she was going to be late for her first student.

When she checked her phone at lunchtime, she saw a text from Anya. _I spoke to Costia. She’s….okay, don’t worry. She’s asked me to tell you not to contact her again. I’m sorry, Lexa; maybe if it’s best if you let her be. I’ll let you know if things change. Take care of yourself, and figure out what’s best for you. And Clarke. Talk soon._

Lexa groaned, shaking her head. What was that about the truth setting you free?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, Lexa doesn't want to go back to Costia. Yes, she wants her friendship back in her life. Trust me, it's important to our Clexa endgame.
> 
> P.S. Thanks for your lovely comments and notes, everyone! Let's keep swimming.....


	38. A little less conversation

There was an orchestra of bongo drums playing in her head, the rhythm getting louder and more incessant as she crawled back into consciousness. Clarke sat up, one hand to her head, groaning. Her mouth was so parched she felt feverish and she was burning up; she had the worst hangover. She opened her eyes, and saw the half empty bottle of vodka sitting on Lexa’s desk. No wonder she felt like hell in a heatwave. She flopped back down on the bed, running the events of the previous night through her mind, trying to recall things as best as she could. She remembered taking a few shots of tequila at that party last night, and then being dragged into a game of flip cup with some other seniors. And then those couple of dances with …. that guy and girl whose names she couldn’t remember, and then, how she’d gotten bored when they’d each tried to kiss her. It was coming back to her; she’d pushed them away, grabbed the bottle of vodka off the bar table, and walked off to find Lexa. Right. Yes. Of course. _That’s_ why she had gotten so drunk; she had wanted to sleep with Lexa. And judging that her clothes were all still on and Lexa was nowhere to be found, that plan had worked perfectly. She sighed, opening one eye again. There was a glass of water and two ibuprofen pills on Lexa’s bedside table with a note. She struggled to focus on the words. _Drink me_. An arrow pointed to the water. _Eat me_. Another one to the pills. _Be back by 10, with burritos (I know, I’m awesome). We should talk about last night, if you’re up for it. Lex._

She glanced at the time on the alarm clock on Raven’s side of the room. 9:50 AM. Okay, Lexa didn’t seem pissed judging by her note. Phew. She took the pills. She’d have liked to shower, but there wasn’t any time. She walked into the bathroom attached to Lexa and Raven’s room. One of the rare privileges of being a senior on this campus was that if you opted to have a roommate that year, you were both assigned your separate bathroom. For others like Clarke, who preferred to fly solo, the communal dorm bathrooms were something to brave every day. She didn’t mind, though. She’d take the solace of her room when navigating the insanity of her senior year over a cleaner shower stall any day. She went into the bathroom, searching for a spare toothbrush. Surely, between Lexa and Raven, she’d find one; in luck, she grabbed one of out the pack in a plastic caddy, making a mental note to replace it later. Just as she was stepping out, tying back her hair into a loose knot, she heard the door open. Lexa walked in with her lacrosse kit hanging on off one shoulder, balancing two cups of coffee in a paper tray in her hand, with a paper bag in between her teeth. She raised her eyebrows at Clarke as she shut the door. Dropping her kit down with a thud, she walked over to Clarke, handing her a coffee, holding onto the bag with her free hand, and flopping down on the floor. “Oh, you’re up. Hi.” She rummaged through the bag and handed Clarke a burrito. “I was half expecting you to be asleep still. How are you feeling?”

Clarke took a sip of the coffee. Mmmm. It was otherworldly, and Lexa had gotten it right, as usual. “Better, now that I have this.” She held up her cup. “Slowly making my way back from the dead.” She unwrapped her burrito, taking a huge bite. Okay, yes. This was hitting the spot. “How was practice? Brutal, you have to be up so early on a Sunday.”

Lexa shrugged. “Good. Early practice means it’s out of the way. We’re in decent shape to have a serious crack at the championship this year, but Ash and Emma have got to stop bickering; it’s ruining the team dynamic. I think Coach is getting them to work it out by forcing them to study together today. Haha.” She took a big bite; she was famished. 

Clarke eyed her. In her opinion, spending more time together could complicate things even further. But there had to be a breaking point to everything, right? “Lexa, did I cross a line last night?”

Lexa shook her head, chewing her food quickly. “No. I think it’s something that’s been brewing for a while. I mean, it’s hardly the first time you’ve shown up at my door, except you’re usually sober. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want more.” She took a sip of her coffee. “I’ve thought about it a lot.”

Clarke blushed. Lexa thought about her? A lot? Why did that make her feel so warm inside? She cleared her throat. “Well, clearly this is a big itch that, uh, is itching.” Lexa raised an eyebrow at her. Her eloquence knew no bounds today. “‘I’m, uh, okay with scratching it. If you are.”

Lexa’s mouth quirked into a smile; she was trying not to laugh. “Okay. Yes. But only if you promise not to refer to us having sex in terrible euphemisms anymore.”

Clarke pretended to be outraged. “Hey! I’m a classy lady!”

Lexa nodded in agreement. “That you are.” She crumpled up the wrapper, tossing it into the waste paper basket. “So, maybe I can come over the next time you’re feeling especially itchy?”

Clarke balled up her wrapper and threw it at Lexa’s head; Lexa ducked, barely missing. “Yes, I’ll pencil it in my schedule.” She paused. “Seriously though, Lex, I...I want to be clear with you. This...whatever this is, is not worth putting our friendship at risk for. And I can’t do anything more; I’ve got too much going on.” Clarke added hurriedly, “Not to assume that anything serious would happen, you know. I mean, we’re friends first and always, right?”

Lexa studied her for a moment; was that disappointment flashing across her eyes? It was gone so quickly, Clarke thought she had probably imagined it; her head was still hurting. “Yeah, yeah, we’re friends first. Fine, that works for me. The second half of senior year is hardly the time for two honour students to start something.” She looked away for a moment. “And like you said, it might just be physical.”

Clarke nodded, standing up. “Okay, cool.” She gathered her things, looking around.”Crap, my keys.”

Lexa waved at her. “No, wait. I saw Raven for a second this morning; she gave me your stuff.” In reality, Lexa had bugged Raven to wake her up, asking her to come downstairs with Clarke’s stuff before she’d headed back grumpily into the arms of whoever her one-night-continuing-into-the-morning stand was. “You owe me. And Clarke, too. Buzz off, Lexa.”

“Love you, Ray. Thanks.” Lexa grinned at her.

“Love you, too. But you suck.”

Lexa rummaged through her bag, pulling out Clarke’s keys and phone. Their fingers brushed as she handed them to Clarke. They both looked at each other, before Clarke leaned in, planting a short but intense kiss on Lexa’s lips. “See you later?” 

Lexa nodded, looking intently into Clarke’s eyes. “Soon.”

Clarke thought about her all the way to her room on the other side of campus. She was doing the right thing; this was probably just something temporary, something to get out of their systems, before they graduated into adulthood and remained best friends. Right?

Clarke shook herself out of her thoughts as she tucked her top into her jeans, buttoning them up. And here they were, more than a decade later, right back at the beginning in some ways. Except this time they both knew it wasn’t just a simple physical thing. She’d been giving Lexa her space for the last few days, but the time to herself had also made her think about her own feelings. She was nervous; she wanted more this time, but what, exactly? Now that she had Lexa here, free and unattached, she was frozen; what did Lexa want, and would she dangle her feelings in front of Clarke only to yank them away? Clarke sighed; she knew Lexa cared about her, but could she really trust her again? Picking up her laptop to work downstairs, she took a deep breath. Maybe they could start over, fresh. Maybe the past was best left where it belonged. Maybe this was exactly what they both needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm serious; I'm getting tired of them talkingtalkingtalking like parakeets. Buckle up.


	39. Come on love, draw your swords

A sugar rush; that’s what this was. How else could she describe this tingling that began somewhere deep inside her, somewhere in between her heart and her belly. She could feel it moving slowly, everywhere, from the top of her head to the tips of her toes. She felt like she was travelling on a slow river flowing through gold silted marshes, watching with wonder as everything she saw was tinged with the same shade of luminous, burnished yellow. If she opened her mouth a little and let the tip of her tongue touch the air, she could swear it tasted like burnt caramel. If she inhaled, her lungs filled with it, the same sharp sweetness of raw sienna with a hint of darkness taking her to places so far inside and so deeply distant, all at once. If she traced her fingertips, dipping into its thickness, it was as if they caressed slowly dissolving crystals, until it was nothing but liquid softness pooling in her hands, a potion of longing blending into itself, waiting for her to sip and swallow, to drown herself into it headfirst, until she was a woozy, gooey, buttery mess of thoughtless desire. Kissing Lexa wasn’t just addictive, it was alchemy. 

Clarke shifted, tightening her legs around Lexa’s waist and drawing her in closer, which only deepened her access into Lexa’s mouth. She had missed this; she had missed Lexa so damn much. The last five days had been the longest of her life, having Lexa this close but not really being able to do anything about it. She had tried her hardest to give Lexa space to start healing from her breakup with Costia without imposing her presence; but it had been fucking torture, the endless short kisses and hugs, the cuddling without anything more. She knew Lexa had needed it, and Clarke would have brought Lexa the stars if she had wanted them, but if Clarke was being honest with herself, what she needed for herself was this: Lexa, anywhere, everywhere on her body, in her mind, in her entire being. Most of all, it was Lexa’s essence she craved; and now that she had her back in her arms, she couldn’t let go. Cupping Lexa’s face with both hands, she sucked on Lexa’s tongue, drinking her in thirstily; she was parched. Lexa was the infinite forest stream, and Clarke was insatiable. 

Lexa sighed as she felt Clarke’s tongue push deeper inside her mouth, as Clarke’s legs wrapped around her even more tightly. When Clarke cupped her face, Lexa didn’t know whether she was melting or burning up. She had no idea how she had gone five days without Clarke. She had appreciated the time and space; she had needed it. She held Clarke closer, her hands moving over Clarke’s torso under her t-shirt. She slowed them down a little; this, feeling Clarke move to her touch, was what she had dreamed of for years, and it didn’t matter how many times she held Clarke close, it was always familiar, but new. She stroked the underside of Clarke’s breasts with her thumbs, not touching any other part of them; Clarke moaned in her mouth. Lexa moved down to her hips, kneading them hard; Clarke jerked up into her. She slipped a hand into Clarke’s panties, squeezing her ass; Clarke pushed her down on the couch, sitting on top of her, her hair tumbling down over them both, enveloping Lexa in a curtain of musk and oranges. She was surrounded by Clarke, and she couldn’t get enough. Lexa had held herself back the last few days; it just didn’t feel right to slip right into something new with Clarke; it would have felt too much like using her to fill up a hole inside. And Lexa didn’t want that because it was the exact opposite; Clarke was the void _she_ was falling into again, and this time, she was ready to let go. Lexa held Clarke’s face with both hands as she looked deep into her eyes; in them she saw the galaxies she had searched for her entire life. Her eyes shone like the stars she had loved inexplicably since as far back she could remember, and in that moment, Lexa knew there was only one thing to do. She sat up, gently pushing Clarke back, reaching for her hands to have her stay on top, holding onto her so she wouldn’t lose contact. “Clarke, wait.” 

Clarke’s brow furrowed. She had seen the change in Lexa’s gaze, but if anything, it had only gotten softer and fuller. She moved one hand away from Lexa’s to tuck her hair behind her ear, but then reached out and interlaced their fingers again; she couldn’t stop touching her. “What’s wrong, Lex?”

Lexa paused. Her heart had dropped down to her gut; she could feel the pulse in her stomach; butterflies. Clarke was looking at her with concern, but this time, it wasn’t something that was troubling her. Over the last few days, it was like things had come into absolute focus, like she was watching a cloud of stardust part to reveal the core of a new universe. For the first time, Lexa saw things with crystal clarity, like she could see all the way through into the very centre of Clarke herself. And it was _everything_. She took a deep breath, and let it out. She held Clarke’s hands in her lap. “Clarke,” she licked her lips. “Date me.”

Clarke felt her eyes go wide as she watched the words fall from Lexa’s lips. Her mouth fell slightly open. Lexa was watching her, hopeful, open, vulnerable, her eyes brimming with emotion. Her words echoed in Clarke’s head; was she ready for this? Her earlier thoughts came rushing back to her; maybe they could get it right this time, if they started right back at the beginning. Maybe she could, in time, move past the hurt that the old Lexa had caused; this new Lexa wasn’t the same, was she? Maybe it was time she tried to look beyond it; she wanted Lexa, she knew that, and the idea of dating sounded kind of….perfect. Maybe it was time; maybe the past wouldn't come around knocking again. She felt a slow smile spread across her face; leaning in, she kissed Lexa softly, gently. She sat back a little, her eyes running over Lexa’s face, taking it all in. “Yes.” She kissed her again. “Yes, Lexa, I’ll date you. Let’s give it a shot.” Lexa grinned, and the pure joy on her face as she pulled her closer made Clarke feel as though the sun had finally come out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 🙂


	40. To the stars

There was almost a cadence to the sound, a steady up on the inhale, and regular down on the exhale; it sounded like birdsong, if birds could beatbox gently. Lexa opened one eye, smiling to herself; this was a first. She’d woken up beside Clarke more than a few times now, but she had yet to hear her snoring. Lexa watched her for a few minutes, content; she was such a sucker for this girl, even her snores sounded melodic. Lexa watched Clarke’s eyebrows move in her sleep, and her nostrils flared slightly. True to Clarke’s personality, even her dreams seemed full of life. A particularly snorty snore escaped Clarke’s lips; Lexa giggled. The sound woke Clarke, who hummed, slowly stretching her arms above her head, opening her eyes as she turned over. She smiled blissfully at Lexa. “Hmmm. Hi.” She leaned in for a long kiss. Settling back on her pillow, one hand against Lexa’s face, she said, “I haven’t slept that well in forever.” Catching the remnants of Lexa’s smirk, she raised an eyebrow, “What’s so funny?”

Lexa covered Clarke’s hand with hers, kissing it. “Hi. Learned something new about you today.” She grinned. “You snore a little. Did you know that?”

“What? Liar!” Clarke covered her face, watching Lexa through her fingers. “Crap.” Lexa could see the blush rising up to her face. “You said the ‘D’ word, and I’m already letting myself go.” She threw her hand dramatically over her forehead. “Whatever will you think of me, m’lady?”

Lexa laughed; this girl. “I think you’ll find, m’lady, that that’s the point.” She half rolled on top of Clarke, kissing down to her breasts. When she felt Clarke relax, she propped herself up on one elbow, looking down at her. 

Clarke traced the shape of her face with a finger. “So, what now?” 

Lexa looked at her, her gaze soft. “What do you mean?”

“Well, we’re dating, but we uh, kind of already live together. So you know, not to point out the obvious, but this is kind of ass backwards.”

Lexa’s eyes had a mischievous look in their eyes. “Well, when you bring an _ass_ into it…” Clarke squealed, rolling Lexa off her. “Aaah!” Lexa had grabbed her butt, but she had caught Clarke’s ticklish spot, under her left buttock. She filed that information away for later. Clarke was sitting on top of her now, holding her arms ransom above her head. She leaned in to kiss Lexa hard, rocking her hips. Lexa broke off the kiss; she had something to say before things got too heated and she forgot. “Okay, so if we’re dating, let’s go on a…..date?”

Clarke tilted her head sideways. “O...kay. And just how do we do that?”

Lexa pulled her down towards her. “Leave it to me.” 

They travelled around the bed and over and in each other, again and again, until Clarke’s stomach gave a loud rumble, and they stopped, dragging themselves downstairs reluctantly for brunch.

******

Clarke came downstairs “at twilight”, according to Lexa’s cryptic instructions; she had spent the afternoon painting, feeling lit after her morning with Lexa. It had been such a great day; she was making good progress on her painting and a part of her was excited to show it to Lexa when it was ready. Lexa was standing at the kitchen counter, packing a picnic basket. A blanket lay next to it. “Hi! Ready for our first real date?”

Clarke nodded, planting a kiss on her lips. “Yes, but where are we going?”

Lexa jerked her thumb at the beach. “Where else? It’ll be just us. Can’t think of anywhere better right now.” She handed Clarke a long black case with a shoulder strap. 

“What’s this?”

“My telescope. We’re stargazing.” Clarke clapped her hands together, excited. They headed out towards the beach, hand in hand.

They laid out the blanket on the sand, setting out their food. Lexa shrugged a little apologetically. “Sorry, it’s basically whatever we have at the moment.” Clarke looked at her, a smile playing on her lips; Lexa’s earnestness was adorable, and she was already charmed by their impromptu date. “It’s perfect.” She uncorked the wine and poured it out into their plastic cups, flopping down on the blanket. Lexa tinkered around with her telescope, peering into it and working on the dials to focus and change the angles. When she was satisfied, she came and sat next to Clarke, taking the wine from her. “Now we wait.” They ate in silence for a little while, watching the evening get darker; it was like watching an ink spill move across the sky; the ocean breeze was warm, the waves quiet. It was a beautiful evening.

Clarke looked at Lexa. “Lex, what was your PhD thesis about?”

Lexa bit into a piece of cheese. “About how our galaxy is expanding and travelling outwards, and how that means it’s going to collide with its neighbouring one, Andromeda, in a few billion years.”

Clarke raised her eyebrows. “Huh. Wow. You can tell that already?”

Lexa nodded. “Yeah, by studying the orbit of our galaxy, the Milky Way, among other things.” She sipped her wine. “And I had the privilege to work with one of the most renowned astrophysicists on the topic: Dr. Lisa Harvey-Smith. She’s amazing.” Lexa shook her head. “Listening to her speak is so inspiring. One of the first things she said to me is that studying stars is literally like time travel, because of how much later we see their light on earth. And that we’re essentially seeing our own ancestral history, but also our future, when we look up at them.” 

Clarke watched Lexa’s eyes light up as she spoke; her enthusiasm was infectious; it was obvious this is what she was supposed to be doing with her life. She smiled, a little sadly. All she had thought about once was being a doctor. Then she had fallen onto rudderless times; how strange life was.

Lexa trailed off. “What’s wrong? Am I being boring?”

Clarke shook her head. “No, no, sorry, it’s the opposite. You’re fascinating, and I can tell you love what you do.” She paused. “I just remember feeling like that once.”

Lexa nodded. “Yeah, I remember how much you wanted to get into med school. Life really does a number on you, huh? Will you ever go back?”

Clarke paused, looking away into the distance; she was quiet for a while. “I’ve been thinking about that recently, actually. Part of me likes what I do, but seeing this whole pandemic go down, and how strapped we are for frontline healthcare professionals has made me feel like I want to do more with my life rather than illustrate diseases; I want to actually fight them.” She paused. “When this blows over, I was thinking of reaching out to the admissions counsellor I worked with the last time; when I dropped out he told me to get in touch if I ever wanted to go back. I just didn’t think I could, until now.” She dipped a carrot into hummus, and looked over at Lexa. “But maybe I can, if I have the right support.”

Lexa understood what she was saying; she locked eyes with Clarke, nodding once, decisively. “You do. And you can do anything you want, Clarke. I’ve always known that.” The expression in Clarke’s eyes told her she had said the right thing. 

They finished up eating, and put their food away. Lying down on their backs, Clarke cuddled into Lexa, who pointed to the stars appearing in the sky. “A few more minutes. And we should be able to use the scope to see.” 

Clarke linked their hands mid-air, following Lexa’s index finger. “Talk to me about stars.” 

Lexa brought their bodies closer. There was a chill creeping into the air. “Well, did you know that astronomy is not as straight as the textbooks make you think?”

Clarke looked at her curiously. “No, but that sounds super intriguing.” 

Lexa pointed out some stars above their heads. “That’s Cygnus, the Swan.” She moved her hand over a few feet. “That crooked plus sign is Aquila, named after an eagle who carried Zeus’ lover Ganymedes, a shepherd-boy, to him. Zeus was so happy, he gave the eagle a place in the skies as a big gay thank you.” Clarke giggled.

Lexa continued. “And Urania, the Muse of Astronomy, as she’s called, was also the protector of homosexual love in Greek myth. There’s so much more, I could go on; like there are asteroids and minor planets named after Sappho and da Vinci.” She looked at Clarke. “I realized early on that if I ever felt alone in a straight world, I literally had to look to the stars; humans might have constructed a heterosexual understanding of their planet, but the universe is the queerest thing out there.” She waved her hand at the sky; there were stars everywhere now. “Shall we?” Clarke nodded; they made their way to the telescope, with Lexa giving Clarke instructions on how to operate it. After a while, when they needed a break, they stood watching the skies with their naked eyes, Lexa’s arms wrapped around Clarke, as she reached down for a kiss occasionally. Clarke tightened Lexa’s embrace around her; this might have been her favourite first date ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please excuse typsos ;). We missed our favourite brunch spot, so we replicated it in our backyard, bottomless mimosas and all :D.
> 
> Also, credit where it's due. Found this cool Reddit thread talking about the queer in astronomy: https://www.reddit.com/r/Astronomy/comments/8n9725/astronomy_isnt_as_straight_as_you_thought/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf. Think I just found myself a new quarantine hobby. :)
> 
> And a shout out to an awesome person, and one of the few queer (and out and proud) astrophysicists out there. And WOMEN IN STEM, y'all: https://lisaharveysmith.com/.
> 
> All misinterpretations, misunderstandings and stupidity are my own, obviously. Happy Sunday!


	41. Wonder

Rolling over, Clarke reached for Lexa; feeling an empty space instead, she raised her head, blinking sleepily. It was the last day of the long weekend; they didn’t have anything to do, and she was hoping for some extra cuddle time. She had found that she enjoyed holding Lexa and being held by her almost as much as all the other things they did in bed. She contemplated going back to sleep; it was still earlyish, and she closed her eyes. After a few seconds, she opened them again; she missed Lexa next to her. She was up now. Pulling on shorts and a tank top, she headed to the bathroom to freshen up. Going downstairs, she caught sight of Lexa, headphones in, tapping her feet and shimmying her butt in time to the music in her ears. Her hair was tied in a messy bun on the top of her head, her slim shoulders accentuating her movements with a little shake every now and then, and she was completely oblivious to everything around her. Clarke stood in the doorway watching, a smile spreading on her face. Lexa was mixing batter in a bowl; she held the spatula like a microphone, suddenly bursting out into the chorus of her song in hushed tones; Clarke guessed it was probably because she thought Clarke was still asleep. She shook her head; it was the little things. She went up and caught Lexa from behind, peppering her neck with kisses, moving in time with her to her silly kitchen dance. Lexa smiled, turning in her arms, removing her headphones. Clarke kissed her, then licked the bit of batter on Lexa’s nose with the tip of her tongue. “Ooh, that’s good.” Kissing the same spot, she pouted, “But why’d you go? I wanted cuddles for breakfast.” Lexa picked her up, and hoisted her on the counter opposite them, stepping in between her thighs. “Well, I thought cuddles with a side of pancakes might be a better option. But okay, I’ll just go toss this batter out then.” She moved as if to reach for the bowl, but stopped as Clarke pulled her back into her arms to kiss her. “Dork.” They made out for a few minutes, until Lexa could smell the pan starting to smoke. “Can we hit pause on this for like ten minutes? I want to feed you.” As if on cue, Clarke’s stomach let out a long, low growl; they both laughed. “Guess that answers my question.”

Soon, a pile of pancakes sat in front of them as Clarke poured their coffee. Heaping them on their plates, they ate quickly, except when Clarke interrupted Lexa by leaning in for a kiss every few minutes. She couldn’t stop herself; she was finding especially Lexa adorable today, and she wanted to be close to her. She was hoping Lexa wanted to spend time together as well. This was all so weird, and she felt a pang of apprehension; the last thing she wanted was for Lexa to get tired of hanging out because they were already in such close proximity most of the time. As she watched Lexa carefully cut up her pancakes and take a bite, she thought that if they survived the pandemic with each other, they’d probably survive anything. Clarke cleared her throat, putting her fork down and taking a sip of her coffee. “Do you have any plans today, Lex?”

Lexa shook her head. “No, not really. The extra day off is a nice treat.” She raised her eyes to Clarke’s. “If you’re not sick of me, do you want to hang out?”

Clarke smiled at her over the rim of her mug. “I thought you’d never ask.” She was thrilled. “Do you want to go for a hike not far from here? There’s usually no one there anyway, so I don’t think the lockdown will make a difference."

Lexa nodded. “Yeah, that actually sounds perfect. I love that ocean, but some mountains and trees would be great. Or a combination of all three.” 

Clarke nodded. “Noted.”

******

They headed out soon after; Lexa took in a deep breath, filling her lungs with the fresh air. “I can’t wait for when walking outside won’t feel like a clandestine event anymore. We took so damn much for granted before the pandemic.”

Clarke raised her face to the sun. “Yeah, I’ve been making myself look up at the sky at least once in the morning and once at night. I can’t believe I used to go days without doing that.” She ducked off the road onto a narrow trail, so that they were walking in a single file, with Clarke leading. Lexa mentally high-fived herself. She had the perfect view of Clarke’s ass in her tight tights; she had opted to wear just a sports bra over them for now, her jacket stuffed in her backpack, her hair pulled into a high ponytail. Lexa silently thanked the gods of workout wear; Clarke was never not sexy, and to Lexa, this was just another way to appreciate her incredible body. This was already an awesome hike, and Lexa was mostly excited to spend it with Clarke. After going so long without Clarke in her life, she was determined to never waste another moment, if she could help it. 

They were walking uphill now, the terrain dotted with a strange mix of trees that shouldn’t have fit together logically; yucca, juniper and acacia. Lexa remembered how astounded she had been to find them all together on one of her first hikes in college. In her New England-raised brain, evergreens and desert shrubs went together like chalk and cheese; there was either room for one or the other. But that, like most things she had once thought were hard truths, had been thrown out the window once she had come to college and had met Clarke. 

Clarke turned, pointing upwards. “Look, Lex, up there.” Lexa followed Clarke’s finger to a low tree. In it, she saw a nest; she could just make out some movement in it. She squinted, trying to focus. When she saw it, she raised her eyebrows. It was a nest of hatchlings; she could see their yellow beaks as they opened their mouths soundlessly, waiting for their mother’s offerings of worms to magically land into them. It was at once hilarious and cute; silent birdlings jerking back and forth in unison, looking like they were in a video on repeat. The silliness of it made her grin.

Clarke watched Lexa’s face light up, loving the way her naturally serious expression suddenly split into a smile. It had always amazed her how the humour in Lexa’s eyes contrasted with her sombre face; that’s probably what had drawn her to Lexa in the first place. The mystery of how those two things went together was what Clarke had wanted to get to the bottom of as they had become friends; a decade later, she thought she might just be beginning to unravel it. She turned around and kept up the pace, wanting to get to the top while the heat was still bearable; she heard Lexa’s footsteps behind her. “Clarke, how did you and Raven find your place? It’s a dream.”

Clarke turned her head sideways, so Lexa could hear her. “We lucked out, honestly. We were both so broke after college, neither one of us could afford to live in the city unless we had more roommates, which we didn’t want, unless it was someone we were comfortable with. So we started getting creative; I found an ad for this place on Craigslist; the location was perfect; it's only thirty minutes away from the city. Turns out the cluster of properties ours is a part of were all pretty ramshackle beach houses. Ours was the best of the lot; the rent was dirt cheap, and we were told the owner lived abroad somewhere - Spain, I think. But we walked in and loved the place. You can see why.” She paused, picking up a long piece of wood to turn into a walking stick. “Over the years, we did it up ourselves a bit; painting, small repairs and replacements, anything to keep off our landlord’s radar, so we could be dream tenants. We transfer the rent to a bank account every month, and never have any questions. The places close to ours eventually got bought out and redone...by families mostly, from the inner counties, looking for a summer getaway place, but they’re empty most of the time.” She shrugged. “And with the lockdown, it looks like that’s not going to change this year.” She looked back at Lexa. “So yeah, a combination of luck and happenstance, I guess.”

Lexa nodded; her place in Goa had been something of a find like that, too; the best rental houses always kind of seemed to be. They had reached the middle of the woods now, and Lexa could tell they were higher up; the air was cooler. As they walked into a clearing, it suddenly burst into a flurry of bird calls; they came from every direction, a mad symphony of twittering, chattering and cooing. It took Lexa completely by surprise, and a gasp and chuckle escaped her as she took in the mesmerizing, sonorous cacophony. Clarke watched her, her smile growing wider. Seeing Lexa like this, so light and free, made Clarke’s heart well up with….something that she wasn’t ready to name yet. Amazing. Lexa was amazing.

They were almost to the top; if these were Lexa’s reactions to the things they had encountered on the way, she couldn’t wait till they got there. Lexa was beside her now; the trail had opened up a bit; Clarke reached for her hand; Lexa squeezed hers back. They walked the final few metres, and the trail turned abruptly, leading on to the overlook. Clarke braced herself; she knew the view, but not Lexa’s reaction to it. As they stepped onto the flat, grassy ledge, she felt Lexa inhale sharply as she took in the ocean. It extended onto the horizon, rippling languidly in shades from blue to emerald to aquamarine. All over, nuggets of sunlight pooled on it, looking like diamonds strung across a vast, shimmering, many-hued quilt. With the birds calling, and the warm breeze on her cheeks, and Lexa by her side with her eyes shining and her mouth hanging open at the sight, Clarke realized that in this moment, she was really, truly happy. “What do you feel right now, Lex?”

Lexa looked at her with exhilaration written across her face. “Wonder.” As she lost herself in Lexa’s eyes, Clarke couldn’t have agreed more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The simple pleasures. Maybe we'll get them back soon. 
> 
> Also, a shout out to my darling wife, who is so very patient as I relentlessly bounce Clexa ideas off her, for the fortieth? day now, and counting. Whoops. And for the edits. Behind every half-decent fic writer.....
> 
> Also, she's promised to sneak a kudos/comment on here sometime, but she won't tell me her pseud. Oh, the anticipation.


	42. Faster, Pussycat

He would never understand how they could just sleep through the nights; what a total and complete waste of the best hours of existing; the world came alive in the darkness, and he sometimes wished he could show them just everything they missed. But then, they weren’t really known for their intelligence, were they? It seemed to him, as he watched them asleep, wrapped up in each other, that the obvious could stare at them, like it was doing right now, and they would willingly shut their eyes and walk blindly in the opposite direction, not caring if it was off a cliff. How easily they jeopardized happiness in their only lives. Like for instance, he’d known, since the day Lexa had stepped into their house that Clarke liked her; her energy had changed instantly, she was vibrating in rainbows now. And this wasn’t a soft-down-comforter-fresh-from-the-dryer kind of like; it was a full out belly-rubs-in-the-sunshine kind of like. He liked Lexa, too; she was kind, and called him the _Perfect Floof_. Which of course he was. And she gave the best chin scratches. Gryffin could feel a rumbling start deep inside him as he sat on Lexa’s chest; yes, even he wasn’t completely immune to Lexa’s charms. But the weird thing was, he knew Lexa thought about Clarke like he did about clotted cream; they both had their _favourite_ favourites. He slowly began kneading, shoving his claws a little harder than he intended, but they needed to wake up; he needed them to see what he did; they clearly made each other purr the loudest. Or maybe they just needed some tough love. He watched as Lexa’s eyes opened slowly, and Clarke shifted awake beside her. “Clarke, why is Gryffin staring at us?”

He would tell them why. He waited until they had both opened their eyes; then, reaching out, he smacked first Lexa, then Clarke, in the face with his paw, claws retracted; they were suddenly both wide awake. “Gryffin! What was that for, kitty?” Clarke looked flummoxed.

For your obvious stupidity, he said out loud, but his meow just sounded a bit grumpier than usual. Turning away from them, his butt in the air, Gryffin jumped off the bed, running towards the kitchen in search of his breakfast. He had done his job; maybe now they would finally get it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gryffin is all of us right now.
> 
> It has come to my attention that not knowing what day (or year) it is anymore has made me miss an update; so here it is (I can't even remember when it is that I'm making up for, haha). 
> 
> Regular (human perspective) chapter update coming later this evening!


	43. It's not your heart that you've been thinking of

Lexa looked at Clarke, mystified. “Why did we just get smacked awake by Gryffin?”

Clarke shook her head. “I have no clue. He has literally never so much as meowed too loudly at anyone before. What a weirdo.”

Lexa shrugged, stretching her arms out over her head, lowering them around Clarke. “Cats. Delightful little gremlins.” She kissed the top of Clarke’s head. “Good morning.” Clarke sighed, relaxing into Lexa; they lay there for a few minutes, enjoying the quiet and each other. Lexa’s alarm went off a few minutes later; she turned it off. “So it begins.” Clarke kissed Lexa’s shoulder and sat up, tossing the covers off her. She headed to the bathroom; her morning had started a little strangely, but it was probably just going to be another day when it came to work, the same as the last 60-something had been. She never thought she would’ve said this, but her tumultuous love life had managed to effectively keep the sheer boredom of everything else at bay. She looked back at Lexa, who was scrolling through her phone, chewing on the fingernail of her left thumb; after everything they’d been through recently, she was enjoying the calm that had settled over them. Dating Lexa, even in the middle of the crazy circumstances that had brought them together was….peaceful and easy. She knocked gently on the wood of the door as she shut it behind her.

*****

They were absorbed in their own phones over breakfast, each scrolling through their emails and the news as they ate in silence, occasionally reading out headlines to each other. “Partial reopening includes non-essential businesses like retail shops and golf courses.” Clarke looked up, thinking about what she had just read. “Golf courses? Wouldn’t it be awesome if they actually used them as public parks so that more people could get outside safely, instead of like, ten people chugging around in carts?” “Right?” Lexa held up one finger. “Get this. Church and hair salons could open soon. Huh. Why does that seem like not the best idea?” 

Clarke bit into her toast. “Because it isn’t. I’d think those were super high risk places.”

Lexa nodded. “That’s the weird thing; I’m being lulled into a sense of false security that things are going to be fine when we actually have no way of knowing if they are.” She tapped her phone. “This, being bombarded with contradicting news stories, doesn’t help either.”

Clarke opened her mouth to say something, but was interrupted by the sound of her phone ringing. She peeked at the caller. It was Finn. She frowned; why would Finn be calling her this early in the morning? They hadn’t been in touch since their grocery store encounter, which was what, a couple of weeks ago now? She answered the call. “Clarke, hi. It’s me.”

Lexa looked up; she could hear Finn’s voice through the phone; from the expression on Clarke’s face, she could tell she was pretty surprised. She began gathering her things, in case Clarke wanted her privacy.

“Hi, Finn. How are you?” Clarke reached out and covered Lexa’s hand with hers to stop her from leaving; Lexa smiled and nodded, going back to her coffee.

“I’m..okay.” He paused. “Actually, I’m really confused, Clarke. I thought you would at least be honest with me.”

Clarke frowned, mystified. What was he talking about? “Finn, I’m not sure I understand. Are you...are you alright?”

Finn’s inhale was harsh. “See, I’ve been sitting here for the last couple of weeks, wondering why you couldn’t just be honest with me. Why’d you have to go and give me the bullshit about wanting to be alone, when we both know that wasn’t true?”

Clarke rested her forehead in her hand. “Finn, it wasn’t bullshit. I never lied to you about anything. I needed time to sort myself out; we weren’t working.”

“I _saw_ you, Clarke. I saw you with Lexa! You were with her the whole time we were supposed to be on a break. How the hell do you think that makes me feel?”

Lexa scowled; the volume on Clarke’s phone was up enough that she could hear every word. And she didn’t like where this was going. What an idiot this man was.

Clarke sighed. “Finn, Lexa and I weren’t together when you saw us. And I swear to you, nothing happened between her and me when you and I were still together. I don’t know how to make you believe that.”

Finn paused. “Okay, so even if I _do_ believe you, what about in the grocery store? I saw you kiss her, Clarke. Like seconds after you told me you didn’t want to be with anyone.”

Clarke rubbed her temples; it was too early in the morning, at the beginning of such a busy day, to go into this. And what was even the point? “Finn, I never said that. I said I wanted to figure myself out, and I couldn’t do that with _you_.”

“So I was just a hindrance? A roadblock in your path to self-discovery, so you could go back to being your _true_ self?”

Lexa was clenching her coffee mug hard now. If Finn had been in front of her now….

Clarke’s voice rose a pitch. “What? What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

He backed off a little bit. “Nothing.” There was a long pause, Clarke wondered if he was still there, when he spoke again. “Are you and Lexa together?”

Lexa’s eyes met Clarke’s; she held her breath. What was she going to say?

In spite of her tenseness, Clarke’s face had a slight smile on it. “Yes. Yes we are.”

Lexa’s heart was thumping; had Clarke really said that out loud? Her mouth stretched into a huge grin. Clarke, watching her, raised a hand to cup her face, her eyes soft.

Finn’s voice was harsh. “Fantastic. Guess she got what she wanted after all. Good luck to you both. You deserve each other.” He clicked off the call.

Clarke slammed her phone down on the table. On top of everything else, she absolutely _hated_ that he kept hanging up on her. If there weren’t other reasons to break up with Finn, this would have done it for her eventually. She ran her hands through her hair. “Argh. What the fuck was that?”

Lexa took a sip to calm herself down; her annoyance was back. “Sounds like he has some serious issues to work out. He really can’t take no for an answer, huh?”

Clarke shrugged. “Honestly, he wasn’t like this when we dated. A bit clingy, but not this jealous, possessive _dick_.” She looked away. “It’s so disappointing. I was hoping we could be friends, eventually. But I’m not interested if he keeps behaving like this.”

Lexa raised her mug in a mock toast. “Hear, hear. The road from ex to friend is paved with good intentions.” She felt a twinge of pain in her heart; there was still no word from Costia, but she would never give up hoping. She took a sip of her coffee. “But he sounds pretty hung up on you, Clarke. Did he not think it was over that day?”

Clarke shook her head. “No, he knew. I was clear with him. I don’t get it. I guess some people you have to break up with more than once.”

Lexa nodded. “I don’t like the way he talks to you.”

Clarke looked over at Lexa. Her eyebrows were knotted together, her expression was dark. Lexa’s eyes were full of concern. She leaned in, and kissed her softly, resting their foreheads together for a second. “It’s okay. It was just him being immature.” She kissed her again. “I know I’m with someone who knows how to treat me right, now.” It was the truth. She couldn’t fathom Lexa talking to her like that at her worst. 

Lexa nodded, her expression clearing up a little. “You know it, Griffin.” She was still furious with Finn, but didn’t want to make a big deal of it in front of Clarke. Maybe if Finn would act like an adult, maybe they could one day have a heart to heart. Clarke was putting the breakfast plates away. She leaned in and pecked Lexa’s lips before turning to leave the kitchen. “See you later?”

Lexa nodded. “Clarke?” Clarke turned on her way out. “Thanks. For telling him.”

Clarke smiled, and nodded. “It just felt right.” She waved at Lexa, heading to get her day started. 

Lexa watched her disappear up the stairs; she stayed at the table a few more minutes, thinking back to the morning, and to what Clarke had said just now. How far they had come. Still, she couldn’t shake a sense of apprehension that had settled over her. Maybe this was just a strange day. She made a note to check the planetary alignments; it felt like their energies were off kilter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since everyone was missing Finn, apparently. 🙃


	44. Guess there's just some promises you shouldn't make

A big brown paper bag cradled under one arm, with a six-pack of beer in her hand, Lexa swiped her key fob to get access into Clarke’s dorm; her body was still aching from being tensed up to submit her half year honours thesis just under the wire. _Phew._ Her defense the previous day had gone as well as she could have expected; her advisors had poked holes in it, and even though they were encouraging, she knew she had her work cut out for her when she got back for her final semester. But whatever; that was something she would worry about in January. For now, the last of her assignments were done, she was packed and ready for her flight tomorrow afternoon, she’d managed to catch Raven before she had left for winter break in the afternoon, and she was looking forward to spending her last evening on campus hanging out with Clarke. They hadn’t seen each other very much over the last month, and any time they had spent together hadn’t led to anything more than a few steamy kisses; they’d both been too distracted and tired from their academics to have anything more serious happen. As she knocked on Clarke’s door, her pulse quickened; not that she had come here with an agenda, obviously, but she wouldn’t be opposed to something more happening between them tonight. But then, nothing would be okay, too. Kind of. _Friends first_ echoed in her mind as she heard Clarke walk up to her door; a second later, she flung it open.

“Hey, Lex!” Clarke’s face was flushed, her eyes sparkled like blue sapphires, her golden hair half cascaded down the sides of her face, paying no attention to the floral scrunchie she had used to try and keep it on together on top of her head, her denim overalls were held together on one side, the flap drooping down on the other to show off the cropped sleeveless top she wore under them, and which provided the perfect peek of her waist as she turned sideways. Lexa gulped. Clarke looked down at Lexa’s hands, and a wicked expression crossed her face. “And what is your payment for entrance into my realm of magic and whimsy?”

Lexa held up the brown paper bag and six-pack. “Chinese takeout, beer and….me.” She opened her arms out, giving Clarke her best shit-eating grin. Clarke raised an eyebrow at her. “All acceptable; one more so than the others. Enter.”

Lexas stepped inside; all of Clarke’s furniture was to one side of her room; she had long ago taken her bed out of its frame, explicitly ignoring the dorm policies (“Whatever, the Dean of Students probably has a Tempurpedic and has no idea how uncomfortable these shitty beds are”), and her box frame and mattress were lined up on the floor next to to the window; a boston fern and a pothos plant hung from nails she had hammered in herself in the wall by the window (“Nothing a little putty won’t cover up on moving day”), and floor to ceiling sheer white curtains gave the room a laid back, zen vibe. On the windowsill sat Clarke’s collection of crystals and stones, interspersed with a singing bowl, an open bottle of wine and her half-smoked glass pipe; Lexa could make out the faint traces of patchouli and weed in the air, and the fairy lights Clarke had strung up were on. She’d been in here a few times this year, but it was Clarke who mostly came over; she knew Clarke’s room was her own private space, and she had always felt a sort of privilege when Clarke had let her come over. Walking in, she set the food down on Clarke’s desk, pushed to the far corner next to the dresser. The majority of the room was usually dedicated to Clarke’s easel and various canvases of finished or half-finished paintings, and Lexa was always amazed by the sheer number of posters, quotes, poetry, art, medical diagrams, and pictures of human anatomy plastered across the walls (“For inspiration, obviously”). The places Clarke’s mind could go to were limitless, and Lexa had long ago come to realize that with Clarke, it was best to let her take you there if and when she felt like it, rather than for you to try and find your way to where she was in the moment. She had been fascinated by this girl since she was a sophomore, and getting to know her better over the last couple of years had only compounded that fact.

On the floor was a giant piece of plastic, with an extra large, blank canvas on it. Clarke pointed to it excitedly. “You’re right on time. I was about to start on a potential new exhibition piece.”

Lexa uncapped two beer bottles, and handed one to Clarke. They clinked them and took a sip. “Cheers to the end of this hellbat of a semester.” Gulping down some more beer, Lexa looked at the canvas. “Aren’t you tired of painting?”

Clarke shook her head. “No, it’s like the best way to decompress after exams. Want to paint with me?” She batted her eyelashes at Lexa. Lexa sighed. When could she ever say no to Clarke, and especially if she looked at her like that? She looked around for the paintbrushes and Clarke’s palette. Also she could see were a few small jars of paint on the floor next to Clarke, a small jug of water and a rag. “Where are your brushes?” Clarke waved her hand at her suitcase, sitting in the closet. “Oh, I packed them.” She plonked herself cross-legged on the floor. “We’re going to get a little creative.” She patted the space next to her. Lexa sat next to her. “Okay, so we’re just using our body parts to paint.” Lexa raised an eyebrow. “Like fingers?”

Clarke picked up one of the jars, handing it to Lexa. Lexa read the label. _Organic body paint._ She looked up at Clarke. “Oh?” Clarke’s blue eyes were sparkling with mischief; she winked at Lexa. “Fingers, toes….anything else you like.” Lexa’s mouth went dry; her eyes dropped down to Clarke’s lips. Before she knew what was happening, she had leaned in, and their lips met in a passionate, fiery kiss. All their pent-up feelings, everything they had danced around all semester came rushing to them all at once, and neither one of them was able to stop it. They tore the clothes off each other in a frenzy, flinging them everywhere. Clarke dipped two fingers in the bottle of purple and drew a line from the base of Lexa’s neck down to her navel. Lexa groaned when she stopped; she took the jar of gold and traced lines across Clarke’s back; turning her around to kiss her, she circled Clarke’s breasts with the remainder of it. They didn't stop until they were covered in multiple shades. Clarke sat up on her knees, pushing Lexa back against the canvas; she worked her way down to Lexa’s crotch with her tongue; soon, the canvas was covered in a range of colours because of Lexa’s writhing. But Lexa wasn’t going to let Clarke have all the fun; suddenly, she flipped her over, topping Clarke; the splashes of purple were now interlaced with gold; as Lexa sucked on Clarke’s nipples, the painting was suddenly an explosion of their combined skin palettes. They took turns working each other up, until neither could stand it anymore. When she came, Lexa wasn’t sure if the colours she saw before her eyes were real or not; in her mind’s eye, the only thing she saw clearly was Clarke who, judging by the way she was draped over Lexa, out of breath and panting, was in a similar state. As Clarke raised her head for a kiss, Lexa pushed Clarke’s hair out of her eyes, so she could better see the expression in them; what she saw took both her breath and heart away in one fell swoop. Later, when they had showered and eaten, and as Clarke lay with her head on Lexa’s chest, asleep and oblivious, Lexa came to the unequivocal realization that for her, nothing would ever be the same again.

******

In the morning, they stood looking at the still-drying canvas, drinking coffee and eating protein bars from Clarke’s leftover stash. Clarke was waiting for Abby and Jake to come pick her up and had asked Lexa to keep her company. “Incredible.” Clarke whistled through her teeth. “I’ve tried to get that consistency of strokes for years. And the blending of the paint. Wow. I can’t tell where the colours begin and end.” She threw an arm around Lexa’s shoulders and kissed her cheek. “Who knew all it would take for my masterpiece was a night with you?”

Lexa smiled back bashfully. She knew now. And she could never unknow it. She turned to Clarke. “What’s next?” 

Clarke pulled her in for a kiss. “Last night was...amazing. _You_ were amazing, Lex. I’m so glad it...we happened. And I can’t wait to see you again after winter break.” Lexa grinned; maybe Clarke did get it; maybe she knew they couldn’t just be friends anymore. She waited for Clarke to continue. “And I’m so thrilled that I get to have this experience with my best friend. It’s made our friendship so much deeper, so much fuller. Best friends with spectacular benefits has such a nice ring to it.” As Clarke gave her a hug, Lexa’s brow furrowed. What? Had Clarke not seen, not felt, the gravity of what had happened between them last night? But Lexa had seen it with her own eyes; Clarke had felt something, too. Right? Suddenly, all the confidence she had felt the evening before had melted away, replaced by uncertainty. Maybe Clarke didn’t feel the same; maybe Lexa had misunderstood her passionate looks in the heat of the moment for something more than they were. Clarke held her by the forearms, looking at her with a smile. “And, let’s keep this between us, okay? I don’t want people gossiping about something that’s none of their business; that’ll stop making it casual and unassuming.” Clarke’s phone rang; Abby and Jake were downstairs. She turned to Lexa, hanging up. “I only have a couple of suitcases; will you help me with them, Lex? Mom wants to say hi.”

Lexa nodded, her head in a daze, barely even registering what was happening. They made their way downstairs. Clarke dropped her suitcase and launched herself at Abby and Jake in a running hug. Lexa knew she was close to her parents, and she could tell they adored her. She watched them from a distance, trying to quell the whirlpool of emotions raging inside of her. Abby finally walked up to her. “Lexa! So good to see you, my dear.” She enveloped Lexa in a hug. “How was your semester?” Without waiting for an answer, she looked between Clarke and Lexa. “I’m glad you girls got to spend some quality time before break. Clarke always misses you so when she’s home.”

Lexa nodded, desperately trying to collect her thoughts to come up with a response. “Thank you, Abby. Yes, we uh, we hung out. Clarke taught me how to paint last night.” Clarke came up and linked her arm with Lexa’s, looking at her adoringly. “Yeah. Best painting sesh _ever._ Mom, dad, I think we actually created a masterpiece.” Jake laughed as he loaded Clarke’s bags in the car. “I can’t wait to see this. I hope it’ll be part of your portfolio.” Clarke nudged Lexa. “Maybe. Or maybe we’ll make more.” Lexa looked at Abby, whose eyes shot back and forth between her and Clarke, her smile tight. “Yes, well, you’ll have plenty of time when you’re back in January, I’m sure. We should get going, Clarke; it’s a long drive ahead.” Clarke nodded. “I’ll be right there.” 

Abby waved at Lexa. “Bye Lexa, dear. Have a restful and peaceful break. Please give my best to Indra and Gustus.” 

Lexa nodded. “Thank you, I will, Abby. And happy holidays to you. And to you, too, Jake.” He waved and flashed Lexa a friendly grin as he got into the driver’s seat.

Clarke turned to Lexa. “Promise me you’ll text? I’ll miss you.” She played with the ties on Lexa’s sweatshirt. Raising her eyes to Lexa’s, she smiled shyly. “Thanks, Lex. I….it meant a lot. To me.”

Lexa nodded. This would have to do for now. “For me too. Really. And yeah, I’ll text.” She looked away for a second, trying to decide if there was anything else she should say. “Bye, Clarke. Happy holidays.”

They held each other close; Lexa felt Clarke bury her nose in the neck of her sweatshirt and inhale deeply. Then, she pulled away, and left a long kiss on her cheek. Lexa watched as Clarke got in the backseat of the car. She blew Lexa a kiss as Jake drove them away, and waved until the car turned out of sight. Lexa saw her get further and further away, totally confused and utterly powerless to stop the car and ask for her heart back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Lexa.
> 
> P.S. Thanks for your comments and questions, everyone. Sorry for being slow to respond; work's keeping me on my toes this week. I'll get to them, I promise!


	45. I, you, she

Much as she wanted to stay in Clarke’s arms, Lexa knew she couldn’t keep skipping her morning runs. She was already feeling restless and stiff from not moving enough. She glanced over at Clarke. Though, the things they had been up to recently should technically qualify as at least a 10K; Clarke was magic in bed. And well, literally everywhere else. Lexa pressed her lips to Clarke’s. “Good morning.” She continued down her neck, speaking her thoughts in featherlight kisses. Clarke stirred awake. “Hi.” She sighed, opening her eyes. “This is nice.” Lexa slowly extracted herself from Clarke's embrace. Clarke tried to stop her. “Where are you going?” Lexa sat up, slowly. “For my run. I’ve skipped too much. Wanted to say good morning before I leave.”

Clarke groaned. “Ugh. Why doesn’t sex count towards your physical exercise limit? I’m sure it does more good than just running.” She traced a finger up Lexa’s side. Lexa caught her hand and kissed it before it tempted her any more. “Yeah, but where do you think the stamina comes from? She gathered Clarke to her. “How about I make you an offer? I go for my run, you go on your hike if you want, and we meet back here and work off our endorphins in the shower, _together_?”

Clarke’s eyes went dark. “Deal.” She kissed Lexa once, fiercely, then let her go. 

Extending her arms above her head as she loosened up before her run, Lexa thought the day had started off much better than the previous one.

******

A little more than an hour later, Lexa stood in the kitchen, gulping down a giant glass of water. She was covered in sweat, and had a towel draped across her neck; her legs and thighs still burned; she had really pushed herself today. All in all, it was a small price to pay for how good she felt. She looked at her phone; Clarke was probably almost done with her hike. It was still earlyish; she grinned to herself; they would get plenty of time in the shower. The doorbell rang as she poured herself another glass. Setting it down, she hurried to open it. “Did you forget the….” She stopped short. 

Finn stood in front of her, his eyes slightly wild. Lexa quickly gave him the once over. He was dressed in loose grey sweatpants, and a t-shirt with faded yellow lettering partly obscured by the denim jacket he wore over it. She was distracted for a second by trying to read the print, but then kept her eyes moving. The shoelace on his left sneaker was undone. She looked up at his face; it was partly obscured by a scraggly, patchy beard, and his hair, always on the longish side, was practically down to his shoulders. Lexa tilted her head; he did have beautiful hair, but it was always a bit on the cheesy side; who did it remind her of? She was shaken out of her thoughts by Finn’s voice. “Lexa. Where’s Clarke?”

Lexa scowled. As if she would tell him. She stepped outside, shutting the door behind her, standing in front of it with her arms crossed. “Good morning to you too, Finn. To what do I owe this….pleasure, I guess?”

He held up his hand. “Don’t play with me, Lexa. Anyway, it doesn’t matter where Clarke is; it’s you I want to see.” He puffed up his chest, shifting his jacket open slightly. Lexa glanced down at it. Nickelback. He was wearing a fucking Nickelback t-shirt. She couldn’t keep the smirk off her face, but she made sure it was gone before Finn could catch it. She squared her shoulders. He didn’t intimidate her in the least; especially not after that. “Well, here I am. What do you want?”

He let out a harsh laugh. “I want to know what you did to Clarke.” 

She raised her eyebrows. “Excuse me?”

Finn pointed a finger at her. “We were happy, her and me, until you showed up. We were going to move in together; I was, I was going to propose to her this summer.” A muscle twitched in his jaw. “And then you came into our lives, and fucked it all up.”

Lexa pinched the bridge of her nose with her index finger and thumb. This was getting ridiculous; she felt like she was on a daytime soap opera. “Finn. Clarke told you clearly, _twice_ , that it wasn’t working for her.” She watched his mouth tremble, and almost felt sorry for him. “You’ve got to let it go, man. I’m sorry it didn’t work out between you two, I really am.” She saw his shoulders deflate. Maybe she was getting through after all. “Look, if you need to talk to someone….”

That was the wrong thing to say. His eyes blazed all of a sudden. “You’re the last person on this planet I would talk to, Lexa. You’re acting so righteous, but I’m not blind. I saw how you looked at Clarke when we were together; I know what you were trying to do.” He paused, dramatically running a hand through his hair. Lexa had a sudden moment of recognition. Fabio. He looked like an imitation Fabio. Finn burst out. “You _destroyed_ us, Lexa. You killed a happy couple; you’re a vampire with a stake.” Lexa tried to keep it together; she really did. But the absurdity of the situation, of Finn's completely illogical statement, combined with his sheer delusion, was just too much. She felt the mirth rise up in her chest and before she knew it, she had thrown her head back, and her clear laughter cut through the light morning air, reverberating through her entire body. She wiped a tear off her cheek. Finn stared at her, flabbergasted; his jaw dropped. His face twisted into an ugly kind of anger. “You’re a bitch, Lexa.” 

Lexa stopped laughing, but the humour didn’t leave her eyes. “Real mature, Finn. But I’ll take that as a compliment. And I won’t even call you an assclown.” She was unfazed, and frankly, a little bored. “Is there anything else you wanted to say to me?”

Finn glared at her. “Just so you know, Clarke really isn’t that into you, either.”

Lexa’s brow furrowed. He was trying to get a rise out of her, she knew that; but she felt a slight whisper of doubt. “What the hell would you know, Finn?”

Finn’s eyes glinted; he sensed he had put a finger on a nerve. He pressed down on it. “She didn’t even think of you, Lexa, for all these years. In fact, she doesn't even consider you a friend.” His mouth curved into a malicious grin. “She said you were Raven’s friend; and that she and you were barely acquaintances in college. So don’t fool yourself.”

Lexa’s breath quickened. Why on earth would Clarke say that? Why would she lie about their friendship? She felt some of her old uncertainty rise to the surface; Clarke didn’t mean that, did she? Surely that wasn’t true; look how good they had been together; Clarke was serious about them this time, right? Without meaning to, she snapped at Finn. “Tell yourself whatever you want. I don’t care.”

Finn pushed on, determined to cause whatever damage he could. “Oh yeah? She’ll throw you by the wayside, Lexa, just like she did with me. So wipe that smirk off your face. And come find me when you need to get wasted when she breaks your heart.”

Lexa flexed her hands open and close. “Finn, I’m telling you now. Just leave, before things get nasty. You aren’t thinking straight. You’re being ugly.”

It was Finn’s turn to laugh. “Aww, poor Lexa. She’s got so many feelings _._ And she’s so cool, because she lives like a tumbleweed. You’re exactly Clarke’s type. For a distraction.” He paused. “No wonder she fell right into your lap; she must have been creaming her panties for you.” He snapped his fingers. “But don’t worry, when you’ve fucked her hard just like she wants it, you’ll be gone like that.”

Lexa could feel her anger rise up to her face so fast, the heat emanated off her cheeks. It was one thing for Finn to lash out and hurt her; she would deal with the consequences of his words later. But this was the point of no return. “Take that back, you piece of shit. You know what, it’s no wonder she dumped you. You’re a fucking _pig._ I mean, _look_ at you, man; you’re pathetic. Clarke has more character in one fingernail than you do in your entire, sad soul.” Finn looked down, as if he was seeing himself for the first time. “You’ll never be good enough, Finn. And it sucks to have to live with knowing that.” Lexa’s voice was calm, and cold. “If you so much as _look_ at Clarke again, I will personally make sure you regret it. Now fuck off.”

Finn’s head shot up. “Is that a threat?” It wasn’t to her; she thought of it more as a warning. Finn took a step towards her. “Are you threatening me, Lexa?” His fists were clenched by his sides.

“Finn! Get away from her!” Clarke’s voice rang out as she ran up to the front porch, inserting herself between Finn and Lexa. Finn’s expression immediately changed; he looked completely submissive. “Clarke, I wasn’t going to do anything, I swear.” 

Clarke was furious. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” She held up her hands. “You know what. I don’t even care anymore. Get out. I never want to see you again.”

Finn looked at her a few seconds, as if debating his next move. Lexa stepped closer to Clarke, ready in case he tried anything. As they watched, he dropped his head down, taking a deep breath. He turned to leave. “You know what, this is bullshit. You’re both so fucked in the head, I’ll be dead before you figure your shit out. And I hope you make each other miserable doing it.” He walked to his car, clicking his remote in two short spurts.

Lexa cupped her hands to her mouth. “ _Finally_ he gets it. Good fucking riddance.” She slow clapped her hands as Finn got in and slammed the door. He pulled away, tires screeching. Without turning his head, he flicked them off as he drove off, gravel flying everywhere. 

Clarke turned to Lexa, touching her arm. “Lex, he didn’t hurt you, did he?” Her eyes were wide, suddenly full of tears. She had been so scared for a second; what if she hadn’t gotten there in time, and he had done something to Lexa? She wouldn’t have thought Finn was capable of it until recently, but his behaviour right now had scared her. 

Lexa looked at her; she wiped a tear off Clarke’s cheek, and smiled to reassure her. “No. I’m fine. He didn’t touch me.” She pulled Clarke in for a hug; she could feel her tremble. Kissing the top of Clarke’s head, she tried to lighten the mood. “My knight in shining armour. Thank you for coming to your lady’s rescue.”

Clarke laughed, but it was heavy with tears. “I should say the same. I walked up in time to hear you defending my honour.” She looked up and kissed Lexa. “Lucky me.” She nestled her head against Lexa’s shoulder; Lexa held her tight, rubbing soothing circles on her back. That whole encounter had unsettled her. She couldn’t get what he had said out of her mind; Finn was a prize asshole, but had he been right about Clarke getting tired of her? As Lexa stood there trying to sort through her feelings, she knew her heart wouldn’t be able to take that happening again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's that, with Finn. He is so damn hard to write; why does his character have no redeeming qualities? Like Lexa puts it, he's a total assclown.


	46. You drive a hard bargain

“Do you think we should be worried?” Clarke asked, tucking in a leg under her. They were sitting on the back porch, eating breakfast; they’d decided to skip the shower for now. Clarke was still a little shaken from Finn’s visit.

Lexa thought about it for a moment; she was still irritated. “No. I don’t think he’ll try anything else. Frankly, he’s a coward." 

Clarke sighed. “I really dodged a bullet there. Wow.” She was embarrassed. “You’re probably wondering what’s wrong with me.” Lexa looked at her questioningly. “How I could date someone like him.” Clarke felt a blush rising to her cheeks; she didn’t know why it mattered what Lexa thought about this; it was important, though.

Lexa’s smile was kind. Clarke swore that sometimes she could see right through to her core. “We love who we love. There has to be something good in him to have made someone like you want to be with him. No judgment, Clarke.” She brought Clarke’s hand to her lips and kissed it. “Not now, not ever, for anything. I need you to know that. Okay?”

Clarke nodded, shyly; she was a puddle of mush for this girl. “Thanks, Lex.” They were silent for a few moments, watching the tide ebb and flow. “What did he want?”

Lexa hesitated. She wanted to spare Clarke the most annoying parts of it. But, if there was one thing she had learned from the shit show with Costia was that there would be no more secrets. She didn’t handle them well at all, and frankly, they just came back with double the power and malignance, eventually. “Well, he wanted to know what I’d done to make you break up with him. I tried to tell him that you’d already made it clear a couple of times that it wasn’t about us, but that you and him weren’t working. He didn’t like that, obviously.” She looked over at Clarke, asking softly, “Did I get that right?”

Clarke nodded; her breakup with Finn wasn’t Lexa’s fault in the slightest. If anything, her presence had only shown Clarke, loud and clear, that she deserved better. “He shouldn't have said that. I’m sorry, Lexa. Are you okay?”

Lexa nodded. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. He was just lashing out honestly.” A corner of her mouth raised into a smile. “Didn’t realize he was a Nickelback fan.” 

Clarke snorted. “Oh, man. That rag of a shirt. He knew I hated it; I made him change out of it every time. And skip the stupid songs, when they came on. I bet he put it on today to piss me off.” She shook her head. “Well, that’s that. Hopefully he’ll take the time he needs to finally grow up.” 

Lexa bit her lip; she needed to ask the question now, or she never would. “Clarke, there was one more thing.” Clarke turned her head, waiting for her to continue. “He said you told him we were just acquaintances in college. And that I was Raven’s friend, not yours, when I came to stay.” A flicker of hurt passed through Lexa’s eyes. “Was that true?”

Clarke nodded, looking into the distance. “Yeah, yeah I did tell him that.” 

Lexa’s face tightened. Huh. “Why, though?” 

Clarke took in a deep breath. Because you hurt me so badly I thought I would die if I didn’t tell myself that lie every day, she wanted to say. “Because I didn’t know where we stood, Lexa. For a long time. I’m sorry if that hurt you. And I also didn’t want to involve Finn in our past; it wasn’t any of his business, honestly.” She looked at Lexa, willing her to understand; they needed to move on from the past; Clarke knew with where they were now, opening up that can of worms would get ugly. And she wasn’t ready to give up this dream she was living in with Lexa. In a way, they’d created their own version of reality under the pressure of being forced together in this pandemic, and she wanted to live in it for as long as she could. She needed Lexa to understand that.

Lexa’s eyes moved over her face, as if looking for clues for what Clarke was trying to tell her. Clarke could almost see the thoughts flying through her head. Finally, she nodded. “Okay. That’s fair, I guess. But I hope you know where we stand now.” Her eyes bore into Clarke.

Clarke nodded; she was getting there, she could feel it so strongly most of the time. “I do.” She smiled at Lexa; it was more than a little tinged with relief. She looked at her phone. “I should go get ready.” Standing up, she slipped her phone in her pocket, and picked up her plate and mug. She turned to Lexa; their kiss was tender, full of things they had both been saying in all but words so far. “Have a good day, Lex.” She knew she wasn’t getting a lunch break today.

Lexa smiled and nodded. She sat outside for a while after Clarke had left. Clarke wasn’t telling her everything; she knew that. But she was ready for whatever she had to say, whenever Clarke faced up to it. Lexa set her jaw in determination. It would take as long as it would take. She was all in, and here to stay. Now she only needed for Clarke to see that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okayokay, I'll stop picking on Nickelback....but it's so easy. Also, TGIF!!


	47. You say we're halfway home

The sink was backing up; Lexa frowned, pausing rinsing out the kale. Hmm. She’d been lost in thought and hadn’t noticed it was halfway full already. She checked the stopper; it wasn’t wedged in too tight; she removed it entirely. Maybe the water needed more space to flow through. No luck. She rummaged through the small basket of cleaning supplies under the sink to see if she could find something to help; she found a bristly thin brush, narrow as a pencil. Maybe this would work; it looked like something used for this kind of stuff. She shoved it into one one of the four holes of the drain, moving her hand back and forth quickly, trying to unwedge whatever it was causing the clog. She stopped after about a minute, waiting. Maybe now? She could see her distorted reflection in the bubbles floating along the surface of the water. The level didn’t budge. Sighing, she crouched down under the sink, taking a look at the pipes underneath. It looked like she was going to have to go in; rolling up her sleeves, she inspected them more closely. It looked like a fairly standard setup: a metal pipe coming through the top, a U-bend that led to a horizontal one that went straight into the wall. She could fix this; there was probably a block in the U-bend or something. It would probably take all of five minutes.

Standing up, she debated asking Clarke where the tools were kept, but then decided against bothering her; she seemed to be having another busy day. She opened the door to the basement and, turning on the light, went downstairs. She spotted the toolkit almost immediately; it sat to the corner in the right, within easy access. She looked around quickly before going back up; she would have liked to explore a bit; maybe some of Clarke’s old artworks were down here, like that old canvas they had “painted” together the first time they had slept together. Clarke’s ploy had worked perfectly; she blushed at the memories of that night as they came flooding back to her now. Clarke’s confidence to go after what she wanted really was legendary, and it worked every time. Like for instance the fact that a decade later, she still had Lexa exactly where she wanted her without even realizing it yet. Lexa shook her head. Soon, soon. 

Back in the kitchen, she cleared out the space under the sink for better access underneath. Hmm, the pipe really was quite old; the metal had a fine layer of corrosion and calcification coating it. Clarke really wasn’t kidding when she had said the landlord had put no effort into fixing this place up before they had moved in. The U-bend was made of plastic, and it looked much newer than the rest of the piping. This wasn’t the first time they’d had plumbing issues here, apparently. Lexa fished through the toolkit, looking for something to loosen the U-bend from the top pipe. She found a wrench; setting it against the plastic compression pipe, she adjusted the lever until it was tight. Turning it a couple of times, she wiggled it; it was still firmly in place. Getting onto her knees, she put her face closer, trying to get a better view of what she was doing. She tried again, putting a little more force into it; it was as if it was glued in place. Lexa paused; it was all or nothing now. Sometimes you just had to go for it. Bracing herself, she pushed against the wrench, hard, feeling her shoulders and biceps tense up. After a couple of seconds, she felt a slow give; she kept pushing. Before she had any idea what was happening, she heard a sharp crack; as if in slow motion, she watched the top pipe break in a clean half, the corrosion making it simpler for it to fall apart before her. She was shaken out of her shock by a jet of cold water bursting onto her face, smarting her eyes as she stared at it. Umm, what was she supposed to do now? “Oh, no, no, no. Oh, shit.” She burst out, completely helpless.

******

Clarke hit the _delete_ button for what seemed like the hundredth time in the last fifteen minutes; the email she was composing had to be just right. Finally, after hammering away on her keyboard for another few minutes, she thought she’d gotten it this time. Checking that she had the graphic invite attached, she read through it once more.  
  


_Hello friends and fam, old and new:_

_As you all know, a certain green-eyed lady recently re-entered our lives (or we did, hers) like a supernova. And her birthday’s coming up, as you may or may not remember. So, because she deserves to be celebrated, and because we need no excuse to talk, connect and celebrate with each other, let’s have a Zoom birthday party for Lexa? It will be so good to see you all online, until we can see each other in person, hopefully someday soon._

_Invite with deets is attached; please RSVP. BYOB/cake. I’ll send out the Zoom invite closer to the date; if you can’t make it, we’ll miss you, but you'll be there in great spirits, I’m sure. :)_

_Party soon,  
_ _Clarke_

_P.S. Lexa doesn’t know, it’s a surprise!_

  
Checking the recipient list, she hoped she had everyone’s addresses right; she’d lucked out a few days earlier when Lexa had left her email up and gone to the washroom, and she’d snooped through for Gustus and Anya’s addresses; it hadn't been fun to do, but the end had justified the means, is what she had told herself. Just as she hit _Send,_ she heard Lexa’s voice echoing through the house. _Oh, no, no, no. Oh, shit_. Pushing her chair back, she bolted downstairs. When she reached the kitchen entrance, she stopped dead, taking in the scene and trying not to laugh out loud. Lexa sat in a puddle on the floor by the kitchen sink, her knees drawn up, her elbows resting on them, as she spat out water; she could see spurts of it coming from the pipe. Lexa turned her head, noticing her. “Oh, hey.” She looked sheepish, and pointed to the sink. “Nailed it.”

Clarke walked up to her, chuckling. “What did you do?”

Lexa filled Clarke in. “It literally just fell apart in my hands.”

Clarke leaned in, tapping in a couple of places.. “It’s an easy fix; I need to run to the hardware store; should be back in thirty.” 

Lexa looked slightly alarmed. “Crap. I didn’t realize you’d have to go out. I’m an idiot. I was just trying to help. I’ll go. Tell me what you need.”

Clarke shook her head, amused. “Mmm mmm. You’ve already shown me your mad skills.” She watched Lexa’s ears turn a pretty shade of pink. Leaning in, she kissed her, not caring about getting her own face wet. “How many astrophysicists does it take to fix a kitchen sink?”

Lexa rolled her eyes, laughing. “None. We’re useless.”

Clarke winked at her and walked to the door, grabbing her keys. “Be right back. Don’t worry.” She checked her purse for her face mask, and stepped out.

Lexa sighed as she brought out the mop and began cleaning up. Dyke fail. She was curious to see if Clarke would fare any better.

True to her word, Clarke was back in about twenty minutes with a small cardboard box. As Lexa watched, she tied her hair up in a loose knot, grabbed the wrench and in one quick motion, had detached the U-bend from the pipe. “Gross.” She emptied out the debris and junk in the trash, and waited for the stopped up water to empty out into the bucket Lexa had placed under it. Then, in a matter of seconds, she had removed the broken pipe and replaced it with a new one, screwing everything back up neatly. She ran the water for a few minutes, watching it flow smoothly through. Turning around to Lexa, who had had her mouth slightly open, watching her in awe, she waved at it triumphantly. “And we’re back in business.”

Lexa walked up her, slipping her arms around Clarke's waist. “That was totally hot.” She kissed her. “Will you build me a cabin in the woods?”

Clarke put her arms around Lexa’s neck. “Depends on what the payment is.” 

Lexa’s eyes flashed. “How about we discuss terms in the shower?” 

Clarke nodded vigorously, grabbing her hand as she practically dragged Lexa upstairs. 

As they stripped, Lexa thought that if everything else so far hadn’t proven it, this was just more evidence of how well they fit together. Gathering Clarke to her, she knew that if she could help it, she was never letting go of her again. A part of her began to wonder how much longer it would take Clarke to figure that out herself, but then she was lost in her touch, all thoughts disappearing into the steam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! How is everyone's weekend? 
> 
> Couple of announcements. I've been plotting and planning what's to come with Clexa over the next chapters. So, we're hitting home stretch, folx, at least for this part of the story. As you all know by now, I'll never compromise a story's arc (I wouldn't rush it, so I won't slow it down without reason, either). Your trust in the story, and in me, is what's most important. But, we've still got quite a few loose ends, and of course, The Big Reveal. So, we're looking a week or two, or something in that range. I suspect knowing this agony will eventually end will come as a relief, since you've all been following along so patiently.
> 
> BUT.....I have planzzzzz.....and I'm going to need your opinion on some of what's going to come after. So, stay tuned for more on that.
> 
> Also, I Tumbld. By which I mean I finally created a Tumblr account (there's not enough space to discuss my metaphorical tumbles through life on here). Thought we could chat there some, if anyone's interested. I'll also be posting Love Lockdown Clexa trivia, insight into the characters' back stories/answers to questions people have had or will have, etc. etc. And open to one-shot prompts for future works, if you're not tired of me yet. How am I a card-carrying queer without a Tumblr account so far, you ask? What can I say, I'm full of surprises that way.
> 
> https://anansianansi.tumblr.com/. Check it out if you like!


	48. There must be some kind of way out of here

It was a slow day; it was the last few weeks before summer break, and the majority of Lexa’s students were in the throes of taking their online exams; for the younger ones, it was a question of completing their coursework, and thanks to her rigorous tutoring schedule up to now, her students were well prepped to handle the end of classes almost entirely by themselves. She would still be tutoring them in the evenings for the next few weeks, but for now at least, she had a bit of respite. She’d taken the morning slow after breakfast with Clarke, using it to do laundry, catch up on emails and fix a huge salad. She knew Clarke’s day was relatively laidback as well; maybe they’d have some time to eat lunch together. But, that was still about an hour away; staring at the cardboard box of documents that had been couriered to her weeks ago, she knew she had finally run out of excuses.

Pursing her lips, she pulled out the giant pile of documents, stacking them across the kitchen table in groups. Gustus had put them together meticulously, as usual. They were clipped using handbag clips and staples. His generous but neat cursive on large sticky notes gave her the lay of the land. She picked up the first pile. _Your trust fund payouts._ It was a good thing that he made her review all this once a year; otherwise she would have had no idea where to even begin with all this information. She read through the stack slowly, making notes for things to ask Gustus about for clarification. By the time she got to the end of it, the condensed message was that her payouts were set to increase yearly, thanks to maturing and astute investments that Gustus had been making since he took over handling her family’s finances. She looked down at his note: _Though not for a couple of years; the pandemic will mean some of your investments will have taken a hit; but I’m told they’ll bounce back soon enough. Chin up!_ She shook her head, wryly; the current payout she had was more than enough for her, and would be for as long as she could see, unless….her heart skipped a beat. When all of this was over, would Clarke and she want to find a place together? That was a post-pandemic question, Lexa reminded herself. And a post-Clarke’s uncertainties question. But, it was a nice feeling, thinking that they had a real, grown up future together if they wanted it. Lexa held on to it, tucking it deep inside herself for safekeeping.

The next stack was named _Business stocks._ Lexa read through these quickly. After her parents’ death, their businesses had been sold, but Lexa had been given majority or slightly less than stakes across all of them. The note was short: _Going well as usual, though we can expect lower reporting/dividends for the next year or two; absolutely nothing to worry about, in the greater scheme of things. And, do you want me to proxy for you again? If yes, sign and send me back the indicated documents._ Lexa made a note to let him know she would be taking over her shareholder responsibilities now that she was back in the country; it was the least she could do for all the years he had held the fort for her. The next pile was called _Real Estate._ Lexa flipped through it quickly; it was a list of all the rental properties that were part of the Woods Inc. Group, with a detailed accounting of their income and expenses, compiled by the rental management company Gustus had hired. Lexa read the last line: _While we expect this year to impact the bottomline, given the robust past five years or so, we’re also expecting to come out of this strong._ They had given her a handy dandy estimate of the expected income for the coming year; Lexa whistled under her breath: this was a _bad_ year? She thought back to her conversation with Indra and Gustus a couple of months ago; maybe it was time to figure out what to do about all of this. She was so lost in pondering, that she didn’t hear Clarke walk into the kitchen. “Am I interrupting, Lexa?” Clarke was looking at the mountain of paper, seeming a little startled by its volume. “I’ll just grab lunch and leave you alone.”

Lexa shook her head, beckoning her to come closer. “No, no, I’m done, pretty much.” She picked up the stacks and put them on one of the chairs. They served themselves, heading back to the table. Clarke eyed Lexa; she seemed especially pensive. She cleared her throat after a few minutes. “Big things to think about?” She motioned towards the documents with her fork.

Lexa nodded. “Yeah. Finally got around to reviewing my fund and other documents that Gustus has been bugging me about.”

Clarke nodded; she knew Lexa was well off financially, but didn’t want to pry. Lexa had never more than hinted at it, so she was content to leave it alone, too.

Lexa looked up at her. “I don’t know what to do with all this money.”

Clarke let out a surprised laugh. “Well, that’s a problem the majority of the world would like to have. Especially right now, given the number of people out of work, Lex.”

Lexa flushed. “You’re right; I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound crass.” Her cheeks burned. Did Clarke think she was a spoiled trust fund brat? “That was a shitty, entitled thing to say.”

Clarke eyed her for a second; she knew that was the last thing Lexa was. “No. I just...don’t know why you’re so conflicted about it.” She covered one of Lexa’s hands with hers. “You’re not entitled, Lexa. You’ve created your own life and career away from your family’s money. That’s the furthest thing from selfish and spoiled. But, the Woods’ money is yours. You _are_ a Woods.”

Lexa’s smile was grateful, but a little tinged with sadness. “It’s just….” This was so hard. She had never said this out loud to anyone. “It reminds me of _them_. I just feel so damn guilty. Like I would trade all this in if I could have one more day with my parents, you know?” There was a torrent of emotions swirling in her green eyes.

Clarke nodded. “Yeah, I get that. But Lex, you could use the money to honour their legacy, too. Like a foundation, or something, if you find you’re not using all of it.”

Lex looked at her like she had just rubbed two sticks together and created fire. Why hadn’t she thought of that before? Why had she spent all these years agonizing over what to do with the money she didn’t spend? It would be the perfect thing to do; scholarships, donations, philanthropy, fair and green investing, interest-free loans for STEM research and startups, the sky was the limit. A wide grin spread across her face. She jumped out of her chair. Grabbing Clarke’s face, she planted an excited but deep kiss on her lips. “You’re a genius. Thank you. Thank you. I’m going to call Gustus today.”

Clarke blushed, nodding. If Lexa was going to look at her like _that_ , she would make sure she never ran out of "genius" ideas. They went back to their lunch; Lexa’s mood had changed completely; as Clarke looked at her, she realized that Lexa looked lighter than she had ever seen her. Looking down, she smiled to herself; she had been partly responsible for it. That knowledge filled her up with a quiet, unshakeable joy.


	49. Circles and triangles

“Are you packed?” Abby asked, sipping on her chablis. She used her fork to cut into a small piece of leftover Christmas cake sitting on her plate. On Clarke’s final night at home before winter semester, they were sitting together in the family room. Jake was in his recliner by the fire, catching up on his latest car engineering magazines, sipping on a beer; occasionally he would chime in, but he mostly seemed content to let his wife and daughter chat amongst themselves.

Clarke looked up from her sketch, and nodded. She held up her left hand, as if to frame Abby’s shoulders, then moved her hand to the right as if to capture Jake in the same way. “Yeah, all done. I need to put that last load of shirts in the dryer before bed.” She went back to her drawing.

Abby was quiet for a few minutes. “Is this going to be a very busy semester?”

Clarke nodded. “Yeah, mostly with art honours. I was done with med school pre-reqs in the fall.” She rubbed an edge of the charcoal line to smudge it slightly. “I just hope they don’t make me wait till like, June to get back to me."

Abby shook her head. “They probably won’t. Not after your interview went so well, darling."

Clarke nodded, half-heartedly. She took a gulp of her beer, wiping her foamstache off with the sleeve of her sweatshirt. She wished she felt as confident as her mother did. “Yeah, let’s see. I applied to that summer art fellowship upstate, by the way. Four months in the wilderness, practically, with no Internet or distractions. Just art.” 

Abby looked at her with her eyebrows raised. “Are you sure you don’t want to be doing something less intense before you start med school? Something more fun?”

Clarke rolled her eyes at her mother. “Art _is_ fun, mom.” Jake looked at her and winked. She knew he got it; she was happiest when she was painting. “So, no, thank you.”

“Well, I just meant that if you wanted to take it easy, maybe travel a bit, you could do that, too. What about if you do the shorter session, the two-month one? You could go see Raven and Lexa over the summer, spend a few days with each of them.”

Clarke thought it over for a few seconds. “That’s not a bad idea, actually. Hmm. Let’s see if I get accepted into the program; it’s super competitive. They only take 10 people, and get like 8000 applications or something crazy like that every year. I’ll figure out the schedule then. Besides, Lexa might not even be around.”

“Oh no?” Abby sounded surprised. “What is she going to do?"

“She’s mentioned applying to the Peace Corps. If she gets in, she’ll have to go over the summer, I think.” Clarke shrugged. “So, I dunno. Maybe the four months will be better after all.” 

Abby eyed her over the top of her glass. “You’ll really miss her, won’t you?” Clarke didn’t say anything.

Lexa and she had been texting back and forth all month; she didn’t want to think about how this was their last semester together. Abby continued, her voice sounding far away. “I had you girls’ kind of friendship once. It was probably one of the most intense relationships of my life, apart from with your father. Purely platonic, but still. She really was my best friend.” She paused. “I missed her terribly the summer after college.”

Jake looked at Abby. “Monica? That’s her, right? I remember her wedding was such a blast.”

Abby smiled at him. “That’s the one.” 

Clarke stalled her hand and looked up at them. “How come you’ve never mentioned her?”

Abby shrugged. “Oh you know, we lost touch after her wedding. Went our separate ways. I had you, and your father, and I was completing my residency….” she trailed off. “Maybe I’ll look her up on Facebook. See how she’s doing.”

Clarke finished the rest of her beer in one solid gulp. She was never going to let that happen with Lexa and her. She didn’t want to have to think about losing Lexa in any way. They had been texting almost constantly all break, and she still missed her intensely. She couldn’t wait to see her. And frankly, she hadn’t stopped thinking about their night together. From Lexa’s texts, neither had she, apparently. Her heartbeat picked up speed at the thought of being alone with Lexa again. By this time the next day, she would be. She put away the charcoal, wiping her hands on a rag she had with her. Standing up, she looked at her parents. “I should go to bed. Aren’t we leaving early tomorrow morning?” Jake nodded. “Seven AM, in the car. He smiled at her. “Don’t worry, I won’t even play my dad-rock for the first three hours. I know you need your beauty sleep.” Clarke stuck her tongue out at him; it was true. She would be asleep for half the trip, probably. She waved at them, stopping at the bottom of the stairs for a second before going up. Abby had picked up a book off the side table. Jake had moved next to her on the couch, his arm around her, his head down as he read, too. Clarke sighed. Her parents were still so in love with each other; she had known this as a fact her entire life. Maybe she would be lucky enough to find her soulmate, too. But she had a long way to go, still. She’d never even been in love with anyone before. She pulled out her phone to text Lexa as she shut the door to her room. 

_How was dinner?_

Lexa’s response was quick. _Good. I &G always get so sappy on my last night before going back. 8-) _

Clarke laughed. She knew Lexa loved them back just as much. _Whatever. You’ll barely eat anything the whole first week back because you miss Indra’s cooking so much._

_Truth. Though you know what I won’t miss anymore? You._

Clarke blushed. It had been like this all break. Their conversations had gone from casual to casually flirty in a second. She liked it, this new dynamic with Lexa.

_Is that so? Want to show me how much tomorrow night?_

_Oh. Hell. Yes._

Clarke bit her lip, trying to figure out what this new feeling churning around in her chest was. There was the usual stirring of desire that turned into full blown lust by the end of her conversations with Lexa, which she knew how to handle easily, either with her own fingers or her vibrator. But, lately, there had been another, deeper rush that lingered; it stayed after she’d taken care of herself, surrounding her as she fell into sleep, greeting her when she woke up. It crept up on her at random times of the day, almost always when she caught herself thinking of Lexa and it usually led to her texting her, wanting to hear from her at once. Clarke couldn’t figure it out. Maybe this was the intense level of friendship her mother was talking about. Though they really were stretching the definition of "platonic" to its extremes. But still, what was that Gertrude Stein line that everyone loved to paraphrase to mess around with? Friend is a friend is a friend is a friend. She turned back to her phone, wanting to wish Lexa goodnight before turning in herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you want to enlighten Clarke about this "new" feeling, or shall I?


	50. Gooey

She didn’t want to do it; but if she was going to get anywhere with this, she would have to. She’d wasted far too much time overthinking and agonizing about it already, and if she was actually serious, she was going to have to start planning now. Sighing, Clarke moved out of Lexa’s embrace, leaving a soft kiss on her jawline as she moved to the other side of the couch. Lexa pressed the pause button and looked at her, curiously. “Do I smell?” Clarke laughed, and put her feet in Lexa’s lap, adjusting the cushion behind her head. “No, silly. Just needed to stretch my legs a bit.” She picked up her phone. Noticing that Lexa hadn’t started the show back on, she waved at the screen. I’ve already seen the first two seasons of _Killing Eve_ , remember? I’m just waiting for you to catch up so we can watch the third one together.” Clarke wiggled her toes, signalling that she wanted a foot rub. “Isn’t it so good, though?”

Lexa nodded. “Yeah, I’m hooked. I’m going to end up binging this show, and then have serious withdrawals after we’re through it.” She turned it back on, and putting the remote aside, began massaging Clarke’s feet, feeling out the tension with her fingers and gently pushing down with her thumbs to ease it out. In a few moments, she was riveted; Villanelle’s twisted morality was fascinating, and Sandra Oh was the queen of every character she embodied, as usual. Lexa couldn’t figure out who she was rooting for; it kept flip flopping with every scene. 

Clarke watched her out of the corner of her eye; when she was sure that Lexa was absorbed, she began tapping out searches on her phone. _Molten dark chocolate cake._ The first link took her to an elaborate-looking recipe, complete with freshly whipped cream and homemade gelato. She checked the total prep time: _2 hours, 25 minutes._ Okay, there was no way that would work; she was going to get an hour, maybe an hour and twenty tops. She had secretly been timing Lexa’s runs for the last week. Her precision was impressive; Lexa was always back by the time Clarke returned from her hike, but since she would either be stretching on the back porch, or be cooling off and downing a protein shake, Clarke had been guessing she had been back anywhere between an hour and an hour and a half. Maybe she should skip her hike tomorrow just to make sure. Clarke modified her search term. _Molten dark chocolate cake quick easy_. Within minutes, she had found a recipe she liked. _20-25 minutes_. Okay, good. She could prep it ahead of time, and then maybe bake it during the party call; the secret would be out by then anyway. She bookmarked the recipe on her phone. She remembered how surprised she had been when she had found out that the famously fortuitous cake hack was Lexa’s favourite kind of dessert. They had been at the local ice cream shop one day in their junior year, and Lexa had whooped with joy at the handwritten sign that had announced lava chocolate cakes. “I freaking LOVE these. They’re the best.” Clarke had raised her eyebrows, as she licked the sides of her strawberry shortcake cone carefully. “Really? I would have pegged you for a fruity mousse kind of woman.” Lexa shook her head vigorously. “Oh, no. The darker and chocolaty- _er,_ the better.” It was one of Lexa’s few indulgences, she had learned.

Right about now, she was thankful, because it was so easy to make. She wondered if Lexa suspected anything; she had tried to seem as blasé as she could be. It had probably worked because well, she hadn’t exactly been there for the last ten of Lexa’s birthdays. She felt a slight pang of hurt; would Lexa ever know that she had spent that day every year thinking of her, and of them? That Clarke would scroll through old photos of them saved on backups of her computer, and wonder how she was doing? Clarke looked over at Lexa, watching her face; it was like holding up a tracing of the image of her Clarke had held on to tight in her mind for so many years, and placing it against the original. Finally, finally, she had Lexa here with her, and as hers. The tingling inside of her rose up sweet and slow; the realization that they really were dating, like actually _dating_ made Clarke smile to herself and blush; she hadn’t really given it much thought until this moment; being with Lexa, being surrounded by her, and getting to relearn her had kept her completely occupied. But, as she sat here, planning Lexa’s surprise party, feeling herself relax under her touch, Clarke knew she wanted to keep a piece of this feeling with her forever. Her brow furrowed a little; in spite of everything, she didn’t know what Lexa was thinking; she might leave again. Not wanting to think about what that would do to her, Clarke shifted and sat up; her sudden movement distracted Lexa, who looked at her with concern. “Everything okay?”

Clarke nodded; she suddenly felt very shy. “Lex, can I ask you something?”

Lexa stopped the show. “Of course. Anything.” Her eyes searched Clarke’s looking for clues.

“So, you know….we’re dating. And I’ve already told one person…..Finn.” Lexa nodded, waiting for her to continue. “And he hardly counts. So, I was thinking….” She reached for Lexa’s hand, “Do you think we should tell...everyone?” Her gaze was tentative.

Lexa's soft smile reached all the way to her eyes. She leaned in, and kissed Clarke, steadying her chin with one finger. “I thought you’d never ask. Yes.” Kiss. “Yes.” Kiss. “Yes. I want to tell everyone. Anya, Gustus and Indra, too. When should we do it? We haven’t talked to anyone in a while; should we set up calls with them?”

Clarke beamed at her; the happiness on Lexa’s face was contagious. But she didn’t want Lexa getting ahead of herself, and ruining her own surprise party. “How about we wait till next week?” Lexa nodded. “Okay. I’ll text Anya later and ask her when she’s free. I’m so excited for you to meet her.” She caught her lower lip between her teeth. “Does this mean you’re my….girlfriend?”

Clarke kissed her, hard. “If you want me to be.”

Lexa only nodded a few times, as she opened her arms to Clarke. For once, she was out of words. And maybe there wasn’t any need for them.

  
*******

  
Later, as she brushed her teeth, Clarke checked her messages. She clicked on a new one; it was Anya’s response to the party invite.   
  


_Clarke,  
_

_So nice of you to invite me, and this is a great idea; Lexa will love it. And, it will be good to finally meet; Lexa’s told me a lot about you over the years._

Clarke gulped mentally at that. Shit. It couldn’t have all been good, right? She had figured out how highly Lexa thought of Anya, who seemed like a really tough nut to crack. And of course, she was friends with Costia. Clarke knew she had her work cut out for her. She spat out the toothpaste, and continued to read.  
  
 _Also, thanks for offering to drop off the call early with the others in case Costia wanted to log on. It’s very thoughtful of you, and in other circumstances I’m sure she would have been happy to be there, but I think it’s still too soon. Nothing to do with you, of course. She’s not ready, so I don’t want to push it for now._ _I’ll see you both in a couple of days; looking forward to meeting the rest of Lexa’s college crew._

 _Take care,  
_ _Anya_

  
Okay, that wasn’t so bad, right? Anya seemed friendly enough, and she even seemed a bit touched by her asking about Costia. Clarke shrugged; maybe someday Costia would come around; she knew it would mean a lot to Lexa. But for now, she had tried. Turning off the bathroom light, she walked into Lexa’s room, getting under the covers and snuggling up to her. She was tired; dropping a kiss on Lexa’s neck, she mumbled into it. “Good night, girlfriend.” Her smile stayed on her lips as she fell asleep.

Lexa held her, tracing slow circles on Clarke’s back, lost in thought. Last year, at this time, was about when Costia had asked her the same question. Lexa couldn’t help but compare her reactions. She should have known; she should have known right away. Her hesitation with Costia had been the biggest sign all along. When Clarke had asked her today, it had just felt natural, and easy and….inevitable. That’s it. With Clarke, everything felt inevitable, because it was. Lexa kissed Clarke’s hair, softly; Clarke tightened her grip around her waist, sighing. In a way, this felt so new, but then again it wasn’t. It felt like they were going right back to the beginning, and fixing the mistakes they had made. And they were slowly getting to the root of everything. Lexa’s chest filled with hope; maybe they were getting it right this time, after all.


	51. And you're tired of everything, all of the girls and the boys

“Fuck yeesssssss, Spring Breaaaaaaaaaaakkkkkk.” Unlocking the front door of their vacation rental, Raven charged in, dropping her bags in the living room, and racing through the rest of the house to explore. “Whoa. There’s a hot tub, and look, the beach is literally right there. You know where to find me.” The others were slower to enter, and they looked around appraising their surroundings with as much, but slightly more muted enthusiasm.

Octavia flopped down on the couch. “This is amazing.” She turned her head to look out the window. “And the strip is literally right there. I can see Doozy’s...that bar I looked up that has the best spring break parties.” 

Lincoln took off his sunglasses, and began wiping them on the edge of his t-shirt. “Nice job, Lexa; and considering how awesome it is, it’s a steal. How did you find this place again?”

Lexa cleared her throat, trying to look nonchalant. “Ah, Gustus knew the owners; he hit them up in the fall, before the usual spring break booking season.” It was the truth. Gustus knew her, and didn’t he keep telling her to let him know if she ever wanted to take advantage of any of the Woods Group’s rental properties? She stole a glance at Clarke. She was the only one who knew, and Lexa had made her promise to tell anyone; she had felt embarrassed enough as it is, revealing that to her. Clarke only winked at her. _Your secret’s safe with me_ , she seemed to say. Lexa relaxed a little. She looked around. Gustus wasn’t kidding when he said the Woods’ properties were some of the best on the coast; this one had high sloping ceilings, showing off polished wooden rafters; dreamcatchers of various sizes hung from them, framed by the bright blue visible through the skylight; the hardwood floors were covered with thick rugs, laid out in artistic casualness; they looked handmade; Lexa guessed they were probably from Mexico. The kitchen was chock full of gleaming appliances; it was offset by the rustic chic decor, complete with deliberately distressed white wood walls. As she walked through the house, Lexa felt a small wave of pride; her family’s company did this; they helped people stay in beautiful places to make vacation memories in; maybe she should start paying more attention to the other properties that were part of their portfolio. Back in the living room, she turned to the others. “Do we know what to do with the sleeping situation?”

Raven appeared out of the other side of the house. “Well, there’s two rooms back here; one’s a single, and there’s a queen bed in the other. I’m guessing O and Linc will have the queen?” They shrugged and nodded.

Lexa looked at Clarke, pointing behind her towards the other side of the house. “And um, there’s another queen in there.” Clarke raised an eyebrow at her. Lexa blushed and focused on Raven. “So what do you want to do, Ray? Two of us can share, and one person gets the single.”

“Woods, Griff, you know I love you both, but I need my space when sleeping. Can I take the single?”

Lexa’s ears were burning; she nodded, but getting words out was a struggle. “Sure. If that’s okay with you, Clarke. Or I can take the couch.”

Clarke’s amused smirk was only accentuated by the wicked gleam in her eyes. “Works for me, Woods. I hear you’re a cuddler underneath that crusty exterior.” Lexa blushed harder, and picked up her bags as she walked to their room, wordlessly. Clarke knew damn well just how much she liked to cuddle; and to be fair, Lexa knew Clarke liked being held just as much. She shook her head; she was going to have to keep her head on firmly this week. Friends. Clarke wanted to be friends first.

******

Octavia yawned; reaching for her wine glass, she emptied it. Setting it down, she relaxed against Lincoln, putting her head on his shoulder. “This is dreamy. Best beginning to spring break, ever.” 

They were all sitting in the hot tub, chilling out from the long drive over. In the distance, strains of competing parties and bar patios drifted over in the light breeze; the strip was certainly living up to its reputation by the sounds of it. They had decided to check it out tomorrow night. “Plenty of time for our shenanigans.” Raven stood up. “I don’t know about you, homies, but I’m exhausted. Bed time for me.” She stepped out of the tub, drying off with a towel. “Later, peeps.” Octavia looked up at Lincoln. “Guess we should call it a night, too, huh?” Lincoln leaned in for a kiss. “Yeah, good plan. Sleep is good.” Lexa barely stopped an eye roll as they stepped out and walked off, hand in hand. What was up with the euphemisms for sex? Though with Octavia and Lincoln, they were in an actual relationship and open about that part, at least. So maybe they were actually one step ahead.

As if on cue, Clarke turned to Lexa and slid her arms around Lexa’s neck; Lexa could feel her nipples pressing up against her through her bikini top. “Mmmm. Alone at last.” She kissed Lexa, with tongue. Pinned against the back of the tub, Lexa was trapped and helpless. She wrapped her arms around Clarke, drawing her onto her lap. Clarke broke off the kiss sharply. “I’ve been wanting to do that all day.” She put a hand on Lexa’s chest. “But can we please take this inside where I can fuck you in peace and away from prying eyes?” Lexa nodded; she only disagreed with the last part; she doubted their friends would have cared. In fact, she kind of wanted them to know; she kind of wanted Clarke to know. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why is spring break always drama-central? Anyone ever had one that was not nuts in some way?


	52. Is this how you feel?

“Clarke, you have to be quiet.” Lexa hissed under her breath, even as she rained hot, wet kisses down her neck. Clarke only moaned again, holding Lexa even closer, digging her nails hard into her back. That was going to leave a mark; Lexa turned her head to look at Clarke. Her eyes were closed, her mouth was slightly open as she panted out her cries as she moved in time with Lexa’s fingers as they pumped back and forth, back and forth inside her; she was close, Lexa could tell; over the last couple of months, she had learned to listen and feel for the signs Clarke’s body so readily communicated when they were having sex. She knew that she was only moments away when she turned her head and nibbled on Lexa’s earlobe; Clarke was even closer when she opened her thighs and hooked her legs around Lexa’s back to draw her in, the motion making Lexa push her fingers in deeper, faster into her pussy, until they were soaked and she could feel Clarke dripping around them. And only seconds away when she felt her tighten around them, and Lexa knew to expect a flood, followed by...she kissed Clarke hard, pushing her tongue inside her mouth, even as she took in Clarke’s muffled cry into hers. She waited for Clarke to break off the kiss in her own time, even as she felt her hips slow beneath her gradually. Lexa felt her relax in her arms, as she gazed dreamily into Clarke’s eyes, her head propped on one elbow. What was this girl doing to her? Clarke smiled up at her as she twirled a strand of Lexa’s hair in between her fingers. “Hi.” 

“Hi.” Lexa kissed Clarke’s fingers. “You didn’t even try this time.”

Clarke smirked at her. “You didn’t want me to. Admit it. Besides, everyone’s on the other side of the house. They can’t hear us.”

Lexa wasn’t so sure. She’d caught Raven eyeing them over breakfast a couple of times. And her comment this morning. “Anyone else hear these birds at night? Or insects? It’s like these sharp cries, and then they go quiet.” Her gaze was trained on Clarke and Lexa, who looked away in opposite directions, shaking their heads, innocently. 

“Come here,” Clarke rolled her onto her back. “I missed you today.” She began kissing down Lexa’s chest, and Lexa felt like the hunger she had been feeling all day was finally being satisfied. This was what the last four days had been like. But Lexa couldn’t help it; she wanted more. She really did.

******

“So do you think I should do it?”

“The Peace Corps?”

“Yeah, they emailed me. They’re forwarding my application to the regional bureau or whatever. They decide the placements.”

Clarke rested her chin on her hands. Lexa and she were lying on a beach towel, watching Lincoln, Octavia and Raven play a game of beach volleyball with a group of other spring breakers they had just met. She thought about it for a moment; part of her didn’t want Lexa to leave, now or ever. But she had been telling herself this was just her being selfish, wanting Lexa around for herself. Lexa had every right to go off and live her life the way she wanted to, just like Clarke was doing with hers. She told herself it would hurt for a little while, then they would gradually grow into themselves, and their relationship would mature into a different kind of friendship, just like it had already, right? She could suck up a little bit of hurt, as long as Lexa was serious about keeping in touch. “How long would it be for?” 

Lexa lay down on her side, looking at Clarke. ‘Two years. But I can come home and visit. She traced her fingers along the sand on Clarke’s tanned shoulders. Four days in the sun and she was even more radiant. 

“And where did they say they were sending you?” Clarke closed her eyes, enjoying the feeling of Lexa’s fingers, of the sunshine, of their closeness.

“West Africa, or around there. Hasn’t been decided yet. It’d be pretty remote, they said.”

“How would we keep in touch?”

Lexa looked at her, and smiled. “We’d find a way.”

Clarke nodded. That was that. “Yeah, you should go. I can tell you want to.” She stood up and dusted the sand off her, walking over to the beach volleyball players.

Lexa watched her go; what she wished Clarke could see was that she wanted to stay more. 

She watched Clarke get into the game for a long time, trying not to think too much about the fact that when the lanky, shaggy-haired guy high-fived her, Clarke’s smile lingered on her face, as he held onto her hand a few seconds too long.

******

This was starting to fuck with her head. It was their last night, and in some ways, it felt like they were stuck in _Groundhog Day_ ; here they were, at Doozy’s, or one of the other bars, just like they had been for almost every night this week. In the corner were Octavia and Lincoln, playing pool, or dancing or making out. There was Raven, playing beer pong, or flip cup or doing a keg stand with some group of fellow college seniors she had just met and become best friends for the night with. And there was Clarke. Clarke who would come up to her periodically and pull her in for a dance, who had suggested they do body shots on each other much to the delight of half the bar’s population of frat boys, and who was currently dancing with one such frat boy in question. She kept looking over at Lexa, who stood in a corner, trying to avoid Clarke’s gaze. She’d about had enough of this, this hot-and-cold version of Clarke she was seeing lately. She knew what was going to happen next; Clarke would dance with the guy, or the girl, in question, they would try to kiss her, or take her back to their place, Clarke would turn them down and come find her, arm draped Lexa’s neck, as she’d hold her close. She’d be comfortable enough to dance with Lexa, but not to kiss her like she would, madly, furiously, once they had stumbled home after the bars were shuttered for the night, once they were alone with each other behind closed doors and she could keep Lexa the dirty secret she was. Lexa downed half her beer in a single gulp; she felt like she was cracking on the inside, and there wasn’t a damn thing she could do about it.

“Hey. Are you here alone?” A low voice asked, close to her ear. She turned, and looked at the woman. She had auburn hair, and a dazzling smile that stood out on her tanned, angular face. And she was looking at Lexa like she wanted to devour her. Which was something; at least somebody here wanted her freely, openly. She smiled back. “Well, kinda. I’m here with my friends.” She waved her beer hand in Clarke’s direction, without looking at her. “You?”

The woman nodded. “Me too. Those bros are literally my brothers.” She pointed to two tall redheaded dudes who were currently lifting an entire beer keg on their shoulders. “Triplets.” Lexa saw it now. “I’m Melody.” She held out her hand, which Lexa took. “Want to go talk somewhere quieter?” Lexa nodded; it would be nice to get out of this noise. Still holding on to her hand, Melody led her out the back, onto the beach. If Lexa had looked back, she would have seen Clarke watching their every move, her jaw becoming more and more set with each passing second.  
  


Clarke saw Lexa leave with the stunning redheaded woman. Who the hell was that, and why had Lexa just left like that? She had been acting strange all evening, avoiding her gaze, or her attempts to dance with her. Clarke had even tried to give her some space, like she had every night this week; she knew Lexa liked a little bit of time to herself, and she didn’t want her to get tired of being in such close proximity all week. She felt a stab in her heart; she needed to find Lexa. She turned to Logan? Ashton? He was still talking about golf. Apparently he hadn’t realized she hadn’t been paying a second’s worth of attention to him; he probably didn’t need it; he was so full of himself he fed his own ego enough. Excusing herself without a backward glance, she slipped through the crowd, and went out onto the beach. At first, she couldn't find Lexa. _Had she left?_ Clarke felt a surge of panic and jealousy through her. Then she caught sight of her, sitting by herself on the sand a little ways off, sipping her beer. Heaving a sigh of relief, she walked up to her. “Hey, where’d you go?”

Lexa turned around; why had Clarke followed her out here? She didn’t think she could handle anymore emotional flip flopping right now; she was a mess because of Clarke. Melody had tried to kiss her, and she hadn’t been able to do it, because all she had thought of was Clarke. She shrugged. “Nowhere, obviously. I’m right here, as you can see.”

Clarke frowned at her. “What’s with the ‘tude, tonight, Lexa? You’ve been ignoring me all evening.” She took a step towards Lexa, but Lexa stood up instead, facing her. “And what about the fact that you just ignore me practically all day, until we’re alone in bed?” She took another sip of her beer to calm herself down. She was getting angry; it wasn’t worth it.

Clarke looked as though she had been slapped. “What? What are you talking about? I’ve been trying to give you your space; I didn’t want you to feel suffocated, with me or the others around you constantly.”

Lexa snorted. “Good story, Clarke. Keep telling yourself that.” She turned to leave. “You know what? I think I’ve had enough of this. I’m going home.”

Clarke reached for her, stepping close to her as she put her arms around her neck. She tried to catch Lexa’s gaze with her own, but Lexa wouldn’t look at her. “I’ll come with you.” She nuzzled Lexa’s nose with her own. “Let me make it up to you.” Lexa went rigid; she couldn’t do this; not anymore, not like this. She tried to shake out of Clarke’s embrace. “I don’t want to just have sex with you anymore, Clarke. I just don’t think I can.” She watched Clarke’s face fall, all the lightness flowing out of it. She hated herself for hurting her. “I’m sorry, Clarke.” Her shoulders drooped a little.

Clarke opened and closed her mouth a few times; finally she spoke. “Okay. But why not? I thought we were both having a good time.”

Lexa’s eyes flashed. “That’s just it, isn’t it? It’s just a good time for you, Clarke.” She hesitated, before the rest of it came tumbling out. “But it’s not for me. It’s been great, and it’s been shit, but it’s not _just_ a good time for me anymore.”

Clarke looked at her, her eyes wide. “What are you saying, Lexa?” 

Lexa took a deep breath. “I’m saying, Clarke, that I have feelings for you. So this, this thing we’re doing, it’s not just sex for me. It means so much more.” Her eyes welled up in spite of herself. “So I need to stop lying to myself and face the facts. You don’t want anything more than a friendship with benefits, and I can’t give you that anymore.” She wiped the tears falling down on her cheek.

Clarke nodded slowly, as if trying to understand. “But we said, right at the beginning, that this would be casual and fun. We agreed. You agreed with me.”

Lexa sighed. “You can’t just agree not to fall for someone, Clarke. It doesn’t work that way.” She rubbed a hand over her eyes. “I’m sorry if I let you down. I couldn’t stop it.”

Clarke shook her head. “It’s hardly letting me down, Lexa. I’m flattered. I just don’t know how I feel. There’s a lot going on inside here right now.” She pointed to her head, wryly. “But, I meant it when I said I don’t want to lose you over this.” She wiped a couple of tears away. “What do you need from me?” 

Lexa sighed. This was hard. It was the last thing she wanted, but she knew she needed it. “Space.” She looked into Clarke’s eyes; the hurt in them broke her heart cleanly into two. “So I can go back to being your friend again. I don’t want to lose you either.” 

Clarke nodded. “Okay. I can do that.” 

Lexa began turning away. “I think I’m done for the night. I’ll see you back at the house.” She headed back towards their rental, shoes in one hand, as she finished up her beer.

Clarke watched Lexa's retreating back as her words rang in her ears. She held a hand to her chest, trying to process what had just happened. Lexa had said they were still going to be friends. Then why did this hurt so fucking much?

When she got back to their room that night, she found Lexa asleep on the pullout cot, her face tucked halfway into herself. As she tried to fall asleep, Clarke realized that her bed had never felt so cold, and so very empty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Facepalm. Giant facepalm.


	53. We’ll never know what we lost

_Hi. Where are you?_

Clarke’s heart skipped a beat as she read the message. She put down the hammer, and typed out a response. _Hey, stranger. In the studio, setting up for the exhibition._ She hadn’t heard from Lexa in a couple of days, and it had been torture, but she was trying to do her best to respect Lexa’s decision and give her the space she had asked for; it was getting harder and harder though. They were less than a month away from graduation, and this was not how Clarke had envisioned their last few weeks together going. Life had gotten so insanely busy after spring break as they each raced to the finish line, turning in assignments, projects and preparing their senior papers and theses as best they could. Clarke hadn’t spent any time with Lexa alone since their spring break fight three weeks ago; the few times she had swung by their room, she had found Raven absorbed in her final robotics project, eager for the respite from the constant pressure of having to finish in time for the end of term; Lexa had been nowhere to be found. “She’s crazy busy. I’ve barely seen her, and I live with her.” Raven said, as they enjoyed a quick beer before Clarke headed off to the art studio. “She’s practically living in the observatory lounge. Why don’t you go by and see her? I’m sure she’ll be happy for the break.”

Clarke shrugged; she wasn’t so sure. She had been taking her cues from Lexa, who hadn’t indicated that she wanted to hang out by themselves at all. “Yeah, maybe. Maybe I’ll stop by.”

Raven eyed her. “You guys okay? She’s been kind of quiet since spring break, and so have you. Something happen between you two?”

Clarke shook her head. “No, we’re fine. Just both busy, I think. Maybe being so close together all the time for a week made us realize that we needed some time apart.” She deserved a gold medal for the bullshit she could spout on the spot. She debated telling Raven what had happened; but what did it matter anymore? Lexa and she were basically backtracking to the place they had started out in, so what difference did it make about what had happened in between? Raven had enough on her plate already; Clarke would tell her someday, once things had settled back down between Lexa and her. 

She retied her hair, as she waited for Lexa’s response; it came quickly. _Do you need human company? I have coffee._

Clarke smiled. She began typing out a message. _I need_ you _compa…._ hitting delete, she retyped it. _Yeah, sure. You know I’ll never say no to coffee. :)_

She sighed. This was so damn hard. She wasn’t sure where things stood between them anymore. It seemed like Lexa had only wanted to come by when they had big life updates, but at least she seemed like she had genuinely wanted to see Clarke when she did show up. Like the time she and Raven had come by her room with dinner last week after Clarke had texted them to let them know she had gotten into med school. It had been nice, hanging out and feeling like things were like they had been when they had all become friends first; before things had gotten complicated and Lexa had gone and told her how she felt about her.

 _Cool. Be there in ten. :)_  
  
Clarke shook her head; Lexa really seemed determined to be just friends now. She appreciated that, she really did. Lexa was showing her what she meant to her, and in a way that was comforting; if they kept this up, they would go back to reclaiming their friendship. Just like she had wanted, right? Clarke bit her lip. The only problem was, she wasn’t sure that was what she was looking for anymore. In her three weeks _sans_ Lexa, she’d had plenty of time to think about her, and about them, and she was beginning to realize one thing: that she maybe probably didn’t want to be just friends with Lexa anymore. She shook her head, turning to the stacks of canvases propped up against the wall, shuffling through them. What an idiot she was. Now that Lexa was backing off was precisely the time her heart had decided to start throwing out the possibilities of what all these emotions whirling around inside of her for months might be. Fanfuckingtastic, Clarke. She pictured a slow clap for herself in her head. How off the timing of this was could have been the beat in a Bjork song; it was sublime in its illogic.

“Knock knock.” Lexa stood at the entrance of the studio, two coffees in her hand. “Sorry, you seemed lost in thought.” She smiled a little shyly.

Clarke’s face broke out in a wide grin. How she missed that smile. And those lips. And those strong, slender fingers, wrapped so nonchalantly around those stupid cups that didn’t know how lucky they were. She cleared her throat. “Hi! Come on in.” Taking a coffee from Lexa, she took a sip. Perfect as always; of course it was. “Thanks, Lex. You have no idea how much I needed this.” And you, she stopped herself from saying just in time.

Lexa nodded. “Me too. Thought I’d come say hi while I still could.” She paused to take a sip; Clarke looked away, not wanting Lexa to see the sudden sadness that had come across her. “I have news, by the way.” Clarke raised her eyebrows. “I accepted my Peace Corps placement.” 

Clarke’s heart dropped to her stomach; part of her had hoped Lexa would be reconsidering her decision, but then why would she, really, anymore? She forced a smile. “That’s great, really. The Congo Basin right?” She had to be happy for Lexa; Lexa’s joy for her medical school acceptance had filled the entire room that night. This was equally important for Lexa, right? “I’m proud of you, Lexa. You’re going to do great things.” 

Lexa shifted from foot to foot. “Yeah, I don’t know about that. It’s just a volunteer gig.” She rubbed her nose. “It’s not like I’m going to med school or anything.” 

Clarke smiled at her, shaking her head. “Don’t underestimate yourself. The work you’re doing is really important, too. You’re giving two years of your life, of yourself, selflessly, to help communities in need. Most people wouldn’t spare a minute to think of others.”

Lexa's smile was open and wide and honest. She was looking at Clarke like she used to, like she had hung the moon, like she was the only person in the world who mattered. Clarke basked in it for a few moments, letting it soothe some of the constant ache that had taken up residence in her chest lately.

“Thanks. That’s sweet of you. Yeah, yeah, it’ll be good.” She paused. “And, they uh, moved up my start date. So I need to leave earlier.”

“Oh? When’s that?”

“Graduation day. I had to move my flight, or I won’t make it in time for the training, which is pretty specialized for this placement, apparently.”

Clarke couldn’t hide her chagrin. “Lexa! You’re going to miss your own graduation!” And I won’t even get to see you after that, she wanted to shout out. “How will we say goodbye?”

Lexa looked at her for a moment, as if gauging Clarke’s feelings behind her little outburst before responding. “Well, there’s that party the night before, for all the seniors. I’ll be there, if you will.” She smiled. “And, like you said, it’s never goodbye, right? I’m sure we’ll figure it out, Clarke. Plenty of people have managed to remain friends after college.” 

Clarke nodded, swallowing the sudden lump in her throat. “Yeah, of course. I just meant...that it doesn’t seem fair for you to miss the whole graduation experience.”

Lexa shrugged. “Life’s biggest moments are anticlimactic; I’ve learned that. Besides, this is only the beginning of the rest of our lives, right?” She turned to the canvases lined up against the wall. “So, do you know which ones you’re going to show?”

Clarke shook her head, grateful for the change of subject. “Getting there. It’s hard when there’s four years of material to go through. There’s just so many thoughts and emotions in there; it’s hard to know which ones are worth displaying, and which ones were just phases in the moment. And I don’t have my main piece picked out yet.” 

Lexa looked into her eyes, searchingly. “I know what you mean. But some feelings are eternal. They never go away, they just morph with us, I think, as we change. I’d go with those.”

Clarke nodded. “You’re right; those are the most relatable and the most precious, aren’t they?” She finished up her coffee. “Thanks, Lex.”

Lexa looked at her watch. “I better go. I’ve booked time at the observatory.” She turned to leave, pausing at the door. “See you soon? I know Raven wants to have a pizza movie night in the next couple of days. And I’m guessing we can catch a couple of meals together here and there this week? She’s been really good about keeping me accountable about that.”

Clarke nodded. “Yeah, she deserves a medal for not letting me starve.” She felt a little better; she was seeing Lexa at least a few more times this week. She gestured at the canvases. “And don’t forget, the show’s next Saturday. You’re coming, right?”

Lexa nodded, smiling sweetly at her. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world, Clarke.” She lingered for a couple of seconds before leaving. 

Clarke stood silently for a few minutes, trying to get her head to catch up with her heart; or her heart with her head. She didn't know anymore; she just wanted them both to stop aching. She thought about what Lexa had said about feelings. And then, like an anvil dropping on her head, she knew exactly what she had to do. Hurrying to the back room, she began wading through the rest of the canvases, eventually pulling one out. She had found her show stopping piece, in more ways than one.


	54. Keep the car running

“How did it get to almost midday?” Lexa stretched her arms over her head, feeling her muscles ease out. 

“I can think of a few reasons why.” Clarke raised her head, a mischievous twinkle in her eye. She planted a kiss on Lexa’s bare chest, over her heart. “I didn’t hear you complaining when you had my head between your legs for the third time this morning.” 

The flush which hadn’t left Lexa’s face for the last three hours only deepened. She pulled Clarke back up her body, framing the sides of her face with both hands for a kiss. “Who’s complaining? I’m merely pointing out the fact that time flies when I’m having fun with my _girlfriend.”_

Their shy smiles matched as they gazed into each other’s eyes; Clarke pressed her lips to Lexa’s. She wasn’t going to get tired of hearing that word come out of Lexa’s mouth anytime soon. They made out for a few minutes, lost in each other, until Lexa’s alarm went off. Clarke looked at her quizzically as she turned it off. “What’s happening at 12PM on a Saturday?”

“The SpaceX launch. The one they postponed from a couple of days ago because of the weather.” Clarke could see the excitement in Lexa’s eyes. She remembered her describing the mission over dinner a few nights ago. Secretly, she was looking forward to watching Lexa geek out over it; she rolled off her and sat up, reaching for the remote on the bedside table. She tossed it to Lexa. “Go nuts.” Standing up, she picked up her clothes off the floor. Why did they even bother with wearing any to bed? They never seemed to stay on anyway. 

Lexa flipped through the channels until she found one that announced the countdown; the camera panned into a rocket, held up by a giant arm. Another camera split the screen into two, showing three talking heads sitting directly below three separate logos - NASA, Launch America and SpaceX, as they laughed and joked amongst themselves, trying to cut through the palpable nervousness in the room; Clarke glanced at Lexa. She was propped up against the pillows, having slipped on a tank top and boxers; Clarke hadn’t realized last night, but they were patterned with rockets and planets. She shook her head as she felt a sudden surge of affection; underneath her reserve, Lexa had always been a giant dork; it had been one of her favourite discoveries about her, and she was glad that part of her hadn’t changed over the years. She headed to the bathroom, hiding the smile playing on her lips.

Lexa called after her. “Will you come back to watch this with me?” 

Clarke nodded, catching the anticipation in her voice. “Be right there. I’ll whip up some food for us real quick.” She left Lexa with her chin cupped in her hands, muttering _Cool_ under her breath as the commentators described the science behind the propulsions of the different stages of the rocket launch.

As she walked back in with two cups of coffee, scrambled eggs and toast on two plates, Lexa shifted over on the bed to make space for her. “Perfect timing. We’re T-2 from launch.”

Clarke set the tray down and kissed her hard. “Why are you so cute? I’m T-1 away from taking your clothes off again.” 

Lexa shook out of her grasp, then changed her mind and pecked Clarke’s lips. “Noooo, I mean yes, but maybe not right this second? Can we pause that for like an hour?”

Clarke picked up her coffee. “Yes, you nerd. I’m not going to take you away from your rocket. Now pay attention.”

They turned back to the screen. The countdown timer showed the last thirty seconds before launch. A woman’s voice joined in to count down the last ten seconds. As she counted down to _One,_ the arm holding the rocket fell away, and it was off in a blazing cloud of red and white. A cheer erupted from the screen, and Clarke clapped her hands. It was thrilling, watching this fiery pencil hurtle straight up into the aerosphere, carrying two humans so far away from the planet they called home. She looked over at Lexa; her face was taut, she had a half smile playing on her lips, and as Clarke watched, a single tear fell down her cheek. Clarke reached over and gently wiped it away. Lexa turned to look at her. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to get emotional.”

“Don’t be. You never need to apologize for being passionate about the things you love, Lex. I like you that way.” Clarke’s hand lingered against Lexa’s cheek.

Lexa nodded. “It’s just that...this feels like twenty minutes of good news in a time when the world is falling apart. And it’s ironic that it’s literally about two humans leaving this fuck up of a planet.”

Clarke sighed. She knew exactly what Lexa meant. The news had her in a constant state of wound up these days, and it just kept going from bad to worse; she was tired of the cycle of disgust, rage and fear that had become second nature when watching current affairs. And helplessness. Watching the outpouring of anger and desperation in the Black Lives Matter protests had made her feel so helpless and hopeless. It felt like they were all Sisyphus, just everyday people trying to turn the tides of injustice, racism, corruption and hatred, with only their voices and emotions. She shook her head; this was crazy talk; she was feeling down with the barrage of bad news and hypocrisy. Things were going to get better; she had to believe it, if nothing other than for the sake of the hundreds of thousands of protesters who had put their lives at risk in the middle of a pandemic to stand up for what was right. “I know. It’s literally like a little beacon of hope for the future.” She paused. “Will you do it if you can? Take a commercial space flight and move to space like they’re saying is going to happen for us eventually?” 

Lexa paused for a second before answering. “Yes, but only to see the earth from above. And no, I wouldn’t move to space; I’d miss the ground too much. For whatever it’s worth, it’s home. And it’s our responsibility to fix the mess we’ve made, not run away from it. Ironic, I know, for someone who studies stars and space for a living.”

Clarke nodded; when she thought about it, it really wasn’t. Lexa was loyal to the end, and she was beginning to understand what the idea of home meant to her. “You’re right. It really is, isn’t it?” It was a comforting thought. She got up, gathering the dishes to wash up.

“Need help?” Lexa moved as if to get up from bed.

Clarke shook her head. “No, this will be quick. Keep watching. I’ll finish up and we can figure out what to do after?”

Lexa nodded. “Okay. But my turn after dinner.” 

As Clarke left to go into the kitchen, she thanked her stars that in the middle of the turbulence of the world, her relationship with Lexa was an anchor, holding her down firmly in a calm spot in the middle of the wild, enraged, stormy seas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry folx, had a tough time writing over the last couple of days; the news has got me so down. Also, I really grappled with the idea of whether Clarke and Lexa should engage with the Black Lives Matters protests more. Ultimately, I decided not, because I'm not really in a position to engage and process what's happening myself yet, and I didn't want that to come off as them paying lip-service and not contributing to the discourse and action in a meaningful way. Also, I think we're being barraged with bad news and chaos in all directions, so I thought I would be a little selfish and continue with our escapism a little bit longer; I hope that's okay. Just know that Clarke and Lexa, like me, stand totally against racism, bigotry, hatred and institutionalized violence, and are totally with the Black Lives Matter movement.
> 
> Also, double chapter update coming today, to make up for my writer’s block. I hope everyone is hanging in there. :)


	55. Inside my heart is the picture of a girl

As she finished washing up the dishes from brunch, Clarke was struck by a sudden idea; she giggled to herself at the silliness of it, but, if she could get Lexa to play along, it would cheer them both up. She marched back into her room, past Lexa who was now flicking through channels and pausing for clips and glimpses of the launch from other angles. Clarke opened the door to the second closet, where she kept her art supplies. Looking for her large sketch pad and some pencils, she turned to Lexa, who was watching her with her head tilted to one side. “Hello. What are you going to sketch?” 

Clarke grinned at her. “You. If you don’t mind, that is.”

Lexa’s face lit up. “Seriously? Yes!” She paused, hesitating for a second. “I used to wish in college that you would ask me to sit for you.”

Clarke’s expression was wistful. “Yeah, that would have been nice, huh?” If only they hadn’t ended college the way they had, a lot more could have happened. She raised her eyes to Lexa’s. “How do you want to pose?”

Lexa bit her lip. “Draw me like one of your French girls, Jack?”

Clarke laughed. That line from _Titanic_ was a classic. “All right.”

Lexa kept her eyes trained on Clarke as she slowly took her clothes off. “Wearing only this.”

Clarke nodded, smiling; this was going to be fun. “I was hoping you’d say that.” She waited for Lexa to get comfortable against the pillows, enjoying watching the way she moved; her entire body seemed to be centred on a taut line that ran through her core, and her every movement was attuned with that sense of balance and purpose, and with a controlled fluidity. As an artist, Clarke was fascinated; as her lover, Clarke was enchanted. “Lexa, do you have any idea how beautiful you are?” she blurted out.

Lexa finished arranging herself, then she looked up at Clarke, her eyes shining. “You do. That’s enough for me.” She’d never thought of herself as not-beautiful, just that she was ...herself. Coming from Clarke though, it meant more than anything. “How’s this?” She asked, leaning back. 

“Perfect.” Clarke sat cross-legged in her desk chair, resting the pad against the edge of her table as she started to draw. A smirk played on her lips; Lexa had no idea what was coming, but if she was being honest with herself, this was as much about protecting her own feelings as it was about Lexa. Part of her couldn’t wait to see Lexa’s reaction to her birthday gift tomorrow; the other part wanted to turn on her heel and bolt into the woods. After all, she’d already been here once before, and look how that had turned out.

*******

Lexa adjusted her blazer once more before stepping into the art studio and looking around; it was practically unrecognizable. Where it was usually littered with half-finished sketches and paintings propped up on easels, it was now divided into sections by five dark wood partitions, each one dedicated to a graduating senior’s work; she had never realized just how spacious the place was. She stopped to read the sign listing the exhibits, and consulted the map. Clarke was last on the list, and her work was at the very back. Lexa turned and made her way to the right, stopping every so often at a painting that caught her attention. The studio was about three quarters full, and she could make out the familiar faces of students, interspersed with friends, family and generally people who looked like they lived in town. This was nice; it was strange how they had lived in a place for close to four years, yet had very little chance to interact with its actual residents. She spotted a reporter from the local newspaper, interviewing one of the seniors; a photographer stood by, angling for motion shots; she could hear the frantic clicks of the camera across the room. She walked on, admiring the works in the other spaces.

She paused when she got to the back, taking in a deep breath as she looked at the display card taped against the partition:

_Clarke Griffin, “The Long, Winding Road to Clarity.” Clarke Griffin is a pre-med and art honours student. True to the artist’s competing dualities, the exhibited collection focuses on reading between the fine lines of reason and unreason, and on decoding the emotions arising from within when the head and the heart collide._

Huh. It looked like Clarke had taken their conversation last week seriously when selecting her pieces. She walked in, and the first work of art she saw was Clarke herself; she was standing to the side with Raven and her parents. Lexa dead stopped in her tracks; Clarke was shimmering, literally. She wore a tight sleeveless, silver dress that stopped a few inches above her knees; it looked like a sheath against her curves, which the light highlighted perfectly. She had straightened her hair and brushed it to one side, a waterfall of sunshine cascading over her left shoulder; Lexa thought she recognized the diamond studs Abby had gifted Clarke for Christmas last year in her ears. And as usual, her makeup was light, accentuating only her eyes, cheekbones and lips. As Lexa watched, Clarke threw her head back and laughed at something Jake said; a second later, she caught sight of Lexa. Smiling and waving animatedly, she walked up to her slowly, her black pumps exaggerating the natural sway of her hips slightly. Lexa gulped; if she had been wearing a tie, she would have needed to loosen it about now.

“Lex! You’re here!” Clarke’s eyes were friendly and warm; she looked genuinely happy to see her. Happy, and something else. Relieved? Lexa thought she was probably imagining it. She pulled Lexa in for a tight hug; she smelled like white pepper and figs; Lexa was reminded of a summer stroll in a Mediterranean garden. She could feel Clarke’s lips against her ear; she was starting to feel lightheaded. Clarke’s voice was low. “Thank you for the flowers; they’ve lit up my room.” 

Pulling away, Lexa grinned, bashfully. “Of course. It’s nothing, really.” She looked around, and up and down again at Clarke. “You look beautiful Clarke. And this, this is all you. You’re incredible.”

Clarke blushed. “Gotta have something to show for four years’ worth of ruined overalls.” She paused, biting her lip. “You clean up pretty well, yourself.” Lexa saw her eyes flash with a familiar kind of desire. Oh. They stared at each other a few moments; Lexa felt her cheeks grow hot. 

“Clarke! A word.” It was Professor Ugochukwu, the Head of the Art Department and Clarke’s advisor; he stood next to the reporter Lexa had seen earlier. Clarke nodded and turned back to Lexa. “Take a look around; I’ll come find you in a few minutes.” She squeezed Lexa’s arm and walked away.

Lexa turned to the first painting: _Silverlake._ It was a moonlight scene setup to look like someone looking over water at night; following the line of sight, Lexa could make out a cabin in the distance; through a window, it looked like two figures were in an embrace. She glanced down at the card: _That time the moon showed me what I was missing._

The next painting was kind of an abstract, with splashes of purple, pink and blue, flung across the canvas in haphazard strokes; looking closely, Lexa realized the strokes were like little coils of controlled chaos; she shook her head; Clarke really was incredibly talented. If she’d tried that, it would have looked like an accident, not art. In the corner of the painting, she spotted something; tilting her head, she realized it was a teabag. She looked at the title: _Bisexualitea._ Huh. Her mind flashed back to that conversation with Clarke she’d had years ago.

The next two were large canvases, hung opposite each other on strings from the ceiling; walking in between them, Lexa turned her head to the left and then to the right; she realized they were mirror images of two sides of the human brain, but painted as negatives of each other; looking back and forth, Lexa felt like she was imagining the colours of one displayed on the other; it reminded her of the impossible colour experiments from middle school science class; but how had Clarke managed to capture that effect? She was right: _Chimera: But we’re just friends._ Lexa raised an eyebrow; the descriptions were beginning to feel strangely personal. 

She was coming up to the final section of the exhibit. The outline of a large human heart was drawn on the next canvas, with veins and arteries traced in thick, tangled lines, until they converged in what looked like a single, large knot at the very centre. This one was called _Love is a mess._ Lexa smiled wryly; that she could agree with.

Lexa walked on. The next three oil paintings were a series of extreme close ups of scenes from what looked like a beach: a flash of teeth and brown hair falling over a pair of sunglasses, an angular shot of a tongue licking a melting ice cream cone, and a scene of two hands, interlinked and resting over a beach towel: _Spring (heart)break._ Lexa’s eyebrows knitted together; she recognized the glasses, and the towel; they were both hers. She felt her heartbeat quickening. What was going on?

She turned to the final painting; it was an extra large canvas, and she had to go around it to see its face; when she did, she gasped out loud. It was _their_ painting, the one she and Clarke had made, when they slept together the first time. Seeing it now, towering over her, Lexa stared at it in awe: the slew of colours really did complement each other magically; as she ran her eyes over it, memories of that night came rushing back to her; they had been resplendent that night, and so was the work in front of her now. _Losing Perfection: only the shell remains._ Her hands were clammy now, and the room was spinning. This, all of this, was just too much. She’d tried so hard to tell herself that things between Clarke and her were over, that it had all been a beautiful time in her life that she would hold in her heart forever, and that it was all in the past. But this, this was Clarke baring her soul, and in a way, Lexa knew it was all for her.

“What do you think?” Clarke’s voice was soft, and Lexa could feel her breath against the back of her neck. She turned around, her own catching in her throat when she looked into Clarke’s eyes; the vulnerability in them made her still-mending heart crack open all over again. She put her hand out to touch Clarke’s cheek; remembering where they were, she pulled it back just in time. Clarke’s let out a ragged sigh; was that disappointment in her eyes?

“It’s….raw. And stunning.” She forced herself to regain her composure. “I think it tore me up a little bit.” She tried to smile; Clarke’s eyes were so very sad. 

Clarke nodded. “Thanks. Yeah, there were things I needed to say. Hopefully they were the right ones.” 

Lexa stared at her. She couldn’t; she couldn’t deal with this right now. She was dizzy, the room was hot from all the people in there, and the incessant camera flashes were making it hard for her to process anything. And Clarke, Clarke was standing in front of her, eyes brimming with hope and something else, even as her brain was too befuddled to figure out what it was in the moment. “Depends on who gets to decide, I guess?”

Clarke opened her mouth to speak. “Clarke! Bring Lexa over here to say hello.” Lexa could see Abby waving at her excitedly; she groaned. Clarke looked furious at the interruption, but forced her face into a neutral expression, nodding at her mother. She turned to Lexa. “I guess we’ll have to see, won’t we? Come on.” 

Abby gave Lexa an exaggerated hug. “So good to see you, Lexa, darling. Clarke was mentioning how you won’t be at graduation.” She shook her by the shoulders a little; Lexa felt like the thoughts inside her head were rattling around. “Such a noble gesture, Lexa. We’re proud of you. Aren’t we Jake?”

Jake nodded, beaming at Lexa. “Always, Lexa. You’ve got a big heart, kid. Keep it safe for the one who deserves it the most.”

That moment was the closest she had ever come to praying in her life; right now she was begging the earth to swallow her up whole. She could feel Clarke’s eyes boring into her, but she didn’t dare look at her; she didn’t think she could face what was in them twice in ten minutes. 

Abby grabbed Clarke’s arm. “We should get going, if we’re going to make dinner, Clarke.” She looked at Lexa. “You’re welcome to join us, if you like, Lexa. Raven has agreed to, already.” Clarke’s eyes were beseeching, but Lexa knew she wouldn’t be able to keep it together any longer. She shook her head, pleading with Clarke wordlessly to understand. “I’d love to, but I think I should head back to the observatory, thank you both.” She smiled politely at Abby and Jake. “I’m so happy I got to see you both before graduation. Please take care of yourselves.” Abby hugged her again. “Come back and visit when you can, Lexa. I hear you’re allowed to travel back; put us on your list of people to see, please. Clarke won’t say it, but she will be delighted, I’m sure.” Lexa nodded, and stole a glance at Clarke; she was rolling her jaw, like she was trying not to cry. She tried not to think about the disappointment on Clarke’s face. “I’ll see you later? I think we’re meeting up for pizza with the others on Monday, right?” Clarke nodded, swallowing hard. “Yeah, yeah, that’s great. Thanks for coming, Lexa. I’m glad you did.”

Lexa nodded, before turning to leave. “It’s a masterpiece. All of it. Thank _you_.” 

Sleep eluded her for most of that night, and when it did come, her dreams were the colours of Clarke’s canvases.

********

“Done. Ready for this?” Clarke put down the pencil; her eyes were twinkling. 

“That was quick. Did you make me out to be a blob?” Lexa stood up and stretched, as she put her clothes back on. “Okay, hit me with it.”

Clarke slowly turned around the sketchpad; it took Lexa a few seconds to realize what the image was; when she did, her jaw dropped. Walking up to Clarke, she held up the sketchpad for a closer look. As she stared at it, she felt a wave of laughter rise up inside her; it burst out from her, and in seconds, she was doubled up, holding on to her sides to stop them from hurting. Clarke was laughing now too, and they stood there, eyes scrunched up, tears of mirth flowing from them. Eventually, Lexa paused, holding up the sketchbook. “My vagina? You drew me an anatomically correct sketch of my vagina?” She broke into a fresh round of laughs. 

Clarke giggled again. “Hey, that’s a Clarke Griffin original. Besides, you won’t need to hold a mirror to it if you ever need to know what it looks like.”

Lexa shook her head; for whatever it was worth, there was never, ever a dull moment with Clarke. How had she found this amazing woman, and how was she going to make sure she never lost her again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you know how a rollercoaster sloooooowly chugs its way to the top, and you just hover there for a few seconds, before your stomach drops (along with the rest of you?) Yeah....we're about there. Enjoy the view.
> 
> P.S. It's Pride Month, isn't it; I nearly forgot to remember. There's only one conversation we should be having this year: BLM. As we know, Pride is a protest, not a party.


	56. Ask me what I did with my life, I spent it with you

She had about twenty minutes left; this was taking longer than she had anticipated. Clarke checked the sugar and eggs she was beating; they were slowly getting pale and thick like the recipe called for. A couple of minutes later, when they were what she guessed was “ribboning” like the description, she began drizzling in the combination of melted butter and dark chocolate that she had microwaved earlier; turning off the hand mixer, she used a spatula to check that the chocolate had blended in completely. Picking up the sieve, she began sifting the flour into the bowl in small batches. She glanced at the recipe on her phone; _fold in the flour_. She had never quite understood what that meant; in her mind, folding was what you did to arms and clothes and cardboard, not desserts. Taking her best guess at it, she moved the spatula up and over, watching the batter undulate; it was a wave of dark chocolate shifting around sluggishly. Turning to the massive mixing bowl, she greased it with the butter and emptied the mixture in. She’d never had a reason to use the bowl until now, and she silently thanked Raven for the impulsive purchase that she’d come home with one day last spring (“Everyone needs a _pudding_ bowl, Clarke, duh. How are we even adults without one? Look, it even has a storage lid.”), and which she had promptly shoved to the back of the corner cupboard and forgotten all about. Raven’s unintended prescience was making her life a lot easier right now; Clarke sealed the batter shut and put it at the bottom of the vegetable tray; how was she going to keep it from Lexa? She arranged the bunches of kale and spinach haphazardly on top; good enough. As long as Lexa didn’t actually want to look through them, they were a great cover up. She checked the time; she had about five minutes to clean up; rolling up her sleeves, she scrambled around the kitchen, gathering the spatula, unlocking the beaters and collecting the mixing bowls. Lathering up the sponge, she somehow managed to scrub, wash and dry it all in record time. The front door opened just as she slid the drawer shut on the mixer. Phew. By the time Lexa walked in, Clarke was putting on a pot of coffee. 

“Hi! This is early for you for a Saturday.” Lexa popped her headphone out of her ears; she was still trying to catch her breath. Clarke gave her the once over; Sweaty Lexa was definitely one of her favourites of her girlfriend’s avatars. “Yeah, I uh, thought I’d get breakfast started.” 

Lexa walked up to her for a kiss. “What’s that on your cheek?

Clarke rubbed her face with her hand and looked at it. Shit. Chocolate. “Oh, I was contemplating chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast. Might have snacked a little.”

Lexa looked around. “Cool. So are we having them?”

“Having what?”

“The chocolate chip pancakes, Clarke.” 

Crap; she was slipping up. “Yeah, yeah, of course. I’ll get the batter ready. Are you going to shower?”

Lexa nodded. “I’ll come and help after?” She turned to leave, then turned back. “Actually, look at this t-shirt campaign.” She held out her phone.

Clarke peered at the screen. _Pride is a protest, not a party;_ the t-shirt print said in bold letters, against the backdrop of a rainbow flag. She scrolled down to the description: _The LGBTQI+ community owes much to the tireless work of Black activists in fighting for our rights._ _This is one way to stand up and be the best allies we can be, at a time when the Black community needs our support more than anything. In support of the NAACP Legal Education and Defense Fund for Black Lives Matter._ “Cool. I want one.” She scrolled through the styles and picked a size. “I’ll Venmo you.”

Lexa took her phone back, and shook her head. “Of course not; don’t be silly. I’m getting one, too. Which reminds me, I need to check in with Gustus about that Black Lives Matter donation from the Woods Group. We’ve been playing phone tag for the last couple of days. Maybe today will work.” 

Clarke fought to keep a straight face. This was so hard, pretending that she didn’t know what day it was. “That’s really great, Lex; Gustus must be busy, I guess.” She opened the fridge, trying not to look down at the vegetable tray. 

Lexa opened her Facebook app; the red bubble showed her notifications; she leaned against the counter, scrolling through them. _Happy Birthday, Lexa! Thinking back to this day and that wild night in 2017; fun times!_ There were about a hundred similar messages; she made a mental note to go back and thank everyone individually. She scrolled through the list of people: Anya, Paula, Jairo, Oscar, Astro….she almost missed it. There was a _like_ on Astro’s comment; she clicked on it and did a double take: it was Costia. Huh. Lexa thought about that for a moment; this was the first communication she’d had from Costia since their breakup; she would take it. She felt a wave of sadness wash over her, thinking back to her birthday last year, and to Costia. How strange life was. A year ago they were dating seriously and now they weren’t even on speaking terms; that really hurt. She looked up, watching Clarke as she mixed the pancake batter. And Clarke didn’t even realize what day it was; she didn’t blame her for forgetting. A decade was a long time to be absent from someone’s life. Lexa turned and walked upstairs. Thinking of Costia had bummed her out a little; and with the state of the world, it was probably better not to celebrate this year; she would mention it to Clarke in passing tonight; she knew Clarke would be mortified for not having planned anything. Next year would be better, she told herself as she headed into the shower; still, she couldn’t stop the small shot of disappointment as it passed through her. 

Clarke turned the oven light on and ducked down to look inside; she was about thirty-five minutes in. The cake looked like it was rising well, but she was nervous about the lava centre coming out perfectly. The recipe called for a check after about forty-five minutes. She walked into the living room with her laptop; Lexa was stretched out on the couch, flicking through her phone idly. She looked up at Clarke. “Something smells great. What are you baking?” 

Clarke shrugged, setting up her computer, turning her screen away from Lexa. “Just felt like cookies today.” She watched the others sign on to Zoom. She counted the excited, smiling faces, fighting to keep her own neutral: _Gustus and Indra; Anya; Raven, Madi and Aden._ Octavia and Lincoln both had to work, but she would play Lexa their video message later. Lexa had gone back to her phone; she had been a little sad today, Clarke had noticed. When they were all ready, Clarke surreptitiously held up a thumb quickly. Turning her mike on, but leaving the sound off, she called out. “Hey, Lex, can you come here for a minute? I want to show you something.”

Lexa sat up and walked over. Clarke hit the unmute button just as Lexa’s face came into view on the screen. “SURPRISE!!!” Her laptop exploded with the sudden chorus of voices shouting out. “Happy Birthday, Lexa!”

Lexa gasped, and gaped at the screen, before a shy laugh escaped her mouth. “Oh my god! What!” She turned to Clarke, who had a huge, excited grin on her face. “You got me! All of you! Thank you so much!”

She looked at the screen closely. “Anya! Uncle Gus, Aunt Indra!” She turned to Clarke. “How did you..?”

Anya piped up. “Clarke’s got some great sleuthing skills, Lex. She tracked us down hard.”

Clarke blushed. “It was nothing, really. Just...you left your email up a couple of weeks ago….and...you know.” Lexa was looking at her in sheer adoration, and she was losing her words. Lexa shook her head; this girl. She wanted to kiss her so hard.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LEXA!!!” Madi yelled at her screen. She held up a rainbow-coloured piece of paper. “We made you a card!” Aden nodded vigorously. “I wrote the words; Madi doesn’t know how.”

Lexa leaned in to read the card. _To our favourite space commander; we LOVE you to the moon and back. Happy Birthday, Lexa!_

She smiled back at them. “Thanks, you two. And you’re my favourite cadets-in-training.” Madi and Aden’s matching smiles warmed her heart.

Gustus chimed in. “Lexa, Indra and I don’t know what to get you for your birthday this year. Thoughts?”

Lexa paused. “Well, could you donate to George Floyd’s fund? That would mean a lot to me.” Indra and Gustus nodded, smiling at her, proudly. “Okay, and I’ll call you later about the other donation.” Gustus said. Clarke stood up to go check on the cake. “Be right back.”

Lexa turned to the screen. “Anya, Raven. Raven, Anya. My two voices of reason at different times in my life.” They waved at each other. “Heard a lot about you, Raven” Anya said, “Bet you’ve got tons of dirt on Lexa.” 

Raven raised an eyebrow. “Do I ever; Clarke, too. We’ll need to get these two on another call for that; maybe in a couple of weeks?” Lexa noticed Anya’s smile lingered for a few seconds as she nodded at Raven. “For sure. It’s a date.” Huh. Looks like she was going to have a couple of questions for Anya herself, for when they talked next.

Indra asked, “Where did Clarke go?”

Lexa turned her head to see Clarke walk in with a huge chocolate cake with a single lit candle stuck into it. “What about me?” She watched Lexa’s face light up at the sight; it was worth keeping it all in for the last few days. “Happy Birthday, Lex.” 

“Cake, yes!” Madi clapped her hands. “Let’s sing for you, Lexa!”

Aden piped up. “When I say three. Ready? One...two...three!”

Everyone began singing _Happy Birthday_ , but the slight lag in the different connections dragged out their voices; Lexa laughed out loud at the tuneless cacophony: donkeys. She was reminded of friendly and enthusiastic donkeys.

She blew out the candle at the end of the song. “Did you make a wish?” Aden asked. 

Lexa looked deep into Clarke’s eyes. “I did.” She said quietly.

Clarke squeezed her hand under the table. “Cut your cake, Lex.” She said softly.

Lexa sliced into it; the second she did, a river of warm, liquid chocolate gushed out. “Oh my god! Lava cake? I haven’t eaten this in _years._ ” This time, when the feeling overcame her, she didn’t fight it. Leaning in, she captured Clarke’s lips in a soft kiss. “Thank you.”

Raven’s surprised shout knocked them back to reality. “What?!?! Hold the phone, you two. Got something to tell us?”

Clarke grinned at Lexa, then wrapped her arms around Lexa’s torso, as she looked at the screen. “Well, that was it, really, I guess.” She looked up at Lexa, who nodded. “We’re uh, together. Officially.” She waited for the reactions to unfold. 

Madi was jumping up and down with joy; Aden rolled his eyes, “Gross.” But he was smiling, too.

Indra’s smile was warm. “Well. I can’t say I’m surprised; took you two long enough, though.” The twinkle in her eyes was apparent even through the screen. Gustus merely nodded, beaming.

Anya’s voice was more controlled. “Congrats, you two. I think we all know it’s been a long time coming. I’m happy for you both.” Clarke eyed her curiously. She really was hard to read, but judging by Lexa’s smile and nod, her reaction seemed like a good thing. She relaxed into Lexa, feeling more grounded by her nearness.

Raven just winked at them both. “Finally. I don’t have to listen to you pine and whine anymore, Griffin.” Anya laughed, as Clarke stuck her tongue out at Raven. Lexa tightened her arm around Clarke. 

“So, plans for the day, Lexa?” Indra asked.

Lexa shrugged. “We’ll play it by ear, I guess. Though I’m really looking forward to having us all celebrate together once we can.” The others nodded in agreement; they chatted for a few more minutes before people began signing off, promising to catch up again soon. Once the call ended, Lexa turned to Clarke. Now that the secret was out in more ways than one, she felt relieved and a little sheepish. Clarke leaned in closer. “You thought I’d forgotten, didn’t you?”

Lexa nodded. “I mean, I wouldn’t have blamed you. It’s been a while since we were together for it.”

A cloud shaded the sky in Clarke’s eyes. “I know. Which means I have a decade to make up for.” She nuzzled Lexa’s nose with her own. “For the record, I never forgot.”

“You never have to make up for anything, Clarke.” Lexa’s kiss took her breath clean away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, hello, I'm back. I missed everyone, did you miss me? Actually, it doesn't matter, it's not about me, is what I've learnt this week; did you miss Clexa in this story? Well, here they are, and here I am, recharged a little, and ready to give these two the happy ending they deserve. Needed a couple of days off as a mental health break, folx, thanks for being patient.
> 
> Also, if you liked this chapter, and about that shirt: pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease take a look at my Tumblr: [I promise it's for a good and very relevant reason.](https://anansianansi.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Hope everyone's holding up okay. Onward we go.


	57. It's all about you, I'm wild about you

“Why the hell don’t we eat like this every day?” Clarke asked, using the last of her pita to scoop up the baba ganoush. They were sitting on the back deck, watching the sun setting, as they dug into the feast in front of them; they’d been stuffing their faces on halloumi cheese, olives, dried fruits, spiced baked eggplant and an array of mezze. Lexa had asked for Turkish food for her birthday dinner, and Clarke had spent close to an hour reading reviews before picking a place to order from. (“It’s your birthday, Lexa; It has to be the best!”) They’d settled on Anatolia, a family-run place on the outskirts of the city. Like most independent restaurants, it was struggling to survive in the middle of the pandemic; Clarke made a note to leave a rave review and spread the word on her social media later; it would be a tragedy for them all if this place closed. 

Lexa reached for the last of the stuffed grape leaves, shrugging her shoulders. “Excellent question. I’d die happy if we did.” She licked her fingers. “I’ve always wanted to visit.”

“Turkey?” Clarke took a sip of wine. “Me too. And so many more places. I used to want to see it all.” 

“Don’t you still?” 

Clarke nodded. “Yeah, I do. I guess somewhere along the line my plans kind of just got sidetracked by life and everything. That, and after Dad died, things just changed. I changed too, I think. And so did my dreams, in a way.” Clarke studied Lexa’s face for a few moments; it was her birthday, and she didn’t want the conversation to take a turn in a direction that would hurt them both. “My anxiety made it really hard to travel alone; it would have been easier if I’d had someone to go with me, honestly.”

Lexa nodded, as she looked away in the distance; she was quiet for a few moments. She had been thinking about this a lot these last couple of months. She knew what Clarke meant; she had fucked up majorly by not being there for her when she had needed her the most. That knowledge had slowly settled in her chest, poking at her like a grain of sand in an oyster’s shell; regret had an edge sharpened to a razor’s thinness on the stone of life, she had learnt. But, she was here now, and she would be, always, if that’s what Clarke wanted. She thought back to her wish she had made a few hours ago, when cutting her cake. Sitting up straighter, she turned to Clarke. “Maybe when this is over, and people can travel safely again, would you want to take a trip together somewhere? Turkey, or anywhere else?” 

Clarke’s head shot up, and she stopped putting away the empty containers. Did she want to? More than anything. But the bigger question was, did Lexa want to stay long enough for that to happen? With everything that had happened recently, she hadn’t even thought about what their relationship would look like once the lockdown was lifted. Would they survive, or would it be the ultimate irony that they could make it through a pandemic, but not through the mundaneness of life itself? But they had been so good, hadn’t they, and Lexa had been...amazing. So far. Looking at her now, Clarke saw nothing but hope; in her eyes, deepening them to a shade of green she’d never seen before, etched in the set of her jaw filling the contours of her face, in her hands, steady as they lay in her lap, and even in the nervous bouncing of her left knee, which Clarke reached out to hold now. Maybe it was time she inhaled some of that hope too, and let it infuse her own sense of them. She smiled at Lexa. “Yeah, I’d like that. I know it’s too early still, but maybe we can look up some options?”

Lexa’s face visibly relaxed. “Like a Google Maps vacation before we actually take one? Yes!”

“Adorkable. I think that word was made for you.” She turned back to clearing up. “Ooh, look, they threw in some baklava. Want some?”

Lexa shook her head. “Much as I love it, the only dessert I’m eating tonight is your cake.”

Clarke raised an eyebrow. “You need to be more specific than that. Especially if you’re only picking one.”

Lexa laughed. “Fine, your _cakes._ ” The glint in Clarke’s eyes sent a shiver down her spine.

When she came back out, Clarke found Lexa staring dreamily at the ocean in the twilight; the stars were coming out. “Want to go for a walk on the beach?” 

They walked along the shore, arms entwined and barefoot, mostly in silence. Clarke watched Lexa’s face; she seemed calm and relaxed, but she knew there was more. “This must be a super quiet birthday by your standards, Lex.” She felt a pang of uncertainty. “Sorry we didn’t do more. I would have thrown you a party if I could have.”

Lexa looked at her in surprise; she pulled Clarke into her side, wrapping her arm around Clarke’s waist. “I loved it. This is perfect; it’s exactly what I needed. Thank you.” She kissed Clarke’s temple. “I’ve never been a fan of huge birthday celebrations, honestly. For the milestones, yes, but not every year.” She paused. “Costia always made such a big deal out of them; the all-night ragers got a little old after a while. But, she meant well.” 

That was the first time Clarke had ever heard Lexa say anything remotely negative about Costia. She remained quiet, waiting for Lexa to continue.

“Birthdays are a time of self-reflection for me. And I’d rather do it with the people who matter.” 

“Am I a people who matter?” Lexa’s answer had helped, but she needed more; she didn’t know why, except that it was important.

Lexa stopped then, and turned to face Clarke. The moon was rising now, and in its light, Clarke saw the tenderness in her eyes. “You know you’re the only one who ever has.” There it was again; that sense of something else Lexa was trying to tell her; Clarke had seen it earlier, when they had talked about travel. Her heart was thumping in her chest; this was a familiar feeling, but one she hadn’t felt in so very long; it was exhilarating, heady, terrifying. And amplified, because she knew that the nameless thing swelling inside her was the exact same thing staring back at her through Lexa’s eyes. Head and heart. Head and heart, and in between, her words were tangled up like the colours on her canvases. She stood staring at Lexa, paralysed by the intensity of her own thoughts and feelings, not knowing where the beginning of a sentence could be. She must have been taking too long, because Lexa inhaled sharply and opened her mouth to speak. “What did you mean, earlier? When you said you never forgot?”

Clarke grabbed at the chance to find a way out of the sandstorm of her emotions. “Oh. Just that I thought of you every year on your birthday. And wondered how you were.” 

Lexa nodded. “Me too, on yours.” She stepped closer. “I _never_ stopped thinking about you, Clarke; not even for a day. I just….couldn’t.”

Clarke’s breath hitched, and something in between a sob and a gasp escaped her; in the next moment Lexa found herself wrapped tightly in her arms; their kiss was frantic and full. Clarke was flush against her now; she could feel every inch of her alive and alight at once, and Lexa was shaken by the magnitude of it. She tilted her head, pulling Clarke even closer, licking into her mouth, caressing into her in short, focused strokes, stroking everywhere she could, but evading her tongue. It was driving Clarke wild, she could tell. When their tongues finally connected, Clarke moaned loudly, and the vibration went straight to Lexa’s clit; she was throbbing in time with her own wild pulse now. Without breaking their embrace, Clarke lowered them onto the sand, lying on top of Lexa as her tongue searched for more. Lexa didn’t know what she wanted, so she gave her everything she had. Holding Clarke in place above her, one arm around her waist and the other running over her back, Lexa let herself melt into Clarke. Her lungs were bursting, but she didn’t care; what she had to tell her without words getting in their way was more important; she had the lingering effects of ten years of longing, wanting and needing trapped within, and here was Clarke, the only one capable of taking it all inside of her, and making it - and them - something beautiful and something sublime, because it was about Clarke, wasn’t it? Clarke’s hips were grinding hard into Lexa’s centre now, and Lexa had to steady them; she was going to come in her clothes just from the friction. 

Clarke broke off the kiss with a groan and ripped her t-shirt off; Lexa unclasped her bra with one hand, watching in wonder as the moonlight fell across Clarke’s perfect, perfect breasts, the luminescence only emphasizing every taut curve, but it was the shadows that Lexa wanted to taste; she cupped them in her hands and lowered her mouth on the left nipple, sucking at it, her mouth warm and wet against the cool skin. She pinched her right one with her fingers, priming it for her attention next. Clarke threw her head back, and her mouth hung open as she panted into the night; she rested her hands on Lexa’s shoulders, steadying herself. When Lexa nipped at the tip, she rose up suddenly, then slammed back down on Lexa. Looking down, she raised Lexa’s lips to hers for another sloppy, hot kiss; they were fumbling with the rest of their clothes now, but they couldn’t let go of each other. Finally, Clarke leaned back, resting a hand on Lexa’s chest. “Wait, wait, Lex, let’s take these off.” The blood rush in her ears was so strong Clarke’s voice seemed distant, but Lexa nodded and stood up as she stripped. She lay her clothes out flat on the sand; watching her, Clarke did the same with hers; Lexa sat on their makeshift bed, pulling Clarke to her. Clarke began sucking kisses all along and down Lexa, leaning into her until Lexa was flat on her back; she was looking up at familiar stars; there was the Big Dipper, and a little above it, Cassiopeia, queen of the skies; a few seconds later, she felt Clarke’s fingers part the lips of her vagina and then, a cool tingling; Clarke blew gently onto her clit, and into her vulva; Lexa’s eyes rolled to the back of her head; without meaning to, she began rolling her hips on and off the sand, fucking the empty air. She touched Clarke’s hair; she wanted to feel Clarke’s tongue on her, but she needed to kiss her more. Clarke straddled Lexa’s waist, her arms on either side of Lexa as she took Lexa’s mouth with her own, shoving her tongue in, roughly. Lexa put her hands on Clarke’s hips, and pulled her down; they both groaned into each other’s mouths the second they connected. Maybe it was because of the cushion of sand under her that pushed her hips up and into Clarke’s at a new angle, but Lexa had never felt like this; so much, and all over. Clarke broke off the kiss to sit up a little as she put her hands over Lexa’s on her waist, as she began gliding over Lexa’s cunt; they shuddered each time they touched. It was slow at first, a gentle back and forth as Lexa felt Clarke’s labia against hers; then, Clarke pushed in a little harder; Lexa’s felt her insides clench; the hood of Clarke’s clit was brushing against the opening of her vagina. “Fuck, Clarke. Don’t, don’t stop.” Clarke only held onto her hands more firmly, shifting a little so that she hit that same spot every time; Lexa could see the glazed half smile on her face; in a few seconds, it was replaced with a look of pure lust; Clarke was biting her lower lip hard, trying to keep it together. Lexa could only hold on; she was so very close, and she could tell Clarke as getting there, too. For each new movement she tried, Clarke’s hips had a harder time keeping it up; Lexa could _feel_ her dripping every time she fucked into her; it was making her dizzy; this, what they were doing, wasn’t new; Clarke had shown her enough just how much she enjoyed riding her; but this was different; something inside Lexa had given way, and she felt a rising awareness, on top of the knowledge of how fucking sexy it was, that it was also a new kind of intimacy. Their bodies were speaking a language of their own, and their conscious selves were just willing conduits.

Clarke’s eyes were closed, her face half-turned to the sky; she was lost in the sensuousness of them, too. Lexa turned her head a little; a storm was coming in from the ocean, and half the sky had a hazy glow; in the distance, a large grey cloud was tinged with a hue of orange as it silently brought little shots of lightning with it. Above them, just beside Clarke’s head, Lexa could see Venus shimmering; Lexa swore the colours changed in time with Clarke hips; in that moment, Clarke was Venus herself. Clarke clutched at her hands as she changed direction once more; this time, their outer labias locked; it felt like a kiss, and Lexa didn’t want to lose the feeling, so she slowed Clarke down; that did it. Clarke opened her eyes, her hips stuttering once, as she stared deep into Lexa’s eyes, calling out her name as she came. “Lexa, Lexa. Oh, fuck. Lexa.” Lexa watched her; her last thought, before she felt herself break, before she felt Clarke gushing into her pussy which sent her over the edge into an orgasm so powerful that thought she was falling into the sky, was that this was the closest answer to understanding the universe she had ever been given; it wasn’t in the millions of equations she had solved or the countless hours of stargazing; it was here, coming apart in the arms of the love of her life, and watching her do the same, that she finally saw what mattered. She held onto Clarke tightly, riding out her climax, watching the stars disappear under the clouds shifting over their heads, as she felt Clarke slump against her. A light, warm rain had started up, and it covered them in a gentle sheet. Her heart began slowing down, she felt Clarke’s do the same; Clarke was kissing her pulse point over and over, nuzzling into her. She felt her speak before she heard the actual words. “Holy, wow. I just, I just came _into_ you. Did you feel that, too?” 

Lexa pushed a couple of strands of hair out of Clarke’s face; she kissed her softly, before responding. “How could I not?” She shifted a little. “That was the hottest thing I’ve ever felt. We need to figure out how to do that again.” She didn't trust herself to say anything more right now.

Clarke raised herself on one elbow. “More sex on the beach?”

Lexa nodded, cradling her head in her hands. “Hell yes. Happy birthday to me.” 

Clarke touched the tip of her nose with a finger. “Good birthday?”

Lexa’s smile was beatific. “Best. Ever.” She meant it.

The rain got a little heavier. Clarke rolled off Lexa to sit up. “And I haven’t even given you your gift yet.” She got on her knees; it was going to take her a few minutes to stand up. 

Lexa wobbled to her feet. “This wasn’t it?” She held out her hand to Clarke, who took it and hoisted herself up. “This was a bonus. For me, too.” She ran a hand through her hair. “Holy shit, Lexa. What do you do to me?”

They picked up their clothes; there was no point in putting them back on. “I should ask you the same thing.” Lexa slipped an arm around her, as they made their way back to the house on the deserted beach, naked and satiated. If Clarke noticed Lexa lost in thought, she didn’t say anything about it.

******

“Are you ready for this? They were in Clarke’s room, wrapped in towels after their shower. Lexa had just walked in with some brandy for them both. She set their glasses down by the bed, and turned to Clarke. She was standing by a canvas on an easel; it was covered with a black cloth.

“Is this another artistic and medically perfect rendering of my vagina?” Lexa tried for humour; she was nervous. The thoughts she had on the beach had kept playing in her head since. 

Clarke's smile was naughty, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes; she looked apprehensive, too. “There’s plenty more of you I want to sketch. But for now, there’s this.” She took her cloth off in one smooth motion, not taking her eyes off Lexa’s face.

It was a study in emotion. At first, not a muscle moved in it, except for her eyes. Then, she saw it open gradually, and a gentle smile broke across Lexa’s face; to Clarke, that was one of the most beautiful things she’d ever seen. She watched Lexa raise a hand to her face and take in the painting; she was quiet for a long time.

Lexa stared at what looked like two ghosts of herself. In black and white watercolour, Clarke had painted two versions of Lexa, except that they looked like one was painted on top of the other; she was looking at her two selves at once. The eyes were the same, but somehow, Clarke had superimposed the softness of her original face with firmer, sharper lines like she had now. On the canvas, she saw her two selves converging, but what struck her the most was the expression; her eyes were the same in them both; and now, looking into them, knowing what she did, she knew that they had always shown to Clarke what she was finally ready to say out loud. She took in a deep breath, and turned to Clarke; there was no fear now, just the knowledge that it was time. 

Clarke looked at her, her face open, her heart vulnerable. “What do you think?”

Lexa stepped closer to her, and reached for her hands. “Clarke.” She waited until she saw the ocean in Clarke’s eyes calm a little; she bit her lip. “I love you.”

Clarke's breath caught in her throat. So this was it; this is what the look in Lexa’s eyes had been. She felt the words sink in and begin to dissolve the wall she’d built so carefully around her heart. Lexa had finally made a crack in it, and she felt a deep, golden warmth seep through and into her very soul. The sheer magic of it made her smile. She held Lexa's face with her hands; Lexa’s eyes always spoke her truth; they were no different now. She rested her forehead against Lexa’s before taking in a deep breath and raising her head again. “I know, Lex. I know.”

As Lexa swept her up and carried her to bed, Clarke rained kisses all over her face. Maybe they would get their happy ending after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gather your thoughts and come talk to me if you like.


	58. Blame it on the twilight, on the fingernail moonlight

She’d always wondered how it was possible to wake up next to the same person every day, and not get used to it. Boredom was probably too harsh of a word - though she had assumed that it was inevitable, and maybe relationships survived because there were other things that made up for their gradual and gradually inescapable descent into extreme familiarity. But now, as she watched Clarke’s eyes dart under their lids, spelling out sleep-stories in her private worlds - as vivid and colourful as Clarke herself probably - Lexa understood for the first time what it meant to learn ten thousand ways to love someone. 

How could she ever be tired of any of this, of the hyper clarity with which she could sense the rise and fall of Clarkes’s breath like it was her own, of knowing what the soft golden tendrils felt like as if they tickled her own cheeks, of this feeling that she now had a whole new part of herself to begin to discover; it was exhilarating, astonishing and breathtaking, all at once. She reached out and touched Clarke’s cheek, gently brushing their lips together. Clarke’s eyes fluttered open, and Lexa watched the haze of sleep clear away to be replaced by a shy smile. “Hi.” Clarke turned her head to kiss Lexa’s hand; she touched Lexa’s hair, curling a few strands in between her fingers. 

“Hi, yourself.” Lexa shifted onto Clarke’s pillow. She wanted to be close to her. “Thank you for yesterday.” She leaned in for a kiss. “I think it was one of my favourite days so far.” 

Clarke nodded. “Me too; me too.” Lexa felt her hesitate then. “Lexa, what you said...”

“...I meant it. Every word.” Lexa’s thumb brushed over Clarke’s lips. “Do you believe me?”

Clarke’s gaze was firm, her smile confident. “I do.” She felt Lexa relax a little.

“You said you knew.” 

Clarke nodded again. “Yeah, I did. I do.”

Lexa paused, finding her words. “I know, too.” 

Clarke’s hand stilled in her hair. She tried to look away, but Lexa fought to hold her gaze. Clarke felt her eyes well up under the sheer power in Lexa’s; she bit her bottom lip to try and stop it from trembling.

Lexa’s eyes softened as she kissed each tear that rolled down Clarke’s cheeks, making gentle hushing sounds to comfort her. Finally, when they stopped, she rested her head back down on the pillow. “What’s it going to take, Clarke?”

Clarke sniffed as she traced her fingers across Lexa’s jaw, over her cheekbones, her eyebrows, committing each line to memory; if she lost her again, she wanted to remember Lexa through more than sight; she needed to fill herself up with Lexa in all her senses. “A little more patience from you.” She braced herself for Lexa’s reaction; what if she had had enough?

Lexa sighed; she didn’t know how much more of that she had left to give, but for Clarke’s sake, and for theirs, she would try. “Okay. Okay, if that’s what you need. I can do that.” She hoped her smile conveyed a reassurance she didn’t feel.

Clarke nodded. “Thank you. And I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’m here, Clarke.” Lexa sat up halfway, leading Clarke’s hand to her chest. “I’m here with you now.” 

Clarke felt the steady beating of her heart under her palm; it was true; Lexa _was_ here. “I know. And I’m grateful for it, really. This is on me, Lex.” 

Inner turmoil tasted like salt and silence, Lexa learned through Clarke’s kiss. She nodded; at least Clarke had acknowledged it; any progress they were going to make, anything they needed to say to each other, was up to Clarke now. Lexa didn’t know what else she could do or say. She sat up, looking at a phone notification that had popped up; she needed a distraction. “Hey, Nutso’s just set up curb side pickup; I could go for an acai bowl, and one of their incredible smoothies.” 

Clarke nodded, as she got out of bed; she appreciated Lexa’s attempt to lighten the mood. “Me too. Want to go get us some?” She needed some space, and suspected Lexa did, too. 

Lexa jumped off the bed, heading to her room to change. “Yeah, great idea.” 

She came back a few minutes later, freshened up and ready to go, holding her phone out to Clarke. She waited until Clarke had finished typing her order, and looked up. Cradling her face, she kissed her once. “We’re okay.” 

Clarke nodded, giving her a weak smile. “Yeah, yeah we are.” She wrapped arms around Lexa’s waist, holding her close until her stomach rumbled loudly. “Go, I’m starving.”

With a quick smile, Lexa was gone in a flash. As she straightened out the covers, Clarke knew she was running out of time. She eased the creases out of the sheets, picking up Lexa’s pillow and holding it against herself, inhaling her scent. It was so damn hard, patching up a broken heart. Especially if the glue was the same thing that caused the cracks in the first place; how could she be sure that it would all stay together?

The buzzing of her phone caught her eye. _Mom._ Taking in a deep breath, she answered it. Maybe a change of perspective was what she needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hold on to your heart....


	59. Try and catch the deluge in a paper cup

Considering just how many words there were in the English language, it was amazing how few of them people chose to string together in almost identical combinations. “I’m so very sorry, Abby.” “We’ll carry his memories with us forever.” “Clarke, we’re only a phone call away, if you need anything.” “Jake was such an incredible father. And husband, of course.” That last one, and its variations, really grated on her nerves. How the hell would they know? She didn’t recall seeing them being around when her dad had taken her camping for the first time, and they had sat up counting fireflies late into the night; or the time when he had missed the opening night of her high school art show because of an emergency at the auto plant; or the time she had stayed up half the night trying to block out the sounds of her parents arguing by turning up the music in her headphones louder and louder, only to find them wrapped up in a long embrace as she went down to breakfast the next morning. They meant well, of course, they all did. But they had no fucking clue. And that was why she hated that they could, by casually throwing trite bullshit their way, be absolutely right. Jake Griffin was the best dad in the world, and if she could speak for her mother and based on what she had seen, probably the best husband anyone could have asked for.

Clarke watched her mother smile and nod through the endless stream of mourners; she had to keep it together for her sake. Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted Raven coming up to her, armed with two glasses of wine. “Hey, Griff. How’re you holding up?” She handed one of the glasses to Clarke.

Clarke shook her head as she took a long sip. “Listening to people remind me over and over that my dad’s finally dead after losing a five year-long battle with cancer? Peachy.” She shrugged, chugging some more wine. It tasted like crap, but it was taking the edge off. She remembered she hadn’t eaten anything apart from a few pieces of fruit before the funeral this morning. 

Raven hugged her and rested her head on her shoulder; there wasn’t anything to say to that. When they parted, Clarke wiped away the errant tears that had fallen on her cheeks. She smiled at Raven. “Thanks for being here, Ray. Couldn’t have done it without you.” 

Raven tapped Clarke’s cheek. “It’s my job as your last remaining bestie, Griff. No thanks necessary.” She looked over at Abby. “I’m going to go check on her. I’ll come find you for a refill.” 

A magnolia flower dropped gently on Clarke, skimming her arm as it fell to the ground; she reached down and picked it up. She looked up at the tree above her head; it had burst into full bloom, its flowers practically floating against the blue sky, the fragrance wafting through the heavy summer air, cutting through more than just the humidity and the mood. These were white flowers, and they always reminded her of Lexa, and their silly, long standing mock battle between the superiority of pink over white magnolias. Of course Lexa had picked the white ones. She twirled the flower between her fingers, feeling a sudden, intense longing come over her. Like she had almost every day over the last five years, she wished more than anything that Lexa had been there with her, by her side. What she wouldn’t have given for that calm strength to hold her up, and to feel Lexa’s arms around her once more. She shook her head; it was pointless, thinking like this. Lexa hadn’t reached out since they graduated; there was no way she was going to do it now. She had clearly forgotten about Clarke; it was time Clarke did the same. Still, as she tucked the flower behind her ear, she took a little bit of that warmth that the thought of Lexa had created, and put it away deep inside, to go back to when she needed it the most.

******

Abby sighed as she sank onto the couch, taking off her shoes. Clarke and Raven walked out from the kitchen, carrying plates of leftovers from the reception they had reheated in the microwave. They ate in silence for the first few minutes, each lost in their own thoughts. Clarke looked up at her mother. “How are you doing, mom?” Abby poked at the potato salad half-heartedly. When she looked up, the corners of her eyes drooped from exhaustion; her smile was nothing more than a fading line drawn with a watercolour pencil. “I’m okay, darling.” She paused, putting her fork down. “Honestly, I’m just glad it’s over. Now we can remember and mourn him in peace."

Clarke nodded. “Yeah. I know what you mean. But I also feel like we’d been saying goodbye to him in little pieces every time the cancer came back.” She looked at her mother, her eyes glistening. “In the end, he wasn’t all there, was he?”

Abby shook her head, tears slipping from her eyes. “No, he had floated into his own world those last few months.” She took a tissue from the box on the table and wiped her eyes. “But he loved you until the day he died, Clarke.” 

Clarke nodded. “You too, mom. I could see it.” Raven patted her back soothingly. When her voice had stopped shaking, Clarke spoke up again. “But I still can’t believe you didn’t tell me until the end of the summer after graduation. That’s four more months I could have had with him.”

Abby's voice was steady, but firm. “We’ve been over this; it was your father’s idea. He didn’t want you to turn down art camp.” She wiped her lipstick off the wine glass with her thumb. “And you know, we didn’t want to upset you even more; you were so torn up about Lexa leaving without….saying goodbye.” 

Clarke didn’t say anything; it was true. She had been a mess after graduation; the art fellowship had literally saved her sanity in that summer between college and medical school; that first summer without Lexa. She looked over at Raven, who gave her a sympathetic smile; she knew Clarke had been upset, but not the full extent of why. 

Raven stood up, holding out her hand to gather Clarke and Abby’s plates. “I’ll clear up; you ladies need some Griffin time.”

Abby smiled gratefully at her. Clarke topped Abby’s glass off before pouring more wine into her own, and sank back against the couch.

Abby was quiet for a while. Finally, she looked up. “Have you heard about deferring the semester?” 

Clarke nodded. “Yeah, they’re letting me take it off again. I’m hoping to be back for the spring.” 

Abby nodded. “Good. Take the time. It will help in the long run.” She seemed lost in thought.

“What are you going to do, mom?”

Abby was playing with the rim of her glass. “Well, I’ve been thinking about that recently. You know, my role at the hospital is more of consulting, and they’ve told me I can go back in whatever capacity I want to, if I want to, when I’m ready. And there really isn’t anything left for me here anymore. So, how would you feel if i moved to where you are?”

Clarke sat up straighter. “Seriously? That would be awesome. Mom, you’ll love it down there. It’s so much warmer, and there’s a ton of stuff to do…” She trailed off. “And yes, we’ll be closer to each other. Griffins unite.” She leaned out and held up her hand.

Abby high fived her right back. “Griffin women stick together.” She smiled at Clarke. “And you’re all I have now.” Clarke got up and walked over to Abby and put her arms around her. No matter what, they would always have each other.

******

“Hi darling, I’m glad I caught you. You’ve been quiet recently.”

Clarke fought to keep her voice level. “I’m fine, mom. Just….busy with work and stuff."

Abby’s concern crackled through the phone. “Clarke, what’s wrong? You sound tired.”

Clarke shook her head, then realized she couldn’t see her. “No, everything’s fine. It’s good, actually.” It was. Aside from this morning, it was. She realized she needed to bring Abby up to speed. “Well, actually, I have news.”

“Oh?”

“Lexa and me, we’re dating. We have been for a couple of months, but yeah, we’re together.”

There was a long pause at the end of the line. “Two months? That’s….nice.” You could’ve used the tautness in Abby’s voice like a clothesline, Clarke thought. She sighed, rubbing her forehead. “What’s up, mom? Why aren’t you happy about us?”

Abby cleared her throat. “It’s not that I'm not happy, Clarke. It’s just sudden, isn’t it?”

“Well, actually, it’s been a long time coming. It just seems sudden because things moved quickly in lockdown.” Abby was hedging, and it was annoying. “Why don’t you just tell me what you have against Lexa? You’ve been saying weird things about her since she got here.”

“I don’t have anything against Lexa, Clarke. You know how highly we thought of her in college.” Clarke waited for her to continue; there was more, she could feel it. “It’s just, last time was...difficult for you. Not that I want to bring this up, but have you discussed what’s next? Does Lexa have any reason to stay after the pandemic? Is she still settling down and staying here?”

Clarke frowned; she didn’t have any of those answers, because Lexa and she hadn’t talked about those things yet. “I mean, I don’t know; we’ll figure it out, I’m sure. And I should be reason enough to stay.”

Abby’s reply was swift. “ _Should_ be, Clarke. I really hope so.” Clarke inhaled sharply. She’d heard the rest of that wordless sentence loud and clear. _But Lexa didn’t think so the last time._

She was suddenly irritated with her mother. Abby didn’t know what had happened between them in college. “This is different from college, mom. We’re actually in a relationship, which comes with responsibilities and expectations.”

Abby snorted. “Don’t tell me there wasn’t anything going on between you two in college, Clarke. I could see it from miles away.” She took a deep breath in. “I just think you need to be careful so you don’t end up getting hurt like that again; I’m not telling you what you should or shouldn’t do. Just, put yourself first this time. Lexa is good, she’s _such_ a good person, but Clarke, you’re my daughter. I’m trying to protect you, like I always have.”

Clarke scowled; this conversation was not helping her nervousness at all. All the thoughts she had been fighting to keep at bay so far were now collectively feeding into her worries. Maybe she was right not to open up to Lexa completely; Lexa had only told her that she loved her, but nothing else. And she was being patient right now, but what if she lost it, and upped and left, again? A small part of her thought this might have been her anxiety raising its head, but she pushed the thought away; she was only going off Lexa’s past behaviour; maybe this wasn’t so irrational after all. She needed to think about this some more; she was so close to working through what she was feeling for Lexa and what she wanted from them, but maybe this was the cautionary note she needed to hear. But then again, everything Lexa had said to her, everything she had _been_ since they had started dating, and even before that, told the exact opposite story; she had been incredible. But she'd been amazing in college, too. Maybe there was an explanation for all the buts that had her going around in these confusing circles. She needed to talk to Lexa; she needed some kind of certainty from her. But first, she needed to collect her thoughts; somewhere between the two extremes was a path she needed to find, and it would hopefully lead her in the right direction - towards Lexa, and not away from her.

“Clarke? Are you still there?”

She was shaken out of the murky pool of her thoughts. “Yeah, yeah, I am. Look, mom, I’m going to let you go; I need some time to think. I’ll call you later.”

“Oh, okay, well, I love you.”

Clarke clicked off the call without saying goodbye; she put her head in her hands. That had made everything ten times worse. In that moment, she couldn’t decide what hurt more - being with Lexa, or without her. What a fuck up her heart was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somebody put Abby back on a (COVID-free) cruise ship, please.


	60. Little piece of me you can’t have

As she waited for her order in the Jeep, one hand tapping on the steering wheel, Lexa picked up her phone and began responding to the birthday wishes on her Facebook page. Her face lit up, and she had a smile plastered on as she read through them; so many memories, such great times with incredible people. She didn’t know when she would ever get to see them in the same place again, but it was comforting to know that in spite of the contrived distances of space and time compounded by the pandemic, she was lucky to have friends all over the world who had remembered her birthday. She laughed out loud at a couple of messages; Goa really had been so good for her. She knew she’d have to go back and visit; maybe she could ask Clarke if she’d want to go with her. She wanted Clarke to know her life there. Well, as much of it as possible. She came up to Astro’s message, and Costia’s _Like_ on it. She typed off a response to Astro: _How about we repeat that night in 2021? I pick the place, you bring the party. :)_ Hitting send, she clicked on the _Reply_ tab to the same message. She hesitated for a second, then decided to go for it. _@Costia, thanks for the wishes. It’s so good to hear from you. :)_ Fuck it, she was over hesitating and hiding. If Costia had cracked the door open, she would toe it slightly, too, to see if she was allowed back in. 

“Hi, cutie. Is this you?” She looked up into a flash of white teeth and wild black curls. The woman was wearing a crop top with the Nutso’s logo, and extra tight jeans, showing off her toned midriff and arms, and generally leaving very little to the imagination. Lexa raised an eyebrow, and smiled as she reached for the cardboard tray and paper bag through the passenger side window, trying to social distance as best she could. “Hi, yeah, thanks so much…” she looked down at the woman’s chest for her nameplate. “...Camille. Really glad you folks are doing pickup now; we’ve missed your stuff.” 

Camille’s eyes travelled over Lexa as she stuck her hands in the back pockets of her jeans, the action pushing her breasts up and out even further. “So, since you got two of everything, and there’s a ‘we’, I’m guessing your number’s off the table?”

Lexa’s smile was bashful. “That’s flattering, thank you. But I’m very much taken, yeah.”

Camille nodded, turning to leave. “Sucks for me. Well, if it doesn’t work out, you let me know.” She winked at Lexa.

Lexa grinned as she wore her sunglasses and put the car in reverse. “In another lifetime, that’s a yes. Take care, Camille.” 

No matter how crazy Clarke’s indecision was driving her right now, there was no way she was letting her slip through her fingers again. By the time she had turned into the driveway, she had made up her mind; she would give Clarke as much time as she needed, but only if they were moving forward; for her part, Lexa was done spinning around in endless circles. 

Clarke was heading up the stairs when she walked in. “Hi.” Lexa leaned in for a kiss.

“Hey, that wasn’t too long; I’m glad.” Clarke’s smile didn’t quite reach her eyes, and her lips were holding back.

Lexa’s brow furrowed. What had happened now? She thought they were fine when she had left; now Clarke seemed even more upset than before. “Clarke, what’s up?” She walked into the kitchen to wipe down the outsides of the smoothie cups and the acai bowls, then lathered and washed her hands thoroughly before washing down the kitchen sink quickly. Turning around, she watched Clarke grab her breakfast bowl and drink, and hesitate for a second. “I think I need to paint for a little while, Lex.” She gently smacked her head with the bottom edge of her hand. “Whatever’s going on up here needs out.” She smiled, ruefully. “See you for lunch? We have last night’s leftovers, if you’re up for that.”

Lexa watched her carefully. She really was acting strange. Patience. Patience. “Yeah, of course. I’ll see you in a couple of hours.” She watched Clarke turning to leave; she felt a sharp pang of hurt; not even a hug?

As if reading her mind, Clarke suddenly set her things down on the counter; taking two quick strides, she flung herself into Lexa, wrapping her arms around Lexa’s head to pull her close, locking their lips in an intense, open-mouthed kiss, trying to tell Lexa all the things she wasn’t saying yet in words, as their mouths slid against each other, desperately. They parted a minute or two later, panting and flushed. “Hey, I’ll be back soon,” Clarke whispered against her lips. With another quick peck, and a brush of her fingers against Lexa’s face, she was gone.

Lexa watched after her, confused. She picked up her breakfast and phone and went to the back deck, trying to shake off the familiar unpleasant feeling gathering inside her. She knew it too well; it reminded her of spring break her senior year of college. Sighing, she sat down and began flipping through her phone mindlessly. This is what you got for telling the girl you were crazy about her. Again.

*******

Lexa was sitting on the couch, half-heartedly watching reruns of _The Office_ , waiting for Clarke to come down for lunch. A new email notification flashed onto her phone screen; she clicked on it, waiting for the app to open.

_Hi Lexa,_

_Thanks for responding on Facebook; it’s good to hear from you, too. I hope you had a nice birthday; Anya said it was a fun one, and generally fitting with this year. I’m glad you got to celebrate a little, and hopefully it was memorable._

_Look, Lexa, I’ve been thinking about us these past few weeks and, if you meant what you said the last time we spoke, if you’re really serious about trying to be friends, then I think we should clear the air. I’m ready to talk if you are, and thank you for giving me the time and space to sort myself out. So, let me know if you’re up for a chat sometime._

_Take care of yourself, and talk soon, I hope,_

_Costia_

  
Lexa was smiling from ear to ear by the time she got through the message; she had missed Costia’s openness; they had always been able to talk about absolutely anything. She would reply later, and she silently thanked her stars for this new development. Now if she could only get Clarke to talk to her about what was on her mind. She chewed on the fingernail of her left thumb, mulling things over. A few minutes later, she sat up, squaring her shoulders. She had made a decision. 

******

Clarke set down her paintbrush, wiping her hands on a rag; the canvas in front of her was a wild series of strokes and shades; she turned her head to the right; she might as well have picked up a can of paint and thrown it at the canvas; there was no subtlety to this painting, but she knew what to say to Lexa now. Her phone buzzed as she walked into the bathroom to wash up. It was a text from her mother: _Clarke, I hope you’re not upset over our conversation today; I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intention. And also, you know that everything I’ve done has been to protect you; I want nothing but the best for you, darling. Always. I hope you can see that. Love, Mom._ She shook her head; it was rare for her mother to apologize for anything; she would take it, even though it seemed a little over the top. Her mother meant well; she would respond to her later.

She found Lexa sitting in the living room, typing into her phone. “Hey, Lex.”

Lexa looked up and smiled. “Hi, good painting?”

Clarke nodded. “Did the trick. Want a beer?” Lexa nodded back. Clarke came back into the room a couple of minutes later with two, and handed Lexa one. She sat down on the opposite end of the couch from Lexa, putting her feet up. Lexa turned sideways to face her. Clarke took a sip of her beer. “I’ve been thinking.”

Lexa was relieved. “Me too.” She tipped her bottle at Clarke. “I’m glad you said that. Want to go first?” She shifted closer to Clarke, taking her hand. 

Clarke cleared her throat and began. “Mom called. I told her about us. She said it was nice.”

Lexa raised her eyebrows. “Nice? Nice is for the weather, and when you don’t mean it when you meet someone. What’s going on?” The Abby she remembered probably wouldn't have reacted in that way. But then, did she even know Abby anymore? They hadn’t talked once in the couple of months that Lexa had been there; maybe she could fix that and ask to speak with her the next time she called Clarke.

Clarke hesitated; how was she going to say this without hurting Lexa? “Well, she wanted to know if you had any plans about what to do after the pandemic.”

Lexa’s laugh was surprised. “Well, I mean, no. But I can write one up for her if she wants.” What a strange question. “But I mean, we haven’t talked about any of this, Clarke. What did you tell her?”

“Pretty much the same thing. But, now I wonder if she had a point.”

Lexa frowned. “A point about what? Why are we hung up on my non-existent post-pandemic plans?”

Clarke sighed. “Because Lexa, I need to know if you’re going to stay once the world comes rushing back in.” There it was; she held her breath.

Lexa let go of Clarke’s hand and folded her arms; was Clarke serious? She felt the frustration from this morning rise up inside her. “Clarke, I just told you I’m in love with you. What do you think?”

Clarke watched Lexa; she was getting defensive, but she could see the hurt and confusion in Lexa’s eyes. She softened her tone a bit. “Lex, I just need to know that this is going somewhere.”

Lexa pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to compose herself. She didn’t know why, but it felt like she was running on her last nerve; and she was tired of being tested. “I think I should be asking you that question, Clarke. Because from where I’m standing, I’ve already put my heart on the line. So yeah, do _you_ think this is going somewhere?”

Clarke bit her lip; Lexa’s question was a fair one. She looked away trying to gauge the best response. “I want it to; I really do.” Lexa let out a long, frustrated sigh. Circles, they were chasing each other around in circles. And she was so tired of it; of standing in front of Clarke with her heart in her hands, of not getting a straight answer, of being pushed and pulled around every time she had tried to get them to talk. “Clarke, it’s a _yes_ or _no_ question.” The firmness in her tone surprised them both. 

“You said you would be patient, Lexa.” Clarke stood her ground stubbornly. 

Lexa felt her annoyance rising. “Yeah, well, I lied.” She rubbed her eyes, trying to compose herself. “Do you know what my birthday resolution was?”

“Birthday wish, you mean?” Clarke corrected her, before she could stop herself.

“Birthday _resolution_ , Clarke. Grown ups don’t wish for things; they act, they resolve to do things.” She was shaking now; what was it going to take for Clarke let her in? “Do you know what mine was? To spend my life making you happy.” She paused, watching what she had said sink in. “So why won’t you let me? Why do you keep pushing me away?” Clarke was clutching the beer bottle so tight, Lexa could see her knuckles turning white. Lexa paused, swallowing hard. “Why won’t you trust me with your heart, Clarke?” Her voice was gentle, barely above a whisper. 

Clarke was silent for a long moment as she looked down and traced the shape of the bottle with her finger. When she looked up, her eyes were full of unshed tears, “Because the last time I did, you crumpled it up and threw it in the trash without a second thought.” She paused. “How do I know you won’t do it again?”

Lexa stared at her, her mouth slightly open, as she tried to process Clarke’s words; they didn’t make any sense; that’s not what she remembered had happened. “What are you talking about? You didn’t have feelings for me in college. Not seriously.”

Clarke’s fists clenched and unclenched in her lap. Of course Lexa would think that. It was easy for her to assume she had been the only one hurting, then. She closed her eyes; all the pain, the heartache and the longing of the last decade she had felt, every moment she had spent missing Lexa in the last ten years, all of it came rushing back with the force of a hurricane. Underneath it all, she felt the tide of something else rise up; she was so fucking angry now. “Didn’t I, Lexa? _Didn’t I?”_

__

They stared at each other, eyes wild, each one trying to remember the night before their college graduation ten years ago, knowing full well they had reached the point of no return.

__


	61. I’ll always remember you the same, eyes like wildflowers, with your demons of change

“Claaaarkey, there you are!” Raven waved her over excitedly. “Come on, just in time for shots.” Raven handed her a double shot glass of tequila. “Lick!” Clarke stuck her tongue to wet the top of her left hand; Raven grabbed the salt shaker and sprinkled some on Clarke’s hand. Grabbing a wedge of lime, she held it out. “Linc, O, Lex, let’s go!” The others stopped chatting amongst themselves, and held up their glasses, clinking them all in a circle. “We made it! Couldn’t have done it without you, crew!” Raven yelled above the thumping music. Clarke knocked the shot back, catching Lexa’s eye as she sucked on the lime. She put the wedge in the empty shot glass, pushing it away on the counter, and made her way to Lexa. “Hey, Lex.”

Lexa’s smile was wide and warm; she looked so much more relaxed, now that the stress of finals and honours projects was behind them. “Hi, Clarke. I was wondering when you’d get here.” 

Lexa was waiting for her? The thought made her happy. “Yeah, just had some last minute stuff to do.” She grinned. “You know, puttying up holes in walls and stuff.” 

Lexa laughed; she was familiar with Clarke’s little dorm delinquencies; in spite of them, she somehow always managed to escape a fine during room inspection. “The important things, obviously. All set for graduation?”

Clarke shrugged. “Yeah, I mean, as much as I can be. It’s going to be so surreal.” She paused. “I still can’t believe you’re not going to be there, Lex. We’ll miss you.” _I’ll miss you the most_ , she wanted to say. 

Lexa nodded. “Yeah, me too. Part of me wishes I could have been there. But, c’est la vie.”

Clarke took a sip of her beer. “What time is your flight tomorrow?” 

Lexa leaned back against the bar, resting on her elbows. “Seven AM. I have to be at the airport at five.” 

Clarke groaned. “Brutal. How long is the trip?” 

Lexa shrugged. “Two days, with all the connections and layovers. I’m planning on being asleep for most of it.” They were quiet for a few minutes, watching their friends and the rest of their graduating class on the dance floor. Lexa sighed. “Here we are. Four years, or four minutes later. Who knows?”

Clarke nodded. She knew what Lexa meant; their classes had seemed the first, but if she could measure their time together, it was definitely in the second category. Raven waved her over to the dance floor; she waved back half-heartedly, holding up her beer; she didn’t want to leave Lexa.

“You should go let loose. It’s your last night before graduation.” Lexa was watching her intently. 

Clarke looked into her eyes, losing herself in them for a few seconds; she hadn’t had any time alone with Lexa since the exhibition. After that day, they had nose-dived into the last two weeks of their semester; they hadn’t had a chance to talk about that night, and if Clarke was being honest with herself, she hadn’t wanted to; Lexa’s rejection had stung enough once, as it is. She had screwed up badly, she knew that; the least she could do now was let Lexa go off to Africa in peace; she owed her that much, and the best she could hope for was to stay in touch with Lexa while she was away, and maybe, just maybe, they could have a chance again, in the future when they were both more at peace with themselves. For her part, Clarke just wanted to soothe the ache inside by enjoying Lexa while she still had her; she reached out and touched her arm. “What about you?”  
Lexa shook her head. “I’m probably going to head out soon, honestly. I’m terrified of oversleeping and missing my flight.”

Clarke’s heart sank. No, no. This couldn’t end so soon. She set her beer down. “Want to get out of here? I can’t hear myself think.” She was greedy to keep the last few minutes of Lexa to herself. 

Lexa nodded. “Yeah, yeah, I’d like that. Let’s take a walk.”

They slipped out, quietly, without the others noticing. They’d already had a goodbye dinner with them the night before; Lexa was glad for it. It looked like there wasn’t going to be much time for farewells tonight. She would give them all regular Facebook updates when she could. For now, here was Clarke; she wanted to spend her last evening with her alone; it was her graduation gift, Lexa told herself, these last few precious moments with her. They strolled through the quad, listening to the quiet rustling of the trees in the late spring air. As they came up to the magnolia trees, Lexa picked a white flower up from the ground, handing it to Clarke. “Just to settle the issue once and for all.” Clarke rolled her eyes. “You wish. Let’s call it a truce, Woods.” She tucked the flower behind her ear. Lexa shook her head; she was grateful they were here, back to being friends; they had survived, and had managed to salvage the most important part of their relationship; she ignored the surge of longing inside of her; she’d mostly managed to get her feelings under control again since the exhibition. Clarke hadn’t mentioned it again, so she had focused on burying her feelings back inside; in time they would probably fade, and she would remember their brief….whatever it was, with fondness. But she would always have Clarke in her life in some capacity, right?

“So what’s the plan once you get there?” Clarke asked, bringing Lexa back to the present. 

Lexa cleared her throat. “So, I’ve got about three weeks of training and orientation, then another couple of weeks of settling in. And my trade-off for having to change my plans around to get there early is that they’ve offered me two months off in the summer to travel around, if I want.” Lexa kicked at a stone, watching it fly into the grass. “You usually don’t get that until the end of your assignment.”

“Cool. Do you know where you’re going to go?” Lexa shrugged. “Dunno. Maybe North Africa? I’ve always wanted to go to Morocco; maybe even Egypt. Actually, what I’d really like to go to is the Festival in the Desert for Touareg music.” 

Clarke’s expression was wistful. “Any of those places sound incredible.” 

Lexa looked at her; before she could stop herself, she blurted it out. “Come visit me. We could see it together.”

Clarke raised her eyebrows; her heart was suddenly thumping in her chest. What was stopping her, really? A couple of months with Lexa, by themselves, sounded incredible. Maybe that would be their chance. “I….could. Mom and Dad have said they want me to take a break before med school.”

Lexa’s smile was soft, her eyes inviting. “Seriously? That would be amazing. I mean it. How about we plan it over email? We’ve got about a month or so to get it together. Should be plenty of time, right?”

Clarke nodded; the excitement in Lexa’s eyes didn’t make it seem like such a ridiculous idea after all. “Let’s do it. I’m serious. We can start planning next week when you land and have Internet access again. You will, won’t you?”

Lexa waved her hand. “Yeah, yeah, I’m sure. We’ll find a way. I can’t imagine there not being any.”

They were at Clarke’s dorm now; Lexa stopped and looked at her watch. It was getting late; she needed to leave soon if she was going to get any sleep tonight. A sense of relief overcame her; this wasn’t the huge goodbye she had been dreading after all; they could do this. She would get to see Clarke this summer after all. For now though, the parting still sucked. She shifted from foot to foot, collecting herself before looking up at Clarke. “Well, I guess I should get going. Congratulations, Clarke. Tomorrow is going to be awesome; I’m proud of you.”

Clarke’s eyes welled up even though she was smiling. “Yeah, yeah, it should be great. You, too. I’ll post the pictures on Facebook. Safe travels, Lex.” She pulled Lexa in for a hug, burying her nose in her hair.

Lexa tightened her arms around Clarke; she had missed holding her so much. She didn’t know anything else in the world that compared to the feeling. They stayed like that for a few minutes, relaxing into each other’s touch. Finally, Lexa pulled away to look at Clarke once more. She raised her hand to wipe the tears off Clarke’s cheeks; her skin was so soft. Her thumb brushed against Clarke’s lips. She felt Clarke’s breath hitch; her eyes shone with a different kind of intensity. This was so familiar; they’d both been here before, and if she was being honest, Lexa had never stopped craving Clarke, and craving them. Without another word, she lowered her head and kissed Clarke. She didn’t know what to expect at first; then Clarke parted her lips, and Lexa lost her head. Within seconds, they were grabbing at each other, trying to tear their clothes off. Clarke ripped her lips from Lexa’s and without another word, grabbed her hand and led her upstairs to her room. Lexa paused as she entered, taking in how bare it was, a visceral reminder of how this really was the end of such a big phase of their lives, and of this part of them. She grabbed Clarke by the lapels of her jacket, crashing their lips together. How had she gone so long without her? This time when they broke apart, Lexa’s eyes were almost pleading. “Come to me; come see me in Africa.” Clarke nodded; she meant it. She would go anywhere if Lexa would just keep kissing her like that. “I am, I will.” As they landed on the bed tangled up in each other, just one thought kept playing in Clarke’s head, over and over again: _She wanted Lexa, but more than that, she wanted to be Lexa’s._

Later, as she lay with her head on Lexa’s chest, catching her breath, drawing lines on the skin of her hip, she felt Lexa shift under her. She raised her head to look at her. “Hi. Doing okay?” Lexa smiled, but it was a little strained. “What’s up, Lex?”

Lexa looked sheepish. “I need to pee. I’ve been trying to hold it in, but…” 

Clarke laughed, kissing her quickly as she rolled off her. She watched Lexa slip on just her jeans and top, leaving her underwear on the floor. “Be right back.” 

Clarke rolled over onto her back. Now that she could put a label to the feeling, she was exhilarated and hopeful. Her mind ran a mile a minute, making plans. She could spend half the summer in Africa with Lexa, and the first semester of med school would fly by. Lexa had said she planned to be home for Christmas; maybe they could see each other then? This didn’t seem so hard if they could plan it properly. She was suddenly struck by a thought. Grabbing her laptop off her desk, she opened her email up, typing a new message.  
  


_Hi Matt:_

_Thanks again to you and the Kala team for accepting me into this year’s summer retreat; I can’t tell you how beyond thrilled and humbled I am to be a part of it!!! I did have a quick request, though. I’d like to change my attendance from 4 months to 2, if that’s possible, and split them (one now, and one at the end of the summer). It’s just, much as I’d love to be there for the whole summer, my plans have changed a bit; I’ll be away in the middle of it, travelling around parts of Africa. Hopefully this won’t be too much of an inconvenience to manage logistically, and thank you so much in advance._

_I’m SO looking forward to meeting you all!  
_ _Clarke  
  
_

She hit _Send_ and put the lid down just as Lexa walked back in; Clarke rested her laptop down by the bed. Lexa slipped out of her clothes and got in beside her again. They lay side by side, facing each other, kissing softly for a few minutes. Clarke sighed, pulling away, gently running her hands over Lexa’s face; how could she not have seen it before? She was crazy about this girl, and had been for a while. She needed to tell her before she left; she was confident they could make it work; she could tell by the way Lexa was looking at her, by how she had touched her just now, that they still had a chance. Lexa yawned; Clarke cuddled into her; she would tell her in the morning, right now, she just wanted to sleep wrapped up in Lexa’s arms. “Goodnight, Lex. Wake me, okay? I want to say goodbye properly.”

Lexa hummed her response, holding her close. “Okay.” Closing her eyes, Clarke fell asleep almost instantly, content and at peace for the first time in a long time.

Lexa was having a hard time falling asleep in spite of being tired; the anticipation of waking up in a few hours was making it hard for her to let her guard down. That, and whatever that had just happened between Clarke and her had her mind racing. She sighed; she had tried so damn hard to push herself back into friend territory, and she had almost made it. And now here she was, back where she had started, her month’s work of trying to rein in her feelings being rendered completely useless because of one night with Clarke. What the hell was she supposed to do now? Clarke had said she would come to Africa, and if she did, it would tell her something about them, but that didn’t change the fact that they might still end up as friends with benefits or whatever weird situation of semi-denial Clarke might want to be in this time. Lexa listened to Clarke’s breathing next to her. But maybe things had changed now; maybe Clarke meant it this time. Did she dare hope that they might be something more, and that Clarke might want that with her? She licked her lips; she was parched. Spying a bottle of water on Clarke’s desk, she got up and walked over to it. Maybe she needed to let her guard down, and trust that Clarke had figured out what she wanted. For her part, Lexa knew that she was back to the beginning; her feelings for Clarke had never gone away, but she knew that she would only act on them if Clarke was serious about her own and if she would consider something honest and open this time; Lexa was done with the pretenses. She gulped down some water, her eyes falling to the pile of documents on Clarke’s desk; the moonlight shone through the window, giving the room enough light to read by. Without meaning to, she read the subject line of the email: _Your acceptance into Kala’s Summer Retreat._ Clarke had gotten into Kala? Why hadn’t she mentioned it? Lexa knew how important this was to Clarke. She skimmed the rest of the top email, which was a response from Clarke from this morning. _So excited for this news: I accept! Absolutely, a four month commitment is not a problem for me; I can’t wait to spend the summer painting with all you lovely folks! There’s nothing else I would rather be doing; Hell and its friends couldn’t keep me away!_

Lexa frowned; this made no sense; what Clarke said to her just now, about how she was going to come see her in Africa, completely contradicted her Kala plans, which she had already accepted. Lexa suddenly felt sick to her stomach; she looked back at Clarke, deep in sleep. Clarke hadn’t been serious; of course she hadn’t. It was a stupid plan, and they had gotten carried away in the moment - Lexa more than Clarke - with the possibility of not seeing each other again for so long. She felt like such a fucking idiot; it was too much to ask Clarke to do, to come see her halfway across the world, and Clarke was probably trying to let her down easy right now. Lexa could picture it; in a week or two, Clarke would send her a gently worded email about how the plans to visit weren’t making sense, how it was probably best if they waited until Lexa was back for Christmas, and maybe they could visit each other again. She wrapped her hands around herself; what had she done? Her heart ached like she had wounded it again. This had all been such a huge mistake; it should never have happened. They were better off as friends, and Clarke seemed to have known that fact much earlier than her. As she felt the wave of hurt rise up inside of her, Lexa knew she couldn’t break down now; she needed to keep it together, at least until her flight. But she couldn’t stay here, either; she had to get back to functioning again. She felt it standing up then, the wall that shut feelings down, the one that had helped her through so much already. Turning, she gathered her clothes and slipped them back on. She wasn’t feeling at all now, and her thoughts were focused on basic survival; _tie your shoelaces, get your jacket, your phone._ She looked for paper to write on; finding none, she used the empty extra space to the right of Clarke’s response on her email to Kala, and scribbled a note, trying to keep her thoughts as neutral as possible. Turning around, she watched Clarke for a few more minutes, until her vision was completely blurred by her tears. Then, when she couldn’t take it anymore, and before she could change her mind and do more harm to herself, Lexa opened the door and walked out, silent as a shadow, leaving no trace of herself in Clarke’s room.

******

Clarke raised her head at the sound of her alarm: 7:15 AM. She rolled over, disoriented. The sun was streaming through her curtainless windows. She looked at the clock again; 7:15? Where was Lexa? Had she missed her flight? She threw her clothes on and ran to the bathroom, searching for her. A few of her classmates shuffled around, equally at-sea; last night seemed to have been rough. “Has anyone seen Lexa?” They shrugged and shook their heads. Clarke's heart was hammering in her chest; what had happened? She couldn’t shake this feeling that something was very, very wrong. She went back to her room, looking for her cellphone; she found it flung under the bed. Cursing as she reached for it, she finally pulled it out. Of course, it was dead. The piece of shit. She strode over to the desk to charge it; she wanted to cry; her bottom lip wobbled. _Where the fuck was Lexa?_ She needed to see her, to tell her she was in love with her. In that moment, nothing else mattered. As she stood by her phone, praying for it to come on, she noticed some of the papers had been shuffled around. Frowning she picked one up; the thread from the acceptance she had sent to Kala yesterday morning, before she’d asked to reduce her time there. She recognized Lexa’s handwriting on it. Her eyes widened as she read the note:

_Clarke,_

_Thank you so much for giving yourself to me so generously last night; it was what I needed, I think, to get that closure to move on, finally; and I suspect it might have been the same for you. I will always remember this time in our lives with nothing but fondness; for a brief moment in the greater scheme of things, I had crossed over into the alternate universe where we were more than friends, but like in physics, jumping realities is an anomaly in the structure of things. I see it finally; you saw it so much sooner, like you usually do with everything. I think we both know that we were a mistake; maybe we were the most beautiful one of them all. I’ll always carry that thought with me. Cherish today, and please give my love to the others. You’re still welcome to visit me in Africa, but if I’m being honest, it’s probably better if we don’t see each other right away; I’m going to need some time to forget about last night, and about that you, so I can be the friend to you that you asked for from the beginning. Self-preservation, you see. I’ll write when I can, when I’m ready to. And, enjoy Kala; it really is the chance of a lifetime. There you go making your dreams come true; I’m always proud of you._

_Be well,  
_ _Lexa xx_  
  


Clarke could barely read the last couple of lines through her tears. She was sobbing uncontrollably, now. How could Lexa have done that to her? After all this time, when she thought they’d finally made it to the finish line, Lexa had broken away and run off course, leaving Clarke completely adrift and alone. She stumbled to the edge of her bed, sinking down on it, holding her head in the hands as she let the tears fall freely, as she felt the pieces of her heart breaking inside her chest one by one.

******

Lexa watched the city fall away beneath her, as the plane rose up higher and higher. She could see the slanted morning sun light up parts of it in its golden shine; in the distance, she recognized the spires of the old clock tower in the quad; Clarke’s dorm was to the left. She would probably be up by now, and would have read the note. Resting her forehead against the window, Lexa closed her eyes as the realization sank into her, settling into her stomach with a finality that she knew would always be there: _she had just made the worst mistake of her life._


	62. Get it wrong, get it right

“How could you? How could you just up and walk away from me like that?” Clarke raised a hand to her heart; just the memory of that night still took her breath away with how much it hurt. She fought to keep her voice steady.

Lexa’s look was pained. “Because I couldn't wait around for your indecision to cut me open again.”

“So you did it to me instead. Did it feel good, Lexa?” She stood up, pacing now. “Were we even after that? Did you feel like you’d won because we were both hurting like that, instead of just you?” 

Lexa left the couch, too, her fists clenched by her side. “Of course not. Don’t be ridiculous, Clarke. I thought I was doing the right thing by walking away.” She looked away. “You have no idea how gutted I was.”

“ _You_ were gutted? Fuck you, Lexa.” Clarke was yelling now, and she didn’t care anymore. This festering cesspit of a wound inside her needed letting out so badly. “I could barely function that summer. You just assumed I didn’t care, didn’t you? That I was just being selfish. Do you know how shitty that felt? To know that you thought so little of me?”

Lexa’s chest puffed out. “What the hell was I supposed to do? You’d been jerking me around for fucking _months_. And you lied to me; you told me you were going to come see me, when you had no intention of doing that. You were going to Kala. And you didn’t even think to tell me. You lied to my face, and led me on, again.”

Clarke ran a hand through her hair. “For someone so smart, you can be so fucking _stupid_ , Lexa. I didn’t lie to you; I was going to switch up my schedule; I was going to tell you before you left. But you never gave me the chance.” She stopped, shaking as the tears overcame her.

Lexa watched her, her heart breaking again with each of Clarke’s sobs. She took a deep breath, steadying herself. When she spoke, her voice was calmer. “For what it’s worth, I knew it was the worst mistake of my life the minute I got on the plane.” 

Clarke waited for her tears to subside; finally, she sniffed, composing herself. “And what did you do with that regret? Just use it to hide away like a fucking coward?”

Lexa felt her anger rising up again. “You’re getting ugly. Stop it. I didn’t stop thinking about how I could fix it from the moment I got to Africa. _You_ were all I thought about from the minute I woke up until the second I fell asleep.”

Clarke pressed her fingers into her eyes, trying to stop fresh tears. “So why didn’t you at least try, Lexa?”

Lexa looked at her, confusion written across her face. “What do you mean?”

Clarke looked at her with despair. “Why didn’t you make an effort to reach out when my dad got sick, or at least when he died? That would have meant so much; I needed you so much, then. I would have given anything for one word from you.”

Lexa’s jaw clenched. Slow tears were rolling down her face. “Because I didn’t think you wanted to hear from me anymore.”

Clarke threw her hands up. “What made you think that? From the moment you left, all I wanted, all I waited for, was one sign from you that things were going to be okay. And you never did it; you never even tried to fix it, to fix us. Why didn’t you reach out once you got to Africa, like you said you would?”

Lexa’s expression changed, then. Frowning deeply, she rubbed her temples. “What are you talking about, Clarke? I tried from the minute I got there. I didn’t have Internet access, but I tried in other ways. You _know_ that.”

It was Clarke’s turn to look nonplussed. “What? I don’t understand. What other ways?”

Lexa swallowed. Had Clarke really forgotten so easily? “The letters, Clarke. The letters I wrote you.” 

Clarke felt like she was at a fire station, the alarm bells in her head were jangling so loudly. “ _What_ letters, Lexa? I never got anything from you.”

Lexa’s head was spinning. _What the fuck?_ “Clarke, I wrote to you. Every few months, for two years. When I did the supply runs into town, I sent you a letter. But you never wrote back.”

Clarke’s mouth fell open. “I never got them, Lexa. Maybe you had the wrong address? Raven and I found this place after my first semester in med school.”

Lexa shook her head. “No, that’s not possible. I sent them to your parents’; I figured that was your permanent address.” Lexa saw it click on Clarke’s face the second she realized the same thing. “You never got them.”

Clarke felt physically sick. “No, I never got them.” She felt like she was being sucked into a vacuum; she couldn’t breathe. Then, it all fell into place; the text from her mother earlier suddenly made sense. She wouldn’t, would she? She wouldn’t have done that to Clarke.

Lexa’s voice was quiet, but Clarke could hear the resignation in it. “Abby.”

Clarke nodded. She couldn’t speak; she was going to have a panic attack if she did. She didn’t know what to think anymore. If it was true, she needed to find out from the source; she couldn’t take much more of this. In a daze, she walked to the front door, slipping her shoes on. She grabbed her purse and the keys from the bowl at the entrance. There had to be an explanation for all this, right? She barely registered Lexa calling her name as she got into the car, and put it in drive, heading straight for her mother’s house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, folx, the long promised double update, like some of you have been asking for. It's getting heavy, I know, but we need to let it out; catharsis is the strongest and most bitter medicine. 
> 
> I'm reading and cherishing all of your comments; I'll respond tomorrow, I promise, which is when the next update will be; it's my birthday today.
> 
> Rest up; breathe. This hurts to write, so it must hurt to read. Remember, Clexa is endgame. :) Be well, I'll see you all tomorrow.


	63. Hey now, letters burning by my bed for you

Clarke sped down the highway, eyes focused, fingers gripping the wheel so tightly it was probably leaving marks on her hands. Her mind was nothing but her fight with Lexa on repeat. She pictured Lexa’s face at the exact moment they had both realized that their mutual fuck ups were suddenly about more than them. She passed a road sign, displaying the speed limit; she glanced down at the speedometer; she was well above it, and she made no attempt to take her foot off the pedal. The highway was almost empty, and she highly doubted the police were about to give chase; they had more important things to worry about, like the fate of the entire model of policing. And she didn’t give a shit about anything other than getting to her mother’s; it usually took her a little more than an hour, but she was probably going to make it there in about forty-five minutes, at the rate she was going. She thought of Lexa; she shouldn't have left so suddenly, but she hoped Lexa would get it. She would call her in a bit, once she had something more to say to her; they had ripped each other open right now, and she needed some distance. She took in a deep breath; when she let it out, she realized she felt a new feeling in her chest; it felt a little like...relief? It was out, finally, whatever had happened between them. Clarke bit her lip; there was so much in that she needed to think about still; after that, she had no idea where they stood right now. Did Lexa want to be with her still? Did she, with Lexa? Would they make it through this storm? But, in spite of it all, she knew one thing, and that gave her some respite; Lexa had tried; by her own description, she really had. And that was something, at least.

Turning into their driveway, Clarke parked behind Abby’s convertible. She sat at the wheel, steeling herself, trying to think of what to say. _Fuck it._ How could you prepare for something like this? She got out of the car, slamming the door shut, hard. She bounded up the front steps, and pressed the doorbell. She heard footsteps; the door swung open. 

“Clarke, hi! Were we...were we expecting you?” Marcus’ face was surprised. 

Clarke tried not to scowl at him; it wasn’t his fault he constantly seemed to put his foot in it. Her dad would never have said that, even to a stranger. “Hi Marcus. No, but I need to speak to my mother. Is she in?”

He nodded, standing aside to make way for her to enter. As she did, he shut the door quickly, and moved away. “Yeah, of course, I’ll go get her. And, can I get you a drink?”

She nodded. “No thank you, Marcus. Just my mother, please.” She paused, not being able to keep her irritation at bay any longer. “Don’t worry, I won’t come any closer. I’ll just wait in here.” She headed to the living room, sitting on the couch.

Marcus looked a little embarrassed. “Of course, I didn’t mean to…”

Clarke waved a hand at him half-heartedly as he retreated. He was inconsequential; it was her mother she was here for. She heard voices in the kitchen as she heard the screen door to the garden open and shut; her mother must have been gardening; it had become her main activity in the pandemic.

A few seconds later, Abby hurried in, a surprised smile on her face. “Clarke, darling, hi!” She stopped, catching Clarke’s expression. “Is everything alright? You seem upset.”

Clarke stopped herself from rolling her eyes; that was the understatement of life. She studied Abby’s face; she hadn’t seen her since before her cruise, since before the lockdown. She looked well, but tired. Her face was tighter, her cheeks more gaunt, her eyes slightly red. They’d never regained their sparkle after her dad’s death. She cleared her throat. “Mom, I’m here to ask you something, and I need you to be honest with me.”

Abby nodded; something flashed in her eyes. Was it apprehension? “Of course, Clarke. What’s going on?” She tried and failed to keep an edge out of her voice.

Clarke looked at her carefully, fighting to stop her voice from trembling. “I had a fight with Lexa. We were talking about college. She said that she wrote to me, from Africa. That she sent me letters...to you, because she didn’t know my new address.” She watched Abby’s face drain of colour; she didn’t even need to ask the question, but she needed to hear it. “Is that true, Mom?”

Abby could have been carved from stone; then, she nodded slowly. “Yes. Lexa did write.”

Clarke closed her eyes, the words ringing in her ears. All this time, all these years, she had tried to convince herself of Lexa’s callousness, and of how cruel she had been. And it wasn’t true; that wasn’t her Lexa; somehow she had known that in her heart all along. “ _Why_ , Mom? Why didn’t you give them to me?” She paused, her voice barely above a whisper, distraught. “How could you?”

Abby sank down onto the couch, holding her hands in her lap. “Because you were so upset after college, I was worried what opening up those wounds would do to you. And they started arriving when your dad got sick and you were starting med school. You….we had enough going on, Clarke.”

Clarke took in a shaky breath, trying to make sense of Abby’s words. “Okay, but what about later? Lexa said she wrote to me every few months….for two years _. For two years_ , Mom. Why didn’t you give them to me when they kept coming?” She was trembling from the effort it was taking to speak.

Abby sighed, shaking her head. “You just stopped mentioning her after a while, Clarke. I thought you had moved on, and I didn’t want to remind you of the past. You were doing well, and when you told me about Niylah, I thought it was over with Lexa. I thought you’d forgotten, like….”

“....Like you with Monica. Fucking hell, Mom.” Clarke burst out, and Abby looked startled. “Lexa wasn’t some forced denial crush to me.” Her eyes welled up. “She was…. _everything_.” She wiped her tears away, angrily. “And Niylah, she was just a rebound.” Clarke shook her head; Niylah had been kind, and so into her, it just felt good…..until it didn’t, because she wasn’t Lexa. “You had no right to decide what or who I should have remembered, or not." Hot, angry tears kept flowing down her face, slowly. “You had no _fucking_ right.”

Abby sighed, running a hand over her face, tiredly. “You’re right.” Her head drooped over her shoulders; she looked down at her lap, lost in thought. When she looked up, her eyes were glistening, too. “It’s just….I was losing the love of my life, in pieces, right before me….”

Clarke’s voice was harsh. “And so you thought it was okay to let me lose ten years with mine. I imagine you know what it feels like, now.”

Abby jerked, like Clarke had physically slapped her. She swallowed hard before speaking. “I’m so, so sorry, darling. I didn’t know….”

Clarke saw the remorse in her eyes, finally. And she realized it made no difference to her anymore. “I don’t think I can forgive you for this.” She stood up to leave. “And if I lose Lexa a second time because of it….” She couldn’t finish the sentence; the thought alone was devastating.

Abby’s head shot up. “Let _me_ talk to her. I’ll make it right.”

Clarke shook her head. “You’ve done enough, Mom. I need you to stay the hell out of my life from now on.”

She walked to the door; Abby called out after her. “Clarke! You don’t mean that; I’m your mother!”

She paused at the door looking at Abby, unmoved by her agitation. “See, that’s what I don’t get. What kind of mother would break her own daughter’s heart?” The last thing she saw, before she shut the door and walked out was Abby’s face crumpling, as tears began to wrack her body. She walked to the Jeep and climbed into the driver’s seat, sitting with her forehead on the steering wheel for a few minutes, trying to figure out what to do next. She was startled by a knock on her window. It was Marcus, waving something at her. She put down the window. “Clarke, are you alright? I can drive you home if you want.”

Clarke wiped her eyes. She was grateful he wasn’t pretending to gloss over what was going on. “No, thank you, Marcus. I’ll be okay; the drive will actually help, I think.” She looked down at his hand. “What’s that?”

It was a large manilla envelope. He held it out to her. “Your mom wanted me to give you these letters. And she says she loves you.” Marcus turned to leave as Clarke took it from him, her hands shaking. “You know, Clarke, she really, really does.”

Clarke nodded. She couldn’t respond to that right now. “Thanks, Marcus.” 

She set the envelope down gingerly in the passenger seat, as if it was fragile. In a way it was; the fate of her heart was in there. Turning to the wheel, she pulled out, thinking of where she could go to read them, uninterrupted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friends, thank you SO much for the lovely birthday wishes, and for all your questions and encouragement. I had a great day (in spite of everything that's going on), and your comments made it even better. 
> 
> Onward we go, and off I go to respond to everyone. :)
> 
> P.S. I switched the chapter title; it was more fitting, and would have kept irking me, otherwise.


	64. Ever since I left my mother, it's much harder to know, how to make my own life here, how to make my own home

Lexa watched Clarke drive away, tires screeching slightly as she turned the bend out of the driveway and on to the road, her own sense of shock dulling the fact that Clarke had taken off without a word to her. She knew Clarke was headed to Abby’s; the sudden morphing from despair to determination on her face told Lexa she was on the hunt for answers; Lexa hoped Clarke would find them. She shook her head in disbelief as she went back inside. She tried to picture the last time she had seen Abby, at Clarke’s senior art exhibition. She had been kind, excited and affectionate; Lexa knew she was fond of her. Until this, she had always envied Clarke’s closeness to both her parents, and then to Abby alone, a little bit. But this, this was mystifying. She sat on the couch, sighing, running her hands through her hair, massaging her scalp gently. All these years Clarke had thought she didn’t care, and hadn’t tried to reach out. The thought hurt so damn much; if only Clarke knew how hard it had been to keep away; she had nearly quit the Peace Corps a few times when she had gone months without a response from Clarke. Only Anya’s patient but blunt advice had stopped her from doing that. (“Lexa, the girl hasn’t responded in nearly a year; what makes you think she’s going to knock you to the ground and rain you with kisses if your bedraggled ass shows up at her door now?” or “Lexa, for fuck’s sake; no girl is worth this much heartache; it’s time to start healing, so you can be loved...by someone else”). 

In hindsight, she wondered what would have happened if she _had_ shown up at Clarke’s door with her heart in her hands and a thousand _sorries_ on her lips; maybe Clarke would have forgiven her then. But this was all pointless to think about; the bigger question was whether Clarke would forgive her now. Lexa sighed as she thought back to the morning of graduation; after waiting for months for Clarke to come to terms with her feelings, she couldn’t believe she had walked out before what could have been the literal moment of truth. Of course, the timing was beautiful in how wrong it had been. What would Clarke have said to her, then, apart from telling her about Kala? She would probably never know. She shook her head; would they make it through this? Would Clarke want to be with her still? Would she, with Clarke, knowing now how much she had hurt Clarke the last time? Standing up, she went to the kitchen; she was literally stranded at home, without a car. This fucking pandemic just had them all as prisoners of themselves. She leaned on the counter; she didn’t know what to do anymore; she needed to talk to someone; someone who would help her out of the quagmire inside herself, so she could stop choking on her thoughts and find some clarity. She bit her lip in thought; should she? Pouring herself a glass of water, she took it to the living room, and pressed the call button on her phone. The FaceTime notification flashed on screen. 

“Hello? Lexa?” Indra’s sweaty face filled her phone screen. She waved happily, once she saw Lexa. “Well, this is a nice surprise.” 

Lexa grinned in spite of herself. From the motion, it looked like Indra was on her Peloton, working up quite a sweat. Indra had been texting her about her workout regime recently; the pandemic hadn’t stopped her from training for her annual charity bike ride, even if this year’s was going to be virtual and alone. She wiped the sweat off herself with a towel. “Hold on a second, let me just get off this.”

“Is this a bad time?” Lexa really hoped Indra wouldn’t say it was. 

“Not at all, I was finished, actually.” Sipping on some water, Indra walked out to their pool. “How are you doing, my dear? Did you enjoy the rest of your birthday?” 

Seeing her on screen, stoic and calm as ever, her eyes shining with affection, Lexa felt something inside of her give. Before she knew it, there were tears streaming down her face, as her breath heaved in soft sobs. She couldn’t help herself; she wished more than anything that she could reach into the screen and wrap herself in Indra's embrace. Indra’s expression had changed to one of concern; her eyes were full of empathy. “Oh, Lexa. It’s okay. It’s okay.” She waited until Lexa had calmed herself down, wiping her face with her sleeves. Then she asked gently, “What’s going on?”

Lexa felt it all tumble out at once; the rollercoaster of the last two months, her feelings for Clarke, of everything she had held inside, the guilt, so much guilt, and the above it all, the fear of losing Clarke all over again. “I don’t know what to do. I’m really at the end of the road this time.”

Indra’s expression was dark. She was quiet for a few minutes. When she spoke, her voice was serious. “Abby shouldn’t have done that. Meddling, no matter how well intentioned, never leads to anything good.” 

Lexa nodded. “What if it’s too late? What if Clarke is too hurt by all of this for it to make a difference? I should never have left her. I am such an idiot.”

Indra shook her head. “Lexa, sweetheart, this is not all on you. Clarke could have told you sooner; she could have reached out to you, too. And you really did try, a lot more than most others would have.” 

Lexa thought about that for a moment. She was right; why hadn’t Clarke reached out to her? “Huh. Yeah, I guess I did. But look at me; every time I try to fix things, I make them worse. With Clarke, with Costia, it always ends up hurting everyone. Even if it took Abby’s interference to make it worse.”

Indra nodded. “I hate to say this, but karma is a harsh teacher, Lexa; Abby will find that out, if she hasn’t already.” She sighed. “As for Costia, I thought you said she had sent you a message? That’s good news, right?”

Lexa nodded. “Yeah, yeah, it’s something. I’ll take it.”

Indra’s voice was gentle. “Lexa, my love, look at this from a different perspective for a moment. A little over a month ago, you thought you would never hear from Costia again. And yet here we are.” She smiled. “So what makes you think things with Clarke are unfixable? It sounds to me that a lot of the things you said to each other today needed to be spoken, and heard, by you both. So, things can only get better from here, right?”

Lexa looked uncertain. “What if better means breaking up? What if we’re better off apart?” The thought alone was completely devastating; her bottom lip trembled.

Indra shook her head. “You have to trust things, Lexa. You know the ways of the universe better than me. But do you really think it was a coincidence that you ended up alone with each other, after all these years, locked down together in a pandemic, if you were just meant to break up and walk away from each other again?”

Lexa paused. When put like that, it did feel like fate. A small seedling of hope sprouted in her heart. “You really think we’ll be okay?” 

Indra’s eyes sparkled. “I can’t answer that for you, sweetheart. But I can tell you this: what starts in chaos, ends in chaos.”

Lexa looked at her, perplexed. “What does that mean?

“Well, if you want peace with Clarke, and with each other, then you have to find it inside yourself first.”

It hit Lexa like a thunderclap; she knew what she had to do. Indra was absolutely right. “Okay. Okay, you’re right.” She smiled, for what felt like the first time all day. “Thank you. Thank you for listening to me. I don’t know what I would do without you. I know I don’t say this enough, but I really am so lucky to have you in my life. And Uncle Gustus.”

Indra smiled. “We know, Lexa. And we feel the same. Maybe once we’re allowed to form our family bubbles or whatever they are called, you can come down here for a few days.”

Lexa nodded; she missed them so much. “I’d like that, yeah.” She paused. “I should probably let you go, huh?”

Indra looked at the time. “Only if we’re done talking. Gustus can make his own dinner, otherwise.”

Lexa laughed. “I wouldn’t want to deny him your cooking. I feel better, I do. I’ll let you know how it goes.”

Indra nodded. “Yes. And don’t worry so much. Things fall as they do, Lexa. You just do your best. Love you, sweetheart.”

Lexa waved back, smiling as she clicked off the call. She took in a deep breath, then pulled up her email and wrote up and sent a quick message.

She looked at the time; she hadn’t heard from Clarke. She was torn between giving her space, and worrying about her. Finally, she sent her a short text: _Hi, just tell me you’re okay._

Clarke’s response came back a few minutes later: _I’m okay. Don’t worry. Need some space._

Tapping her phone in her hand, Lexa sank back on the couch. Did she really have to be so literal? But, like Indra had said, she decided to trust the universe; for now, there was nothing to do but wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone reminded of that line in Season 2, when Indra says to Abby, "You have not seen my vengeance"? :D


	65. If you could see me now, well then I’m almost finally out of words

Clarke flopped down on the grass, catching her breath and untwisting the bottle of water open. She’d made it up to the overlook in record time. Gulping down a few sips, she surveyed her favourite view; it was the same as always; unique, breath-taking and awe-inspiring, but today, she was too distracted to notice. She turned to the manilla envelope and rested it in her lap, studying it silently for a few moments, running her hands over it almost reverentially. It was smooth but slightly crinkled at the edges, as if it had been tossed away at the bottom of a box or squeezed between books that were too small for it. She wondered where her mother had hidden it away all these years; had it been in plain sight, where she could have spotted it with a mere turn of her head on the bookshelf in the study? Or maybe it had been tucked away in between her grandma’s recipe books in the kitchen, between the painstakingly handwritten notes on pies and cakes, the journey between savoury and sweet bridged by this permeating taste of bitterness. She sighed; for whatever it was worth, she had them now, these missing pieces of Lexa and her. She filled her lungs up with fresh air and, exhaling slowly, opened the envelope. There was no turning back now; what was in there would either bring them closer or tear them apart forever. She tipped the contents out on the grass. Five envelopes fell out; they were smaller in size than the ones she was used to. They were stamped with multiple ink blobs, each conveying some secret code that only postal workers could decipher; the stamps commemorated faces she didn’t recognize, and showcased animals, birds and plants she had never even heard of before. They were unopened; for some reason, that filled her with a quiet relief. Whatever Lexa had to say to her would remain between just the two of them; no one could take that away. She opened each one, holding it against the light before ripping one side to avoid tearing the actual letter itself. Once she had them all out, she arranged them according to the date at the top, then sat back, and ignoring the knot in her stomach, picked up the first one and began reading. 

_September 29, 2010_

_Hi Clarke,_  
  
_I’ve got some nerve, I know. I wanted to start this letter with something silly, something light to distract myself from what I should really be saying, but then I realized that this is you I am writing to. So, it’s best just to dive into it, right? So here goes._

_I’m sorry. I’m so_ fucking _sorry, Clarke. For not waking you, for walking away without saying goodbye, for not waiting to hear what you had to say, for hurting you some and unnecessarily, probably, and for that, my punishment is that I’ve gone and hurt myself even more. I know you’re probably mad, and you’re absolutely right to be; I’m not sure what I would have done if you had left me like that; actually, I do know. I would have asked myself what I’d done to push you away, and then told myself that some part of me deserved it, because what we had was too good. Losing perfection, like you called it once; I get it now. But you’re you, so you’ve probably brushed it off, painted it out in Kala, and gotten over it like only you could._

Clarke paused and looked up, trying to get a handle on the emotions being kicked up inside of her; Lexa had been right about this: she had been so fucking angry at first, it had been hard to feel anything else. But Lexa was wrong about everything else: the only other thought in her mind once it pushed past the rage was what she could have done to get Lexa to stay, and how she had fucked up. It had been on repeat all summer, and for years after that, gradually fading away like an echo on an old vinyl. What had she done wrong? And maybe it had been something she had deserved. It had taken more than a few drunken and stoned conversations over the summer with her Kala roommates to convince her that it hadn’t all been her. But they hadn’t been there when it happened, and they stood by her as dutiful one-sided friends; gradually, she had managed to shove the guilt to the back of her heart, and somewhere between the third and fourth month of Kala, had gradually begun telling herself, with some encouragement from them, that it was Lexa’s fault, and her own indecision, or her decision too-late, wasn’t the reason for any of it. Clarke sighed; it had felt like complete bullshit then, a lie she had concocted to learn to survive, and until now it was a hollow bubble taking up space. She felt something inside of her shift; it was subtle, but there was a little more room in the walls of her chest now; she looked down and continued reading.

_I’ve settled in okay, as best I can given everything. My team is awesome; it’s amazing to be surrounded by such motivated people who want to make a difference. They’ve paired me up with Anya - who’s been here a year already - to show me the ropes; she’s a little scary, but really quite sweet under that crusty exterior. And she won’t stop making fun of me for everything. I dunno, it’s nice to make a new friend, even though I really, really miss my old ones. Our post is even more remote than I thought; we’re spending half the month in the field designing and working on the water treatment plant, and then every couple of weeks we come back to the village to help out with the school. I want to tell you more, I want to tell you all about it. But first, I want to know that you’re okay, that we’ll be okay. If you don’t, or can’t forgive me right away, that’s okay, too. Can you maybe try to understand that I was scared, and just trying to hold myself together that day? Because you see, Clarke, I knew that night that I was in over my head again with you. Actually that I’d never stopped going under and I didn’t think I could take a rejection again. But, I see now that I should have let you speak, and given you your moment like you asked. Is there a chance you’d want to tell me now? I’ll listen, I promise, and I won’t ever turn away again. By the way, I never took those two months off for those trips; I couldn’t, knowing that we might have done them together. Maybe you’ll want to try again next summer, like a break from med school? And no, I didn’t forget, I’m saving the best for last: how are you, and how is med school? Also, cheap trick, but I’m asking you as many questions as possible, so that maybe you’ll feel like answering one and write me back. :)_

_Please talk to me, Clarke; there’s nothing else I want more in this world than to hear from you._

_Lexa xx_

Clarke put down the letter and rubbed her eyes tiredly; Lexa’s letter would have arrived a little after she’d found out about her dad’s cancer, during the first semester of med school. How _had_ she been? Spiralling, and wishing more than anything that she could talk to Lexa. She knew without a doubt that if she had read Lexa’s letter then, she would have written back, even if it had just been to ream Lexa out. And that would have been enough; she knew Lexa would have taken it all in, quietly, and then probably responded and asked her what the matter _really_ was. And they would have been okay, because they would have both wanted to be okay. She shook her head and moved on to the second letter.

_February 25, 2011_

_Happy New Year, Clarke!_

_What did you do to ring in the year? Did you spend it with Abby and Jake at the cabin? Or was it something wilder? Just like that, it’s been nine months since we graduated, can you believe that? And you’re in your second semester of med school, wow. Time is such a nuts concept, especially if you don’t really have a sense of it anymore every day, like me. Anyway, my new year was low key; I didn’t end up coming home; one of the towers for the water plant ending up collapsing because of the insane amount of rain we’ve been having, which meant we were behind schedule, so Anya and I ended up staying back to redesign it from scratch. It worked out in the end, and we’re back on track. I also realized that the mail service takes longer than I thought; it took a while for Indra and Gustus’ last letter to get here, but I didn’t want to miss a chance to write; I guess your first letter is probably on its way, so we’ll just be talking in a lag. What else? The sky is almost always covered in rain clouds; it’s a different kind of magic to wake up with it descended all around you. The grey is starting to feel a little symbolic, but I’m trying not to read into it. I shouldn’t, right? There are no stars here, Clarke. And that somehow makes me miss you even more. The days are hard, but the nights are worse; there’s nothing to take me away from thinking of you at night. Not that I want to; I just want to know that you’re thinking of me, too._

_Write soon, I’m waiting for my star to come out :)_

_Lex xx_

Clarke looked up and into the distance; her heart hurt. Lexa’s loneliness seeped through the letter and into her even now. She tried to imagine what it must have felt like for Lexa, to feel abandoned by both her and the stars; the thought made her eyes well with tears. She had spent that New Year’s Eve at the lake house with her parents, but it had been watching her dad get sicker, and her mom try her best to keep him. Sometimes she felt like they had forgotten about her, which made her feel guilty. So, she had been lonely too, thinking about Lexa. She looked down at the third letter.

_July 29,2011_

_Clarke,_

_It’s been over a year. It can’t just be the postal service, can it? If you’re still mad, can we at least talk about it? If you’re busy with med school, can you drop me a line, just a simple one, saying you’re too busy to write, but that we’re okay? Or if not that, tell me anything. But while I’m waiting, there’s something I should say. Not exactly how I intended to, but I need you to know that I’m (still) in love with you. Because that’s just it, Clarke, I don’t think I’ve ever not loved you; it took a year and a half in a jungle cut off from you for me to say out loud what I’ve been feeling for nearly four. Why am I telling you this now? Because you’re slipping away, I know you are, and here I am, trying to stop the tides with my bare hands. Maybe this will make a difference? Maybe you’ll write back just to tell me you don’t feel the same? I’ll take it; even that will be better than this silence._

_I miss you, I love you,_

_Lexa_

Clarke closed her eyes, a slow tear running down her cheek; she had always thought she was incapable of an emotion as strong as hate, but right now, she was as close to it as possible when she thought of her mother. Lexa had loved her back; she had always loved her. Here was proof; the words she had been dying to hear were staring back at her on slightly yellowed paper, in Lexa’s neat cursive. “Fuck!” she cursed out loud, throwing the letter to the side, only to hastily grab and put it away. As much as it hurt, it was too precious to lose.

The next one was short.

_December 11, 2011_

_Clarke, come on. Two years. This is crazy; we were best friends; we didn’t go a day without talking. What’s going on? Should I not have told you how I felt? Did it make you feel uncomfortable? Wait a second....shit. You’re with someone….fuck. What a fool I am. Okay, fine, fine. (I had to step away, and here I am after a good cry, but I’m back). I get it, you’ve moved on. But, for old times’ sake, for the sake of our friendship, can you just write me a postcard? I’m begging here, Clarke…._

Niylah, she was with Niylah then. Except she wasn’t, really, because it was Lexa she was with in every way but physically. If Clarke could trade in her talent for art to go back in time, she would have done it in a heartbeat. The tears were flowing freely now, and she didn’t even try to stop them anymore; they actually felt good. The last time she had cried this much was the day Lexa had left, and it felt weirdly circular in a way. There was only one letter left now. Clarke braced herself.

_June 13, 2012_

_Hey Clarke,_

_So here we are; two years later, me at the end of the road, you somewhere in the stars I can’t trace anymore. I feel like I’ve lost my compass, and I’m just wandering blind. It’s taken me a long time (as usual) to accept this, but you’re not coming back, are you? Not now, probably not ever. And I guess I made that decision for us when I walked out two years ago, and you walking away was just an extension to that. So, I’ve decided to let you go, Clarke, for your sake rather than mine (I’d keep you forever, if I could), but I think it’s best if I stop bombarding you with things you’re not interested in (like me, right?) Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I’m moving to Goa; this is the last time you’ll hear from me, unless you tell me you want to. I’ll finally be back on Facebook and email, and I won’t expect it, but a part of me will always hope the next message, the next notification, will be yours. And just so you know, I’ll never stop thinking of, or wanting to be with you. What a mess I made of loving you, all because I had no clue of how to hold you as you grew. So, there’s no way to know what we lost, but I’ll wait; I know we can find it again. It takes as long as it takes._

_I will always love you,_

_Lexa xx_

So this was it; Clarke wiped her eyes. She’d bet anything that’s why Lexa hadn’t wanted to commit to Costia, why she’d been so skittish all those years. Till a couple of days ago, she would have chided herself for being presumptuous and full of herself, but now she knew it was nothing but the simple truth. She shook her head; she could feel it in her body, it vibrated throughout her. Gathering the letters and her things, she started down the trail. She hoped Lexa would still be at home; if she had left, Clarke wouldn’t blame her. This time, though, she would find her; there were things she needed to say, and that Lexa needed to hear. And nothing, or no one, could stop them this time; not even their own selves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was hard to write; props @Zelda_and_fitz for the pep talk. 🙂


	66. Heading home

Lexa sighed, turning the television off and throwing the remote aside in frustration. She watched it bounce off the couch and land on the floor with a sharp crack. She picked it up; the glass sensor at the top fell out dangling by a thin red cable, and she could see the little wires tangled up inside; it looked like a tiny heart, and the piece of broken glass was an eye connected directly to the centre; now neither was in sync with the other. She tried to push the piece back, but when it popped back out, she gave up and set it on the table. She had more important things to worry about; _where the hell was Clarke?_ She hadn’t heard from her since that one text message a couple of hours ago, and it was driving her crazy. Part of her wanted to run out of the house and escape for a little while, but something inside was telling her not to leave; she didn’t know why, except that it was important. She went upstairs to the bathroom, searching through the drawers for a tie; finding one, she put her hair up in a bun on top of her head, studying her face in the mirror for a few minutes. The corners of her mouth were tight, and she could feel the tension resting there; the eyes looking back at her were nervous and worried, but had a deep-seated calmness in them that surprised her. _And, where the fuck was Clarke?_

Her phone buzzed, with a new email notification: _How about now? I’ve got some time if you do._

Lexa chewed her lip thoughtfully, then typed back a quick response: _Sure, let’s do it. Gimme a couple of minutes. :)_ Now was as good a time as any, and this was something that needed to be taken care of.

She grabbed her laptop, and sat down cross-legged on her bed, turning on Zoom and sending out a meeting invite quickly. She waited, and in about a minute, the screen flashed; she held her breath, bracing.

“Hey, Lexa.” Costia’s face came into focus; her smile was warm. Lexa relaxed a little, taking her in for a second, before responding; she couldn’t believe this was happening. “Hi, Costia.” She found herself returning the smile. “Thanks for doing this. How are you?”

Costia nodded; she seemed quieter. “I’m okay. Better now, than I have been recently, but you know, baby steps.” She paused. “How are you doing?”

“I’m okay, too. I, uh…” Lexa swallowed; she needed to just say it. “I’m sorry.” 

Costia raised her eyebrows, like she wasn’t expecting that response. 

Lexa continued. “I’m so sorry, Costia. I didn’t treat you right. No matter what else happened between us, that’s on me. I should have been honest from the beginning.”

Costia ran a hand through her dreads, which hung loosely today, framing her soft face, the gold beads in them matching the glint of her eyes, with their lustre bouncing off the stud on her nose. “I...thanks for that, Lex.” She played with the bangles on her left forearm. “I just wish you’d told me how you felt about Clarke sooner. I would have tried to understand, really, I would have. And it would have changed the nature of our relationship. We might have still gotten together, but, I maybe wouldn’t have given you...all of me.”

Lexa nodded; she got that. “That’s the part I regret the most; I craved being around you, I craved your company, your friendship, your love, because you made me feel so damn good; it was addictive.” She shook her head and sighed. “I was so selfish, Cos, and I don’t think I can make up for that. I didn’t give you anything you deserved back.”

Costia’s voice was gentle. “Well, I wouldn’t say _anything,_ just not _everything._ But that’s okay, I’m beginning to see that. I like to think that what we had was special, too. It was ours.”

Lexa looked up at her, amazed. “Is there no end to your generosity? Yeah, we were special; we were us. I’ll always cherish that.” They were both quiet for a moment, lost in their memories. Lexa spoke first. “That’s why I can’t let you go. I need you in my life. I need your beautiful, wild energy in my life. You’re still my family, Cos.”

Costia nodded. “You’re my family too, Lex. And I want you to be in my life, which is why we need to figure out how we’re going to do that.” She hesitated for a second. “Are you with Clarke now?”

Lexa’s gaze into the camera was firm. “Yes.” She said without hesitation.

“Huh.” Costia’s hair obscured her face for a moment.“Are you happy?” 

Lexa smiled, in spite of herself. “Yes, I am.” It was true; Clarke and she were figuring things out, but when she was with her, the feeling was incomparable. She had waited for it her entire life. Costia’s face was pensive. “What?” Lexa asked; she hoped she hadn’t hurt Costia too badly with her confession.

Costia picked up her phone. “Let me show you something. I found this painted on that wall beside the church in Calangute last week. You know the shitty one that’s been moulding for years?” 

Lexa chuckled, as her phone buzzed with a text from Costia. She waited for the picture to load; she knew that exact spot so well; she'd walked past it hundreds of times. “That old health hazard, yes.” 

The wall looked completely transformed in the picture. It was now bursting with painted butterflies and flowers against a hazy yellow backdrop. Amongst them, in bold script, was a quote that winded across it: _Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, “You owe me.” Look at what happens with a love like that, it lights up the whole sky. - Hafiz._

Lexa looked up and clapped her hands together. “That’s your favourite poet!”

Costia grinned at her. “I know, crazy, right? There’s no way that’s a coincidence. How can I possibly ignore that?” She paused, waving her phone at Lexa. “It was a hard day for me Lexa; there are good ones, and that wasn’t one of them, until I saw the quote. And that’s when it hit me; I was meant to be your sun; I was meant to love you and let you go without expectation.”

Lexa’s eyes were shining with tears. “You put me back together, Cos. You really did.”

Costia’s smile was wry and a little sad. “So you could love Clarke.”

Lexa wiped her eyes, as she spoke up. “Costia….”

Costia waved a hand at the camera. “Lex, it’s okay. You were one of the great loves of my life; of course it hurts, but I’m getting over you.” She wiped her own eyes. “But yeah, my point is, _you_ are the sun to _her_ ; I get that now. It’s just a fact.”

Lexa was silent for a few minutes as she composed herself. “What about you? Are you seeing anyone?”

Costia shook her head. “Single, but not ready to mingle yet. I’m enjoying being with myself, honestly.” She took in a deep breath, raising her hand up in front of her face and slowly bringing it out with her exhale. “Phew. Learning to let go, but also new things about myself.”

“Like what?”

“Well, that I’ll never compromise on certain things again. Like Goa is my home, and I was ready to give it up for you. But I won’t ever do that again. I belong here.”

Lexa’s smile was soft. “It’s true. You _are_ Goa to me. How is it over there?”

Costia shrugged. “Alright, I guess. The bar is probably going to go under, honestly. I don’t know how to sustain it anymore. I have a meeting with the bank next week to talk shop. But, trying to look on the bright side here; we’re all healthy, and people can’t stay away from Goa for long, so the tourist season will pick back up, eventually. I’ll just have to find something else to do, I guess.”

Lexa’s brow furrowed; she knew how much Costia cared about the bar, she’d put years of her life into it. “I’m sorry; that really sucks.”

Costia tried to brush it off. “Hey, I still live in paradise.”

Lexa felt a wave of nostalgia rise up inside her. “I miss Goa; I miss you.”

“Come visit when you can. We will always be here for you.” Costia raised an eyebrow; her face seemed lighter. “But, on one condition.”

“What’s that?”

“You don’t come alone.” She tilted her head to one side, eyeing Lexa with a mischievous smile on her lips.

Lexa’s wide grin couldn’t compare to the warmth in her chest. “Deal.” This was it; this was Costia letting her go, with grace. “Thanks, Cos.” She would love to have Clarke meet Costia properly someday.

“Nothing to thank me for, Lex. I want you to be happy.”

Lexa nodded, her eyes serious. “Me too. I want that too, for you.”

Costia winked at her. “Getting there.” She looked down at her phone. “I should go, Lex. I’m visiting Mum and Dad today. But this was...amazing. Let’s talk soon?”

Lexa waved at her. “You bet. I’ll bug you for a time soon. Take care, Cos. And thank you.”

Costia blew her a kiss. “Love you, my friend.”

“Love you, too, Cos.” Lexa put the lid of her computer down and leaned back in bed. So this is what Indra had meant. She raised a hand to her heart; she felt free and fresh, and calm.

She picked up her phone and opened up her email; she’d thought of something. As she began typing, she heard the front door open. Flinging her phone aside, her heart hammering in her chest, she raced downstairs. _Clarke._

Lexa was at the foot of stairs as Clarke shut the door and turned to her. She had a large envelope in her hand. As their gazes locked, Clarke let her purse slide to the floor beside her. Lexa felt the intensity in her eyes hit her like a tidal wave, but she held steady. “Hi.”

Clarke stood there, looking at her in wonder, as if she was seeing her for the first time. “Hi.”

Lexa rooted her feet onto the floor. Whatever it was, she was ready for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lexa needed closure, too. Remember what Indra said. 
> 
> Or, come yell at me in the comments if you need to let it out. 🙃


	67. Balance me out

Later, when she tried to take herself back to the moment when it all turned, this was the one that was etched in her mind, clear as a photograph. Clarke would remember it as if she was everywhere in it at once, floating, feeling, thinking through it all, detached and decisive at the same time. 

  
“You’re still here.” Clarke untangled herself from her shoes, without breaking eye contact with Lexa. “You didn’t leave.”

Lexa shrugged, a slight smile on her lips, putting her hands in the back pockets of her jeans. “Thought I would try things a little differently this time.” Her eyes fell to Clarke’s hand. “What’s that?”

“The letters. She had them the whole time.” Clarke clenched her jaw, feeling fresh anger rising up inside her chest.

Lexa’s face was pale and frozen. Only her eyes were blazing. “ _Why?_ ”

Clarke shook her head. “I don’t know what to tell you. She thought I had a lot going on, with med school and my dad’s cancer. She said she wanted to protect me….”

“...From me.” Lexa looked down at the floor, trying to process what she was hearing. “I guess I can’t fault her for that.” She hesitated. “Is it wrong that I’m angry, though?”

Clarke shook her head. “Fuck, no, Lexa; I don’t know how you can’t be.” She could feel the heat radiating off her cheeks. “I don’t think I can ever forgive her for this.” Lexa looked away, her frown belying her confusion.

Clarke cleared her throat. “I read them.” She held the envelope up for a second, then let her hand drop back down; her smile was laced with remorse. “Eight years too late, but I read them all.”

Lexa looked up sharply, a whole different kind of conflict in her eyes. “And? Is it too late?”

Clarke shook her head; she couldn’t speak right away. The rush of emotions was too strong, too heady. When she felt her cheeks become wet, she opened her mouth. “How could you? How could you love me _this_ much?” She wiped the tears away. “Do you think….can you still?”

It was Lexa’s turn to choke up; she sighed as she spoke. “Always have, always will.” Her smile was almost resigned. “I tried so hard not to, for so long. And look how that turned out.” 

Clarke set the letters down, and walked a few paces closer to Lexa. They were within touching distance, and she wanted more than anything to feel Lexa around her, but she stopped herself. That was for Lexa to decide to do; she had screwed up enough already. “I sure as hell don’t deserve it, Lexa. I gave up on us because I was so angry with you.” She felt so defeated; how could she have done that to Lexa, to them? In hindsight, it was all so wrong, and it had always felt wrong. “I believed the worst of you.” The tears were flowing slowly now, like remnant raindrops after a thunderstorm.

Lexa reached out to hold Clarke’s shoulders, drawing her in a little closer. She wiped the tears away, raising Clarke’s head with the tips of two fingers under her chin until they were looking at each other again. “We both fucked up, Clarke. I left you in the first place. And I’m so sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me the most. I promise I won’t leave. _Ever again_.” Her eyes searched Clarke’s, the green in them clouding over. “Unless you want me to.”

Clarke shook her head, as she brought her hands to Lexa’s face, touching her tentatively. “You walked away once, but I turned my back on you over and over again; I pushed you away. I don’t know if I can ever make up for that.” She hesitated. “I don’t know if I can ever love you enough to make you forget that.”

Lexa held her hand steady against her face; her smile was raw, yet relieved. “You can love me to perfection; you’re the only one who ever could. I’ve always known that.”

Clarke felt the wall inside shatter; she stepped closer, her breath against Lexa’s lips, needing her strength to prop her up. “I can’t _be_ without you.”

Lexa’s voice was gentle, her eyes soft. “So, don’t.”

Clarke’s sob was muffled as their lips met; closing her eyes, she wrapped her arms around Lexa, clinging on to her as she parted her lips, letting Lexa in. Finally, finally, it didn’t hurt inside anymore. Lexa’s arms held her tightly, and this time, without a shred of doubt or fear, Clarke knew she would never, ever let her go. She broke off their kiss; there was one more thing she needed to say. “I _love_ you, Lexa. I love you so fucking much.” She watched Lexa’s grin burst out through her tears, taking her breath away. “If you need me to tell you that every day for the rest of our lives, I will.” Lexa could only nod silently, as she buried her face in Clarke’s neck; Clarke could feel her shake with silent tears. She stroked Lexa’s hair, leaving soft kisses on her temple, over and over. When she finally raised her head again, Lexa looked deep into Clarke’s eyes, and whispered, “Show me.” 

Clarke leaned in and kissed her, hard enough to take Lexa’s breath away. When they parted, they smiled shyly at each other. “Let’s go upstairs.” Taking Lexa’s hand, Clarke led them into her room. One hand on Lexa’s chest, she walked her back gently until Lexa fell onto the bed, pulling Clarke on top of her. Clarke reached out and connected their lips. It wasn’t like any other time; Clarke pushed her tongue into Lexa’s mouth as Lexa sat up and flipped them over, lying on top of her. She sighed; Lexa’s weight had a finality to it, and she held her even closer. They both moaned when their tongues touched, the slow, electric dance of connection making their hips move together. Lexa gently pushed back off Clarke, making just enough space to take her top off. Clarke sat up still for a second, trying to clear her head; she was knocked clean sideways by her feelings. Lexa’s featherlight kiss on her neck brought her back; in a few seconds, she had taken all her own clothes off, waiting impatiently until Lexa’s jeans were undone and on the floor. Clarke pushed Lexa’s hands away, taking over to strip Lexa of her panties. They were both naked now, and she lunged forward; she needed to feel Lexa everywhere, back on top and in her arms. They lay flush against each other, touching anywhere they could. Lexa licked her jaw, leaving syrup kisses along her neck and chest; Clarke moaned into every one, her fingers travelling across Lexa’s back, committing each movement she didn’t know already to her store of memories; when Lexa bit down on her nipple, Clarke dug her nails in, raking them across Lexa’s back; she wanted to leave her mark. Lexa hissed, then licked her nipple. Clarke arched into her mouth, her hips rising off the bed, jerking up against Lexa’s mound; the movement made them both groan. Lexa made her way lower, trying to hold Clarke’s hips steady, but Clarke pulled her back up; it was too much space, too much distance. Right now, she needed to feel Lexa in her arms. “Later. I want you with me now.” Lexa nodded, framing her face as she looked into Clarke’s eyes, before kissing her; she bit into Clarke’s lower lip, hard. Clarke cried out, her hips canting upwards, as Lexa soothed the spot with another kiss. “You’re mine.” She whispered against her mouth, connecting only their tongues, leading them as she stroked over and over again against Clarke’s, possessively; Clarke moaned, closing her eyes, letting Lexa take control. She was. And Lexa was hers. She felt a gush of wetness at the thought; she was dripping.

Lexa was rubbing herself on Clarke’s thigh, and Clarke could tell she was close, too. She reached down to touch Lexa, her fingers brushing against her slit; Lexa was soaked.”You’re so wet for me. Come here.” She pushed two fingers inside, her hips stuttering as Lexa did the same to her. Curling her fingers, she felt Lexa’s breath hitch, even as she fought to keep up the rhythm of her own hips; Lexa was knuckle-deep inside of her, and she ground hard against her fingers, feeling her muscles clench around them; they’d done this so many times before; why did this feel like the first time she was holding Lexa within herself, and there was no end or beginning to them both? She felt Lexa bury her face in her neck, her teeth grazing against her pulse, her hips fighting to keep up with Clarke’s hand. She was taut above Clarke, peppering her pants with quiet gasps. Clarke moved her lips to Lexa’s ear, nipping at it once, before brushing her lips against it. “Lexa. Lexa, I love you. Come for me.” That did it; Lexa pushed into her fingers once, hard, and cried out, and a split second later, Clarke felt her come pooling in her hand, and then she was spilling into Lexa’s palm, too. There was nothing to hold back now, and Clarke felt herself swept away by the force of every single moment she had kept locked up for so long. She held onto Lexa, feeling their hearts beating together furiously, as she rode out her peak surrounded by Lexa. As they came down from their haze of bliss, Lexa raised her head to look at Clarke. She smiled, as she kissed her gently. “Don’t cry.” Clarke didn’t even realize she had been. “I love you, too, crazy girl.” As Lexa softly touched her lips to every one of her tears, Clarke knew that she’d finally found that perfection she’d been chasing for the last ten years of her life. Here it was again, hers to keep once and for all. 

******

They lay in each other's arms for a while. Clarke listened to Lexa’s breath, content; it was probably one of her favourite sounds in the world. Finally, Lexa propped herself up to look down at Clarke. “How’s it going?” She traced the shape of Clarke’s mouth with her thumb. 

Clarke kissed it. “Oh, you know, fine, I suppose. Just lying here in the arms of the woman of my dreams. No big deal.” 

Lexa grinned at her. “Lucky her. Funny, it’s the same for me. We must be having the same dream.” As she brushed Clarke’s lips with her own, her stomach made a loud noise. “Okay, this is definitely not a dream. I’m starving. Do you realize we haven’t eaten all day?” 

Clarke nodded. “And what a hell of a day it’s been.”

Lexa rolled off her, sitting up. “I’ll get us some mezze.” She turned to walk out, but Clarke pulled her in for a soft, slow kiss. “Come back soon.” Lexa smiled and nodded. True to her word, she was back in five minutes with the remnants of their dinner from the night before. They ate quietly, making eye contact with each other every so often, breaking their bites with soft kisses. Lexa noticed Clarke was slowing down, and her eyelids were beginning to droop. “Tired?”

Clarke nodded; she was exhausted. The toll of the rollercoaster ride of emotions she had been through all day was up for payment. “Yeah, I’m wiped.” She rubbed her eyes, before looking back at Lexa. “But, if you want to keep talking….”

Lexa shook her head as she piled their plates together. “We’ve got time, Clarke.” She smiled reassuringly at her.

Clarke nodded, as she hugged Lexa to her side. “Yeah, we do.” She headed to the bathroom to get ready for bed. By the time Lexa had put the food away and cleaned up, Clarke was out cold, her arms and legs splayed out across the bed. As Lexa slid in next to her, she shifted, sighing as Lexa wrapped her arms around her; Clarke’s head was on Lexa’s chest; Lexa kissed her hair, softly. “I’m here.” Clarke’s soft hum told her she had registered that, somewhere in the depths of her dreams; feeling Clarke relax into her even more only confirmed that.

*******

Clarke waited for the sun, a cup of coffee balanced on the ledge of the deck; her sleep last night had been dreamless, and she had woken up well before sunrise. She had lain in Lexa’s arms for a while, trying to fall back asleep, but she was up now, so she made her way downstairs, trying not to disturb Lexa. She’d had a rough day too, and as she’d said, they had all the time in the world. For now, she would welcome today, which seemed like just another day in her life, except that it was tinged with a little more magic than usual, thanking the universe. Which is how Lexa found her, a few minutes before sunrise, as she came up behind Clarke and slipped her arms around her waist. “Thought I’d find you here. Good morning.” She snuggled into Clarke, kissing her neck; Clarke giggled, feeling little shivers when it wasn’t even cold. She turned around and kissed Lexa, leaning back to look at her. Lexa’s face was slowly lit up by golden rays; Clarke saw them caress her forehead, seep into her skin, and catch the gold in the green eyes she adored. Lexa noticed her staring. “You aren’t looking.”

Clarke shook her head, feeling the tranquility trickle through her, as she leaned closer. “I am. Lexa, you _are_ the sun.” The radiance on Lexa’s face was enough to warm her to the centre of her soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, finally.
> 
> Reshop, kru, we've come a long way. Little announcement from me tomorrow. :)


	68. Interlude II - Shall we keep going?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOT a chapter update....but a note (and I'm asking for your input!)

Hi friends,

So, if this fic was to end, it would have with Chapter 67, last night. Clarke finally opened her heart to Lexa fully, and their love confessions basically told us they were endgame. I hope that was the resolution you were looking for, to see our favourite idiots in love and happy together, totally and completely.

But, I want to keep going, just in a different way. There’s too little literature out there that shows the progression of a happy same-sex relationship, and I kind of want to do that with Clarke and Lexa in this AU. They still have so much to figure out: how will Clarke deal with Abby? How will Lexa? Will Clarke end up in med school again? How is Lexa going to put all her plans for her money into place? Will they ever get married? What will happen to Costia, Raven and Anya? Will this pandemic ever end, and how will they navigate their life after it? These are all things I want to write about, in the context of Clarke and Lexa’s relationship, as two people who are in love and want to do life together. 

These updates won’t be as regular (no more daily chapters, I am taaiiiii-yeeerrd, folx), but maybe a couple of times a month or so? Maybe this story will last another year, maybe ten, maybe I’ll still be dictating it to my robot-nurse at ninety-four because my arthritic fingers can’t type anymore, who knows? That’s life, right? 

**So, I want to know, will you read it?** I’m not splitting it up into parts, because there aren’t really parts to life, so it will just continue here. Let me know in the comments, please. I still plan to read and respond to every comment, just like always. :)

I also want to say thank you to everyone who’s followed along with this story, and for the incredible amount of support, encouragement and enthusiasm I’ve received from all of you. This AO3 fandom is amazing, and I have been so lucky to be welcomed into it with open arms. I’ve mentioned this before on Tumblr, so some of you might know already, but until this story, I hadn’t written in twelve years. As a lonely kid who moved a lot, books and stories were my best friends, and all I did was either read stories, or write them. Then, sometime after undergrad, I stopped writing completely; it was awful, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it, because life. So, when the pandemic happened, I issued a challenge: either prove to myself that I still was a writer, or move on and finally accept that I didn’t have it in me anymore. 101 days later (since the quarantine began in Ontario), here we are. So, Clarke and Lexa helped me find my words again, and all of you, my voice. I don’t think I can ever say thank you enough for that.

Apart from keeping this fic up periodically, I’m working on some original stuff, and already thinking of some Clexa one-shots (so there are those coming, in case you’re not tired of me yet). And, I’m totally open to prompts (they'll keep me on my toes!) If you’d like to chat/ask me anything/prompt me, you know where I live: [ https://anansianansi.tumblr.com/ ](https://anansianansi.tumblr.com/). 

Also, I’m really looking forward to reading some awesome new Clexa fics that have popped up; so many good reads! 

Be well, and until we meet again, crew (soon!)

AnansiAnansi

P.S. For the 20 people who followed the Love Lockdown playlist on Spotify, did you listen to it while reading any of the chapters? Or was it a total failure of an experiment (you can be honest, I can take it. :))

P.P.S. About that t-shirt; THANK YOU! The NAACP deserves all the love it can get! :)

P.P.P.S. Fic recommendations are always welcome!!

_**UPDATE (June 23, 2020): Holy wow, friends, how do you floor me? Let me count the ~~ways~~ comments. Okay, yes, OF COURSE we'll continue. THANK YOU SO MUCH! Looking forward to posting an update soon, you are all AMAZING! :) :)** _


	69. Fidelity

“Have a good weekend, everyone. Try not to go too crazy.” Jaha deadpanned as his face disappeared off the screen. The chorus of overlapping greetings echoing the same sentiment signalled the end of yet another work week in quarantine. Clarke turned her computer off and stood up, stretching. She checked the time; it was a little after two in the afternoon. As much as the workload and pace got to her sometimes, she was glad for the trade offs Jaha had negotiated for his team, like summer hours on Fridays in July and August. And with the damn pandemic still raging on, they felt like small mercies in the most trying of times. For now at least, while she was still percolating everything, and the world always seemed one step away from imploding, she would take the autopilot respite that her job offered. Standing up, she stretched and walked out of her room in search of Lexa.

She didn’t have to look too hard; Clarke found her a few seconds later, napping in her own bed, bare backed, with only a thin sheet covering her lower body, her clothes draped neatly on the desk chair. Clarke leaned to the side, arms crossed, her head resting against the doorframe, her chest swelling a little more every instant she watched Lexa’s back rise and fall in time to her breath. Almost three weeks since that day when they had stumbled through the wreckage of their past, and she still had trouble believing that she had somehow managed to keep Lexa after that. The alternative still pinched like a raw nerve to even begin to fathom, so she pushed the thought away and made her way to the bed. Leaning down, she gently skirted Lexa’s hair to one side, leaving soft kisses across her back. Lexa stirred, a smile spreading across her face, turning over. Even though it still felt like she’d been done a lucky turn, Clarke was determined to keep the promise she had made to herself, and to Lexa.

She watched Lexa’s eyes flutter open, their usual clarity slightly hazed over by a film of sleep, and bending down, kissed her lips gently. “I love you.” 

“Hi.” Lexa said at the same time. Then, as Clarke’s words registered, she grinned shyly, tucking her face into Clarke’s shoulder. “Mmmm. This is the nicest way to wake up.” Her eyes trailed over Clarke. “How long have you been done with work?” 

“I just finished. Why?” Clarke followed Lexa’s raised eyebrow and slight nod to look over at herself. “What, this old thing?” She shrugged, nonchalantly, as Lexa took in another eyeful of her bikini. “It’s just so damn stuffy inside in this heatwave; 2020 will forever go down in history as the year that I took conference calls in basically a bra and panties.” 

Lexa laughed, resting her hands on Clarke’s hips. “Do we even have rules anymore? But yeah, you forgot to mention the lack of air conditioning in this place.” 

Clarke rolled her eyes. “Cheap rent, remember? Besides, the heat probably won’t last that long.”

Lexa nodded. “Oh, I’m not complaining.” Her eyes trailed over Clarke’s breasts appreciatively. “Did you, err, have the camera on? I can’t imagine anyone getting any work done with those stunners on display.” 

Clarke shoved her shoulder playfully. “The camera was off, thank you very much. Though I was tempted to flash Jaha when the meeting went over time.” She laughed, imagining Jaha’s already bulgy eyes practically popping out of his head. Clarke was acutely aware of the effect her body had on people; over the years, she had gotten used to the turned heads, the trailed off sentences mid-conversation when introducing herself to a group, and to the full gamut of looks, from discreet glances to flat out open-mouthed stares. She had learned to turn them into ego boosters or lighthearted jibes, depending on the glancer’s intentions. But Lexa always had an almost-reverential expression on her face when she looked at her body; Clarke waited for the precise moment when she felt it light her up, from within and without, plain and simple. She tucked a few blonde locks behind one ear. “Are you done napping?”

Lexa stretched her arms above her head; it was Clarke’s turn to enjoy the slight rise and fall of Lexa’s pert breasts. “I could be; I’m just feeling so lazy, and from getting up for those super early runs.” She patted the mattress beside her. “Or we could make it a party for two?”

Clarke nodded, and began stripping off her clothes, dropping them by the bed. “I thought you’d never ask. Siestas are so underrated.” She slipped in beside Lexa, snuggling into her. Lexa’s new running regime to beat the heat meant she hadn’t had her usual dose of morning hugs as often as she would have liked. They lay skin to skin in spite of the warm summer breeze blowing in through the window. “Are you sure it isn’t too hot for you?” Lexa shrugged. “Whatever. We’ll just shower, or swim after. This is worth it.”

Clarke hummed into her chest, wrapping an arm around Lexa’s waist. “True. Though let’s not sleep too long, I want to take you on that bike ride today.” 

She felt Lexa nod against her head. “Noted. Mission: Napping solely until cuddle reserves replenished.” 

Clarke poked her lightly in the ribs, which only made Lexa squeal and hold her even tighter. “Dork.” 

Lexa’s voice was drowsy, but she could hear the contented emphasis in her tone. “Correction: _Your_ dork.”

Clarke only planted a kiss over Lexa’s heart in response; it felt so damn good to finally be so unabashedly in love. 

*****

“Hurry up, Lex, we’re almost there; I want you to see it at sunset.” Clarke called over her shoulder, as she stopped pedalling to let Lexa, who was staring around like she was in Wonderland, catch up to her. Clarke didn’t blame her; when they had finally opened the Spit up to the public five years ago, it had quickly become one of her favourite spots to cycle around in. Jutting out into the lake about an hour from home, they were riding on a breakwater, through a maze of wildflowers, willows and weeds, all the while being treated to flocks of seasonal birds competing with each other to outsing and outcry each other. Around them, the conservation park was flanked by clear blue lake water; the place was the city’s best kept secret, and the handful of other hikers and bikers seemed equally content to carry on in their own socially distanced bubbles, letting each other soak in the sheer glory of being outside without trepidation.

“This is incredible. A man made bird sanctuary in the middle of an industrial wasteland?” Lexa rode up beside her, shaking her head in awe. “How come they never mentioned this in college? I would have spent all my time studying here instead of the library.”

“They were still waiting to make sure the land was stable, I think. There’re something like three hundred species of birds here, and a million other types of wildlife.” Clarke was enjoying Lexa’s enthusiasm. “Wait till you see the beach.” She pointed to the lighthouse straight ahead of them. “We’re about five minutes away.” 

They rode the rest of the way in silence, eventually dismounting when the paved road turned to gravel, and left their bicycles flat in the grass, away from view of the path. Unhooking her helmet, Clarke made her way down into a shallow ditch, which she then climbed up again on the other side. Standing on the edge, she looked out into the distance, shielding her eyes with a hand, waiting for Lexa to come up beside her. 

“Holy shit. What _is_ this place?” They were at the very tip of the Spit, and Lexa could only guess this was the beach that Clarke had meant. Instead of sand, every inch of it was covered in pieces of brick, concrete and marble; the few people around walked through shoals of washed up, weatherbeaten granite and mosaic tiles, some bending down to pick up particularly eye catching pieces, strange seashells on redbrick shores. They jumped down onto the beach, and made their way to water; finding a spot of whitewashed limestone and rounded pink and grey marble, Clarke sat down, taking her shoes off to let the cool water lap at her toes. Lexa walked about for a few minutes, pausing to watch the waves ripple the city’s outline reflected in the lake; it was such a bizarre contrast, to be standing on a beach of the same materials that the skyscrapers she saw across the lake grew out of, reflecting themselves on the surface of the water. Once she’d had her fill, she turned around and made her way back to Clarke, flopping down on the weird brick beach next to her. “City of Light and Dust.” Clarke looked at her quizzically. Lexa pointed to the blinding sunlight shimmering in the glass of the towers before them, then to the beach. “Fitting, no? I think that’s going to be my name for this view.” She paused, reaching into her backpack to pull out two apples; tossing one to Clarke, she bit into her own. “So they just dumped demolished buildings here until they had a beach and a park?”

Clarke nodded. “Yeah, apparently it’s been happening for like sixty-something years, and the grassland just kind of grew over it. And before people knew what was happening, the birds started coming, so now it’s a protected wetland. Neat, huh?”

Lexa nodded, staring into the distance. “Yeah, I’ve never seen anything like it. To think it all just sprung from a dead zone, basically. Nature is amazing.” She reached for Clarke’s hand, squeezing it and shifting closer to her. “Thank you for bringing me here. I love it.” Clarke smiled absently, brushing her fingers against Lexa’s cheek. “Me too. And I love being here with you.” Lexa slipped an arm around her shoulders, holding her close for a couple of minutes. Pulling away, she looked into her eyes. “What’s up?” 

Clarke shook her head, looking around her as if searching for something. She found a couple of flat stones, and drawing her arm sideways, skipped them across the water. Lexa waited for her to continue. 

She heard them finally, the words in a tone so soft, she would have mistaken them for wind rustles if she hadn’t caught Clarke’s lips moving. “We lost ten years, Lexa. Ten years. We could have had all this.” Clarke looked at her, searchingly, her eyes shining. “I could have had _you_.”

Lexa sighed; it had been weighing on her, too; the fight, the revelation, the mess they and Abby had made, but mostly, the knowledge of the consequences. And the making up had been honeysweet, but the wounds still felt so raw. “I know. I’ve been thinking about that, too.” She thought of Goa. “But that was life, too. All of it.” 

She saw Clarke wince at her words. “I know. And I know you miss it.” Clarke tossed the uneaten apple back and forth in her hands “But, I feel like I missed out on living that life with you.”

Lexa nodded; she got where Clarke was coming from. “And I wanted you there, for every single minute of it. I would have loved to discover that me with you. And to see you turn into the you I know now.” 

Clarke nodded, biting her lower lip; what was there to do about that now except regret it? Lexa continued. “But we’re here now. And if we do this right, we’ll have so many more years, so much time, so _many_ things to learn and live together.”

Clarke’s eyes were serious. “I want that with you, Lexa. All of it. I want to work on making us work. We can’t ever let things we don’t say to each other get in our way again.”

Lexa nodded. “Agreed. It won’t. We won’t. Look, we’re already doing it; we’re talking about talking. Processing. That ancient women-loving-women activity.” She wanted so much to see Clarke smile right now. When she did, Lexa felt her own face split into a relieved grin. 

Clarke shook her head; as usual, Lexa had read her right. “But what if we still hurt each other? What if I say shitty things and hurt you anyway? We tried so hard _not_ to do that the last time, and look how that turned out. What if we’re too honest with each other?”

Lexa brought Clarke’s hand to her lips, and kissed it gently. “Here’s the thing. You are going to hurt me; and I am going to hurt you. That’s what happens in relationships, whether we want it to or not. But what if we decide right here and now to never let that get in the way again?” 

Clarke looked at her, her eyes wide; the hopeful expression in them tugged at Lexa’s heart. “You think we can do that? Like just decide that will work?”

Lexa raised herself onto her feet, and crouched down in front of Clarke, reaching out for both of her hands. “I do. Clarke, right here and now, I swear fealty to you, and to your heart.” Clarke’s eyes were filling with tears now.

Lexa willed herself to keep both her voice and her gaze steady. “I promise to treat your needs as my own, even when we’re in the trenches of some stupid fight that’s actually about something else and nothing at all, like about how you’ve left your coffee mug dirty for the ten thousandth time when I just miss you because you’re working late again…” A short laugh burst out from Clarke… “Or about how I forgot the wine for the dinner party we both regret signing up to host because we’d rather be cuddling on the couch, or…” Lexa’s words were cut short as Clarke threw her arms around her and kissed her hard, pulling her down onto the cold stone slabs, the heat between their mouths radiating through their messy, fierce kisses. When they finally parted, Clarke’s face was flushed, and her eyes glittered like warm ice. “Lexa, I love you so much, it scares me.” 

Lexa’s eyes blazed with the same fire that was burning her up inside. “Me too. Let’s be scared together. Let’s see where this wild love takes us. Okay?” She sat up, pulling Clarke to her. 

Clarke nodded. “Okay.” They sat with their arms wrapped tightly around each other, each feeling the other’s racing heart beat in time to her own, both thinking the same thought: _all in_ was at once absolutely exhilarating, and totally terrifying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hi friends, it's so good to be back!
> 
> I missed everyone; how have you all been? Still doing okay in the minefield of 2020? There's always so much to say, but for now, let's just leave it with the beginning of the rest of Clexa in this AU. 
> 
> And, the Leslie Spit is gorgeously real. If you're ever in Toronto, go check it out: https://www.blogto.com/city/2016/08/a_love_letter_to_the_leslie_street_spit/. 
> 
> Come talk to me if you feel like it; about this chapter and everything/anything else; I'm here. :)


	70. Note to self

“About a week, he said. They’ve delayed registration for classes by a couple of them anyway.” Clarke stepped around Lexa, dropping a copper handled ladle into the holder on the countertop. “They already have all my grades and reviews on file. My updated resume, that statement of interest I wrote them, and my references were all they needed.” She moved back to the open dishwasher rack, resting her hands on Lexa’s hips for a moment to move past her. It was a momentary touch, but she felt Lexa shift slightly, unconsciously, settling into her hands. Clarke kissed the back of Lexa’s neck before returning to her task.  
  
Lexa hummed, and looked up from the eggs she was frying, her eyes settling on Clarke, watching her. It was in the little moments like these, in between the big ones of declarations and promises and lying awake late at night with arms wrapped around each other thinking of heavier life stuff, that she found the strokes, the shading, the details, that filled in Clarke for her as being here, being with her now, and more than anything, as being hers. It was a vision slowly crystallizing into reality, and one that was day by day, becoming more and more believable. “That’s quick; and did you ever get your residency choices figured out?”  
  
Clarke nodded, wiping the dishes, and stacking them on the counter. “Yeah, there’s a list floating around on my laptop somewhere; it’ll be interesting to go back and see if any of it rings true to what I still want to do. Five-years-ago-me and I might not have much in common anymore.” She began putting the plates away in the cupboard above her.  
  
“And did he say how much more school you needed to do? There wasn’t much left, right?” Lexa flipped the eggs neatly, watching whether the yolks were running. When there wasn’t the telltale yellow flowing out, she nodded, satisfied. Clarke would have her breakfast perfectly double-fried, just as she had requested.  
  
“Yeah, just the one semester of electives and the clerkship hours; I’m going to have to repeat some stuff as a refresher. Apparently everything is online this year, so they can fit one more person into both. And a few people have dropped out already, so they have the space anyway.” Clarke paused, leaning against the counter next to Lexa. “So basically he said that given everything, it’s mine for the taking if I want it.”  
  
Lexa leaned over Clarke, reaching for the salt. Having her this close and not touching was such a waste. Clarke pushed herself forward, wrapping her arms around Lexa’s waist, and began leaving kisses across her jawline. Lexa smiled, letting herself enjoy the feeling. Clarke couldn’t resist raising a hand to her face; Lexa turned her face slightly inward to Clarke’s hand, nuzzling into it, looking into Clarke’s eyes tenderly. It was the little things she was loving figuring out, like how into her touch Lexa was. And if this was what Lexa needed, she wouldn’t hesitate to give it to her. Clarke kissed her; if she was being honest, she needed to feel Lexa with her just as much.  
  
“So, are you going to do it?” Lexa untangled herself from Clarke’s embrace reluctantly; the eggs were sizzling.  
  
Clarke was quiet for a moment, looking down at her feet. She wiggled her toes, creating a wave across all ten of them. When she looked up, her face was set. “Yeah. Yeah, I am.” Then, she raised her hands to her face, cupping it. “Oh my god. I’m going back to med school. Lex, I’m finally going to be a doctor!”  
  
Lexa put the spatula aside and picked Clarke up, twirling her around the kitchen. “Yeah, you are, babe. And I’m so damn proud of you.” By the time she set her down, they were both giddy with laughter, and flushed from excitement. Picking up their plates, she set them down on the table. “Will that be coffee, tea, or me, Dr. Griffin?”  
  
Clarke winked at her. “The choice is obvious, Ms. Woods.” She began digging in; happiness could make you hungry. “Though I don’t think you can call me that yet.”  
“Practice?” Lexa sat down at the table.  
  
Clarke’s phone began buzzing; she looked over, then silenced it and went back to eating without missing a beat. It sat on the table between them; Lexa looked down at the screen. A picture of Abby and Clarke in matching red heart-shaped plastic sunglasses, their arms wrapped around each other as they sported similar goofy grins stared back at her. Clarke took a sip of her coffee, suddenly interested in observing the toaster in the corner of the kitchen. Eventually, the call ended, and Clarke reached over and slid her finger across the Missed call notification; it disappeared off the screen. She looked up. “What?”  
  
Lexa paused her chewing. “Are you going to tell her about med school?”  
  
Without hesitation, the word was out of Clarke’s mouth. “No.”  
  
“She’s been pretty persistent, Clarke. She’s called you every day for nearly two months.”  
  
“And I’ve texted her back a couple of times. She knows I’m fine, but I’m not ready, Lex. I just….I just need to know you and I are...solid first.” She reached for Lexa’s hand. “I mean, I know we are. I just need more time to process all of it.”  
  
Lexa nodded. She got it. You couldn’t put a thought to the want; it was just a feeling. And there wasn’t really a set timeline for how it would settle; just that somehow, she too hoped it would. All the same, Lexa couldn’t help but feel a little sorry for Abby. She of all people knew what it felt like to be on Clarke’s shit list; it was a dark, empty place of no redemption, until Clarke was ready to give it to you. She gulped down her coffee, and wondered if Abby was beginning to see just how far she had fallen.  
  
Clarke cleared her throat. “When should we leave?”  
  
Lexa looked at her phone. “ASAP? It’s going to be a long day.”  
  
Clarke pushed her chair back and picked up her plate. “I can’t wait, honestly.” She tugged at Lexa’s shirt on the way out. “Want to shower with me to save water and time?”  
  
“Your commitment to saving the planet is admirable.”  
  
“Lexa?”  
  
“Yes, Clarke?”  
  
“Use that mouth of yours for something other than talking.” Clarke squealed as Lexa chased her upstairs, gathering her in her arms, and kissing her all through taking their clothes off, all the way into the shower.

  
******

“You’re late!” Raven stepped out of the house, grinning from ear to ear. “I would have asked if it was the traffic, but that’s not even an excuse anymore.” She came and stopped about six feet away from Clarke and Lexa. “Couldn’t keep your hands off each long enough to come see me, huh?”  
  
“Whoops.” Clarke grinned sheepishly, while Lexa’s was more bashful.  
  
“Anyway, AIR HUGS!! I am so damn happy to see you both. Actually, I’m so damn happy for adult company.” Raven wrapped her arms tightly around nothing in front of her. They did the same.  
  
“Hey Ray. Missed you so much, too. Arg, I want to give you a damn hug so bad.” The excitement in Clarke’s smile was tinged with wistfulness. Lexa squeezed her hand.  
  
Raven’s eyes twinkled. “Well, I have some news for you.” She motioned pointed to the path curving around the house. “Come around to the back. I’ve got the grill going already. Got the beer, Lexa?”  
  
Lexa held up the six packs in her hands. “I know who I was coming to see, don’t worry.” Raven held up her fingers in an okay sign.  
  
They made their way around, climbing onto the deck. The lawn was littered with remnants of playtime which, in the middle of the summer, was a never ending cycle interrupted only by sleep and ice cream trucks. Clarke gingerly picked up a Nerf gun and set it down on the ground next to her chair. “Where are the kids?”  
  
“Next door. We’ve extended our social distancing bubble to the neighbours on both sides. So the adults can all take turns saving each others’ sanity.” She flipped the burgers one by one. “Should be back for lunch though. They’re excited to see you two.”  
  
Lexa cracked open three beers, handing one each to Clarke and Raven before leaning against the railing next to Clarke with hers. “Good to see you, Ray. How’re things?”  
  
Raven shook the tongs at them. “You first. Apart from the obvious, how’s shackin’ up?”  
  
Clarke and Lexa exchanged matching shy smiles, before Clarke turned back to Raven. “Good. Really good. We’re just....I don’t know, relearning to be with each other. Or learning, I dunno.” She interrupted herself with a sip of her beer; words were no help right now; it wasn’t a thought, just a feeling.  
  
Lexa slipped an arm around her shoulders. “Yeah, I mean, I think we’re just healing slowly, but also enjoying just being together, you know?” She shrugged. “Causal catharsis, call it what you want.”  
  
Raven nodded. “I mean, that’s one hell of a bombshell to get over. Abby apologised yet?”  
  
Clarke shook her head. “I haven’t exactly talked to her since, you know, that.”  
  
Raven eyed her carefully, letting her gaze sweep over to Lexa, who shook her head slightly. Let it go. She gave an imperceptible nod of her head. “Yeah, all in good time, Griff.” She wiped her hands against her apron. “I’m doing well, thanks. So, question: you got room for one more at home?” She chuckled at Clarke and Lexa’s confused faces. “Raven in the house, crew!” She took a sip of her beer. “No, seriously, I’m coming back. At least for the next few months.”  
  
“Ray! Lead with the big news. Hell yes!” Clarke whooped, then stopped. “What about Madi and Aden?”  
  
“Off to Grandma and Grandpa Blakes’ for the rest of the summer and at least part of the fall. O and Linc might work out some kind of time off arrangement if this continues for too long. Or maybe I’ll come back to pitch in. But yeah, we talked about it last night. I’m dropping them off next week, then coming back here to close up the house. Should be back home in about a couple of weeks.” She wiggled her eyebrows. “Ready for me to third wheel the shit out of your love life?”  
  
Clarke rolled her eyes. “I’ve been there enough times with you.” She looked over at Lexa. “This one might need to get used to it, though.”  
  
Lexa raised her bottle at Raven. “You forget, I lived with you in college. If we got through that, this should be a piece of cake.” She held up her free hand in mock surrender. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding. Glad you’re coming home, Ray.”  
  
Clarke looked over at her curiously; she had caught the slight hesitation in Lexa’s voice; for anyone else, including Raven, it would have gone unnoticed. Huh.  
“What else? What else do I have going on?” Raven mused, slapping more patties on the grill. “Oh yeah, I met someone.”  
  
“What? How? That’s great!” Clarke shook her head. “And since when do you keep stuff like that from me?”  
  
“The wonders of Tinder. And well, since a wiseass told me not to kiss and tell.”  
  
“Hey!” Clarke feigned indignation, while Lexa laughed. “You like this one, huh?”  
  
Raven nodded. “Yeah, I think I do. And look, I don’t want to jinx it. At least not till we meet in person. She’s closer to home. So yeah, she’s cute, I’m into her, we’ve been talking and texting, and that’s all you’re getting for now.”  
  
“We’ll see about that.” Clarke crossed her arms. “I’m getting some of Mexico’s finest truth serum into you soon as you’re home.”  
  
Raven grinned at her. “The perils of best friends.”  
  
“CLARKE! LEXA! You’re really here!”  
  
“Oof!” Lexa doubled over as a little figure ran straight into her with the force of a cannonball, wrapping itself around her legs. “Hey, Madi! Space travel practice going well?” A small head nodded vigorously at her. Lexa gently detached Madi from herself, drawing her away by the hand. Madi then turned to Clarke, and planted a sloppy, wet kiss on the side of her cheek, and promptly slapped a hand to her mouth in horror. “Oh! Raven said I could only give you air kisses. But I forgot to remember. Sorry!” She flashed them her most charming gap toothed smile. “Clarke, want to see my new cartwheel trick?” She tugged at Clarke’s hand, pointing to the lawn. Clarke picked up her beer and followed.  
  
Children really had no concept of social distancing; Lexa wondered how the hell schools were planning to enforce it if they opened back up in September. She watched them in silence for a few minutes; Clarke really was so good with kids; the thought tugged at her heartstrings. Maybe someday.  
“You two doing really well, huh? I’m glad.” Raven broke into her thoughts. “Listen, Lexa, you know I love you, but I’m going to give it to you straight. I hope you’ve got your priorities right this time.”  
  
Lexa’s eyes snapped to Raven. She opened her mouth to argue, then took a deep breath instead. She had a point. “I do, Ray. I’m not going to hurt her like that again. I didn’t mean to the last time either.”  
  
“Good, because she won’t be able to stand a second broken heart because of you. She barely survived the first one. It sucked to see.” Raven’s tone was sharp and soft all at once. “Clarke’s unbreakable, but you’re the only one who can put that to the test. Don’t make me choose her over you.”  
Lexa was silent for a few moments. “I know. I won’t, I promise.” She meant it.  
  
Raven continued. “I get that it wasn’t all on you; I do. But, like, in all the years I’ve known Clarke, she’s never come close to feeling what she does for you, for anyone else. That’s always been true, by the way, whether she’s said it out loud or not.” She took a swig of her beer. “And that’s a real responsibility, Lexa. So you need to be ready for everything that brings. Are you?”  
  
Lexa nodded. “I am, finally.” She knew that wouldn’t cut it with Raven, though. “I’ll prove it.”  
  
The tension around Raven’s mouth gave a little. “Okay. For your own sake more than anyone else’s, Woods. I want to see you both stay happy.”  
  
“Raven, I’m hungry! Oh hey, Lexa!” Aden bounced up, interrupting them as he high-fived Lexa with enthusiasm. “Come see my treehouse!”  
  
“Later, lunch is ready. Lexa, here, dish it out, will you? Oh, and yeah, the stuff in the corner is that plant-meat crap for Clarke and you.” Lexa shook her head, touched; underneath her crustiness, Raven really was all heart.  
  
They spent the rest of the afternoon hanging out with the kids, taking turns to play Madi’s various versions of hide and seek and listen to Aden recount his latest best gameplays, while catching up with Raven, turning to leave reluctantly only when the light began to fade.  
  
Raven saw them to the car. “This was awesome. Thanks for driving up, crew. Sucks we’re not at the staying over stage yet. But man, I can’t wait to be home.”

It was well past midnight by the time they were slipping into bed. Lexa yawned, reaching for the night lamp to flick it off. She heard Clarke’s voice in the darkness. “Lex, you seemed hesitant about Raven coming back. Everything’s cool between you two, right?”  
  
Lexa pulled her close, enjoying the way she fit snugly under her chin, feeling Clarke’s fingers find their way to her hip. This was nice; they had regular spots for such things now. She sighed contentedly, but then reached for the covers to fling them off. This heatwave really was dragging on forever; she was going to finally go and pick up a damn AC tomorrow. “Yeah, yeah, we’re fine. We talked a bit. I got the standard protective best friend speech about not hurting you. That’s not it, though. She’s right about that part.”  
  
Clarke clicked her tongue. “I told her not to say anything. But I get it; she’s looking out for me. You know I don’t think that anymore, right?” She felt Lexa nod against her head; she kissed her neck, then snuggled closer. This infernal heat meant that the cuddling wouldn’t last more than a few minutes; she wanted to make the most of it. “Then what is it?”  
  
Lexa sighed. “I have no right to say this; this is Raven’s house more than mine. But I just like having you to myself, you know? I feel like it’s been so hard earned, I just want to enjoy us uninterrupted.”  
  
Clarke hummed sleepily. “I know, Lex. But she’s our friend. And maybe she’ll be too busy with her new squeeze, don’t worry. So weird she didn’t tell me….” Clarke’s voice trailed off, as she sank quickly into sleep, leaving her thoughts unfinished, and Lexa to push away the mild discomfort her own were piling on, the selfishness underneath them surprising her the most.

*******

Clarke sighed as she turned over onto her back; this heat. This hot, hot, heat; it hung around in the air in sheets, keeping everything still and suspended in a constant state of tautness. What was that? In her state of half-sleep felt her hand run over her belly, under her breasts, curving over her own hips, her fingertips exploring just how much the summer blaze was affecting her. She was just so….swollen and full of warmth. She’d opted to sleep with nothing on, hoping it would cool her off. Instead she was covered, everywhere, with sweat. She licked her lips, moving her fingers lower; a whisper of a breeze through the window felt like a respite for a second, until she felt it brush against her already puckered nipples. It felt like Lexa. Clarke couldn’t help herself; she moaned at the thought of Lexa’s mouth on each tip, how she swirled her tongue around, over and over, how she alternated between slow sucking and drawing over until she was at the very end, and sometimes, when Clarke looked down at her in her haze of want, she would let go with a pop; and how yesterday Clarke had seen a sliver of spit form a thin web from those perfect lips to the end of her nipple, and how the sight made her push her hips harder against Lexa’s fingers as they fucked her, and how Lexa had groaned when she’d felt Clarke tighten around them, and how just that sound alone had made Clarke clench harder, and come so fucking hard.

 _Fuck_. She was so damn _horny_. And Lexa was fast asleep. Should she wake her? Maybe she could take care of this herself. She touched herself; she was so ready, her two fingers slipped inside almost accidentally, and Clarke’s hips began a slow back and forth in tune with her own touch; she was trying not to move around too much, but she’d forgotten how good her own fingers felt. If Lexa and her past lovers were to be believed, she was pretty damn good with them but yes, this was always great validation. She was lost in herself now, feeling her own cunt begin to tighten; she was close. She moved her other hand to her clit, pressing down, feeling the pressure building….  
  
“Were you going to finish without me?” Lexa’s soft voice, laden with aftersleep was in her ear. “Did you think I wouldn’t....know?” Clarke turned her head; her eyes had gotten used to the darkness, but she still couldn’t see Lexa clearly. She felt, more than anything, the space between their lips. In the split second before she connected them, her breath carried the words to Lexa. “So what are you going to do about it?” She hit a particularly sensitive spot inside, and shuddered the same second as she kissed Lexa. She didn’t know when it happened exactly, but her fingers had been pushed away, and Lexa had taken over. Lexa broke off their kiss, only to bring Clarke’s fingers, which had been buried inside her only moments before, to her lips. She licked them clean one by one and when she was done, pushed her tongue inside Clarke’s mouth, at the exact moment she added a third finger inside Clarke.  
  
Clarke’s sharp cry was muffled, and she bucked her hips hard; she could taste herself on Lexa’s tongue, and somehow, the thought that Lexa was marked by her flavour, and her own personal stamps of possession, made her wrap herself tighter around Lexa’s hand. “Babe, you’re so tight. I, I can’t…..”  
  
Clarke was practically rocking off the bed now, her feet planted against the mattress, Lexa in between her legs on her knees as she felt droplets pool in between her thighs, her breasts, underneath her armpits. She was so, so sweaty, and she felt her own scent rise off in musky, earthy waves. As if on cue, Lexa shifted angles, her fingers hitting deeper, as she fell forward. “Fuck, your smell. Clarke…” Lexa buried her nose in Clarke’s neck, and inhaled deeply. She was close too, Clarke could tell. She shifted a bit, flattening out her right leg, and setting her hand against the small of Lexa’s back, guided her until she felt the silky wetness coat her thigh. Lexa was grinding on her hard, her thrusts connecting her pelvis with the hand that was knuckle-deep in Clarke; the impact was driving Clarke wild, sending jolts deep inside, to her very core.  
  
They were rocking back and forth, barely coherent now, and the air was punctuated by Clarke’s husky cries and Lexa’s pants and gasps. Clarke wrapped an arm around Lexa, only to find her back covered in a fine layer of sweat; turning to her shoulder, she licked along to the curve of Lexa’s neck; the mixture of salt and Lexa was the headiest drug. She bit down, hard. Lexa shuddered and lost her rhythm, and Clarke felt her orgasm hit the moment she felt Lexa come on her, spilling onto her thigh, feeling it trail down onto the sheets in a stream of sweat and sex, and a few seconds later, she was doing the same in Lexa’s hand. “So much come. Can’t hold all of you....” Lexa was having trouble with words, but she got the gist of it. She rode out the waves cresting inside her until her peak slowed. She turned her face to Lexa’s capturing her lips in a slow, steamy kiss. She could feel Lexa’s tiny movements against her thigh even as she kissed her back; their bodies flush against each other, they were molten lava, burning each other up.  
  
They lay in each other’s arms for a while; finally, Lexa looked up. “This damn heat. Though I can’t complain about it anymore.” She moved off Clarke, rolling to the other side of the bed, making room for Clarke next to her, a beatific smile on her face. “Should we shower? And I‘m pretty sure we ruined the sheets.”  
  
“Mmm mmmm. I like you all over me.” It was Clarke’s turn to nuzzle Lexa. “We’ll wash them tomorrow.” She yawned; great sex always made her sleepy. Turning to her side, she let Lexa spoon her; she was already cooling off, and she even felt a little chill running through her. Grabbing Lexa’s arm, she wrapped it around her waist, feeling her settle in. Lexa left soft, lazy kisses on the back of her neck; they gave Clarke butterflies. She felt herself drifting off. “Lexa?”  
  
“Hmm?” Lexa’s voice was drowsy, but content.  
  
“You make me really happy.”  
  
Lexa’s smile against her skin was the last thing Clarke felt before she fell asleep. “You make me really happy, too, Clarke.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: Well, hello.
> 
> Don't you wish we could keep Clarke and Lexa like this always? But, Season 7 is happening, the queerbaiting has reached radioactive levels, and I am frankly pretty mad about it all. So, this is a proverbial bull/horns situation, and I've got something planned to roughly coincide with the series finale (and maybe the last couple of episodes, we'll see). Not saying much more about it, because I'm still conceptualizing honestly, but I do know it's going to be to protect my/our heart/s (and try and salvage some respect and dignity for one of the most beloved characters on contemporary TV). So, if you're interested, hit the user subscription button, and let's hope I don't muck it up even more than the show writers are doing right now.
> 
> Stay safe and sound, friends, and drop me a line if you like!


	71. Well, I’m telling it like it is see, so many fruits on this tree

Clarke hummed in tune with the song playing softly on her phone; she glanced quickly at the time as she rummaged through the pouch on the bathroom countertop; where was her mascara? She found it at the very bottom of the bag. Flipping over the small tube, she checked for the expiry date. How the hell had it been four months? It was still almost full. She tried to think back to the last time she had worn any makeup; it had to have been the night of that fateful online rave Costia had hosted. She shook her head, picking up the lash curler and bringing it up to her eye; it was hard to believe that had been a quarter of a year ago; where was 2020 evaporating to, and how much more of a trail of destruction and chaos would it leave in its wake? In some ways, the most important part of the year was coming up ahead, and even now, she was often surprised how quickly news of the upcoming election kept getting pushed off the front page with the latest mess to report. Sighing, she concentrated on herself; she was out of practice, and it took extra focus so that her face didn’t resemble a figure from Madi’s “doll salon.”

But here she was, ready to take the next step forward; it was her own personal metamorphosis of sorts. If someone had told her when Raven had called her that day in the spring that she would be here in less than half a year, reunited with the love of her life and ready to change careers, she’d have asked for her money back, compounded with interest. But, Fate often gave you what you wanted, just on her own schedule, in her own way; Clarke was definitely chalking that down to one of her biggest lessons so far.

As if on cue, Lexa appeared, her hair sticking up like wispy, wild twigs, eyes bleary as she covered her yawn with one hand. She leaned against the doorframe, her slow, sleepy smile getting wider with every passing second. They met eyes in the mirror.

“What?” Clarke leaned against the counter, stopping her fidgeting to take Lexa in. What a gift this was, to be able to gather these tiny moments of candidness and comfort, of Lexa, to tuck away and form a complete picture in her heart later, to carry with her always.

“Hi, Beautiful.” Lexa mumbled groggily as she pushed off the doorway and wrapped herself around Clarke, matching their short footsteps back and forth, so that Clarke could finish getting ready. Clarke couldn’t stop smiling at the sweetness of the gesture; Lexa seemed perfectly happy with leaving soft kisses in her hair, eyes half-closed, as she gradually woke up to the world. Finally, Clarke turned in Lexa’s arms and kissed her, feeling the leftover sleepwarmth radiating from her. “Good, no, best morning.”

Lexa tightened her arms around Clarke. “Ready for today?” She could tell Clarke was nervous, in spite of her efforts to put on a nonchalant front; she held her body more tautly, vibrating with a jittery kind of energy.

Clarke hesitated, then nodded. “Yeah, time to go rip the Band-Aid off. I get the sense that Jaha won’t be too thrilled, what with everything we have coming up. But at least we’re in a bit of a lull for now.”

“They. Everything _they_ have coming up.” Lexa pushed a stray hair out of Clarke’s face. “Two weeks from now, Arkadia Biomedia will no longer be your concern. You’re moving on to other things.” 

Clarke played with the neckline of Lexa’s tank top, dropping her eyes. “I know, you’re right. I’m going to miss it, though. It was such a big part of my life. And in some ways, an anchor.”

Lexa raised Clarke’s hand to her lips. “I get that. And that it will always be special for that reason. But you have other anchors now.”

“Like you?” Clarke raised an eyebrow at her.

“Like me.” Lexa looked at her seriously. “Remember our date on the beach when you said you thought you could go back and finish if you had the right support?” Clarke nodded, thinking back to that perfect night. “Well, I’ve always known you can take down mountains with one hand tied behind your back, but yes, I’m here for all of it, if you need me.”

Clarke felt a sudden shyness overcome her; with a vote of confidence like that, who could fail? She closed her eyes and waited to feel Lexa’s lips against hers; when she did, she gave into the feeling of bliss overtaking her. They kissed with abandon, lost in each other and to the world, for moments or minutes, it didn’t matter.

A sharp thump on the door made them jump apart, startled. “I need to peeeeee. Ugh, come on you two!” Raven’s grumpy voice cut through their cocoon. Lexa scowled, a flicker of irritation pinching her forehead. “That’s the third time this week. And it’s only Tuesday.” She muttered under her breath, reluctantly letting go of Clarke.

“Maybe we should set an alarm next time.” Clarke winked at her, stepping forward to open the door as she led Lexa out by the hand. “Sorry, Ray! Lexa was giving me a pep talk.”

“Is that what the kids are calling it these days?” Raven pushed past them quickly, turning to shut the door. “Fix your face, Clarke. And you look good.” Clarke had learnt long ago of Raven’s incurable allergy to mornings, something Lexa had dealt with their whole time in college.

Lexa gently rubbed the tip of her thumb against the corners of Clarke’s mouth, wiping off the smudges. “I’ll get breakfast started.” Clarke, catching the slight edge in the voice, squeezed her other hand. “Be right there. Will you give me a reason to put all my lipstick back on again?”

Lexa stopped at the top of the stairs to give her a sheepish smile. “Am I that obvious?”

Clarke blew her a kiss as she retreated to her room to gather her things. “Only to me. And, I love you, too.” 

Lexa blushed all the way to her toes as she made her way downstairs, totally forgetting what she had been annoyed about.

*****

Picking up her plate, Lexa made her way to the breakfast table. Out of habit, she set her mug down to Clarke’s right, reaching her hand to the chair to pull it out. A thought struck her at the last second, like it had practically every day for the past three weeks; this was Raven’s chair, and it kind of always had been. Stifling a sigh, Lexa moved over to the other side, opposite Clarke, who raised her head. “Raven’s not going to care, Lex.” Lexa only shook her head as she sat down. “It’s just about respecting her space, that’s all.” 

Clarke feigned a pout, but nodded. “How will we make out between bites now?”

“Like this.” Lexa drew herself halfway out of her chair, grabbing Clarke by the front of her blouse, locking their lips in a long, deep kiss, using her tongue to caress Clarke’s, tasting the black currant preserves, sugar and something innately _Clarke_. When she pulled away, Lexa could practically see red cartoon hearts floating around Clarke’s head in rings. “Oh. Okay. Just like that, yes.” Lexa grinned; it was nice to see the tables turn, sometimes; she felt like she was usually the one fumbling through her days in a Clarke-induced daze. She looked up as Raven strolled in, nose buried in her phone, her mouth upturned in a smirk. Lexa had always marvelled at Raven’s ability to go from a smoking dragon to something almost resembling a human in a span of thirty minutes every morning. Raven chuckled as she set her phone down, and headed towards the fridge. 

“How’s Luna doing?” Clarke waited for Raven to return with her breakfast of berries and granola. “Oh, you know, good. Her quarantine period is almost up.” Raven tried to keep her face neutral, but Clarke saw the twinkle in her eyes. “Oh? So are you meeting up?” 

Raven nodded, her cheeks puffed out from her enormous mouthful. “Soon.” She said, as soon as she’d made some space. “Probably next week, I’m thinking?” She ducked her head back down, eyes fixed on her bowl.

Lexa was watching Raven over the rim of her mug; it was rare to see her shy about anything; this was certainly a first. She glanced over at Clarke, who was doing the same. Raven, sensing both their eyes on her, looked up. “Oh come on, what now?”

“Nothing! Just like, I know you’re excited. Where are you meeting her?” Clarke set her coffee down, but kept her gaze on Raven. 

“Fine. Only if you promise to leave me alone. Next week. In the park. We’re grabbing some beers and hanging out. Nothing spectacular, but that’s what you get in the age of COVID.”

“I actually think this is kind of awesome. It feels like it’s slowing the pace of the dating game, right?” Lexa bit into her bagel. 

“Yeah, I mean, pressure’s off. Or maybe it’s on, I don’t know. Right now, I feel like I’m making a new friend, that’s all.”

“A friend who you also happen to think is pretty hot.” Lexa pointed out. “Way I see it, it’s a win-win.”

Raven’s eyes slid back and forth between Clarke and Lexa.“Well, you’d know something about that, huh?” There was no bite to her words, just a hopeful uptick in her tone.

Lexa answered Raven, her eyes never leaving Clarke’s. “I would. It’s incomparable, believe me.” Clarke blushed hard, letting her hair fall across her face as she looked away. Lexa was such a damn _charmer_ when she wanted to be, and it worked on her every single time. She found herself wishing they were alone right then, and surreptitiously crossed her legs under the table.

Raven cleared her throat. “Well, I can’t promise an earth shattering romance of the ages like you two, but yeah, I’m looking forward to it. And, frankly, I need to get laid; I’m dying over here.” She held up two sets of crossed fingers. “So send me some of your loved slash lusted up vibes, and let’s hope for the best.” There were plenty of those to go around these days, Clarke thought to herself; she could probably bottle them and sell them and make a small fortune as a side hustle. 

“Speaking of, Griff, Murphy and Emori. Did you get my text?”

She was shaken out of her thoughts. “Oh yeah. The baby shower? What is that, the third COVID-pregnancy we know of?” 

“I can’t wait for the memes. And the names. Oh man, let’s play “Name the Baby”, but like, pandemic-themed.” 

Lexa perked up at that. “Oh, this is going to be good. I can already think of some awesome ones. Totally inappropriate, of course.”

Raven held up a finger. “Now that I can get behind. But, save it for the party.”

She pulled up the note-taking app on her phone. “Okay, but seriously. We don’t have much time to get this done. Guest list? And _where_ are we doing the actual shower? Somewhere outside, right?”

Lexa listened to Clarke and Raven chatter on excitedly, her thoughts drifting back to her own friends in Goa. Just a few months ago, she’d had a whole support system, a group of people who she’d spent a decade cultivating rich, meaningful and _fun_ friendships with, and now, just like that, they had all dissipated into the far corners of the world, unsure and unknowing of when they would see each other again, trying to prop each other with periodic electronic promises of better times to come. She sighed; she missed her friends and in a way, her old life, though she knew this new one was everything she had imagined wanting; she just had to look at Clarke, who was laughing along to something Raven was showing her on her phone, her hands moving fast as she came up with potential decor themes, to know that as the absolute, irrefutable truth. Lexa just needed to know what to do with _herself_ next, a sign, anything, to quell the restlessness she had felt churning inside her lately.

Her phone was buzzing; glancing down, she felt her own face break into a smile. Speaking of signs. She answered it, getting up from the table. “Hey, Costia!” She locked eyes with Clarke, who nodded when she gestured and made her way towards the living room before turning back to party planning with Raven.

“Lexa! Oh my god. I’m so glad I caught you. Hi! Wait, can I see you?”

Turning on her camera, Lexa sank down on the couch. She had an inkling what this was about, and it was already lifting her spirits. 

Costia waved at her almost frantically. “Okay. Wow. I just got the craziest phone call from my accountant.” She paused, raising a hand to her forehead, trying to contain herself. “Lexa, I can’t. I can’t accept the money. Thank you so much, and from the bottom of my heart, but no.” 

Lexa’s brow furrowed; not how she had expected this to go. “What? Why not? Costia, I want you to have it. I want to help you with the bar.” She paused. “Did Uncle Gus not explain the terms properly?”

Costia waved her hand around impatiently. “No, that’s just it. He did. Lexa, it’s _so damn much_ money. I will never, ever be able to pay you back.” She shook her head vigorously. “I can’t do that; not for the sake of our friendship.”

Lexa held up her hand. “Costia, it’s not a loan. It’s a kind of bailout, a gift for a year, to tide you over.” She smiled at the camera. “And it’s precisely because of our friendship that I want you to have it. The bar is special to me, too. I want to see it again in all its glory someday.” She stopped, waiting for an answer, but Costia had gone quiet. “Cos?”

“Lexa, this is too much. Even friends don’t do this for each other. I just….I can’t take the money.” Costia swallowed hard, as if trying to bury her emotions deeper.

“Friends like us, friends like family, do, Cos. Let me do this for you. Please. It would make me very happy.” When Costia still didn’t respond, Lexa’s smile changed to something lighter; she’d had a brainwave. “Hey, that’s three times.”

Costia’s head snapped up, and a grin began breaking out across her face. “What, no! You can’t pull that one on me. You don’t even live in India anymore.”

Lexa shook her head, her smile softening. “And what makes you think India doesn’t live in _me_ , still?” Costia closed her mouth, having no answer to that. Lexa paused, then repeated her ask. “Let’s try this again. Costia, I would be honoured if you would please accept the money to keep the bar afloat.”

Costia sighed. “Fine. Okay. Yes, I accept. And the honour’s mine, you know that.” When she looked back at the camera, her eyes were shining with unshed tears. She clasped her hands in front of her chest. “Lexa, I don’t I’ll ever be able to thank you enough for this.”

Lexa felt relief coursing through her. “Nothing to thank me for, Cos. I mean it; I love the place. I want to see it thrive. I want to see _you_ thrive.” She gave Costia a moment to compose herself. “Did they run the other option by you, too?” When Costia nodded, Lexa continued. “Obviously, that’s completely separate from the gift amount. And entirely up to you, with no obligation. I won’t be upset if you don’t want the Woods Group coming in as an investor next year, I promise. I just thought it would be better for you than having to be at the mercy of a bank.” She hesitated. “You won’t turn it down without considering it fully, will you?”

A playful expression crossed Costia’s face. “What, and pass up the opportunity to have you as my ‘sleeping partner’ again?” She paused, watching Lexa. “Too soon?”

Lexa felt a surge of mirth course through her; before she knew it, she had thrown her head back and was laughing hard, a deep rumbling shaking her through and through. Seeing her reaction, Costia did the same, until their joint peals echoed throughout the living room. Finally, Lexa looked at her, wiping her eyes. “Wow, that’s...that’s a good one. Think we crossed new terrain with our friendship.” It felt good, this new ability to laugh at themselves. “Okay, let’s talk about it closer to the date, then.” She noticed Clarke waving at her tentatively from the doorway. She was off to Arkadia, and Lexa wanted to say goodbye. She looked down at the phone. “Cos, I need to run. But, talk soon? And if you put Uncle Gus in touch with your lawyer, they should be able to sort through the boring paperwork.”

Costia waved at her. “I will. Thank you, Lexa, really. Oh, and I shipped your stuff a while ago. COVID-delays aside, it should be there any day now.” She paused. “And say hi to Clarke.”

“Amazing, thank you. And, I will.” Lexa smiled, as she clicked off the call, getting up off the couch quickly to catch up to Clarke, who was already out the front door.

Clarke walked to her car, checking her bag that she had everything she needed. She took in a deep breath, steeling herself. This was it; once she got behind the wheel and drove away, there would be no turning back. Not that she wanted to, but she felt a prickle of self-doubt, and an anticipatory tingling that made her insides churn a little. She sighed; she’d wanted to see Lexa before she left, but she had seemed deep in her conversation with Costia. She knew Lexa had been nervous about how the gift would sit with Costia; she’d seen it in Lexa’s sleeplessness the other night. But it had worked out fine just now, from the sounds of it; Costia’s lighthearted comment still rang in her ears. Clarke hadn’t meant to eavesdrop, but sound carried, and she’d been on her way to say goodbye to Lexa anyway. She wondered how the hell Lexa and Costia had managed to coast along with their friendship so easily; it seemed like their past was just a distant memory now. She was happy for Lexa, of course she was, but there was another feeling that was being kicked up inside of her, something a little more insidious. Was it jealousy? No, she shook her head, pushing the thought out before it was even fully formed; definitely not. She knew she had nothing to worry about; Lexa was hers, and hers alone, she knew that without a shred of doubt. But she’d have to think about it some more later; for now, she had her day to get on with.

“Clarke!” She saw Lexa hurrying towards her. She smiled; she had been hoping something like this would happen. Lexa came up to the driver’s side, and climbing up on the footrest, shoved her torso through the window to grab the front of Clarke’s shirt; she kissed her hard, pouring all the encouragement she could muster into it; she hoped Clarke would feel it, too.

Clarke sighed as Lexa’s lips moved against hers; how could a kiss be so comforting, so _full_? It felt like a hug more than anything, like Lexa was telling her she was right _there_ and ready to catch her if she needed it. She wrapped her arms around Lexa, stopping herself from pulling her into the car, on top of her. As if sensing her conflict, Lexa pulled away reluctantly. “One for the road. Lots more later.” Running a finger along the side of Clarke’s face, she connected their lips again; this one was shorter, but just as intense. “And one for good luck. Now go get ‘em. I’m proud of you.”

Clarke nodded shyly, trying to clear her head, as Lexa stepped away. “Okay. I’ll call you when I’m done.” With one final wave at Lexa, Clarke pulled out of the driveway. She gripped the steering wheel with both hands; she was ready for this.

******

Sitting in her parking spot outside Arkadia a little while later, Clarke checked her makeup in the sun visor, reaching into her bag to touch up her lipstick with a wry smile; Lexa had kissed it clean off, _again_. 

A few minutes later, she was swiping her pass at the front entrance; the keypad flashed green, and she entered, face mask on. She stuck her hand under the dispenser by the door without breaking step; the cool liquid, coupled with the potent scent of artificial chemicals was somewhat disconcerting, but she continued on, her footsteps colliding with their own echoes, creating the illusion of an infinite army of her selves following behind. The building was deserted, with desks stacked with papers left askew, and monitors blinking steadily through months of hibernation. So this is what a post-apocalyptic world could begin to look like, Clarke thought. Her eyes noticed the office plants; they were flourishing; someone had obviously been around to keep them alive; the trellis by the kitchen wall had long since been abandoned, and a creeper plant was slowly but surely taking over the counter, it’s tendrils extending to reclaim what was in a way, always theirs. It was cool, if you could call erasure that.

She turned the corner to Jaha’s office at the end of the hallway; he was slouched over, reviewing what looked like a manuscript. She felt a surge of affection; how many times had she seen him in this exact position over the last five years? And this was probably the last.

He looked up as she came closer, his face brightening; he might have been smiling, but he had a mask on, probably in anticipation of her arrival. “Ah, Clarke. Come on in.”

She walked in, leaving the door open as a precaution; there was no else around to overhear anyway. “Chief. Good to actually see you in three dimensions again.” 

He nodded. “Likewise. For a minute there I thought I was seeing a ghost.” He waited until Clarke had sat down and arranged herself. “So, what’s this about? Everything okay?” Their weekly updates had continued through quarantine, ensuring the team could catch each other up work and otherwise, so there really wasn’t a backlog of updates to talk through.

Clarke shifted in her seat; Jaha’s eyes pierced into her. “Well, at least one of us has good news.” She paused. “I’ve decided to return to, and finish up, med school. I’ll be starting my final semester in about three weeks.” Jaha’s face remained impassive; she reached into her bag, pulling out a large brown envelope. “This is my formal resignation.”

Jaha reached for it, and set it down beside him. For a moment, there was nothing but the soft whirring of the air conditioning between them. Then, he opened his hands out, letting out a guffaw. “Congratulations, Clarke! This is excellent news!” 

Clarke raised her eyebrows, before bursting out into surprised laughter herself. “Thank you, Chief, thank you. You’re not...mad?”

“Mad? Why would I be mad?” He slapped his desk with one hand. “I’m a little _sad,_ you are one of the best illustrators we’ve ever had, but no, I’m proud of you.” He wagged a finger at her. “Between you and me, I’ve been waiting for this day for five years.” He interlaced his fingers, resting his elbows on the table. “May I ask what prompted this decision now?”

Lexa’s face floated in front of her; Clarke could feel the power of their earlier kiss so strongly even now. She felt her face begin to redden. “Let’s just say I’m finally ready to raise anchor and set sail again. Thanks to uh, some new people in my life.” _New-old, more or less. And_ s _pecifically the one_ , _actually_. But she didn’t need to say it out loud; Jaha had a knowing look in his eyes. He only nodded. “That, and you’re Abby’s daughter, after all. You’re cut from the same chain mail; don’t underestimate yourself.” Clarke wasn’t sure if that was such a good thing anymore; she suppressed the words on her tongue, choosing to change the subject and discuss wrapping up her projects instead. They spent the next hour talking through each one, until Jaha looked at his watch and stood up. “Enough shop talk. Go home, focus on winding down; HR will be in touch soon. I’ll let the team know, and we’ll set up a Zoom farewell party in the next couple of weeks.” Clarke nodded. “Thanks, Chief. For everything.”

“Thank _you_ , Clarke. You’re going to do great things; I know it. Don’t be a stranger now.” Jaha held out his hand. “I’d give you a hug, but we’ll have to settle for this.” 

Clarke shook it vigorously. “I won’t. You haven’t seen the last of me, I promise.” At the very least, she knew they would probably cross paths again because of his friendship with her mother.

Before getting into the car, she turned around and took a long look at the skeleton of glass and concrete that had encased her in it, for better or for worse, for the past half decade. Taking a last photo, she got in her car and drove away without a backward glance. It was done. Onward.


	72. Does it come in cages? Does it come in threes?

In a way, Death had always been a part of her life; not just in the way it was for everyone else - something to walk or run up to, a marker for the end of things, and depending on what you believed, the gun shot at the beginning of another race, and maybe another kick at the can. For Clarke, it had always been something more, a shadow on her shoulder, a tingling anticipation that Death and her, for what it was worth, would always be engaging in a trade of sorts - for a little more time in exchange for the implicit understanding that in the end, there were neither winners nor losers; it was all just a lesson in the nature of things and cycles. 

The first time that realization dawned on her, she had been about six, kneeling before the fish tank in her room. She was rapt as she stared into it, her fingertips pressed flat against the glass and white with pressure, her eyes wide blue orbs reflecting Crackers, her beloved goldfish, playing out his perfectly choreographed final scene before her. At first, it had only seemed like a little twitch in his left fin, a slight paralysis as it tried to keep up with the rest of him. Then, he had begun swimming sideways; Clarke had put down her crayons and stepped away from her drawing to watch him. Crackers was always up to silly things, like hiding in the ferns and trying to scare the other fishes as they swam by, or chasing bubbles all the way to the surface. But this was weird, even for him. He seemed to be finding it harder and harder to right himself; Clarke tried to reach for him, her fingers dipping into the cold water, but he shied away, gasping and swimming backwards. She hadn’t wanted to scare him, so she had stood by and watched, hoping he would twist himself upside. But then, in a matter of minutes, Crackers had gone belly up, his fishy mouth slowing its frantic ‘O’s until it gradually stopped moving, his tail struggling, eventually giving up its swishing for stillness. Clarke saw the exact second it happened - the life leaving Crackers, his glassy eyes petrifying into morbidity. She hadn’t known what to call it until much later, when Abby had come up to fetch her for dinner, and had found her fixated on Crackers’ lifeless, bloated form, bobbing gently at the top, a useless buoy among the tips of the tank plants. _Death._

And she had seen its slow creep again, years later with her Dad, this time being spared of watching his final moments, the unkindness of his last years made up by his passing in sleep. It had been easier then, kind of having known what to expect, and to have had the chance to let him go. But Death had startled her once again in medical school, the first time she had held up her scalpel, angling her hand, poised ready, as she watched her professor make the first cut, committing both the stroke and the effect to memory. She hadn’t been prepared for it, the resistance of the flesh as she dug the sharp tip of her razor into it, just as she hadn’t been prepared for the realization to hit her, about ten minutes into her lesson, that she was actually seeing inside, gazing into the internal constructs of a human, and that, instead of a warm mesh of a beating heart, a network of sinews, veins and nerves, she was looking into the cavernous depths of a cadaver. Some time ago, it had been alive: laughing, living, _loving_ , probably; some time ago, its heart had probably belonged to someone, and maybe even to someone else. And then it had lain before her, split open and silenced, now just a vehicle for science, teaching students like her precisely how to barter with Death. Cycles and things.

Shifting on the small couch, Clarke adjusted the laptop screen, watching the graphics play out the same dissection virtually that she had once done in person; the toggle bar on the side showed she was three quarters of the way through her refresher anatomy course. Given that the pandemic had reduced medical student on-hands learning to almost nothing, she knew she was lucky to be able to carry on with her coursework, at least the theoretical parts of it; all the same, she felt a strong sense of anticipation for the coming year. A shift in the video caught her attention; a sandy-haired narrator, probably no older than her, held up a heart, and a pair of scissors. Within seconds, he had cut clean through it, stretching the veins and arteries, shoving wiggling fingers through the _vena cava_ , holding up the huge muscle like a macabre puppet, all the while chatting along cheerily. “And these tendons, as you know, close the heart valves during diastole…." _preventing the back flow of blood from the ventricles into the atria_ , Clarke recited under her breath, almost ad verbatim. She probably had her job at Arkadia Biomedia to thank for it, but so far, her medical knowledge was coming back to her pretty quickly. “And the funny thing is, when someone is tugging at your heartstrings, they’re literally making the _chordae tendineae_ a little bit tighter, so that the increased blood flowing from your racing heart doesn’t fall back into it.” She looked up at Lexa, currently sitting across her in the egg chair, one leg dangling on the floor, the tip of a toe keeping her from swinging around, her eyebrows knitted in furious concentration as she hammered away on her keyboard, her dreamy lips set in an even more pronounced pout than usual, a couple of errant strands of hair falling out of her messy bun. Clarke paused at the sight; her _chordae tendineae_ were certainly tight enough to play a symphony on right about now; she debated whether to disturb Lexa with a kiss. 

She regretted her hesitation almost instantly, when a loud crash upstairs startled Lexa, who looked up at her in sheer panic. Clarke slid her headphones off; even through their noise cancellation, she’d heard that. The sound of bass and drums, cranked up enough to make the ceiling shake had them both looking at each other, shaking their heads wryly. A few seconds later, they heard footsteps running into the kitchen, followed by the fridge door being yanked open, with giggles followed by a sharp squeal. Lexa grinned at Clarke, raising an eyebrow, even as Raven, a cup of yoghurt in one hand, stumbled into the room, with a pair of arms wrapped around her waist, and a wild-haired woman nuzzling her neck. They crashed down on the couch in a tumbled mess of limbs, right next to Clarke, who shifted her things hurriedly to avoid a spill on her laptop, even as she tried to make space on the sofa next to herself. 

“Morning, family.” Raven licked the top of her yoghurt, setting it down on the table in front of them. Beside her, Luna snuggled into her side, mysteriously producing a protein bar from somewhere underneath her long t-shirt, unwrapping it noisily before chomping down. “Mmm, I’m starving.” Leaning close to Raven, she whispered loudly, “And for food, too.” Raven’s eyes slid over Luna’s face even as her cheeks burned; Luna slipped a hand under Raven’s t-shirt, rubbing the back of her neck as she planted a long, wet kiss on her lips, moving her mouth against Raven’s hungrily; it went on for a while, until Lexa cleared her throat as she reached for her coffee on the table before her; Clarke hid a smirk in her own.

Luna tore her lips away from Raven’s, flashing her teeth at Lexa. “Oh, sorry. Can’t keep myself away from this one.” She looked back and forth between Clarke and Lexa. “Have you ever felt that way about each other?”

“No idea what you mean.” Lexa deadpanned. “I have no pulse to speak of. Don’t know how she puts up with me, honestly.” She pointed at Clarke, who snorted into her mug; Lexa winked at her surreptitiously; there went Clarke’s heartstrings again, taut enough to fly kites with.

“Oh, hahaha,” Luna’s forced laugh made Raven pipe up. “She’s kidding, obviously, Luna.” Raven pursed her lips, rolling her eyes at Lexa. “I told you how they got together, remember?”

“Yeah, yeah, right.” Luna twirled a strand of her hair. “That was pretty romantic.”

“Thanks.” Clarke smiled at her, sweetly. She could see Luna was trying. 

Luna turned back to Lexa. “But like, I just don’t get it, why did you _leave_ in the first place? I mean, no offense, but when I love someone, they can’t get rid of me even if they paid me to do it.”

Clarke raised her eyebrows, taken aback, as she watched Lexa; a dangerous glint flashed in Lexa’s eyes even as she closed her mouth; she could see a muscle begin to twitch in Lexa’s jaw; she was trying hard to contain herself, Clarke could see that. She put a hand on Luna’s arm. “I didn’t realize that uh, Raven and you had gotten so close so quickly. And I’m sure you know there’s more to every story than meets the eye.” She looked past Luna at Raven, who had the grace to look more than a little sheepish. 

Luna, oblivious to the sudden tension in the room, chirped on. “Yeah, I mean, that’s what happens when you really vibe with someone.” She paused expectantly; Clarke couldn’t bring herself to lie her congratulations; she treated the awkwardness hanging in the air as her minor revenge for Lexa.

“Luna, um, have we talked about this evening?” Raven interrupted the silence, sitting up straighter. 

Luna brightened instantly as she flung her arm around Raven. “How about you and me get ready together? We can head over to my place in a few and just chill until the party tonight?”

Clarke turned around in her seat, surprised. “Oh, are you joining us for the Halloween bike parade?” She looked at Raven; they had been planning this for weeks; since her classes had started, and with Raven and Luna’s fledgling romance, she hadn’t seen much of her at all. Clarke was excited to spend the evening with her and Lexa.

“What’s a bike parade?” Luna asked, confused.

“Oh, well, since we can’t exactly have a Halloween party, a few of us in the neighbourhood decided to dress up in costumes and bike around, and see the decorations. People went all out apparently.” Clarke shrugged. “It’s no bash, but in a year where we can’t have nice things, I’ll take it.”

Luna hummed at Clarke, playing with her own hair again. “Umm, thanks, but I’m going to a small party at a friend’s. Under ten people only, we haven’t seen anybody for two weeks only, all that stuff.” She waved a hand dismissively. “Well, eleven actually.” She nudged Raven. “‘I’m trying to convince this one to come with me.”

Raven hesitated. “Luna, you know I can’t. We’ve made plans already.” She pointed to Clarke and Lexa. “But you should come with us if you want.” 

Luna pushed her lips out in an exaggerated pout, batting her eyelashes at Raven. “Oh come one, Ray; I haven’t seen my friends in weeks. And I want you to meet them _so bad_.”

Clarke tried to keep her expression level; it didn’t help that Lexa’s face was a study in five different forms of judgment. _Ray_ , huh? Clarke thought about how it had taken Lexa and her a year of knowing Raven to earn the right to call her that. She looked over and saw the conflict in Raven’s eyes; she felt a little sorry for her. “Don’t worry about it, Ray.” She smiled encouragingly at her. “We’ll find time to catch up later.” 

Raven looked at her first, then Lexa. “Are you sure? Because you can just say if it isn’t.” Clarke nodded, trying to hide her disappointment. She could feel Lexa’s eyes on her, and knew she could see right through her. But, after studying her for a few moments, Lexa only nodded at Raven. “Yeah, no worries. We’ll be fine.”

Luna stood up to leave, pulling out her phone from the back pocket of her shorts. “Oh, wow. How did it get to like 4PM?” She looked down at Raven. “So, should we head over to mine?” Raven, after looking between Clarke and Lexa one final time, nodded, following Luna as she headed out of the room. “I would totally invite you both,” Luna paused at the doorway, “But COVID social gathering rules and stuff.” She shrugged, trying her best to look apologetic. “Just trying to do the right thing here, you know?”

Lexa’s eyes narrowed; Clarke could see she had had enough. “It’s quite alright.” She said hastily, hoping Luna would get the message. “Maybe some other time.” Luna nodded, clearly relieved to be let off the hook, waving as she headed upstairs.

Raven turned around at the foot of the stairs. “Sorreeee.” She mouthed, forming a heart with her hands and pointing to Clarke and Lexa. “I’ll make it up to you.” They only nodded as she ran upstairs.

Clarke waited until she heard the door shut; then, widening her eyes comically, she met Lexa’s eyes. “What the hell was that?” 

Lexa chuckled softly, her irritation dissipating instantly. “Wow. Why do I feel like we've been snubbed?” She stretched her arms out over her head. “When did we become the boring ones?”

Clarke opened her mouth to respond; she was interrupted by her phone buzzing; it was her mother. She sighed; she was not looking forward to this, but it was time. Setting aside her laptop, she answered the call and brought the phone to her ear. “Hey, Mom.”

Lexa’s head shot up from her computer, her eyes instantly concerned. Clarke gave her what she hoped was a reassuring smile as she headed upstairs. She felt Lexa’s eyes following her; she was probably totally unconvinced. She would come back and find her afterwards.

“Clarke, finally.” She could hear the relief in her Abby’s voice. “It’s been months, darling.” She paused. “I’ve missed you so much.”

Clarke felt a wave of emotion rise up inside her; this was the first time she had heard Abby’s voice in almost five months. It felt good, but then, a second later, she felt the now-familiar anger she had come to associate with her mother. She sighed; she was far from forgiving her for what she had done, and what she had done to Lexa, but. “I know. I’ve...missed you too, Mom.” She paused, shutting the door to her room, mainly to drown out the remnants of the music still thumping from Raven’s room. “How have you been?”

Abby sounded tired; her voice was slightly hoarse. “I’m...okay, darling.” There was a long pause on her end. “Clarke, can we just stop this, please? I already said I regret it. I never meant for it to get so out of hand.” 

Clarke sighed; there was the mother she knew so well, the one incapable of apologizing for anything, ever. “Look, Mom, I told you I needed space, and I’ve taken it.” Lying on her bed, she looked at the blank ceiling above her, imagining Abby’s face. It was a little blurry in her head; five months was long enough to begin to forget. “To be honest, I don’t know if I can get over this, or if I ever will. You kept Lexa and me apart. For a very long time.” She felt her voice crack a little at that, and heard Abby’s sharp intake of breath on the other end. She softened her tone some. “What would you do in my place?” She waited for an answer; when it came, it wasn’t what she expected. “The same thing.” There it was again; the weariness in Abby’s tone; she sounded exhausted; Clarke could hear the slight slurring to her words. “Just so you know, Clarke, I don’t think I can forgive myself either.” She heard the tears in her voice then, and for a few moments, there was just the heaving sound of Abby’s dry sobs. “Listen, Mom, I’m not trying to hurt you any more than this already has. But, I need time, okay? Maybe I’ll text you a bit more, and we can talk sometimes.” Clarke hesitated. “I’ve kind of got a lot going on right now.”

Abby’s voice was more level now, but there was the slight mumbling again. “Like med school?” Clarke frowned, gathering her thoughts. “Yeah,” she said finally; there was no hedging around it. “Jaha?” 

“I had coffee with him the other day. Socially distanced, but yes. He wanted to know how you were finding medical school ‘in these trying times,’ as he put it. I told him you were grabbing it by the horns, just like you do everything else.” Clarke could hear a mild clink in the background; it sounded like glass. “Don’t shut me out, Clarke. I am very proud of you, you know.”

Clarke nodded, forgetting Abby couldn’t see her. “Okay. I’ll try.”

Abby pushed on. “How _is_ med school? Are you excited for your final clerkship next semester? And what about residency applications?”

Clarke felt a sense of relief overcome her; this was something they could talk about without much friction, at least. She launched into describing her experience so far, with Abby interjecting occasionally with questions. As they chatted, Clarke let herself relax a bit; this could be okay, as long as she was careful. 

“And what about Lexa and you? How are you both doing?” Clarke couldn’t help it; her reaction was purely instinctive. “We’re great, yeah. Everything’s fine.” She swallowed the lump in her throat, surprised at the sudden, furious protectiveness surging through her. What Lexa and she had was sacred, and judging from the emotions kicked up inside her, not something to share. “I’m sorry Mom; I’m not ready.”

To her credit, Abby pivoted instantly. “That’s okay. Just...give her my love. I’d like to talk to her sometime, if she’d be open to that.”

Clarke frowned. “I can’t speak for Lexa, Mom. But I’ll ask her if she’s up for it eventually.”

“That’s all I ask, darling, thank you.” For the first time on the call, Clarke heard a note of warmth creep into her mother’s voice. She sighed, changing the subject; the path to reconciliation was paved with countless awkward silences and stilted conversations, she realized. They chatted for a little while more, catching up on other benign things, until a beep alerted her to her dying phone battery. After saying goodbye, Clarke lay on her bed for a long time, lost in her thoughts, listening to the sounds of the house, of the waves, of Raven and Luna leaving in a final flurry of activity, until the day had faded to twilight and Lexa came up to find her.

“Hi,” Lexa looked up from her phone as stood in the door to Clarke’s room. “That go okay?”

Clarke smiled at her, instantly feeling better. “Fine. As well it could have, I guess.” She sat up halfway, resting her head on one hand. “Do you mind if I don’t want to talk about it just yet?” 

Lexa shook her head, watching her carefully. “Of course not. Whenever you want to, if you want to.” She made her way to the bed, flopping down next to Clarke on her back, kissing her quickly. “I finished the proposal for the foundation; sent it to Gustus.” 

Clarke shifted closer to her, running her fingers through her hair and over her face. “And you started what, this morning? Lexa, that’s huge!” She paused; there was something else, she could see it in the slight tenseness of Lexa’s jaw. “What is it?”

Lexa brought Clarke’s fingers to her lips, kissing the tip of each one slowly before holding onto her hand. “Well, Gustus told me today that the Woods Group AGM’s been moved up to next month. So that means we don’t have very much time to fix up the proposal. He suggested that I go down there to finalize it with him.”

Clarke looked at her, relieved. “That’s it? And here I thought something was up. You’ve been talking about visiting them for months. Indra will be over the moon.”

Lexa smiled. “Yeah, I miss them.” She looked searchingly into Clarke’s eyes. “You're sure you won’t mind? It’ll be for a couple of weeks.”

Clarke shook her head vigorously. “Of course not, Lex, they’re your family. You need to go see them.” She leaned in for a kiss. “I’ll miss you though. When do you leave?” She sighed as she felt Lexa’s ams wrap around her, pulling her on top, closer. “Me too.” Lexa said in between kisses. “After Election Day. So let’s make the most of it.” 

Clarke raised her head. “What did you have in mind?”

“Well, you’re with stuck this old bore, and we aren’t partying it up like it's the COVIDpocalypse, but do you want to go to the bike parade still?”

Clarke grinned. “Well, lucky for you, I vibe just right with this old bore; I kind of don’t anymore, honestly.” She nuzzled Lexa’s nose with her own. “What _was_ that shade about anyway?”

Lexa shrugged. “Maybe she’s the awkward type. But Raven seems happy, so there’s that. I’ll give them both the benefit of the doubt this time.” She reached for her phone. “We need to get going, by the way.”

Clarke sat up, not understanding. “Where? I thought we were staying in.”

Lexa shook her head. “Just because we got offloaded by the cool kids doesn’t mean we’re chained to the couch.” She stood up, holding out her hand to Clarke. “Come on, I’m taking you on a date.” Despite her best efforts, Clarke couldn’t get another word about it out of Lexa, except that it was probably going to be chilly, and to bundle up.

An hour later, they were pulling into a fifties-style drive-in theatre at the foot of the hills outside of the city; Clarke read off the billboard as Lexa got them tickets: _Queer horror thruple: Vampire Lovers, The Rocky Picture Horror Show and The Hunger_. 

“How did you even find this place?” Clarke said a few minutes later, as she walked back to the car from the concession stand, her arms full of snacks, her voice muffled by her mask.

Lexa shrugged, as she arranged the blankets and pillows at the back of the Jeep. “Luck or boredom. What else are our people going to do on one of our most fun celebrations of the year?” She patted the space next to her, helping Clarke into the car. They sat side by side, munching on their food, watching the drive-in gradually fill up until the show finally began. It was only much later, when Clarke was huddled in Lexa’s arms as they enjoyed the campy musical playing out before them under the stars that she realized the reason behind Lexa’s hesitation to visit Indra and Gustus: Luna’s tactless comment had cut Lexa deep. 

Tightening her arms around Lexa, Clarke willed her to see that she understood. Not taking her eyes off the screen, Lexa kissed her temple a few times, as if in implicit acknowledgment. Circles, and things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hi! It's been a rather long minute hasn't it? Sorry, I meant to update my darling firstborn sooner, but...life happened. I've been buried under work, and slowly digging myself out; almost breaking the surface, folks! But, it's Day 2 of the Longwinded US Elections 2020, and my coping mechanism is to write up a storm, so expect another update (or more, depending on how long we're in limbo) pretty soon.
> 
> How are you all doing? Depending on where you are in the world, you may or may not be back in lockdown, sitting up half the night for the second one in a row watching the polls and votes, yo-yo, or celebrating your own hard fought victories for fundamental human rights (looking at you, South Korea and Poland!) 
> 
> I haven't forgotten to respond to your lovely comments, thank you so much, I really cherish and enjoy them so much! I'm finally getting to them, I promise. But they feed me, omnomnom, so keep them coming if you like. 
> 
> Oh, and currently offering my services to my American friends as an Emotional Support Canadian during the 2020 elections. [Yes this is a thing, albeit a tongue in cheek one.](https://www.ctvnews.ca/world/america-votes/emotional-support-canadians-offer-to-help-americans-stressed-by-u-s-election-1.5173970) Though some of you know how deeply and personally invested I am in this election. Ste yuj, kru, we'll get through this latest mess, too.


	73. This must be the place

“...And now, live from the Newsroom, another Quick-Break Update. We’re here, in the belly of the beast, so to speak. Right behind me, behind this bulletproof glass, is where crucial votes, every single one of them, are being counted. As we know, this _is_ one of the counties where the Republicans are leading by a slim margin, one that seems to be reducing rapidly with every swathe of mail-in votes that is tallied. Oh, excuse me folks, we have a new development….” The news anchor trailed off, with voices in the background rushing in to fill the silence. In her bedroom across from Clarke’s and the TV’s, Lexa looked up, tilting her head sideways, bracing herself. Maybe this was it; the moment the entire country, and the whole world, probably, had been holding its breath for, for close to a week now. She began raising herself off the floor, and was half up when she heard the words float through the door. “And I have just been told we have another 35,000 votes tallied. Which brings the Democrats in the lead by about...2960 votes. Of course, that’s just this county. Overall, Biden leads the state by 49.7%, but we’re still not quite there yet, folks….Stay tuned.” Lexa sighed, sitting back down; her heart was racing.

“Are you fucking kidding me? _Again_?” Raven’s voice rang through the house from across the hallway. Within moments, she appeared at Lexa’s door. “I can’t take this shit anymore, ISTFG; why can’t they just call it and put us out of our misery?”

Lexa shook her head, wryly. “2020 is the gift that just keeps on giving, huh?” 

Raven drummed her fingers on the doorway as she rolled her eyes. “I need out; I’m meeting Luna for brunch. Text me if the sky falls?” She paused, eyeing Lexa. “You good, Woods? Haven’t had much chance to catch up; which is weird, considering we live together.”

Lexa raised an eyebrow. “I can think of at least one reason why.” She watched Raven open and close her mouth. 

“Okay, yeah, fine, I’ll admit, I’ve been uh, distracted. With Luna.” Raven folded her arms tightly. “But like, I just figured you and Clarke have each other. And need your alone time….” The words died on her tongue; Lexa didn’t need to point out the weakness of her argument.

“Ray, I get it; you do you. We’re both happy for you. It’s just….I know Clarke misses you, that’s all. She’s got a lot going on with school and stuff; and I’m the only one she gets to talk to about it.” 

Raven nodded. “Friends versus lovers, huh?”

“We’re both; you know that. But, I’m not you.” Lexa shrugged. “Clarke needs her ride-or-die.” It was a fact. “Trust me, I would know the value of that.”

“Anya?” 

“Yeah.” Lexa looked away; what she wouldn’t have given to see her in the flesh right about now. 

Raven was silent for a few moments, contemplating something. “Senior year, when Clarke and you were inseparable, I used to think you’d both forgotten about the rest of us. About me.” 

“The selfishness of lovers. Or whatever we were then.”

“Lovers.” Raven nodded in agreement. “There isn’t another word for it, Woods. I can’t believe I didn’t see it then, wow. But, I used to think you were her ride-or-die.” She paused. “Though that hasn’t really changed, huh?”

Lexa shrugged, locking eyes with Raven. “I’d still die for her.”

“Eh, don’t even joke about it. Always with the dark humour, Lexa.” Raven rapped her knuckles against the doorframe. “This shitastic year doesn’t need any more ideas.” They were both quiet; Lexa knew Raven knew she wasn’t joking. The thought of laying everything down for Clarke, even herself, didn’t scare her. She simply knew it to be the inalienable truth.

The loud buzzing of Raven’s phone startled them. She glanced down at it, then looked up at Lexa. “It’s Luna. I gotta go, Lex, sorry. But, I hear you. I’ll ask Clarke when she’s up for something. Maybe the three of us can do a low-key hangout this week?”

“Thanks, Ray. Clarke would love that; go on without me. I’m headed to Indra and Gustus’ tomorrow, remember?” Raven’s face fell a little. “But when I’m back, I’m blocking you off for me. We used to be inseparable once, too.” 

Raven flashed her a bright smile; it was tinged with more than a little nostalgia. “No reason that can’t happen again. You’re on, Woods. Later.” Raven turned to leave with a quick wave. 

A few minutes later, Lexa heard the front door shut; she was alone. The television droned on, the single voice replaced by a cacophony of talking heads; Lexa peeked into the box next to her, and spotted an old envelope; she recognized Costia’s choppy handwriting on the front: _Figured you could do with the memories, since you can’t have the company._ It was full of the grinning faces of her friends, against backdrops that once filled her waking senses, but now, in the agony and ecstasy of the past nine months, had faded into a near past, lightspeeding cleanly away. She looked through the pictures, pausing to notice the candid moments in between the posed ones - one of herself sitting on the front steps of her bungalow, pointing off-camera, mid-laugh; another one of about twelve of her friends planking across a horizontal coconut palm, the photo catching the exact moment Anya had lost her balance and begun to fall forward; the first time she had come face to face with an elephant, and Lexa recalled how humbled she had felt in its majestic presence; her awestruck face reminded her even now. She laughed at the next one; her back turned, she was in animated conversation with the _mahout_ , even as a slender trunk reached into her rucksack, pilfering an apple from her lunch. She hadn’t even noticed at the time. 

Lexa sighed, running a hand through her hair as the realization struck her; she missed her old self - the one who had a sense of purpose, a plan, a journey to go on. She needed _that_ Lexa back - the one with her feet on the ground, head in sky, staunchly carrying on, the one who knew nothing was wrong. Puffing out her cheeks, she looked around her room; it was starting to feel like hers with the stuff from Goa she was unpacking, but then, it wasn’t quite enough either. “Space.” She muttered under her breath. “It’s just a place, not my space.” She looked back down to the remaining photos, wondering what to do with this latest revelation. Shuffling through them quickly, she realized that Costia hadn’t included any of just the two of them; where they were before her now, it was always amongst others. Huh. Lexa set them aside; she guessed this was all part of the fallout, of the process of picking out the shards from your skin post-explosion, on the way to healing. Maybe this is how Costia had felt, without choice. Turning back to the box, she tried to shake off the creep of numbness within her.

Her hand found one of her physics journals; opening it, she was lost in the universe of numbers and letters; rifling through its pages, she ran her fingers over the ink, remembering the countless repetitions she had made herself go through, the endless cycles of digits and alphabets, her furious attempts to to decode a language that, once she learned the key to, rolled off her tongue like poetry. She paused at a particularly tough quantum sequence; she remembered working on that one; it had been a couple of years ago, in late May, right before her university had let out for break; it had been the height of the heat, and Goa had been subjected to merciless, constant, rolling power cuts. That particular night had been especially rough; she’d thrown the windows of her little bungalow open, but the cloying stillness had only made her restlessness worse. She had taken her books to the front porch, where she had set up all the candles she could find in a half-circle, slipping into a bikini as she had settled onto the pile of straw mats on the floor, sipping on iced water, taking a hit or two off her joint before putting it out, and occasionally raising her head to take in the moonlight cascading across the waves, marvelling at the earth even as she lost herself in the stars.

Lexa’s eyes fell onto the margins of her journal; she’d probably taken to doodling at some point, drowsy from the heat and lulled into a dream by the soft, fragrant night. She grinned as she looked through the stick figures, the song lyrics, her practicing some of the Konkani words that she had learnt from Costia and her friends. She skimmed the transliterations in the margins, muttering the words under her breath, as she repeated their English meanings simultaneously. “ _Mazo gao.._..I’m from. _Maka tika naka.._..I don’t like it spicy.” Costia had always laughed at that, and suggestively reminded her that it wasn’t true at all. Lexa chuckled softly, reading on. “ _Hanv tuza mog kortam.._..I love you.” She paused; how many times had she heard that phrase fall from Costia’s lips, and how many times had she never said it back, in any language?

The script had changed now; she must have been practicing some Hindi that night, too. Her eyes trailed over the convoluted patterns, the intricate letters threaded together by horizontal lines; she had been fascinated by the language the first time she had seen it written out, and her hobby of picking up letters and phrases off people and signboards and practicing them had paid off a little in the end. By the time she had left Goa, she had been able to converse in Hindi largely without help from English loaners, and even now, as her fingers traced the strokes of Devanagari across the letters she had written over and over that night, she was able to read most of them without difficulty. “ _लेक्सा_ ...Lexa. _ये कहाँ आ गए हम_ ?....How did we end up in this place?” Lexa chewed on her bottom lip; she really had no recollection of writing these down; she’d either been really tired, or really high; in hindsight, it had probably been both. “ _मैं तुमसे बहुत प्यार करती हूँ_ ….I love you so damn much.” She was at the bottom of the sheet now. Here it came; Lexa turned the page, holding her breath. Who in the world had she been thinking of that night, in her summer reverie?

“... _क्लार्क_ ….Clarke.” Wow. She ran her thumb over the word, over and over again. “Clarke. Clarke.” Inevitable. And inescapable. And it had always been plain to see, if she had only opened her eyes sooner.

“Much as I love walking in on my girlfriend daydreaming about me…” Lexa’s head snapped up as Clarke strode in, her teasing smile matching the twinkle in her eyes. “Do you want to tell me why you’re sitting on the floor sighing my name into the ether?” Lexa flushed deeply, not trusting herself to speak. Setting her bag down, Clarke straddled Lexa’s hips, sliding into her lap, capturing her lips in a long kiss, slipping her arms around Lexa’s neck. As their mouths slid against one another, Lexa cupped Clarke’s face, warming her cold cheeks, and even though Clarke moaned at her touch, it was Lexa who was thawing inside. There wasn’t a better feeling than this; the sense of pure, unadulterated belonging, the inescapable feeling of _home_. As Clarke’s tongue found hers, Lexa gave in to the toe-curling, head-spinning, soulrush that cocooned her; finally, she was _here_. In Clarke’s arms, surrounded by her, Lexa was exactly where she was always meant to be. For now, that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finding (and losing) home is such a mood, isn't it?
> 
> Also, feel free to correct my Konkani, please. If you find a better way to say it, let me know.


	74. So much shouting, so much laughter

There was something different about Lexa; Clarke could tell the moment she had stepped into the bedroom, and now, with their mouths locked in an embrace, it was palpable; she could feel the restlessness moving in her but there was that something else, and she couldn’t put a finger on it. Clarke sighed, moving nearer so she rested herself on Lexa, hoping her weight would help calm the agitation some; Lexa only held her face more firmly, her kisses deepening almost desperately. It was as if she couldn’t get close enough. Clarke pulled Lexa tighter, her hands in Lexa’s hair, curling the tendrils at the base of her neck. Lexa, caressing the outside of her thighs, hoisted her up and wrapped Clarke’s legs around her waist, pushing into her; even through the barriers of clothing, Clarke was shaken by her intensity. Thinking it was skin Lexa was craving, Clarke broke off their kiss and crossed her arms downwards to the edges of her sweater, ready to take it off in one swoop. Instead, Lexa, eyes dark, lunged forward and rested her head on Clarke’s shoulder, burying her nose into her neck. Caught off guard, Clarke dropped her arms to her side; Lexa inhaled her scent in great lungfuls, breaking the surface of a frigid lake of her own making. Clarke stroked her hair, letting Lexa take her time. She had seen the shield go up; if she wasn’t careful, she wouldn’t get a word out of Lexa. Finally, when she felt the other woman relax her hold a little, she spoke softly into her ear, “Lex, talk to me.”

The subtle break in Clarke’s voice, otherwise low and calm, reflected the concern she tried to keep at bay. For Lexa, it might as well have been a wrecking ball, smashing through. Finding the words at last, she looked up at Clarke, smiling shyly. “I’m so glad you’re home.”

Clarke, missing the multitudes in her words, grinned back, relieved. “Me too. I finished up as quickly as I could. And I didn’t want to be away from you too long.” The slight heaviness of Lexa’s leaving hung between them, unspoken but insistent. She kissed Lexa, trying not to let the prickle of sadness she felt inside show. “And everything takes longer these days; the library line was out the door.” Clarke shivered. “Cold, too.” Lexa rubbed her arms, adoration written all over her face. Clarke felt the heat rising to her cheeks; she wasn’t sure what she had done to deserve it, but she would repeat it over and over in sheer oblivion if Lexa would only keep looking at her like that. She watched Lexa carefully. Whatever the turmoil was, it was passing. There was more, but she knew now that Lexa would open up about it, eventually. “Everything okay, Lex?”

Lexa nodded, debating how much to tell Clarke; it was a fine line, keeping a beautiful secret from someone to wait for them to figure it out, eventually, and sharing it, if only to bask in the delight of mutual gratification; in the end, it was mystery that won. She kissed Clarke once more, watching the worry leave her face, before waving a hand around the room. “Yeah, all this….just made me a little nostalgic.” She shook her head. “It’s weird, having these pieces of my old life floating around here. It’s nice, but feels a bit like….debris?”

“Flotsam and jetsam?” Clarke said at the exact same time; she’d sensed Lexa’s increasing restlessness as she’d unpacked the boxes from Goa. She got it; just like the physical space of Lexa’s room was taken up with the awkward overflow of things, she could sense the trappings of Lexa’s old, full life bursting at the seams the four walls had confined it in. She sighed, wishing there was something she could do other than kisses and caresses, to comfort Lexa. She rolled off her, standing up. “Well, how about we get out of this beautiful shipwreck and into the trainwreck next door?” She jerked her thumb at her room; the TV commentary audible and in full swing from it. Helping Lexa up, she pointed to the last remaining box. “Bring that, if you want. I can help you through it if you like.” Grateful, Lexa squeezed her hand before letting go. Picking the box up, she followed Clarke into her room.

*******

“Think we’re going to have our faith in democracy restored today?” Clarke dipped a carrot stick in hummus, took a hearty bite and looked up at the television. Ob/Gyn textbook balanced on her knees, with Gryffin swatting at packaging material at her feet and her left hip touching Lexa’s right beside her, Clarke thought this was as good a way as any to wait out the dreariness of the election results being called.

Lexa snorted. “Or maybe just that this country hasn’t completely lost both its mind and its humanity, for a second time.” She pulled out the remaining few items; finally, she was almost through sorting her stuff. “It was so fucking humiliating.”

“Having to justify the 2016 results?”

“There was no justifying _those_.” Lexa shook her head. “No, it was the realization that so many people in the country that I thought I knew and missed were so opposed to my own values and ideals; the construct of this place that I carried in my heart with me just felt hollow.” She paused. “It was devastating, honestly.”

Clarke nodded, remembering. “Yeah, we walked around in shell shocked silence for almost a week. It was like the air had been sucked out of the world.” She turned her head to Lexa. “What did your friends from other countries have to say about it? Did they laugh at us? I wouldn’t have blamed them.”

Lexa swiped her thumb across her phone screen, unlocking it to show Clarke a group chat thread. “Pretty much the same thing they are now.”

Clarke scrolled through the messages that had come through over the past week; “ _Americaaaaa, free us from our misery”_ ; “ _Bring the damn eagle back, enough with the vultures”; “Lexa, thinking of you; sending big hugs your way.” “Don’t fuck this up, USA (if you do, we still love you, Lex!)”_

“Huh.” Clarke said. “Guess I shouldn’t make assumptions.”

Lexa kissed her cheek. “It’s our pride in our democracy, even if it’s super flawed. But as Astro once told me, most other democracies have lived through some kind of political horror show that has completely upended their governments at least a few times already; so in a way, the world gets it.” She looked at the latest vote tally showing the fight of red and blue sweeping across the squared off counties on screen. “It was comforting. But I sure as hell don’t want to have to live through it again.” The broadcast switched to commercials, which was a welcome respite; she muted the volume. For a few minutes, the only sound in the room was of Gryffin leaping through crackling packing material, lost in his own version of a paper chase, starting and stopping abruptly, spooked by his own ghostliness.

“Oh.” Lexa couldn’t hide her surprise as she unwrapped the cloth around the last thing left. 

She looked up at Clarke, who raised her eyebrows, almost comically. “Now that’s a package.” 

Lexa let out a short laugh, not quite sure what to do; in her hands was the very first strap-on Costia and she had used. “Umm.” 

Clarke felt her face stretch into a smile she didn’t quite feel all the way; then, she realized she couldn’t do it; neither did she want to. She scratched her eyebrow. “Wow, it must be a special one, to travel all the way.”

Lexa, picking up the edge in Clarke’s voice, said, “It is.” Seeing Clarke’s mouth drop open, she said hurriedly, “No, not like that.” 

Clarke stared at her, unconvinced. There was a whirlwind brewing inside of her, and she was caught in its spiral.

In the folds of the cloth was a note. Lexa picked it up, and skimming it, handed it to Clarke. “Look, here, read it.”

Clarke’s gaze travelled across the words: _Lexa, I hope it isn’t too weird, but I think you should be the one to decide what to do with this. - Costia._

Clarke looked up at Lexa. “See, it’s weird. Even Costia thought it’s weird. Then, why the hell would she send it to you?” She looked away; was she making a big deal out of nothing? She felt Lexa’s gentle touch on her chin, willing their eyes to meet; in Lexa’s she saw nothing but sincerity and understanding. “Clarke, it’s weird; I get that. And I’m not going to keep it. But hear me out, okay?”

Clarke nodded, biting her suddenly trembling lip, trying to quell her apprehension.

******

“Wait, wait, Costia, slow down. What do you mean you’re in _jail_?” Lexa paced outside the classroom, trying to keep her voice down, even as the professor’s monotone drifted through the open window. 

“I mean, it’s at Uncle Xavi’s little _chowki_ , so he hasn’t booked me in or anything, but can you please come and tell him that I’m not involved in a fucking drug ring? He’s convinced I’m hiding something….” Costia’s voice trailed off.

Lexa sighed; Costia was hiding something, it was so obvious. “Okay, well, I’ll be right there. Don’t go anywhere.” She added, unnecessarily.

Costia snorted. “Seriously, Lexa?” She paused. “Hurry though, I don’t want Baba to find out. Uncle Xavi’s losing his patience.”

Lexa clicked off the call, glancing into the classroom; there were still about 2 hours of class to go. Turning to leave, she texted her friend, asking for her books and laptop to be taken home; she’d have to swing by later to pick them up.

The beautiful, old mansion towered before Lexa as she stopped at its gates; she inhaled once deeply, for courage. Uncle Xavi, Costia’s father’s brother, was a greying, portly man who always sang the loudest and laughed the heartiest at every family party she’d been to. Lexa had taken an instant liking to him, and always enjoyed the countless seafaring stories of his youth he recounted with glee. He was also the Chief of Police; the “little” station Costia had brushed off was the headquarters of the Goa Police and Uncle Xavi’s office. Lexa shook her head; this was definitely a first.

“Ah, Lexa, my dear, so good to see you.” Uncle Xavi, clad head to toe in uniform, was almost unrecognizable in his sternness, except for the familiar gleam in his eyes. “Take a seat. Shall I ring for _chai_?”

Lexa sat down, tentatively. “No, thank you, Uncle Xavi.” She cleared her throat. “Costia called me. She said she’s...here?”

He nodded, his mouth firming up. “Yes, and she will be, until she tells me why she was in the bazaar at the time we were conducting an undercover raid.” Pausing, he templed his fingers. “You know she’s like my own daughter, Lexa. And if she’s caught up with anything wrong….”

Lexa shook her head vigorously. “She’d never go down that route.” All the same, why had Costia been at _that_ bazaar, anyway? It definitely was out of time and place for her. “Let me speak to her. I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation.”

Uncle Xavi nodded as he picked up his telephone. “I just want to be sure, that’s all. She’s such a stubborn one.”

A few minutes later, Lexa found herself being escorted to the day-holding cells; they were all empty, except for one. 

“Lexa!” Costia rushed to the front, grabbing the bars, relief written all over her face. “Thank fuck! I was beginning to think Uncle Xavi was serious about leaving me in here all day.”

Lexa reached through and touched her face; the guard had left them alone, but she knew he was lurking outside the door.

Lowering her voice, she asked, “Cos, are you alright? What’s going on? Why were you at the bazaar? And why won’t you tell Uncle Xavi?”

Costia puffed out her cheeks. “This is so stupid. I _can’t_. I can’t tell him why.”

“What? Why not?” Lexa paused. “You weren’t….”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I run the best party bar in town. There is no way in hell I would ever get mixed up in shit like a drug ring….” Costia frowned. 

Lexa squeezed her hand. “No, I _know_ that, Cos. Just, what’s the big deal? He’ll let you go if you tell him why.”

To her surprise, Costia’s eyes filled with tears; then she covered her mouth, and began giggling loudly. Lexa waited for the emotional joyride to subside. Then, she tried again. “Costia, why were you there?”

Raising a hand to her chest, Costia finally stopped to catch her breath. She beckoned for Lexa to come closer. When she did, she whispered the answer to her. “That’s where Anjali said I’d find a strap on. That flower vendor woman.” She grinned. “I almost got it, too. But the fucking raid happened, and I wasn’t expecting Joachim of all people to be there; and he’s just such a damn snitch, he wouldn’t let me explain, and took me straight to Uncle Xavi. So, of course I can’t tell him the real reason why.”

Lexa pinched the bridge of her nose; Costia’s mean-spirited, brown-nosing ex _would_ be one to do her in. India’s stringent laws on obscenity were a ridiculous and outdated catch-all for anything that would ruffle traditional feathers, even in a relatively laid back place like Goa. She knew the workaround to that was the teeming underground sex toy market, covered up by the unlikeliest of fronts. “It’s not worth the trouble, Cos.” She could understand Costia’s hesitation to bring it up, especially on the family front.

Costia shrugged. “I wanted to surprise you.”

Lexa shook her head; of course. “What am I going to do with you?”

Costia smirked at her. “Well, find a way to get me out of here, first. Then, we’ll see.”

******

“Holy shit.” Clarke wiped a couple of tears from her eyes; she was laughing so hard. “This is unreal. So, how did you get her out?”

Lexa found her heart soaring at the sound of Clarke’s mirth. “We told him she was there to inquire about some off-season fish, since they were my favourite. She’d heard of an illegal fishing operation coming back with small amounts, but turns out it was a rumour. We said Costia was embarrassed to tell him she was about to break the fishing law, being his niece and stuff. Surprisingly, he bought it.” She pointed to the strap on. “It was easier to make up a fake crime than tell him about _that._ ”

Clarke shook her head. “Wow. How did you end up getting it in the end?”

An impish smile played on Lexa’s lips. “Flower delivery.” Watching Clarke double up with hilarity again made her laugh harder. She waited for Clarke to stop. “Anyway, so that’s why she sent it to me.”

Once she had composed herself, Clarke’s tone was more serious. “I get that. It’s just….” She puffed her cheeks out, trying to say it the right way. “You two have so much history; it's intimidating. This wild, happy past. You had an “us” that was so full.” She stopped; the uncertainty was back. “We don’t have that, Lex.” 

“Yet.” Lexa interjected. 

Clarke waved her hand in agreement, continuing. “Yet. Yeah, we’re working on it, I know. I just worry sometimes that I can’t give you stories that are like that, or something more interesting, or...different. What if I’m just a pale comparison to your old life?”

Lexa shushed her, gently. If Clarke only knew how new she had made her existence just by walking back into it, and how absolutely incomparable she was. “Clarke, she cheated on me.” 

Clarke’s eyes widened. “I would _never_ do that to you.” She reached for Lexa’s hand, holding it tight. Just the thought made her nauseous.

“I know.” Lexa said simply, kissing her softly. “And that’s the difference. That makes everything new with you. And we’re going to have so many stories, I promise you.” Clarke let the words sink in, as she rested her head on Lexa’s shoulder. “There’s always been an 'us'.” Lexa said softly. “Now we just have to live it.” She kissed the top of Clarke’s head. They sat side by side in silence, until the sound of the television startled them. Gryffin had pounced on the remote and turned the sound back on; they enjoyed his antics for a few minutes more.

“Come on.” Lexa patted Clarke’s thigh, standing up, the strap on, packing cloth and note in one hand. “Do we have any shovels?”

Clarke nodded. “In the basement. But, why?”

A few minutes later, it became obvious. In a corner of the garden, by the rose bush, Lexa had dug a small hole. Face flushed, a triumphant smile playing on her lips, she placed the strap on, wrapped in the maroon cloth it came in, into the ground. Resting against the shovel, she set her face in mock solemness. “To the ludicrous lengths we went to, under the ludicrously named ludicrous Indian Penal Code.” In between chuckles, they covered it up and headed back upstairs, hand in hand. Clarke couldn’t stop smiling; somehow, Lexa had managed to quell her insecurity and fix one of her deepest fears, all in between a few belly laughs. This woman didn’t just know her heart, she accepted it in all its glorious fallacies. Right about then, Clarke felt like the luckiest person on the planet.

The television erupted just as they walked into the room. “And with that, we can now predict that Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. will be the 46th President of the United States. And that makes Kamala Harris the first woman, and the first person of colour, to be elected to the office of the Vice President.” They turned to each other, eyes wide, arms thrown around each other in tight hugs, jumping up and down with tears of relief streaming down their faces, whooping with joy, Gryffin watching in horrified fascination from under the bed. Finally, Clarke grabbed Lexa by the front of her sweatshirt, and kissed her hard. “Lexa, I love democracy, and I love YOU!”


	75. My darkest friend

“You should go,” Clarke whispered against Lexa’s lips, before locking them down to her own. Their mouths slid against each other in the cold morning air, wisps of breath escaping between them occasionally, carrying with them the words neither one was prepared to say. “Lunch. You need to be there for lunch.” She managed to say between kisses, digging her fists into the front of Lexa’s jacket, tethering herself.

“Okay.” Lexa, breathed, eyes hooded, mouth leaving an even line of kisses along Clarke’s jawline; they would be her breadcrumb trail home. “Yes, I should get on the road.” Arms tightening around Clarke’s waist, she stood up taller, firming her hold on the ground beneath her feet. 

They stood like that for a while, just two lovers reenacting the farewells of countless others across aeons. What felt like theirs alone, though, were the particular wounds welted across their hearts; love’s cuts unique in their dark friendship, and in their unforgiving depth. 

“I’ll be back in time for your finals.” Lexa held Clarke’s face in her hands, willing her fingers to remember the shape, the skin, the softness, the only map to guide her through the coming nights. “Two weeks.” She looked deep into Clarke’s blue, blue eyes, reminding herself that this time was different; there was no leaving this time; just a temporary parting. All the same, the trepidation in them broke her heart a little and she kissed Clarke again, showing her everything that she couldn’t say.

This time, it would be two weeks, not ten years, Clarke told herself, her heart thundering in her chest. Sighing into Lexa’s mouth, she pushed aside the voice telling her otherwise. What had once been an anchor that had gotten her through the storm of losing Lexa the last time was now only a ball and chain dragging her to the bottom of an ocean of doubt. “Go.” She stroked Lexa’s hair, running her fingers across her eyebrows, cheekbones, the corners of her mouth, before leaning in for another kiss. “So you can come back.” 

“I love you.” Lexa kissed her hands, disentangling them from her lapels, before slipping into the rental before she could change her mind. Drawing the window down, she aimed for levity. “Try and miss me a little bit?”

Clarke flashed her a weak smile. “No promises; I’ll do my best.” Her eyes and her lips told Lexa a completely different story. 

With what she hoped was a reassuring smile and wave, Lexa was gone, watching the keeper of her heart get smaller and smaller until she was an unforgettable speck in the distance. 

Clarke waited until she saw the car blur on the faraway horizon, and only then did she drop her shoulders in defeat, exhaling slowly. Fourteen days, six hours, forty-three minutes and seventeen seconds to go; but who was counting?

*******

“Well, that was one long detour.” Indra flung the door open smiling, just as Lexa shut the lid of the trunk, a leather duffel bag in each hand, her backpack slung over one shoulder. Lexa looked up, her grin getting wider with each step. “And a very belated homecoming, I know.” Once inside the marble foyer, she dropped her bags, turning to kiss Indra on each cheek, before succumbing to her hug. Pulling apart, Indra smiled at her fondly, slightly misty-eyed. “You’re here now. And _safe_.” She squeezed Lexa’s shoulders, taking one of the bags from her. “Come on; Gustus will be home any minute now; he can’t wait to see you.”

They made their way upstairs and to Lexa’s old room at the other end of the house. Lexa paused, looking around. No matter how many times she had done this, it always took a minute; refitting into the life suspended within those four walls, soaking up glimpses of pasts caught in the amber of countless moments, even as she felt herself expanding to fill up the spaces with new memories; the effect always left her breathless with the pressure of having to be young and old all at once. 

As if sensing her asymmetry, Indra began her way out. “I’ll give you a few minutes to get settled; I’ll just be in the kitchen.” Already, the delectable smells of her cooking were wafting in, breaking into Lexa’s thoughts; her stomach growled. “Be right down, Aunt Indra.” 

She unpacked quickly, glancing down at her phone; Clarke was probably still in class, and would be for the rest of the afternoon. Dashing off a quick text telling her she’d reached fine, Lexa tucked her phone in the back pocket of her jeans and went downstairs in search of food and conversation. 

“And the prodigal child returns!” Gustus’ voice boomed at her even before she had fully seen him, and a few seconds later she was encased in a bear hug nearly knocking the wind out of her. “I was beginning to think you’d forgotten about us.”

“Never!” Lex feigned outrage. “Dagger to my heart.” She leaned in, pecking a bearded cheek. “Hi, Uncle Gus.” 

“Hi, my darling.” With another bone crushing hug, Lexa found herself released; she began her way to Indra, intending to help with serving lunch.

“Uh uh, don’t worry, go sit down, Lexa. There’s nothing to be done.” Indra waved her away, setting a steaming plate down before her.

“Yes! Crack carrot soup!”

Gustus laughed. “Wait until you see what’s for dinner. Your aunt has every one of your favourites planned out for the next fortnight.” He picked up his spoon, glee written plainly across this face. “I really do enjoy your visits, Lexa.” He looked like a slightly maniacal king, feasting at his throne.

Lexa giggled, turning to Indra as she sat down. “You spoil me. Thank you.” 

Indra patted her hand. “That’s because you don’t do it yourself.” The corners of her mouth quirked. “Though it seems like Clarke is doing quite well in that department.”

Lexa felt the blush rising up her cheeks. Indra wasn’t wasting any time, as usual. Memories of just _how_ Clarke had spoiled her the night before flooded her thoughts; she cleared her throat, fumbling around to find a response. “Yeah, she’s perfect….at that. And everything else, pretty much.”

Indra and Gustus exchanged knowing smiles as Lexa composed herself, ears burning.

“So, I looked over your proposal.” Gustus said finally, dunking a piece of bread in his soup. “It’s good. Very good.”

Lexa looked up, relieved for the distraction. “Does it need a lot more work?”

Gustus shook his head. “No; maybe a couple of days. The bones are all there. I can help you with the rest.” He paused, chewing thoughtfully. “You’ve chosen an interesting structure for it, though.”

“A private foundation versus a public charity? I thought it made more sense, since I’ll be making the seed donation.” Lexa wiggled her eyebrows at him. “See, Uncle Gus? I was paying attention.”

Gustus nodded, a slow smile on this face. “You, through the Woods Group, yes. But, you’re going to need the Board on your side.” 

Indra raised her eyebrows, sipping on some water. “Now won’t that be something.”

Lexa nodded, folding her arms. “How hard can it be to convince them? We’re doing a _good_ thing here. If nothing else, they’ll be swayed by the tax benefits argument, right?”

Gustus scratched his beard thoughtfully. “That’s just one side of it, Lexa. The Board is...happy with the status quo. As it stands, they make all the decisions, and knowing them, as you do too, they won’t take lightly to interference with their day to day.”

“Interference? But it’s _my_ family’s conglomerate.” Lexa frowned.

“I know. But you’ve not shown an interest or desire to be involved in the executive management or corporate governance side of things….until now.” Gustus studied her face, as she winced. “That’s not a bad thing, Lexa. I’d rather you be ready than be pushed into something you don’t want to do.” He wiped his mouth with a napkin. “But, it’s going to take some maneuvering, especially with the new appointments.” 

Lexa chewed on her bottom lip; she knew exactly what he meant. “I have so much to learn about all this.” She looked across the table, her gaze travelling back and forth between Indra and Gustus. “What do you suggest I do?”

“Keep your chin up. And use your diplomatic skills. I know you’ve got that part of Victoria in you.” Gustus smiled at her.

“And what you need, Lexa, is an ally.” Indra’s tone was firm, but gentle. “Someone who’s on your side, no matter what. Because the Board certainly doesn’t have a reason to be yet.” 

“But anybody I know and trust is going to be an outsider, too.”

“An outsider, yes. But not another _Woods_.” Gustus looked at her pointedly. “Someone with the right credentials who knows you for long enough and can speak to your sincerity and intentions, could go a long way in helping convince the Board. They’ll just need comfort that you aren’t coming to to strong-arm them into doing your bidding.”

“No, of course not. I only want to be involved with the foundation. From what I can see, they’re doing a fine job of the rest of it.” Lexa waved her hand, dismissively. “An ally, though. Hmm.” She stood up, gathering the dishes and carrying them to the sink. Rolling up her sleeves, she began soaping them up. 

“A friend from your Ph.D. program? Or college, maybe?” Indra mused. 

And then, she saw the answer clearly, as if it was written in the suds themselves. “I have it!” She turned around, slamming the wet sponge on the counter. “Oh, sorry.” Wiping up the mess, she began describing her plan excitedly. By the time she had finished, both Gustus and Indra were nodding vigorously. “Excellent choice, if it works. I can’t imagine anyone better, actually.” Gustus’ satisfied expression told her he was proud of her.

“You’d best get on it. What with quarantine rules and everything.” Indra poked around in the fridge. “Dessert?”

“Yes, please. Though I’m going to take it upstairs and see if I can set this in motion.” Lexa dashed off a text message, drumming her fingers on the table impatiently. In a few moments, she was bounding up the stairs, two at a time. Flopping down on the bed with her laptop, she waited for the Zoom call to begin.

In a couple of minutes, just as she had stuffed the last of the magic bar in her mouth, almost rolling her eyes in ecstasy, Anya’s face flashed on the screen. “Hot. Is Clarke into chipmunk roleplay?”

Lexa protested indignantly, flapping her arms around and trying not to laugh as she chewed through the giant mouthful. “Shut up, Anya. Indra just made one of my favourite desserts.” She grinned at her best friend. “And hi.”

Anya’s lazy smirk widened a little. “Hey, kiddo. Living it up with the fam?” Lexa looked at her closely; the corners of Anya’s eyes drooped with a certain weariness; she seemed almost sad. “Just got here. What are you up to?”

“Same thing I do every day, Pinky. Try and medicate my boredom with bingeworthy television.” Anya yawned and stretched. She looked like she was on the couch; Lexa could see the blue light of the screen reflected in her glasses. “So what did you _have_ to talk to me about this very second?”

Lexa began speaking, recapping her plans for the foundation and her vision for it. Anya listened impassively as she spoke, occasionally interjecting with a particularly astute question. Finally, when Lexa had run herself aground with explanation, Anya sat up, letting the blanket fall off her. “All of this sounds amazing, Lexa. And if you pull it off, it will be a feat.” She paused, cleaning her glasses. “But what does this have to do with me?”

Lexa took a deep breath; it was now or never. “How would you like to be legal counsel and strategic advisor for the new, as yet-unnamed Woods foundation?”

The only reaction from Anya was a slight raise in her eyebrows. “Me? Why me? I’m on a different continent. In a pandemic. In lockdown.”

“Because you’re perfect for the job.” Lexa held up a hand, counting down on her fingers. “You’ve spent the last decade making non-profit projects flourish in a way most people wouldn’t even know where to start with. You’ve worked with and supervised me during our Peace Corps projects. You know me better than I know myself sometimes. You have a law degree and experience from one of the top law schools and firms in the world. And frankly, you’re incorruptible.” She tipped her head at Anya, slowly. “I can’t think of a better ally, honestly.”

“No one is incorruptible, Lexa.” Anya’s wry smile told her she spoke from experience. “But you’re right, I’m pretty damn close, mostly because of how jaded I am.” She was silent for a few minutes. “I don’t know, Lex. I didn’t salvage my soul from BigLaw and spend the last decade in career penance to go back into corporate lackeyhood.”

Lexa chortled; Anya was nothing if not direct. “You won’t be. You’ll have Gustus to guide you, and you’ll be able to lean on the Woods Group legal department for questions but, we’ll be a team of two, doing our own thing.” 

Anya scratched her chin, thoughtfully. “It would be a fascinating challenge…..”

Lexa pushed on; Anya needed more. “It would be a more than competitive compensation package. And stock options in the Woods Group. And we’d cover your relocation expenses.”

“Could you be any more robotic if you tried?”

“Fine.” Lexa rolled her eyes. “What if I made it my personal mission to find you the woman of your dreams?”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” 

“Who said I can’t?”

“Touché.” Anya eyed her for a moment. “Keep talking; you’re getting closer.”

Lexa paused; here it went. “Anya, come work with me. I miss you in my life.”

She watched as a slow, genuine smile broke out across her best friend’s face, piercing through whatever darkness was eating away at her. “There we go. Lead with the big one, Lexa.”

Lexa sat back, puffing out her cheeks; she shook her head. “Now that you’ve made me say it. Anya, just look at our dynamic. We could do great things together. Come over. Let’s bring some serious goodness into this hellbat of a world.”

To her surprise, Anya threw off her blanket, standing up in her pyjamas. “Hang on a second. I need a snack; big thinking makes me hungry.” She shuffled offscreen as Lexa waited patiently; Anya’s particular quirks had always bemused her, but there was usually a beacon at the end of the tunnel. For a few minutes, the air was punctuated with the beeps of a microwave, and the clink of cutlery. Finally, Anya reappeared, plonking herself down on the couch, a steaming mug in her hand. “Mmmmm.”

“I thought you said you were hungry. That’s not food.” Lexa pointed out.

“Excuse me, chocolate mug cake is a complete food group, thank you very much.” Anya dug her fork in and took a bite, ruminating as she worked through it. “And you promise if it didn’t work out, there would be no hard feelings?”

“Cross my heart.” Lexa said seriously, not needing to finish. “I will never hold that against you.”

Anya nodded, peering into her mug. “I’d have to take the state bar exam.”

“We’ll sign you up for a bar prep course. And Gustus will be your personal tutor.”

There was another long pause. Finally, Anya looked up, straight into the camera. “Guess I’m out of roadblocks. Fine, yes; let’s build a motherfucking charity _to die for_.” She grinned. “The shit I do for you, Lexa. When do you need me there by?”

Lexa’s long victory cheer echoed throughout the house; their faces lit up reciprocally with every logistical detail they spent the next couple of hours working out.

When she finally hung up, Lexa lay back, her head spinning with the conversation, and the possibilities laid out before her. She whipped out her phone; she couldn’t wait to tell Clarke all about them. She had been the catalyst that had begun putting the pieces of her life back into place, after all. Sighing contentedly, Lexa began typing a message. _I love you. And I have news, so call me when you can. Have I mentioned I love you very much?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, right, ANYA IN THE HOUSE!!!! Things are about to start cracklinggggg. :)
> 
> I've been so excited to write this chapter for so long, and of course, it was ready at the beginning of a new year. Combined with all the amazing Clexa content that's been coming out, 2021 is off to a much better start, non? It's cheered me up out of the funk I've been in, that's for sure. Happy New Year. :)


	76. Keep it light enough to travel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning, folks: Some discussion (but no depiction) of anxiety.

_What are the five Ts that cause cyanotic heart disease?_

Clarke began typing out the answers, muttering them under her breath. “Truncus, transposition, tricuspid atresia, total anomalous venous return and….” The cursor blinked back at her, coldly. In the corner of the screen, she watched the timer count up; she was losing precious seconds. “Goddammit. Fallot. Fallot….” She typed the word in, hitting _Submit_ on the question bank interface. Four green arrows and a red cross popped up before her. “ _Tetralogy of_ Fallot. _That’s_ it.” She smacked her forehead; so close. Quickly, she flipped to her cardiology notes, skimming over the section, committing the gist to memory again. “Right. Combination of four congenital abnormalities…. ventricular septal defect (VSD), pulmonary valve stenosis, a misplaced aorta and a thickened right ventricular wall (right ventricular hypertrophy).” She repeated the words a few times over, eyes closed, imagining the diagrams for each one, her fingers sketching out the particular flaws making up each diagnosis, the art helping her mind navigate to the science. She looked up at the final answer tally for her practice exam. 219. _Pass. Congratulations!_ An electronic trumpet blew out its fanfare, announcing a simulated grade. She sat back in her chair, folding her arms; this was good, but could she repeat it when it really mattered? Then there was the issue of reaching the elusive top tier range to open the door to the residency programs she was looking at. Sighing, she clicked through the screens, reviewing the answers she had gotten wrong. 

A half hour later, she stood up, turning off her computer. She needed a break; her brain was fried. Pulling up her messages as she headed downstairs and into the kitchen, she scrolled idly through her conversations with Lexa over the past week; she was waiting for a response from her last one from earlier in the morning. Leaning against the counter, a glass of water in her hand, she pouted, debating whether to text again. She missed Lexa desperately. The last seven days had alternated between whizzing by when it came to studying for her Clinical Knowledge final, and crawling every time she thought of Lexa. They had kept up a steady stream of a few messages during the day, and talking every night before bed, but the sheer inadequacy of not having her girlfriend’s arms to fall into after yet another brutal study session was beginning to get to her. Clarke rubbed her eyes, tiredly. She was a grown woman in her thirties, a soon-to-be doctor for crying out loud, not a teenager in the throes of first love. Then why the hell did she feel so out of sorts all of a sudden? 

“Staring at your phone isn’t going to make her appear. Lexa may be magic in bed, but she’s not _actually_ a genie.” Clarke looked up, startled, before rolling her eyes; she hadn’t even heard Raven come in, back from grocery shopping. “It’s just another week, Griff. You holding up okay?”

Clarke gulped down some water. “Fine, yeah. I’m just tired from cramming, that’s all.” She set her phone down with what she hoped was nonchalance. “I’m too busy to dwell on her being gone.”

Raven stopped emptying the bags for a second. “Uh huh. Tell that to the circles under your eyes.” She paused. “Are you having trouble sleeping again?”

Clarke sighed; Raven knew her too well to pretend otherwise. “Okay, yes. I miss her being _here_. With me.” She waved a hand around the room. “And I’m more nervous about my CK exam than I thought. So yeah, I can’t sleep.”

“And the anxiety? Is it acting up?”

Clarke bit her lower lip, nodding sullenly. 

“Have you told Lexa?”

Clarke shook her head, _no_.

“Why not? Clarke, you’ve got to tell her. Maybe she can cut her trip short.”

“See, that’s exactly what I don’t want to happen.” Clarke folded her arms obstinately. “I can take care of myself.”

It was Raven’s turn to sigh. “Griff, we all know you can. But it isn’t a bad idea to ask for help when you need it.”

Clarke looked away, as if contemplating something. Finally, she looked up. “It’s just another week, Ray, like you said. And we’re both grown ups with real world responsibilities and lives. Lexa should be able to go see her family without me having a fucking breakdown.” She was furious with herself.

“Clarke, it’s not about that, and you know it. You’ve had a lot kicked up in your face and you’re about to take the biggest exam of your life in the middle of a pandemic. Which by the way is the same one that you failed the last time precisely because of anxiety. So yeah, cut yourself some slack, and tell that girlfriend of yours you need her.”

Clarke’s bit her lip hard to stop it from quivering. It was true; she was terrified of spiralling down that familiar rabbit hole of despair and self-doubt. But, this was something she had to tackle, and deal with herself, right? If anxiety was a millstone weighing her down, she was damned if she’d take anyone else with her, least of all Lexa. She looked up at Raven, setting her face in determination. “So what’s this about the baby shower? Are we doing this or what?”

“So damn stubborn, Griff.” Raven pursed her lips. “But yeah, if you’ve got time, we can work on the decorations now?”

“Yeah, I’ll get my things. I need to forget about medicine for a few hours.” Clarke glanced at her phone surreptitiously before slipping it into her pocket; Lexa must have been having a really busy day. 

A few minutes later, they were settled in the living room, surrounded by tissue paper, glitter and the usual trappings of party decor. Cross-legged on the floor, Clarke traced out the components of flowers, imagining the lines and layers, not unlike ligaments on a skeleton frame, coming to the wry realization that there really was no getting away from her chosen profession; being a doctor was simply a way of life, and she certainly was getting a prelude to it quite strongly. 

“I like this idea much better than just designing a graphic.” Raven walked in, handing Clarke a beer. “It makes it more personal, like we’re all gathered in the same room. It'll be a cool photo to use as a Zoom background.”

“Yeah, anything to up the human connection, really. I can’t wait until we can see them in person again.”

They were quiet for a few minutes, each absorbed in crafting their own ornaments and thoughts. “What a weird fucking year. Last time we saw them, Emori was talking about setting up her antique salvage store. And now she’s about to pop.”

“Feels like being on an escalator in quicksand, doesn’t it?”

Raven nodded. “Yeah, like this thing with Luna. It’s moving so fast, but like, where are we actually going?”

Clarke debated her next words carefully. “So, is it serious?”

Raven was silent for a few minutes; setting her scissors down, she took a sip of her beer before responding. “I guess. Whatever that means right now.”

Clarke looked at her dubiously. “You don’t have to settle, Ray. You’re amazing.”

Raven puffed out her cheeks. “I know, Griff. But no one else seems to see it, honestly. And I just….” She sighed, her voice rife with unshed emotion. “I just don’t want to be alone. Especially right now.”

Clarke focused on the delicate cut-out before her, imagining it to be a human heart; such a strong, fragile thing it was, and so easy to crush with the wrong words. “I know, Ray. But you know, is she _right_ for you?” 

“She’s not _wrong_ , if that’s what you mean. She’s got a good heart, Clarke; and she practically drowns me with attention.” Raven paused, looking up. “I don’t see how that’s a bad thing.”

Clarke swallowed the words on her tongue with her drink, not sure which soured the other more. A fly trapped in the sweetness of honey was still dying slowly, she wanted to say. Instead, she looked up, a smirk on her face. “You know, you’ve got options. I saw how Anya and you clicked on those Zoom calls.”

Raven’s face lit up for a second, before falling back into neutrality. “Yeah, she seems cool. But you know, I’m with someone _now_. And we might hate each other in person.” She reached for the bottle of glitter glue, shaking it a little too vigorously. “Besides, what’s that ancient saying? A bird in my bush is better than the one serenading in the distance?”

Clarke spat out her beer, laughing out loud. Raven had a point, even if it wasn’t one that she would ever agree with personally. Her phone buzzed; it was a Live Photo from Lexa, blowing her a kiss, her face fresh, full and flushed from a workout. Her own smile reached deep; she’d take a decade and a week’s wait for a bird of paradise any day.


	77. On a bloodbuzz, yes I am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Description of Clarke's panic attack towards the end, after the "******". If you want to skip the section and would like a summary of it, let me know in the comments.

_Time: 49 minutes. Distance: 10.02 miles. Pace: 7.88 minutes per mile._

Lexa slowed to a stop, resting her hands on her knees, gradually straightening up to begin walking back to the house. She paused halfway there, stretching her limbs, taking in the groves of dormant trees laid out before her. Wiping off the trails of sweat with her sleeve, she felt the chill start to seep through her clothes; standing at the foot of the steps, she turned once more to survey the view, expanding her chest to breathe in the crisp, clean air before heading inside to shower. This trip had been a great idea; she felt completely energised and the time to herself, without the buzzing presence of housemates, had given her the headspace she had so desperately needed, the space she was sorely lacking. Stripping down and stepping into the shower, Lexa realized that she had just described the perfect lifestyle to herself. Well, almost perfect, she corrected herself. There was just one, crucial piece missing in it.

“Hello?” 

Lexa’s heart skipped at the delicious little break in her girlfriend’s voice; she stopped chewing her breakfast for a moment, taking in the treat that was Clarke waking up. Her hands wrapped around the coffee mug tighter; right then, she wished the warmth seeping through came from feeling Clarke moving under them. She sighed, resting her mug at the cusp of her jaw and neck; on her phone screen, Clarke half sat up, running a hand through dishevelled hair, the strap of her tank falling off one shoulder; Lexa’s fingers itched to slide over the creamy skin to coax it back on; actually, who was she kidding? She would have taken it all off, preferably with her teeth, leaving her hands free to roam, caress, to slip over and in Clarke. 

Damn everything. She ached for this woman with everything she had, no, with everything she _was_. Lexa clenched her jaw; there was less than a week to go, and this time away had been almost everything she had needed. But she couldn’t fucking _wait_ to get home and wake up next to the golden goddess she was lucky to call her own. The same one who was currently sitting up, her head in one hand, groaning at the time. “Shit, Lex, I’m so glad you called. I overslept. I fucking overslept.” Okay, so a slightly grumpy goddess was no less alluring. Trying to keep what she knew was a dreamy stare in check, Lexa cleared her throat. “It’s only a couple of hours, Clarke. You’ve got the whole day.” She smiled shyly at the phone. “And I’m glad I got to wake you up. It’s been a while.”

Clarke paused, rubbing her eyes, a small but genuine smile on her lips. “Me too. Four days to go, baby.” She reached for her glasses on the nightstand, putting them on as she sat up in bed again, trying to smooth out her hair, sighing. “Well, and seven until this nightmare of an exam is over. I can’t fucking wait.”

Lexa studied Clarke’s face carefully. The corners of her eyes and mouth drooped, in spite of her just waking up. The dark circles under her eyes had only gotten more pronounced over the last couple of days. And come to think of it, Clarke did seem a lot paler than usual. Lexa’s forehead scrunched in a slight frown. “Are you sleeping okay, Clarke?”

Clarke looked up sharply. “Yeah, of course, why wouldn’t I be?”

Lexa pursed her lips; that reply had come back a little too quickly. She opened her mouth to argue, but Clarke was already in the bathroom, tying her hair back in a bun, distracted by the routine of another busy day of studying. “Just wondering; you look tired, babe.”

Clarke gave her a wry smile. “I _am_ prepping for the most important exam I’ve ever taken, Lex.” She paused, looking almost wistful. “I miss you, though. A lot.”

Lexa’s expression softened; she ignored the slight edge in Clarke’s voice. “Me too. So damn much. I can’t wait to see you.”

“I’m fine though; don’t worry.” Clarke uncapped the toothpaste, rubbing some onto her brush. “Taking good care of myself. Take your time with Indra and Gustus.”

Lexa opened her mouth to speak; that was a strange thing Clarke had said. But then, Clarke wiggled her eyebrows. “I’ll try and make it worth your while. Though you might have to put up with me walking around muttering medical jargon under my breath.”

“Maybe we can go through the anatomy of an orgasm in detail. Heard you could do with reviewing that some.”

That earned her a giggle. “Oh you bet. That’s my weakest spot, Professor Woods.” Clarke smirked at her coquettishly.

Lexa mentally patted herself on the back at seeing Clarke relax. “I’ve heard your teacher is one of the best.”

“Is that so? I might have to change your grade on RateMyProf.”

Lexa stood up to begin a comical walk off screen, as if to find her report card in a stack and read through it. She held up a hand to her face, as if it were a monocle. “It says I have straight As.” 

“Ah, but are they A _pluses_? I want to see you succeed, Professor Woods.”

“Challenge accepted, Miss Griffin.” 

Clarke laughed; their silly banter had cheered her up some, but she had her day to get on with. “And now, I must prepare myself, Professor.” Dropping the elevated diction, she blew Lexa a kiss. “Talk tonight? I’ll text you when I’m going to bed.” She clicked off the call.

Lexa finished up her breakfast, lost in thought. There was something off about Clarke, and she was hiding it. She remembered what Clarke’s study mode was like during exam time in college; in spite of the pace of things, she had always exuded a certain calmness, and she had never let the stress of finals get to her. There was all of that now, but also an undercurrent of something darker that made Lexa uneasy. Clarke was a seasoned and top student, who never had any problems with deadlines; so what else was giving her this edge?

Putting away her dishes, she headed down to the conservatory, mulling over her question all the way there.

“Aha! Lexa, right on time. Will you grab those pots over there and bring them to me?” Indra pointed to a cluster of orchids, stunning in their variety and vividness. Slipping on a pair of gardening gloves, Lexa began carrying them over to Indra two a time, careful not to crush their vibrant blooms.

“Did you enjoy your run? You were gone quite a while; must have been a long one.”

Lexa nodded, coming to a stop next to Indra, her arms full. “I took the scenic route; it’s been a while since the weather’s been this good. I feel great.” It was true; she was still coming down from the natural high of running.

Indra eyed her, unpacking a plant and inspecting it closely. Without disturbing the soil clinging to its roots, she began gently pruning away the blackened and shrivelled bits of root. “Sometimes a change of scenery really is all you need, isn’t it?” Without looking up at Lexa, she continued. “Speaking of, how are you all doing, now that Raven is back?”

Lexa chewed her bottom lip. “Fine, I guess. It’s a full house, but we’re doing okay.”

“Just okay?”

Lexa hesitated. “Well, her girlfriend - who is _interesting_ \- is around a lot. But then, so is Clarke’s.” Her mouth was upturned in a resigned smirk.

“But only one of you pays the rent and has been living there for almost a year now.” Indra began slowly lowering the orchid into the trough before her. “Now this one is one of my biggest successes. The other being you, of course.” She smiled at Lexa. “It’s called the ghost orchid. It took me years to cultivate.” Beginning to press the earth around it gently, she continued. “For a while, I was worried it wouldn’t make it; so I began to focus on it obsessively. I’d wake up in the middle of the night to check on it, disturb both its and my sleep, worry myself constantly, try out new fertilizers, watering methods…” she trailed off. 

Lexa stood by, wondering where this was going. Indra handed her a purple plant, signalling she should begin planting, too. She repeated Indra’s actions, silently.

“Eventually, I realized I was smothering it, and myself. So I backed off. And lo and behold, it began taking care of itself. And that was because I had begun focusing my energies on taking care of myself, too.” She folded her arms, looking at Lexa pointedly. “So you see, it all worked out in the end. We’re both happier now. We gave each other the space we needed.”

Lexa opened her mouth. “Yeah, some space would be nice. But I’m really happy with Clarke; I _want_ to be close to her.”

Indra eyed her, before walking over to the hose and turning it on. “I know, Lexa. It’s only natural, after what happened between you both. But, she’s got a lot going on herself.” She watched the gentle weave of water wet the flowerbed. “I just want to make sure you’re taking care of yourself.”

“I am. I was restless for a while there; but I have the foundation now.” Lexa crossed her own arms, feeling slightly defensive; what did all this have to do with Clarke and her?

“Good. And this restlessness, it’s there for a reason. I just want to make sure you’re not ignoring it and giving yourself up for the sake of your relationship.”

There it was. Lexa felt a wave of stubbornness rise up inside her. “I’m not giving _her_ up, if that’s what you mean.” She softened her tone. “I’m sorry; it’s just a very sore spot.”

“I know, Lexa; and I’m not asking you to; not literally. You’re both obviously meant for each other. But, space can make things thrive, too, not just destroy them. That’s all I’m saying.” Indra turned back to the ghost orchid, stroking its frog-like petals, as they bounced up and down cheerily. “And I find that it's the fragile ones that benefit the most; especially when there are other….players involved.”

Lexa said nothing, trying to solve the riddles Indra was throwing at her. 

“Speaking of, how is Clarke?”

Lexa relaxed for a second, glad for the change of subject. “Okay, I think. She’s being so hard on herself about this exam; I don’t think she’s sleeping very well.” 

“Well, if I remember anything about Clarke, she always delivers at crunch time.”

“That part hasn’t changed. She just seems weary in a way.”

“Well, isn’t this the exam she’s already taken once, and it didn’t go so well? It’s probably residual nervousness. Don’t worry; she’s going to ace it.”

Lexa nodded, absently, lost in her own thoughts. Indra was right; she knew Clarke was unfaltering under pressure; why did this uneasiness in the pit of her stomach refuse to go away then? Finishing up in the conservatory, they went back in together, Lexa excusing herself to work on reviewing the pile of corporate paperwork from Gustus, which she needed to know like that back of her hand before the AGM; from its volume, she knew it would take her until dinner to go through. She settled in on the chaise lounge in her room, trying to focus on the words before her, away from thoughts of her puzzling conversation with Indra.

A few hours later, her phone buzzed; it was a text from Clarke: _Lex, going to call it an early night; worked myself to the bone over the last couple of days. I’m sorry; talk tomorrow? Love you xx_

Lexa frowned; it was only dinnertime. What was going on? She debated whether to call, but it seemed like Clarke wanted to be left alone. She dashed off a quick response, before heading downstairs. It hit her just as she set foot in the kitchen: _Clarke wasn’t sleeping. She was nervous about this exam, which she had already taken and failed once._ And Lexa knew exactly why that happened. She stopped short. “Clarke’s anxiety is back; she’s not sleeping.” The words carried the certainty of fact the moment she said them out loud.

Indra looked up from the stove she stood over. “Did she tell you that?”

Lexa shook her head. “No, she wouldn’t; but I know that’s what it is.” She looked at Indra for a moment, her eyes full of concern. “Her exam’s in seven days.” 

The implications of her statement stilled the air between them; Indra stirred the pot, her face impassive. Finally, she looked up at Lexa. “I hope Clarke knows how lucky she is.” She raised her eyebrows. “Go get packed; I’ll make you a take-out box. If you leave now, you won’t be home at an ungodly hour.”

Lexa’s face broke into a relieved smile; Indra understood. “Thank _you_ so much.” She paused. “What about Uncle Gus?”

Indra only nodded in acknowledgement, a smile playing on her lips. “I’ll talk to him. And don’t thank me; I was going to tell you we’d like to see Clarke and you for New Year’s Eve this year. Raven, too. It’s been a while since we were all together. And that should give you all plenty of time to quarantine.”

“It’s a deal. I can’t think of a better way to ring out this awful year.” 

Running upstairs, Lexa gathered her things and said her goodbyes in record time. With promises to drive safely and to visit again shortly, she was off, racing down the freeway, on her way home to Clarke.

*******

Clarke pulled the covers closer, trying to stop herself from shaking; she was in the fourth hour of her second prolonged panic attack of the day, and she was absolutely shredded. Next to her, Gryffin began purring louder, shifting to rest his weight against her side. She scratched his ears, grateful for his valiant effort at comfort, trying to focus on the images of the nebulae swirling on the screen in front of her; she had hoped to find the space documentary calming. Instead, it only made her miss Lexa more. Clarke sighed, tucking her nose deeper into Lexa’s sweatshirt that she had wrapped around herself; after nearly two weeks, her scent was beginning to fade, but she could still find pockets of it in places if she sniffed them out; she had to be careful not to overdo it, though. There were still three Lexa-less nights to get through somehow. 

Closing her eyes, Clarke tried to focus on the in and out of breath as another wave of anxiety began to hit; this one made her feel as though both her head and heart were competing to see which one would explode first; she clenched her fists, willing herself to think through the mechanics of what was happening; her heart was elevated, and there was probably a mad rush of blood to her head; this too would pass, just like it did every time, right? She tried repeating the words over and over in her head, trying to remember their rationality, but it was useless; she was skidding over ice, frictionless, fast and feeble; curling herself into a tight ball, Clarke buried herself deeper into her pillow, preparing for another never ending, sleepless night.

She didn’t hear the first knock; it was tentative, soft, unwilling to intrude. The second time, she raised her head; what the hell could Raven and Luna possibly want _now_? It was almost 1AM. “Come in?”

Eyes widening, she sat up suddenly, her face breaking into an incredulous grin. “Lexa? Wh-at, what are you doing here?” She managed to get out, before losing her breath as her heart began beating even more frenetically. 

Lexa walked in quickly, shutting the door. She sat on the bed next to Clarke, taking her hands in her own, saying nothing as she waited for Clarke’s breathing to slow down; her eyebrows knitted with worry, she looked like she might cry herself. “You needed me.” She said simply. 

Finally, as her chest stopped heaving, Clarke reached out to touch her face. “How did you know? I didn’t want you to cut your trip short.”

Lexa only shook her head, an errant laugh escaping her throat. “It doesn’t matter. None of it matters.” She looked deep into Clarke’s eyes. “You need to sleep. Your exam. You couldn’t sleep.” Overwhelmed by her own feelings, her brain refused to form full sentences. 

Clarke nodded, tears of relief falling down her cheeks; leaning in, she wrapped Lexa’s arms around herself, giving into the feeling of weightlessness. Lexa was here now; if she floated away, she would bring her back; finally, Clarke was tethered, and _safe_. “Thank you. Thank you for being here.”

Taking off her sweater and bra quickly, Lexa lay down, making sure Clarke’s head rested above her heart as she drew slow circles on her back. Already, she could feel Clarke begin to relax; she felt a few of Clarke’s runaway tears trickle down onto her. 

Kissing her hair, Lexa reached for the remote. “You were watching a space documentary without me? This is a great one, too.”

“I didn’t do it because I missed you or anything.” Clarke mumbled into her skin, the contentment already seeping into her voice.

“Of course not.” Lexa turned on the captions, muting the volume; she was still wired from her drive. And she wanted to make sure Clarke fell asleep fully, before drifting off. She smiled to herself; was there anything better in existence than having this woman in her arms?

“I wanted to give you a sexy homecoming.” Clarke sniffled, trying to wipe away her tears. “Instead I’m pathetic like this. I’m sorry.” She tightened her hold around Lexa, trying to push away the disappointment and annoyance she felt.

“Sshh, shhh.” Lexa only wrapped more of herself around Clarke, scratching her scalp gently with her fingernails. “Sleep first; then everything else, okay?”

Clarke nodded, practically incapacitated by the fatigue overcoming her. “Okay. But, tomorrow.”

Lexa nodded. “Mmhmm. And by the way, I happen to find snot _very_ sexy.”

Clarke’s last thought, after her sleepy giggle and before she drifted into the depths of calm slumber was that if her heart _did_ explode this time, it would be because of the staggering, prodigious amount of love she felt for this amazing, unbelievable, _unreal_ woman. And that would totally be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it just me or is Lexa on her way to sweeping the Girlfriend/Significant Other of the Century Award Category?
> 
> Way to be outgamed by my own fic character. *Note to bring wife breakfast in bed or something.* Gee, thanks, Lex. 🙃


	78. I'm your messiah, and you're the reason why

It always began with fingers; once they touched the intoxicating softness of Lexa’s skin, there wasn’t much Clarke could do to hold back. Like now, when she couldn’t stop tracing patterns, planets, maps tucked sightlessly into the taut lines of Lexa’s back. Even in sleep, the sinews flexed gently, responding to Clarke’s caresses. Moving closer, Clarke replaced them with her mouth, painting Lexa’s back with lingering, moist symbols, signs of what she had searched for the last ten days. She imagined herself a tattoo artist, kissing designs in between Lexa’s bare shoulder blades, using her tongue to travel lower, lower, lower until she reached her swell of her ass. She cursed her momentary hesitation about whether to slip inside Lexa’s perfectly tight boxers when Lexa turned over, sighing softly, until Clarke realized, even in sleep, her hips canted forward slowly, building a tantalizing rhythm that she couldn’t keep her eyes off; a small patch of wetness was turning the front of Lexa’s white underwear translucent; Clarke licked her lips; she wanted to be part of whatever dream was making Lexa that hot; hell, she wanted Lexa to drip like that into _her_ mouth. 

Snaking down, she rested her hands on Lexa’s hips, watching her face. A soft moan escaped Lexa’s puffy, parted lips, and Clarke couldn’t take it anymore. Hooking her thumbs under the band, she pulled the front of the boxers down, the rest of them still caught under Lexa; the effect of having Lexa’s pussy laid out before her, but not being to feel Lexa’s bare ass at the same time drove Clarke wild; she plunged her tongue into Lexa’s hot, luscious folds, not caring anymore if she woke her lover up. Lexa groaned, her breathing now faster, shallower as she pushed herself into Clarke’s mouth; the move took Clarke by surprise until, just like that, she was tongue-deep inside Lexa’s cunt, coaxing more, more onto it; a sudden gush made her moan herself, the vibration making Lexa begin to pant. Clarke tilted her head, only to be greeted with deeply green eyes, hazy with sleep and lust; Lexa was awake now. Which meant Clarke couldn’t wait to see her come. 

She moved herself out of Lexa, kissing the short mass of curls at the top of her pubis, not breaking eye contact as she brought two fingers to the entrance of Lexa’s pussy; Lexa was panting now, and she nodded once, her eyes rolling back in her head as Clarke pushed herself inside, instantly coated with strings of Lexa’s arousal. She was close, so close; it wasn’t often that Lexa pleaded for anything, and even now, it was easy to miss if you didn’t see the slight trembling of her corners of her mouth. Clarke began stroking, losing herself in the hot, slick velvet of Lexa’s channel, even as Lexa clenched her tighter and tighter; Clarke was having a hard time moving her fingers back and forth, but none of it seemed to matter to Lexa, who was now moaning softly between her shudders, which were coming faster and faster. 

_Fuck._ Clarke couldn’t stop her own hips from moving in tune with Lexa’s and it was torture; she felt nothing but empty air. Reaching for something, anything, she found a pillow and shoved it under herself, rubbing on the ridges of the pillowcase, finding some sorry respite for her own desire. Lexa’s eyes flashed, but before she could protest, Clarke had splayed the fingers of her left hand against her groin, squeezing gently to keep her in place, as the thumb found Lexa’s clit, pressing down in short bursts of pressure. The groan that fell from Lexa’s lips almost made Clarke come undone, but she forced herself to focus; this was about Lexa, who was now practically writhing under her, clasping at the sheets with the same desperation Clarke was feeling. Finally, when neither of them could take any more, Clarke leaned forward, and in spite of her own stuttering rhythm, flattened her tongue, burying herself into Lexa’s folds, stroking the centre upwards in a long, slow, _dirty_ lick. 

Lexa exploded. Throwing an arm over her eyes, she was lost in her own world of ecstasy and release as she shook over and over again, groaning deep and long. Clarke, feeling each one of Lexa’s shudders on her fingers, her thumb, her tongue, and deep within herself, was powerless to stop her own orgasm, spilling onto the pillow, gradually slowing her hips until she could contentedly watch Lexa come back into her herself, as she gently withdrew her fingers, planting soft kisses on her mound, at the corners of Lexa’s hip bones, on the insides of her thighs, dipping her mouth to taste Lexa wherever she could. Finally, when she felt Lexa still she looked up, expecting softness. What she saw instead coiled the spring in her even tighter.

Lexa was sitting up halfway, staring at her with what could only be described as a feral _hunger;_ pupils blown, there was no green to them, just a golden glint buried in the dark, forbidden treasure in unreachable depths. Clarke gulped, feeling an anticipatory tingle down her spine. The things Lexa could do to her right now, and she didn’t even know where she wanted her to start. As if making the decision for them both, Lexa lunged forward suddenly, cupping Clarke’s chin with one hand, smashing their lips together in a ragged, open-mouthed kiss. There was nothing soft about the way her tongue pushed into Clarke’s mouth, swiping roughly wherever she could, battling Clarke’s for dominance, her other hand reaching under to rub the puckered nipple of Clarke’s breast, until its tip was so sensitive, a slight pinch made Clarke moan, letting Lexa win as she gave in to the lusciousness of having both her tongue and breast teased simultaneously. 

But the throbbing in her core was only getting more intense; sitting up halfway as she was, she had Lexa on some, but not all of her. Her hips had taken up another slow grind; this time she didn’t think she could make it through without Lexa inside her. As if reading her mind, Lexa, in one lithe move, raised herself and was behind Clarke, who suddenly found the pillow she had used flipped over and pushed under her stomach and hips, her ass angled upwards, and Lexa’s mouth on her, lips to Clarke’s lower lips, ravaging her as she rammed her tongue through, over and inside Clarke’s pussy, even as Clarke felt the tremors of every stroke deep, deep inside as she fought to stay on her hands and knees. Before long, her hoarse moans filled the room in time with each turn of Lexa’s tongue, but Lexa was in no mood to let up; with another unbelievably quick motion, Clarke felt herself wrapped around two of Lexa’s long, lean fingers; she nearly keened; like this, they were hitting her perfectly, the intensity building up so fast, she might as well be combusting; she was helpless to do anything but rock back and forth against them, beyond caring about the steady rise in her guttural groans, of the bed practically shaking in tune with her movements, of anything but Lexa hitting the spongy front wall of her vagina with furious, intense precision. In the daze of the unabashed, thorough fucking she was getting, if the apocalypse had hit in that moment, Clarke would have raised her head and told it to _just hold the hell on_. She was drunk, intoxicated on Lexa, and finally, all it took was the feel of teeth sinking into the ample flesh of her left butt cheek to throw her headlong into an intense, consuming, ferocious orgasm that left her lightheaded with its potency, as she soaked Lexa with herself, until all she could do to hold on was dig her own teeth into her bicep hard enough to bruise, a visual reminder of just how much her body had craved Lexa the last ten days. There was absolutely nothing like it, this primal knowing, without hint of uncertainty, that this confluence of the currents of thievery and solace had left her completely, undeniably whole.

Her heart slowly beat down to normal in time with the butterfly kisses Lexa dusted across her back, stopping only to push her hair aside and nuzzle into the crook of her neck, peppering her shoulder with soft pecks. Clarke sighed, blissed out. Their bodies had met again, but she needed more. Pushing herself off the bed, she turned to Lexa, who sat cross-legged, facing her. Climbing into her lap, Clarke wrapped her legs around Lexa’s waist, draping her arms over strong, angular shoulders she would know from anyone else’s on the planet. She found Lexa’s eyes, basking in the luminous peace in them, even as she watched Lexa’s forest gaze soften as it locked with her own. Smiling, she pulled herself closer, until they were connected chest to chest, and their hips found each other like countless lovers' untitled. Touching their foreheads together, she whispered against Lexa’s lips. “Hi.” 

Lexa tightened her embrace around Clarke, running her hands over her back, feeling, marking, remembering. “Hi.” 

They were kissing slowly now, the contented electricity in between them buzzing in the minute spaces between their bodies, calibrating each one to the shifts and peaks in the other. Without meaning to, Clarke began rubbing herself against Lexa’s abs, needing to leave a trace of herself on this woman who had consumed every inch of her consciousness. Lexa only pulled her closer, watching Clarke’s face for every shiver of pleasure, sighing lightly with every trace of slick on her stomach. Clarke only buried herself deeper in Lexa’s arms, planting sultry kisses on her lips in between confessions, some verbal, most unsaid and visual. “I missed you.” Kiss. She played with the soft fuzz at the back of Lexa’s neck. Kiss. “I missed you _so much_.” When their lips touched again, Clarke was encased in home.

“I missed you too, baby.” Lexa smiled shyly at Clarke, helping her hips keep up their steady grind, nuzzling her nose, lighting her up with the slowest, softest lingering kiss that melted Clarke to her core. Before she knew what was happening fully, she came, gently this time, shuddering against Lexa’s lips, surrendering to the intense tenderness cocooning her. 

Afterwards, they stayed tangled up in each other for a long time, Clarke resting her head on Lexa’s shoulder, leaving drowsy kisses on her neck. When she raised her head, Lexa grinned at her. “That was one hell of a sexy homecoming.” She paused. “Is this I told you so?”

Clarke kissed the tip of her nose, feeling the flush rise up her cheeks as she looked into Lexa’s sparkling eyes. “No, this is thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love's gratitude is intoxicating, huh?


	79. Looking too closely

They were trying to keep it down, at least; there was something to be said for that, she supposed, though it was almost worse this way; she was distracted, pricking up her ears to catch the coherence through the sibilant, buoyant hisses currently floating in through the hallway. Eavesdropping wasn’t polite, but it sure as hell was fun. And as long as it didn’t disturb Clarke, she could put up with the tiff Raven and Luna seemed to be in the middle of, at the foot of the stairs.

Lexa turned back to the blank screen before her, sighing at her own lack of direction; glancing down at the thick, formal stationary on the table, she played with the edge of the letterhead, taking in its thickness, the no doubt carefully chosen shade of notwhite, her family’s name embossed in gold, staring back at her sombrely, willing an answer that she didn’t have: Woods to Woods, in that moment and not for the first time, Lexa felt the full weight of her family’s legacy settling on her shoulders, her personal, inescapable chainmail. She scanned the letter once more, dropping down to the gist of it, italicised in a single, curt paragraph: _Given the current financial circumstances of the Woods Group, the need to conserve resources and to protect the best interests of our shareholders, employees and the Woods corporate family, the Board is disinclined to position the proposition of a not-for-profit foundation at the Group’s upcoming Annual General Meeting. However, the Board invites any and all submissions to the contrary, and shall reserve its formal decision until the earlier of consideration of such arguments or forty-eight hours prior to the AGM. In any case, we look forward to meeting you at the AGM in short order._

Lexa pursed her lips; she had read the words over and over the last couple of days, and they somehow managed to infuriate her even more each time. The combination of smooth emptiness and trite lies before her was a grain of sand in her shell of purpose, and it was up to her now to turn it into something palatable, and ultimately, maybe even something beautiful. But for now, she mulled over the irritant before her, trying to separate the poison from the pearl. 

“What about _me_? It’s like you don’t even care that I’m here half the time!” Luna’s usually shrill voice, compounded by the small space she was in, rang through the air. Lexa’s head snapped up; Clarke had to have heard that; looking at the clock on the laptop, Lexa realised that Clarke was probably at the end of the gruelling, nine-hour long exam that had taken up most of her waking energy over the last four months; she felt the tips of her own fingers run a little cold; if the anticipation of what this meant was getting to her, she could only begin to imagine how Clarke would be feeling right now. A loud crash from the hallway made her jump.

“Why the hell is it okay to have this stupid treadmill in the middle of the house when we barely have any space to move?”

Lexa scowled, clenching her fists as she pushed the chair backwards, striding to the door in a few quick movements.“Will you please _shut the fuck up_?”

*******

Clarke paused, lifting her left hand off the mouse, flexing her fingers, opening and closing her hand to keep the cramp coming on at bay. Careful to keep her face and torso in the view of the proctor on the other side of the computer’s camera, she reached for the glass of water next to her, taking a big sip. Her eyes slid down to the right corner of the screen: 14 questions, and 9 minutes. She braced herself, trying to stop her mind from falling backwards in time, to a similar moment five years ago, when she had let the twisted vortex of panic and self-doubt slip away what had become crucial, unrecoverable seconds. 

She set the glass down, letting her thoughts find strands of the present reality to ground her; she had heard the back and forth of agitated footsteps outside her door, and had pushed them to the distant corners of her consciousness; the act had helped her focus on the exam before her. Now, she could hear them in the background, and somehow, the disturbance was the exact kind of comfort she was seeking. Pushing herself forward, she began clicking through the remaining screens, pausing to eliminate the extraneous options using the tried and tested methodology of prognosis, diagnosis, an indication of the underlying mechanisms of the disease and the medical care. She puffed her cheeks out, fighting off the sudden sense of exhaustion overcoming her; not now, not now: three minutes and five questions to go. She was so damn close. Ploughing through, she finally had it whittled down to the last one, her heart sinking as it appeared: it was a full case study, with five additional questions to answer, instead of a single multiple choice one. And she had one minute to do it. She gulped, paralysed in her indecision, willing her eyes to understand the description, so she could pick her best options at the answers. Her fast and murking thoughts were interrupted by a loud crash, and Luna’s angry shout. “Why the hell is it okay to have this stupid treadmill in the middle of the house when we barely have any space to move?” 

Clarke bit her lip; forty-five seconds, And she was damn distracted by the commotion outside. She rested a hand on her now-thumping heart, feeling the churning in the pit of her stomach, spiking up through her, the dark current throwing her off kilter. No, no, no. This was just like the last time. She was going to fail this _again_.

******

Luna eyes widened so suddenly, Lexa thought for a moment they would pop out of her head. “Are you just going to let her talk to me like that?” She turned to Raven, arms crossed. They stared into each other’s eyes for a few, long moments, the silent standoff getting awkward quickly.

Raven broke contact first, looking at Lexa. “Lexa, we get it. We’ll be quieter. But that wasn’t necessary.” Underneath the irritation, Lexa could sense the unmistaken weariness.

Lexa glared at Luna, trying to keep her voice firm and soft all at once. “Clarke’s still taking her exam. She’s almost done; but can you please take this outside if it can’t wait?”

Luna only crossed her arms, her face turning sullen. “I don’t get why no one is making me feel welcome here,” she said, her voice now an especially loud whisper. She turned to Raven. “I mean, I gave up everything to come quarantine here with _you_. My life, my friends…..”

Lexa gritted her teeth, even as Raven piped up. “Look, Luna, I love that you’re here, you know that. And you know it’s because _your_ roommates aren’t being careful. But we’re all struggling for space right now.”

Luna turned to the treadmill. “Not all of us, obviously. Lexa gets to put her shit wherever she wants. And like, she still gets her own room, even though she’s practically moved into Clarke’s.”

“I pay rent! And I’ve been here for almost a year.” Lexa pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to calm down; descending to the level of Luna’s childishness wasn’t helping anyone. She had known, in her gut, the moment Clarke and she had agreed to Raven’s request to let Luna quarantine with them in this latest round of restrictions, that it had been a bad idea. “Look, Luna, if you need more space, we can find you some. Can we just keep it down for now, while Clarke finishes up? This is like, one of the most important things she’s done in her life.”

Luna scowled, walking to the front door. Grabbing her coat, she paused, one hand on the doorknob as she stepped out into the cold. “Why don’t you ever stick up for me like Lexa does for Clarke?” Long after the front door slammed shut, her parting shot still rang in the air. 

Throwing her hands up in the air, Raven began looking for her things. “For fuck’s sake, everything can’t always be about Clarke and you, Lexa.” Shrugging on her coat, a scarf thrown across her neck, she was gone in a few moments, too.

Lexa sighed as she went back into the kitchen, shaking her head. This was becoming untenable; the walls were beginning to close in on them all; something had to give, and soon.

******

The sound of the front door slamming jerked Clarke back, startling her into a sudden bout of clarity, the sudden stillness of the house filling the vacuum of her thoughts with focus. Thirty-five seconds.

_You are the attending physician in a small hospital emergency department. A 82 year-old man with moderate dementia is brought to the emergency department for collapse and severe abdominal pain. He is now semi-conscious. His landlord heard him scream and found him on the floor. No other history available. When asked about his pain, the patient continues to point to his abdomen._

**_medical and surgical history_**

  * _moderate dementia_
  * _type two diabetes_
  * _cholecystectomy five years ago_

| 

**_medications (no allergies)_**

  * _donepezil_
  * _metformin_

| 

**_social_**

  * _lives alone in supervised facility_
  * _non-smoker_
  * _non-drinker_

  
---|---|---  
  
_What is your first step?_

Closing her eyes, Clarke scanned her memory; of course, it all came down to the ABCs. She typed in the answer, not even bothering with full sentences: _ABCs, RR 38/min, HR 135, BP 100/62._ This was as good it was going to get.

_What do you do about this?_

Something about boring…..a stilted chuckle escaped her, even as she kept going: _two large bore IVs, saline (1L), narcotics - for the pain._

_What next?_

Errr, what _would_ she do next, if this person wasn’t actually a figment of the software’s imagination? She had twenty seconds left. Examinations. She’d have to actually examine him to know what was wrong. _Brief neuro, resp, CV, abdominal, DRE exams._

_And then?_

Seriously? Clarke ran a hand through her hair, frantically. Right. Tests. Diagnostic tests. _Bloodwork: CBC, lytes, RFT, LFT._

_Anything else?_

Seven seconds. She had seven fucking seconds. Was crossing your fingers considered a legitimate medical step? Clarke touched her chest. Of course! His damn heart; it was always about the heart. _ECG, consider FAST, chest-ray._

As she took her fingers off the keyboard, the screen locked, a final message popping up on it. _You are now finished with the final portion of the CK Step 2 Exam. Please exit the software and turn off your computer now._

With a few swift clicks, she was done. Slumping down on her desk, shoulders forward, head on her hands, Clarke let the adrenaline overtake her, even as she felt its follow up of pure, unadulterated relief. For better or for worse, it was over. She had finally lived past this moment that had haunted her for half a decade. And she had come out on the other side. She stood up, stretching. About six weeks from now, she’d have her answer about whether this had been worth it; for now, there was nothing to do but breathe.

*******

Lexa stood up as Clarke walked into the kitchen, opening her arms as wide as the smile she found herself breaking out into. Without a word, Clarke sank into her, heaving a big sigh, resting her entire body weight onto her. They stood there, rocking back and forth gently, sharing their mutual repose. “I’m _so_ proud of you.” Lexa broke the long silence first. “How should we celebrate?” Just about then, she wanted to forget about everything else but Clarke; she was grateful Clarke hadn't asked about Raven or Luna.

Clarke threw her arms over her head in victory, before bringing them around Lexa. She hadn’t even contemplated what her moments after the exam would be like. But then, it didn’t really matter; they were here and for now, they had all the time in a world made up of just the two of them. “How about…..you take me on a drive up the coast, we get tacos from that food truck in that tiny town, we check out that playlist you’ve been working on, and then, you show me stars?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit where it's due. The exam question is from this open-source question bank: [Sharing in Health](http://www.sharinginhealth.ca/index.html)
> 
> Also, you might have seen this announcement before, but Love Lockdown is now available in Italiano! The amazing samlaikheda has offered to translate the story for anyone who wants to read it in Italian! It's available here: [Love Lockdown (translated in Italian)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28891578/chapters/70878174). All of your kudos and encouragement keep me going when writing this story in English, folks, so please drop a kudos and some love for all the hard work and enthusiasm that’s going into translating this mammoth of a story into Italian. Be well!


End file.
